The Center

I walked slowly through the doorway. It was difficult carrying all these packages by myself.

“Daddy!”

I stumbled as a tiny body slammed into my legs and arms coiled around my leg.

“Hey Allie. Daddy’s a little weighed-down right now. Let me put down the groceries first, ok?”

I felt my legs being released and I strained the rest of the way to the table before thudding the bags onto the table. I let out a sigh of relief and leaned against the counter. I was exhausted from all day at work and then shopping. It was so hard being a single parent. I leaned down and swept Allie up into my arms. Her mother was long gone and I’d sworn never to love again after she died. It was unexpected. I guess being a mother at the age of 17 depressed her so much she felt the need to take her life.

I wish she'd have thought about me and Allie when she did it. I had no idea what to do now. My parents had kicked me out when they found out I'd gotten Tayler pregnant. It was bad enough when we had both mine and Tayler's income and support from her parents. They gave me 100 dollars a month to pay for the groceries, but it wasn't nearly enough for me to live off of, especially not with a young daughter. I worked full time with a couple side jobs. None of them were good, seeing as I hadn't been able to go to college. I was thinking about getting a roommate to help pay for the expenses of my crappy apartment. It was a fair size because we'd gotten it when Tayler was still alive, but it wasn't exactly the best place to grow up in. I wanted to get Allie out as soon as possible, but I knew that was going to be extremely difficult.

"Can I have my pay?" Allie's snooty babysitter broke through my reverie. That was another thing I couldn't afford. But, as Allie was too young to be on her own, it was what had to be done. I couldn't just leave a one-year-old by herself all day.

Reluctantly I handed over the wrinkled ten and five at which she matched her nose to the texture of the bills. I knew that I was lucky to find someone who would watch Allie for so cheap, but this girl really got on my nerves.

I watched her go. I didn't even remember her name. I think it was Tessa.

"What'd you and Tessa do today?" I asked Allie, carrying her into the 'other' room. It wasn't even separated by a wall, but it was considered separate I guess.

"We pwayed wiff each ofver. I wearned to daw a kit."

I marveled at how well she was speaking for someone so young. It was standard for them to be able to speak, but she was almost fluent in the language. Ok, maybe that's a little exaggeration. Like how she called a kitten a kit was pretty normal. Well maybe not that word exactly, but you get my gist.

"Coolios. Do you want to show me the drawing?"

She ran to the table, tripping slightly over the rug, but quickly recovering herself. I watched as she struggled to get the paper off the high table and clumsily rushed back to show me. She shoved the thing under my nose. In one corner I saw an elaborately drawn profile of a cat and I felt a slightly higher respect for Tessa after learning she wasn't useless other than taking care of kids. Then I saw the one that was clearly done by Allie, which took up most of the page. It was a sloppily drawn circle with four sticks coming off and another circle with two dots and a triangle on it. I had to admit it was very good for a one-year-old.

"I did dat wa," she yelled in my ear, pointing to the small one in the corner.

"Did you now? Well it's very beautiful, but I think I like this one better."

"Nevewmind, I did dat wa," she said, automatically changing to get m approval. I chuckled lightly and pulled her up on my lap attacking her stomach. She doubled over in fits of laughter.

"Which one did you do? Hmm? Come on, tell the truth."

She cackled with delight and struggled to get away.

"Dadddddy!!!"

When I could tell she was all worn out I stopped my ruthless attack only to be shoved down onto the couch by a tiny body.

"Got you!" she screeched.

I faked laughing as she attacked my stomach like I'd done to her. Even though times were hard I was content as long as Allie was still happy.

***

"You ready to go to the park Allie?"

"Pawk!' she yelled, jumping into my open arms. I propped her against my hip and fumbled with the key to my apartment. We descended down the stairs and when we got outside I pulled Allie's hat down to cover her ears more. It was extremely cold out even though it was just late September.

"Do you want to walk or ride on Daddy's shoulders?" I asked the little girl.

"Wide! Wide!" she chanted sweetly.

