Metamorphosis

It was hot in Josh's POS car.
He turned the engine off ten minutes before because he said he wanted to save the juice in the battery, but I think he just took out the key to piss me off. He enjoyed that quite often, as did I with him, so I guess the battle ground was balanced. That was the kind of people we were; insults and irritations compensated for normal conversation. I called him fat, he insisted that I was a bitch, and then we laughed. As I discovered this character trait in him, the trait of possessing enough self-esteem to take a hit and disregard it as fun, well, it was refreshing. Especially with my everlasting sarcastic sense of humor.

I wiped a bead of sweat from my brow and looked at him expectantly.
"Do you mind turning your piece of shit back on so we can get some A/C in here?"

He faked offense,
"Excuse me, Ponytail is not a 'piece of shit'. She is a fine automobile with feelings, I might add."

"Well, whatever. Bring her back to life and give me some air."

"With that attitude you're lucky I'm not kicking you out. Apologize."

I blew a stray hair out of my face and rolled my eyes, not appreciating the irritations portion of our friendship. "Fine, I'm sorry I called your car a piece of shit."

He snorted, "Don't apologize to me. Apologize to Ponytail."

"Are you fucking kidding me? You want me to say sorry to a scrap piece of junk metal?"

"Now you have to apologize for insulting her twice."

Looking at the dashboard of the Pokemon-named car, I spoke without a tone of sincerity.
"Ponytail," I glanced over in Josh's eyes, communicating my extreme lack of interest. "I'm sorry I called you a piece of shit."

"And?"

This was growing ridiculous.

"AND I'm sorry for calling you a scrap piece of junk metal. Now, will you please provide me with cold air so that I don't pass out from heat exhaustion?"

Satisfied with his temporary power over me, Josh jammed the key into the ignition and revived her, the air instantly spewing from her plastic gills and onto my heated face.
"Thank you," I said with the cheesiest smile I could muster. He returned it.

We were parked at the entrance of Hemisphere Park. It was in our neighborhood since we were kids and the location of our first encounter. He was six and I was seven, and it was ever so unconventional. I saw him playing tag with his friends, my older brother Casey included, and all I wanted to do was join in. The fact that I had a vagina was in the way of that though and Josh told me to go "play barbies in the sand box and leave them alone". I was not so easily persuaded however, because before either of us knew it I had pushed him hard to the ground as my brother and the others stared in horror. I dusted my hands off proudly and looked down at the mean boy I had conquered only to recognize blood beside his head. And then he screamed.
I had made him fall right into a rock in the ground.

He was taken to St. Mary's Hospital ten miles away to get the deep gash in the middle of his forehead cleaned up and stitched. My father was so furious that he drove the two of us over an hour later so I could say sorry for an accident, then he told Josh's mother that I had a tendency to be rough because I lived in a house with a 'dominant male influence', meaning him and Casey. I could not deny that much. Growing up with him as my sole parent forced me to grow a thicker skin and hold my own.

After that day it took Josh and I two years to be civil with each other since he practically claimed my house his second home. He stayed over every afternoon to play video games with my brother and disregard their homework. We only became friends in fifth grade because we had the same teacher and he noticed that I had a smart mouth similar to his. We never really had a choice to not be friends since the rock incident was set in the past.

"So why did we come here? I haven't thought of this place in ages," Josh asked as he took a look around, not seeing anything outstanding enough to bring us there.

I shrugged, "Sometimes it's nice to just go back to the beginning and remember to appreciate the people in your life."

He chuckled and said, "What, to the place where you gave me stitches because you couldn't play with the boys?"

"No stupid. Because this is where we first met. Ever," and I glided my hand in the air from left to right, presenting the symbolic scenery.
"And look how far we've come. Now we're great friends."

"Alright, what's going on?"

He turned to glance at me with a knowing expression as though my attitude were like clockwork. Maybe he was right about that much, but I still rolled my eyes.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Whenever you act all sentimental there's some revelation to come along with it."

"Oh come on Josh, I don't get all 'sentimental'," I replied with a huff.

"Yes you do. Even though I'm one of the only people who knows it doesn't mean it doesn't happen."

I turned my attention towards the window, burning a hole in the slide ten meters away so I could avoid him and that smug smirk that he always had whenever he knew that he had me all figured out. That happened entirely too often for my liking. I definitely did want something, but I had to play it cool and paint the picture detail by detail. Act like I was completely innocent.

