Not This Way Again

He was the campus heartthrob. And I’m back to being an ordinary student.

And the love that we had made us whole, but it also tore us apart.

That very split second when Joo Won turned me down, I felt my spirit detach from my body.
Losing him was the one thing I wished would never happen. But as destiny had decided, it really brought us to the both ends of the world. Since then, my heart embraced loneliness up to its deepest core. I lost the one I love. I lost everything I had because of love.

I still moved forward with my life, despite the great storm that brought disaster to me. I accepted the fact that Joo Won left me for his own good, and he never loved me in one way or another. This was just one of the billion episodes that I see on TV, about moving on and finding a new one to give your love to. That might take a long time, but it’s okay, as long as I can recover from this pain.

High school went by smoothly. I was able to graduate with flying colors, the result of burning the midnight candle ever since my break-up with Joo Won. I became determined to forget every single detail of him. And when college had opened its doors for me, I started to make a difference.

Sitting in front of a table beside the glass wall of my favorite coffee shop, I flipped the pages of the novel I just bought a day ago. I was trying to unwind from a stressful week in the university. Loads of projects and exams were given to us like there was no tomorrow. I yawned after a few seconds. Just as I had closed the book, a waiter came to me.

“Can I have your order, sir?” the guy said.

“A cup of cappuccino please.” I replied, not looking at him.

“Okay, sir.” Then his voice went out of my hearing range.

Droplets of rain started falling outside. The waters traveled easily through the invisible air in a synchronized motion. Memories of the past crossed my mind again- of Joo Won and me, of the confession that we’ve made.

I successfully stopped a tear from falling down. I didn’t have to dwell on those things.
The cup of hot cappuccino was laid in front of me. Its creamer swirled into a shape of a heart. This was familiar. Someone must have made this for me. I looked up to the waiter, and it was Joo Won, smiling at me.

I didn’t bother to touch the cup and stood up. I don’t want to see him, because I remember all the pain and hurt he had inflicted in me when we were in high school.

“Hey, you haven’t paid your order.” he said.

I made my way to the door and pushed it open. The rain had fallen harder on the ground, making me shiver out of the cold temperature. I opened my umbrella and left the coffee shop.

He followed me outside, bringing his own umbrella. I could hear his footsteps grow louder and louder without making any turns. My buried feelings might come back again. Joo Won was out of my life. I don’t have to mess it up now.

“Sung Min!” he called out. His voice was loud enough despite the rain. I walked faster away from him, as the tears that I've been telling not to fall came running down my cheeks.

“Sung Min wait!” he yelled.

I stopped, to end this crazy hide and seek. I didn’t turn and pretended to stare at nothing. Why did this happen? Why now? Why at the wrong time? These damn questions were turning unanswered in my head. In myself, I knew I have to get this done.

I finally had the courage to face him.

“Okay, so let’s end this thing.” I said.

“I’m happy to see you again.” he sincerely answered.

I had to be straightforward this time. One question and I’d be ready to hear the answer. This was my way of solving things, and easing the endless queries on why did he leave me.

“Why did you break up with me?”

I saw his eyes shift on the ground and then back to mine. I sensed that there was something behind this.

“Why did I break up with you? It’s because I protected you from my mom. When she threatened you that she’ll have you expelled from school by a week, I knelt in front of her, and told her how much I love you. As an exchange, I have to make a sacrifice. I have to leave my house and live alone, and would never come back again, just to spare you from her not-so-good plan.”

His side of the story struck me like lightning. I was a fool to let him go, when he sacrificed almost everything just to protect me. I couldn’t take back all that I had set free. I cried even more upon realizing my own mistake. It was too late.

“Well then, I have to thank her. And I also have to thank you. Can’t you see it, Joo Won? We have to live our lives separately. We have to deal with reality that our roads will never cross again. Got it?” I said sarcastically. My heart shouted the opposite. I want to run into his arms and kiss him until we both pass out. But I couldn’t undo everything that happened. It was already said and done.

Walk away. That’s all I can do now. I did it, and he called out again from where he was.

“I love you, and I always will.” he smiled.

I showed him my own style of poker-face. From the short distance between us, he stepped closer and enclosed me in a rush hug. Our umbrellas fell on the ground, while the rain soaked us wet.

Déjà vu. This scene happened to us years ago.

And still, I made a silent wish.

Not his way again, my love. Not this way again.