I pulled her onto my shoulders from my hip and walked the few blocks to the tiny park. When we got there I let her down and she clumsily ran straight for the swings. She stumbled a couple times and when she finally reached she waited there patiently. As I neared closer the more intense her gaze got, as if she was trying to compel me into coming quicker. After what must've seen like ages to her I reached the swings and placed her into a baby one.

When she'd had her fill of the swing I took her out and she hurried over to the slide. The unexpected collision with a man sent them both toppling. She'd almost made it there when she'd bumped into his leg. If he'd been any normal man he would’ve been able to brace the impact. But he had a lame leg and that’s the one Allie rammed into.

At first my sole concern was to see if my one-year-old child was ok, as she was clearly the more delicate of the two. But then when I saw that she was clearly ok I noticed the pool of blood forming around the man’s head.

“Hey! Wake up! Wake up!” But my cries were to no avail. Quickly I pulled out my phone and dialed the emergency number. I was worried. Not only for him, but for me and Allie as well. If he wanted to he could probably file a lawsuit against us and I didn’t have that money. They’d take Allie away and everything I had would be lost. How would she feel without her mother and father there for her…?

I followed the ambulance to the hospital and we left that tiny park, along with that man’s crutch, which lay forgotten on the wood chips.

I waited outside the room where they held the man.

“Daddy? What’s happen?”

I looked down at Allie, knowing she must be so confused.

“It’s ok. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t mean to do anything. It’s just this guy is really hurt and we have to really wish that he will get better. Ok? Can you do that?”

Allie closed her eyes and started whispering, “Get bettew, get bettew, get bettew,” over and over. I could tell she was getting tired. I glanced at my watch and saw that it was already six o’clock. Time really flies when someone almost dies.

Sitting here reminded me of when Tayler killed herself. There had been Allie, blood, rushing the hospital. The only thing was that it was too late then and who knows if it was too late now? I could only hope this guy would live. I didn’t want Allie to think she’d killed someone, especially at this age. She wouldn’t be able to accept that. Or it could mess up her whole views on morals. If she even had those yet.

“Excuse me, but I assume you’re the family of Mr. Drake?” a nurse asked me quietly.

“Is he the guy who hit his head? My daughter knocked him over and I had to make sure he was ok.”

“Oh, well seeing as no one else is here for him I’ll tell you. We couldn’t contact any of his family, but I assumed you were related to him. Well, he’s fine. We’re going to keep him here for a couple more days of observation to make sure he doesn’t have a concussion. If you’d like to see him, he’s awake.”

I followed her into the room and looked down on him. She closed the door delicately behind her and I put Allie’s sleeping body on a chair near the bed.

“I’m sorry about my daughter. She’s only one and had no intention of knocking you over.”

He looked over at her and smiled and for the first time I got a look at his face. He only looked slightly older than me. I wondered what he had been doing in that park. He didn’t seem to have anyone with him and his family wasn’t connectable according to the nurse.

“She’s adorable. It was really just a minor bump in the road. I don’t know where I’m going to go after this. I guess it’s not safe for me to go back to the park.”

From the way he talked it seemed like he was homeless.

“You need a place to stay?”

“Yeah, my parents never wanted a crippled son. They kicked me out last year when I turned eighteen and they left me a lot of money so I wasn’t helpless, but I didn’t really want to get an apartment because I don’t want to burn through it and I won’t be able to find any jobs that will want me. I didn’t go to college so I can’t get an office job and labor is out of the question,” he said, gesturing to his leg.

I knew I was being rash, but I felt guilty knowing my daughter was the cause of his injury.

“You could stay at our apartment. You would need to pay rent of course, because we’re having a hard time staying afoot, but you’d be welcome. I was going to post an ad in the paper soon looking for a roommate and this saved me the trouble. Although, it must’ve enhanced yours,” I said, blushing at the last part.

“Really? That’d be great. I really hope I’m not imposing. You don’t have to take care of me just because of your daughter.”