"So what is it?"

When I did not give him an answer he adjusted himself in the driver's seat with a grunt.
"School?"

I was doing fine. B's and C's. Average.

"Your father?"

Still harping on me as much as he always had.

"Casey?"

A protective pain in the ass.

"Ben?"

I flinched at my boyfriend's name. As the other possibilities that Josh named off had remained the same, Ben was always changing every time I turned a corner. Although it was always for the better. Josh saw it firsthand, so as my demeanor changed his had as well. He quirked an eyebrow in fascination. Just what I wanted.

"Ben? What did he do?"

"Nothing, it's just..."

"What?"

What I would say next would sound utterly ludicrous to him.
"He wants to have sex with me."

"Ok..."

"I'm nervous," I uttered.

"Why? It's not like you're a virgin or anything."

I turned away from him and wondered to myself, could I really go that far? Could I get him to believe that I had never fucked anyone before? However secret I kept my sexual encounters I doubted that I could convince him that I was completely pure. He always made comments about how seductive I was with him and other men. This was a long shot.

My silence made him laugh with disbelief.

I kept at it though, knowing that he was the type of person who could easily be persuaded with my face going soft and a tear or two running down my cheeks. It was the greatest skill I had ever acquired. His eyes softened, then went wide, popping out of his skull.
"But...I thought. Well. I heard that-"

"That I wasn't?"

He gulped and I scoffed,
"All the skanks keep spreading shit about me. Do you really think I'm that easy?"

Putting myself as the authority by questioning his judgment of my character was a sure way of solidifying my growing fable.

"No. I just thought that, you know, you've at least done it."

"Well, at least you're being honest with me," I mumbled angrily.

I bluffed my hurt by turning away from him to look outside with my arms tightly crossed. It was a bit juvenile, but I had seemed to master the art of pouting for it still worked on Casey and my father whenever I wanted a favor from one of them. I had a habit of taking things they said in the wrong context so that I could gain their sympathy, another word that was defined to me as 'the perfect opportunity to get anything and everything'. It would surely be successful with Josh as well.
Right on Que, he put his hand on my knee and squeezed it. I smiled to myself, plotting another strategy I could put into effect with that gesture.

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with being a virgin. It just means that you're waiting to share it with someone special."

I laughed.
He took it as my cynicism shining through, but really, I was reminded of how my first time was spent with some guy I barely knew for a week and I only gave it up because of his stunningly good looks. It was the worst sex I had ever had and was far from special.

"That's the problem. I don't think he is that person. I told him I wasn't a virgin, so if he finds out he'll know I was lying and I don't want him to see me like that, you know? Like he can't trust me."

"Ivy it's not that big of a deal. I'm sure he'll find it endearing," Josh said.

I had always known him to be a small-time romantic. Not exactly reaching up to Casanova's status but at least believing in love and how it could conquer all and other petty, cliche bullshit. If my dilemma with keeping my virginity a secret from Ben was true, he would not have found it endearing. No guy would. Virginity starts to lose its purity as one ages and morphs into the realms of bizarre and sheltered. Ben would not be the type of boy who would want to bring me into the world of sex because then it meant my percentage of becoming a clingy girlfriend would more than triple. Most men do not want to deal with that emotional ball-and-chain.

"You'll never know until you go through with it. Just tell him and if he's a good guy like I think he is he'll wait until you're ready. Give us some credit: we're not all dogs like women think we are."

I could feel my Bullshit Radar going off.

"Josh, I can't."

He sighed, becoming irritated.
"Then what are you gonna do?"

I decided that it was the time to put all of my cards on the table, go in with all my chips and see if I could win the jackpot. Biting my lip, feigning my non-existent insecurities, I said,
"I want to have sex with you."

Josh had had a crush on me since 8th grade, and I only knew it because his friends revealed it to me along with Casey. I was never interested in him like that. He was the boy that I immediately put in the friend zone after I witnessed him and my brother's mutual and savage eating habits and when I realized he was just an awkward nerd. He was never terribly attractive and not one that I would consider 'quite the catch'. He had his share of girlfriends though and each one of them dumped him. I felt sorry for him, but at the same time, he really needed to work on becoming less of a video game loving boy and more of a man.

