P.S I'm Dying,

As I slip under the covers that night, Eli enters my room without knocking.

“Rude, much?” I say with a huge yawn. He turns on the light and I flinch, “Ouch!”

“You kissed him?” Eli suddenly demands. My eyes widen even though the light hurts.

“What? I-“

He’s furious alright. I can practically see the anger rolling off him in waves; his eyes are slits and he’s frowning so hard that I think his face might be stuck that way forever.

“How could you kiss him?” he demands again.

“I- well, he kissed me alright!” I exclaim, as if that is an excuse. I wanted it more badly than he did, I’m sure, and that makes me guiltier.

He sighs stressfully and grabs at his hair as if he might combust.

“I—what does it matter, anyway? Can’t I have some fun before I get married?”

“Not when it involves cheating on me!” he exclaims angrily.

“Oh come off it, John and I are just hanging out, I’m not in love with him like you still are with your ex-fiancée,” I say with contempt.

He stops pacing and looks at me, his anger fading slightly, “Who told you about her?”

I roll my eyes, “Like it matters, Eli, I see the way you are around her. How you forget I’m even there when she’s around”

“I—that’s not true” he stutters nervously.

Suddenly I’m angry. “Gosh, you’re such a hypocrite. You don’t believe in this stupid engagement, you’re still in love with Amelia Windsor, and you still expect me to be completely loyal to you? What utter crap!”

Unexpectedly Eli jumps on the bed in front of me and stares me down, “I may be in love with Amelia but I don’t go off and kiss her”

I purse my lips angrily, “As far as I know, and for your information, that doesn’t make me feel any better”

He snorts, “You’re the one that wanted to be friends”

Unthinkingly, I blurt out, “Because I was afraid to get hurt”

He stares at me in bewilderment, “What?”

“Nothing” I say immediately and try to scoot away from him. The proximity is almost too much to bear.

“No, explain what you just said” he commands.

“I don’t want to” I say angrily.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t want you to kiss some American rocker, but we don’t always get what we want, do we?”

I groan and roll my eyes, “Are you seriously going to hold that against me?”

“Yes” he says impassively.

“Look it was just a simple kiss, no tongue, nor teeth. Just lips, it was really middle school, I swear, it didn’t mean anything” I lie wanting to him to let me go to sleep already.

“Show me”

I wince, “What?”

He stares at me with a straight face, “Well if it’s nothing, surely you can show your fiancé what you did?”

I glare at him, “Not going to happen” I say sternly, even though my heart is screaming something completely different.

Eli smirks, “Then I’ll have to tell father about your infidelity”

My jaw drops, “You’re blackmailing me??”

“Yes” he smirks shamelessly.

“Fine!” I exclaim in defeat. I grab him around the neck and pull him to me. I’m planning to just give him a peck, but when our lips meet I can’t remember my own name let alone know how to stop.

My other hand goes around his neck and both his arms wrap themselves around my waist. My lips are going off like fireworks, and my skin has become supersensitive. He quickly pushes me down on the bed and lays his body carefully on top of me, without breaking the kiss.

I see bright colors behind my eyelids, like a laser show, and I’m sure my heart has stopped beating. My hands pull at his hair, wanting more, and his hands roam my sides sensually. I want more, god, do I want more.

This is so right. I can feel it in my bones, in my nerve-endings, in my heart, in my whole body. This is chemistry.

He stops me as I try to pull off my shirt and breaks the kiss. I open my eyes quickly and I see he’s panting as hard as I am.

“Don’t” he manages to say.

“Why?” I question breathlessly.

“Because... it wouldn’t be right”

And I want to scream at him that it is right; does he not feel it? But I understand what he’s saying; he does not want me that way. And I try to be understanding of his feelings, but an image of the perfect Lady Amelia pops into my head, and all I can feel is rejection coursing through my body.

As he rolls off me, I drag my feet to the floor and make my way to the door.

“Where are you going?” he asks me as I turn off the lights, but open the door.

Where can I go in this stupid place?

I close the door behind me and answer, “Nowhere” in a quiet whisper.