I looked at his helplessness and knew this was the right thing to do. If it hadn’t been my daughter it would’ve been someone else’s child and that person might not have been so sympathetic.

“It’s really no problem. Would you mind telling me your name? I’m Kade, and that’s Allie.”

“Elliot,” he stated, sticking out his hand.

And that was how Elliot came to live with me and Allie.

***

“You wouldn’t mind watching Allie while I’m at work, would you? I can’t really afford a sitter anymore and you can’t really do much else.”

I blanched when I realized what I’d said and blurted out a quick, “No offense.”

Elliot just chuckled at me. “I like how blunt you are. It’s cute.”

I blushed and turned away. That was definitely a weird thing for him to say…he’d been saying that the past two days he’d been here and it really felt awkward. I didn’t know how to respond because I didn’t know if he was just being friendly or what.

So I just ignored him and left the apartment briskly, hoping it wasn’t a mistake to leave Allie alone with him. But there was really nothing else I could do at this point. I was at an impasse.

My mind wandered the whole day as I moved around carts and took orders at the register. I just couldn’t get Elliot off my mind. I didn’t know if it was because of worry that my daughter was with a cripple, as mean as that sounds, or if it was because or intrigue. I think it was a combination of both.

The first time I’d gotten a look at Elliot’s leg had made me flinch. It was disfigured and apparently had been like that since birth. He could lean on it, but it wasn’t enough support alone, so he had to carry around a cane with him. It somewhat disgusted me to look at it, but I pushed those thoughts from my mind whenever they came. I felt bad for thinking like that. I think it’s just natural human thought. I was happy for my daughter though, because I knew she would never shy away from crippled people after growing up around one. I wanted my daughter to be accepting. That’s why I always told her things that most people thought were wrong were ok. She would be the most accepting kid ever when she got older.

When I got home Allie didn’t run straight to me like usual and I got a little worried at first before I saw her giggling under the couch. I heard Elliot counting loudly from the bedroom and when he reached thirty he hobbled out.

“Where’s Allie?” he called, then jumped a little when he saw me standing there. “Have you seen Allie, Kade? She just knows how to disappear.”

“Nope,” I grinned, winking at Allie who was under the couch. She let out a loud gasp that Elliot pretended he didn’t hear.

“Is she under the kitchen counter?” he asked bending over and acting surprised when he didn’t see her.

It was really sweet how he was playing with her and acting like she was his own daughter. I knew any doubts I'd had before were a senseless paranoia.

As Elliot pulled up the cushion to little arms snaked out from under the couch and grabbed onto his foot. He let out a shriek and laughter spilled from under the couch as he attempted to get his foot away, dragging Allie out in the process. When she was finally out she ran over to me and wrapped her tiny arms around my leg. I walked around the kitchen like she wasn't even there.

"Hey Elliot, where'd Allie go?"

She screeched, "I right here! Ewi, gwab his otha wa."

Ewi was what she called Elliot and it was downright adorable. Elliot thought so too. He was whipped by my little girl, thus why I wasn't surprised when I felt a much larger weight on my other leg.

I grunted as I tried to move with both of them, but my efforts were useless. Elliot just weighed too much. So I toppled to the floor and we all just stayed down there, laughing.

***

After about three months of Elliot living with us things were starting to get a lot easier. I no longer had to pay for a babysitter and had help with the rent so we weren't as tight on money. I even could afford to spend a little more time with Allie. Subsequently, I ended up spending more time with Elliot too.

He was starting to become my best friend. A lot of my friends had broken off contact at the news of Tayler's pregnancy, and I was glad to have him around. He couldn't help me out with physically demanding things, but he was using his parents money to take college courses online so he could watch Allie and he used the leftover money for rent. He said he was going to get an actual job and then send me to college with the money he made, but I would never allow that. If I'm not one thing, it's a charity case.

Time went by so quickly and soon enough it was Allie's second birthday. We didn't do much, just got her a cake, and I took the day off work.