It was only two weeks ago that the veil of his overwhelming defects had lifted and I finally saw him as a possible, one-time lover. Casey and I were spending the day in our backyard pool, performing a variety of dives and jumps when Josh came over to join us. I had decided to tan and watch them do stupid shit off the diving board when I noticed that he had been losing weight. Not dramatically, but just enough to become apparent. And he was starting to look good.

Good in the sense that he was edging away from the friend zone.
Just enough to make me want him.
Just enough to convince him that I was a virgin so that he could teach me the ways of sex.
A helpless girl who wanted to be dominated by someone more experienced.
Just the thought made me hot and I wanted to see if I could make it happen.

"WHAT?"
He shook his head violently and backed away as far as he could without getting out of his seat. "No, no, no, you know I can't!"

"But why not? You said we've known each other practically our entire lives and you're the only one I trust. I need to know what I'm doing when him and I have sex."

"Do you even know what you're saying right now? Are you crazy?! Then when he finds out he's going to kick my ass and I would gladly hand it to him!"

"I would never tell him! It's not like I'm gonna have some long, drawn out affair with you. Just this once so I honestly won't be a virgin to him."

After I said that, I realized how outrageous my logic must have sounded, and I was probably on the verge of being found out. In order to restore my plan of action, I suddenly put my hand on top of his that was still on my knee and intertwined our fingers. If there was even an inkling of adoration that he felt for me in 8th grade, I knew that it would be enough.

"You're my best friend," I whispered.
"I want you to show me."

"What happens after this? We're just supposed to stay friends and act like nothing happened?" He asked.

I nodded.

He was uncomfortable, gripping a hold on the thighs of his jeans and trying to cast his attention everywhere except for in my direction. I placed my palm delicately on his cheek to prove that there was no escape. With the hope I gathered in my gaze he picked up on my accurately structured desperation. I had him right where I wanted him. Josh blinked and swallowed hard, then did what I had been waiting for: he nodded.

"O-Ok. Come here."

I was eager, too eager for my dramatic taste, so I smiled nervously instead and leaned closer so that my head was across the console that separated us. His hand wrapped around it and pushed it up, eliminating the barrier. My heart raced with anticipation as he glanced down at my lips and then into my eyes that closed more with every inch closer he moved. I was under a genuine spell and as we were mere centimeters apart, he stopped.

"Now, you know he's a keeper if he does things like this."

He cupped my face with his hand, his calloused fingertips rubbing softly against my skin.
His voice lowered as he said, "Or this."

My body shuddered.
His lips moved to the lobe of my ear and he nibbled at it. Fingers clenching around his collar, I sensed him smiling.

"But that might be too caring, he looks like he'd do something like this," before I was ready he grabbed my wrists and pinned them to the window behind me; he had stripped me of any control I had left.

He smirked and let go quickly, then saying, "You don't really want rough sex if you're a virgin though. You gotta crawl before you walk."

I wanted to know his definition of crawling.

He wasted no time before he faced forward in his seat and started unbuttoning his jeans, fumbling nervously with the zipper that had gotten caught in its own teeth. I was on the edge of reaching over and ripping them off, but I had to act like a virgin so I sat and twiddled my thumbs a bit and looked away as though I was becoming flustered by the sight of his bottom half. From the corner of my eye I examined him as the denim slid past his knees and gathered around his ankles, his boxers pitching a tent. Oh.

He pulled his dick through the opening and let it breathe for a bit because it must have been like a sauna in those tight jeans of his. I was more concentrated on the fact that I had given him an erection so quickly.

"Alright, now wrap your hand around me."

I played dumb and put my hand around his waist. He laughed as he said, "No, like this," and held onto my forearm from across the console and guided me towards his length.

I acted surprised, holding it loosely and staring with exaggerated intrigue. He was a lot bigger than I anticipated. I moved up and down while he grunted.
He bit his bottom lip and mumbled, "I can't believe I'm doing this," then moaned as my thumb swiped the tip.

He was a lot easier to please than the other guys I had been with, even while I was faking inexperience. Maybe he was the virgin.

