Metamorphosis

Standing out in the hallway of Anne's complex, the three witnesses to her debilitating condition -Julia, Elissa, and Ivy- are bouncing off ideas to try to reverse it. To bring the old Anne back with the same fiery tongue and unbothered by Alzheimer's. They hold no degrees in medicine, or Neurophysiology for that matter, but they are believers in hope. Every being is until realism, science, or death leave their footprints on the brain, Ivy thinks. But she counts their lucky stars, for she still feels pure and positive that she and the others can get Anne to remember again. Perhaps with tender moments, bonding, and ultimately, picking up the pieces to the relationship and putting them together before it crumbles completely. A race against aging.

"You could always show her old pictures of the two of you, sweetheart. You haven't changed much," Julia suggests to her catatonic daughter, whose personal opinion of life's kindness is being shot to hell, as seen in the windows of her pupils.

Realism is knocking on her door.
Ivy's eyes bolt to the matted carpet of the aisle while Julia sighs hopelessly, losing another family member to the prison known as the mind.
"What do you think, Ivy?"

The girl cradles her chin in her fingers, feigning a look of deep thought even though the solution is screaming in her face. Let Anne go. Let her memory fade until there is nothing to recall. This is the circle of life. This is not an acceptable answer to suggest; Elissa would snap out of her numb state to slap the pessimistic expression off of her face. Ivy will never voice her honesty out loud because even though Elissa confided her doubts in her, and they are obviously consuming her, the last thing Elissa needs is for someone to agree with her so that she can feel more secure in giving up on her grandmother before her heart has stopped.

Ivy retracts to thoughts of being hopeful.
Or is she just hoping that they are?

They must pretend at the least considering Anne is only 15 feet away in her room with only a vacant doorway separating them. Ivy's hand finds Elissa's shoulder in an emotional urgency to spring her optimistic batteries back to life, cooing softly, "That sounds like a great idea. It can jog her memory since she can't deny any differences-"

"It's no use. Even if she agrees that me and her granddaughter in the pictures are a dead match, she can't make the connection. Not she 'won't', she 'can't'. It will be impossible, she'll think I'm just Elissa's twin."

"You won't know unless you try."

She huffs and replies caustically, "I have been trying, Ivy. You don't understand how draining it is. At least she remembers you, right?"

The other girl swallows hard, but the urge of defend herself will not go down with her spit. In a split second, she feels the same girl she had been for her entire life up until a year ago make a guest appearance. Ivy can imagine her with those long red curls, the same shade as an inferno, and green eyes with a fighter punching inside, smirking with shiny, rose lipstick. The old Ivy wants the new one to tell Elissa that at least Anne does remember her because everyone would rather forget the Debby Downer granddaughter.The sentence is curling over on the edge of Ivy's tongue, warming up so that when she releases it, it will charge with full horsepower. But it never comes out. She will not let it. That Ivy is gone and she cannot let her resurface, for the good of herself. For the good of everyone else. She knows Elissa is upset and infected with despair. She is trying a new technique called 'sympathy' in order to avoid heavier complications.

Before Ivy gains the opportunity to say something nice in return, sugar instead of salt, Julia interjects, "She's right sweetheart. You have to keep trying, and we'll help of course, but it's all we can do."

Ivy slows down, taking a moment to scan the older woman's face, and the desperation present is overwhelming. It is now that Ivy realizes that there is no hope in any of them. Not a single ounce. They are drowned and submissive to the surrendering side and the light at the end of the tunnel is already dead. It was as far away as the sun, whose beams only shine on because they're still traveling. It too could have burnt out a long time ago while everyone waits for its passing.

Elissa shakes her head repeatedly, finding no escape or cure to comfort her. Ivy suddenly feel horrible even considering to add insult to injury, and considers this to be personal progress.

"I can't do it alone, though. I can't face her by myself when she doesn't recognize me. I'll break down and that'll make things worse."

Ivy blinks, baffled by the second half. Break down?
She always believed Elissa to be the warrior, the level-headed referee who called out her family's fouls and penalty shots. If there was ever a need for an anchor, she was it. Ivy has respected her for keeping her feet on the ground ever since she could remember, and finally, realism is taking its toll on her. She needs to hold it together, but she is losing. They all are. Ivy scuffs the inside of her shoe on the ugly blue wall trim of the hallway that shrinks in width every second. She soon fears she will be squeezed and juiced of all her emotions and evaporate. Julia does nothing but nod in understanding, to which Ivy blindly follows. Playing the ally now so that she can mold Julia back together when urgency calls.

"I may be old, but I'm not deaf," Anne retorts from her recliner in the living room.

Her daughter peeks inside, hiding the rest of her body from the door's frame, assuring, "Mom, we're not talking bad about you-"

"But you're still talking about me like I'm not here. You know I can't fucking stand that."