The day after her birthday I came home to hear her talking with 'Uncle Ewi.'

"When awe you gonna tewl my daddy you wuv him? I want anofver daddy."

"I don't know if you're daddy could ever love me too. Most boys don't like boys."

"Why?"

"Well, I don't know. It's the way they're born I guess. Just know that it's ok for boys to like boys and girls to like girls just as much as it's ok for girls and boys to like each other."

An anger burned inside my chest. I'm not usually homophobic, but I didn't want him teaching my child things like this at her age. I cleared my throat loudly and walked to the doorway of Allie's room.

"Eli, can I talk to you for a sec?"

He grimaced before getting up and closing Allie's door behind him.

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't put ideas into my child's head. I have nothing against gay people; I just don't want her thinking about stuff like this at such a young age. Also, are you gay?"

He glanced at the floor and then back up at me, "I hope it doesn't bother you..."

"No, but I wish you'd told me. There are certain things I can't do around here now, you know? I feel like I've embarrassed myself by walking around shirtless and stuff like that. And I'd appreciate it if you stopped calling me cute."

I saw a disappointed look in his eyes. It made me feel like an ass for saying that, but it was just the truth. Besides, I didn't want to feel uncomfortable. Maybe I’m just an unaccepting asshole. I tried not to be, but that side of me came around at times.

I just wished that this complication didn’t have to come up.

***

“I’m home!” I yelled, lugging the apartment door.

“Daddyyy!”

My now five-year-old girl came running at me and wrapped her arms around my legs. Elliot limped in hurriedly, and took a few bags from my hand.

“Did you find a house?” I inquired. We were looking to move together. Elliot was almost part of the family after four years together and we were finally on our feet enough to be able to get a house. I’d wanted to do this before, but it had to been too difficult. But this year was a big stepping stone. Allie was in kindergarten, so she didn’t require constant watching, and Elliot had just finished online college. He’d gotten an office job the other day and was scheduled to start next Monday.

In the meantime he was looking for homes. Then when I got home he’d share them with me and Allie. We both had liked all the ones we’d seen so far, but Allie didn’t. I knew it was weird to take your kids opinion into serious consideration, but after the next couple, if she didn’t like them then we were choosing out of the ones we wanted.

“Yeah, I really think you’re gonna like this one.”

I boosted Allie up onto my hip and walked over to the table. There was an array of pictures of a simple, yet beautiful, house. You really had to look if you wanted to see the beauty. That was what was so awesome with Elliot. He saw beauty in the same types of things I did. In fact, he could even be considered beautiful himself.

“I like it Daddy! It’s pretty!”

I smiled at how excited Allie was. I knew this was the house. I’d fell in love with it at first sight and clearly Elliot and Allie had too.

“Daddy? Why did all the kids at school think I was weird for having two dads.”

I dropped one of the bags I still held in my hand. I couldn’t believe what she’d told the other kids.

“Allie, honey. You know that Eli isn’t your dad. He’s just someone who lives with us,” I stated, my voice shaking a little bit.

“But he loves you! I thought you loved him too…”

I was immediately flung back to the first time I’d ever heard Allie and Eli talking about gay people.

"When awe you gonna tewl my daddy you wuv him? I want anofver daddy."

"I don't know if you're daddy could ever love me too. Most boys don't like boys."

"Why?"

"Well, I don't know. It's the way they're born I guess. Just know that it's ok for boys to like boys and girls to like girls just as much as it's ok for girls and boys to like each other."

It seemed as if Elliot did love me. It wasn’t the first time I’d heard it. And now I was completely fine with him being gay, but I didn’t know about how I felt when I learned he had feelings for me. I swore never to love again after Tayler. Before I’d had my serious relationship with her I probably would’ve considered a relationship with a boy. It would’ve been weird and very hard for me to accept, but how was I supposed to do it now? That night just kept replaying in my head.

Allie cried and I turned over in my bed.