I stroked it for a bit before I wanted to get things moving a little faster.
I fidgeted with the button and zipper of my pants just as he had his with sweat forming on my brows even though the A/C was on full blast. A growl emitted from his throat and he got up from his seat and on top of me, straddling my thighs. The outside, the playground where we first met, was deserted except for a flock of crows pecking into the grass unrhythmically. Their chirps went unheard once they reached the Pontiac's windows, leaving Josh and I isolated in our steamy bubble. I gasped when his fingers slid inside of me and moved slowly; they were tongues for tasting. Sinking into my chair, I enjoyed the sensations he was creating throughout my entire body. Even with his arm bent at a 90 degree angle and having to lift himself to barely hover above me, my temperature was rising and my insides were on fire. He was good.

"You like that?" His hoarse voice whispered in my ear.

Oh god yes I did. He was turning me on like I never had been before.
Like a virgin.

I grinded up and down on my seat, forcing his fingertips to go deeper into me. I dared to look into his eyes. They were dark with passion and hungry. Very hungry. I knew what those eyes meant for I had seen them before at least once or twice, and only in the boys who were really interested in me. The ones who really liked me.

It was in that moment that we made eye-contact and our visual paths crossed when I realized that magnitude of my actions. The damage was done; him and I had already crossed the line, and after it would end, things between us would be entirely changed. A lifetime would pass in us having sex. For one of the few instances in my life I was feeling the backlash of fear and, dare I say it, regret.
Too bad I was craving him too much to stop.

"D-Don't stop," I said.

My nails reached up and scratched across the top of his scalp. He sighed with a nod and moved faster, keeping the pace steady like the pulse of a drum. I closed my lids in ecstasy, preparing my mind for what was going to come next. I could not even fathom how it would feel. I writhed beneath his touch, clawing his head and begging for more. I reached for the hem of my shirt and peeled it off, allowing him access to my bare torso. He leaned forward towards my chest and planted kisses across my heated, freckled chest. My bra clung to my skin with my sweat acting as glue. Through his wispy hair falling into his eyes, he stared at it. I was empty again once he took his fingers out of me and reached behind my back to unlock the latch with one swift movement and threw my bra on the dashboard. He smirked for only a second before his lips moved against mine and he pushed his right hand against my breast, back and forth, feeling it with his palm.

He turned foreplay into a masterpiece, always making the right moves and pleasuring me in all the ways I wanted when I wanted them. I was in one of my mental fantasies, as though I were guiding him without even moving; completely still. He was, after all, under the impression that he was opening me up to the world of sex, and it all felt so new and unexplored. As though there was uncharted territory that I had overlooked and he was leading the way. His shirt fell off, along with his underwear, and he stared at me in his complete exposure with vulnerability.

I looked him over.
He was chubby and imperfect, yet even with his patchy-haired stomach and love handles, I was ready. In the uncomfortable interior of his piece of shit car, the same car we danced to music in our friendly nights out, and our many long talks about the demons inside of us coalescing with our fears of life, we would be having dirty and immoral sex. That alone would replace every memory made. Even though it was inexplicably wrong on levels such as betraying Ben and taking advantage of Josh, I did not care. I was horny and Ben was at work for another five hours. He would never find out.

The naked boy in front of me reached behind to get into the glove box and scoured through it with one hand until he got a hold of a thick plastic package. A condom.
He brought it up to his swollen, chapped lips and ripped it open with his teeth, spitting the top piece towards the steering wheel.

"Is that you way of trying to turn me on?"
I asked.

He blinked over at me though he were clueless and shrugged nonchalantly.
With a quick moment's thought, he immediately smirked and replied,
"I already did that with my fingers."

I rolled my eyes.
What a cocky motherfucker, now I won't feel so bad fucking him.

He put it on himself and I watched like a student, pretending to take mental notes even though my only thought was about how much faster I would be able to put it on. Time began to lose its balance as he situated himself on top of me, the space between us fading. He pulled the lever on the right side of my passenger's seat to flatten it out into somewhat of a gurney but it jammed up. When he throttled it, the top section that my back was leaning against collapsed, sending us falling backwards as we were still stuck together. I laughed hysterically as his cheeks burned with embarrassment and he tried to smile. It came out as more of a grimace.

"S...Sorry," He said bashfully.

I took a small leap by palming his jawline and kissing it, encouraging his then damaged ego. He beamed and reciprocated my affection by adjusting himself above me and whispering, "You ready now?"

Yes I was. More than ever, and I did not even care if it would be dangerous to our friendship or to my relationship with Ben. He would never find out and I would never tell Josh that I lied about being a virgin.