“Tay, can you get her?” I said loudly, turning over again, trying to block out Allie crying. Sometimes it was really hard to have a kid and I’d be lying if I said I always wanted her. But in the end I knew I would miss her if anything happened and I still loved her like nothing else. She and Tayler were all I had.

I heard no response and Allie's wailing was relentless. Grudgingly, I got out of the bed only to discover that Tayler wasn’t lying next to me. Maybe she had gone to check on Allie. I went down to her room anyway. No. Tayler was nowhere to be seen. I picked Allie up and rocked her in my arms before walking into the bathroom incase Tayler was there. The sight of blood pooled the tile floor. Running into the other room, I placed Allie down in her crib roughly and grabbed up the phone and rushed back into the bathroom.

“My girlfriend just tried to kill herself,” I breathed heavily and nervously into the phone and listed off the address. I looked around the bathroom frantically, which must’ve been forever because I heard sirens come blasting towards us. I was pushed out of the room as Tayler was pulled out on the stretcher.

I looked blankly at he people pulling her away and dropped back to the bathroom floor. I heard the sirens pulling away and the echoing of crying sounded through my head. The cold blood on the floor reminded me all about what had just happened.

After that Allie had became my life. It was hard for me remembering how much I loved Tayler. But I was only eighteen when she’d died. Now, being twenty-two and maturing before my age I was able to realize that I’d never truly loved her. I could’ve if I’d gotten the chance, but she took that away. I had to stop obsessing. It was best for both me and Allie. And if that meant falling in love with a man then why shouldn’t I?

What was I thinking? I couldn’t just choose to fall in love with him. It doesn’t happen that way. At least I was pretty sure that it didn’t.

“Kade?”

I jerked my head over to Eli, taking my eyes from that random spot in the distance I stare at when I’m spacing out. I looked into his blue eyes and pushed all thoughts from my mind.

“Yeah?”

“Um, Allie, do you want to go to your room for a minute so we can talk?” We both watched as she ran off before Elliot turned to face me and continued, “About what happened before…I care about you and I’ve tried to get rid of these feelings. I’m sorry and if it makes you feel uncomfortable, I’ll leave. I promise. But just so you know, I’ll always care about you and even if it’s not with me, I think you should get back on the playing field. Allie really needs another figure she can always look up to. It would honor me to be that figure, but I care about your best interests. If I do leave though, promise you’ll let me see her at least once a month?”

I laughed. I laughed so hard at his antics.

“You know Eli, you’re a great friend and I’m sure you’ll be a great father too. I’m willing to give it a try if you are.”

***

“I’m home!” I yelled, crashing everything onto the table.

“Hey Dad,” Allie smiled, enveloping me in a hug, “Eli’s upstairs. He’s waiting to take you out for your anniversary. Oh, and grandma called. She said she can’t continue paying you money for me.”

I frowned slightly at the news of Tayler’s mother, but paraded up the stairs with excitement anyway. Elliot and I were facing our tenth year together and this was a big anniversary.

I looked at him in his stunning tux and quickly changed into my own.

“You ready?” he asked, grinning.

“Yeah. Allie!” I called, directing my attention to her, “You’re sure you’ll be ok? I left some stuff in the fridge to heat up and there are some rented movies on the table. You can invite Kale over if you want, or Em. Both if you want.”

Before you shit your pants, Kale is gay, so we don’t have to worry about scandalous acts. Anyway, we were going off for the night and the rest of tomorrow.

“I’m sure I’ll be ok dad. Just have fun.” She gave me a knowing smile and winked at Eli.

Then we rushed off. I was still surprised that we’d even made it. To be honest, when we started I didn’t think we’d last. I don’t know why I’d tried it in the first place. All I knew was that now I was perfectly content. Allie was happy. We had a house. And I was over Tayler, and now had the man of my dreams. It all seemed a little fucked up, especially considering how we met, but the weirdness of us made everything better. I think, just not meeting Eli at the store and instead through something random and bizarre made this relationship just that much better. Besides we had that common element that pulled us together when nothing else could.

Allie. Allie was the center of our lives...