Julia rolls her eyes when she turns to face Elissa and Ivy, bringing a strong sense of adolescence to her facial expression due to being scolded by her mother.

"Sweetheart," she coos sweetly to her daughter. "Why don't you keep grandma company for a bit?"

Elissa shakes her head furiously, not wanting to face her greatest fear alone.
"No way, I can't do it by myself. She'd rather have one of you in there; at least she she knows who you are."

Her bitterness towards Anne's choosy and faulty memory lingers in the hallway like a dead animal: instantly recognizable and tragic. Julia clicks her tongue against her teeth, frustrated by her daughter's continue pessimistic mentality. "We'll be in there in a few minutes, promise."

Elissa stares into her eyes with shaky desperation, then at the open door.

"Who knows," Ivy chimes in. "You have to start somewhere. This is your chance."

She knows she is lying through her teeth. The possibility of Anne and Elissa's rekindled family ties are close to impossible, in the scientific sense. A doctor will regurgitate this, but a believer reaches out to the stars of faith, blinded by the glow of positive thinking. Ivy wanted to be one -for Elissa, for Anne, for Julia, for the world of skeptics to prove them wrong, for herself- but the drive was not in her. Ivy did not want to take leadership. The passion and naivety is at a stand still from coursing through her veins. She used to be bright-eyed, but only when she was poisonous for everyone else. When her feelings were all that mattered in the universe, and hurting people in or out of her intimate circle was daily routine. What a waste her pure and childlike thinking was, when she needs it most now.

Could she be a follower of that train of thought again? Or has that train left the station?

Ivy keeps trying to go back, day by day, inch by inch, without returning to the life ruiner she deemed herself of being once upon a time. She is one more inch closer by persuading Elissa to reconnect with her grandmother, even if she does not see it happening. Maybe the believer in Elissa is under more shallow waters than her own. So with a delayed nod of her chin, still vulnerable and distant, Elissa makes the five-foot trip to the apartment entrance and slumps inside, giving hope another chance.

Ivy stands nervously beside Julia, unfamiliar with being alone with her. The two of them never say anything substantial to each other without one of her children present; after all the years they are still not as close as they figured. Ivy rubs her shoes together in a vain attempt to relax, looking in every direction except Julia's. Ivy would have rather been the one to comfort Anne because at least she can make her laugh. Julia appeared just as uncomfortable, staring down at the girl scrubbing soles with determined eyes, yet an open mouth as though she wanted to blurt something out.

"Be honest with me Ivy," Julia said lowly. Before she can finish her question, she glances away, then finally up at her. Almost with devastation as she utters, "How is Anne's health?"

Ivy was at a crossroad, contemplating if lying would be in Julia's best interest as it was in Elissa's case. Some part of herself urged it was not, because that was Julia's mother just out of reach and she deserved the truth. Ivy just did not want to be the one to give it to her.

"Honestly, she's getting worse."

The woman's face expands, about to lose its composure, when Ivy frantically adds,
"Not rapidly, but...just enough to take notice."

This cushion does nothing to halt Julia's sharp silent cry of shock, and even forces her to bend over and wrap her hands around her eyes. Ivy's words were more powerful than she intended, and they were painful deja vu in their profound nature. Ivy touches her back, rubbing soothingly, and that too feels like deja vu. A never ending push and pull between her past and present self, and with her help, Julia's suffering subsides to deep sighs. The two stand and bask in the new thickened silence of the hallway, every color sickening, and the proximity much too close.

Another deep breath passes through her lips, and with it, words.
"I know how you feel about him, but should I bring Josh into this?"

Her mother will soon be looked down upon by the grimace of death and Julia's concern is on her ungrateful son. Ivy irritatedly thinks about how he has not cared enough to come around when his family lives in good health, and how the Grim Reaper walking down his grandma's block is supposed to get his attention. Does something terrible have to happen in order for Josh to come around? And why was my opinion of any importance to Julia's decision? These are Ivy's questions, and she wanted answers that she could not get in their entirety.

"He's your son. Whatever you decide is up to you; I have no say."

"Oh honey, of course you do. You're a part of this family as much as he is. I just know that you two aren't on great terms,"

That's an understatement, Ivy's subconscious mumbles.

"And I don't want you to feel awkward."

Her mind is drawing blanks. Julia placing Ivy's comfort level on a pedestal above Josh's chance to say goodbye is beyond her comprehension. 'Aren't on good terms' is the mildest translation of what him and Ivy have. He despises her while she is still trying to get her life together and graduate from maturity. Her progress feels gradual as she calculates the benefits of seeing him again after six months, and Ivy comes to the conclusion that there is nothing. Absolutely nothing to salvage between the two ex-friends. 18 years of her life deemed wasted in a sure investment. It devastates her, but keeping her pride and improvement is more important. It is all Ivy considers she has.

She sees her past self saying to Julia, 'No, don't call him. I don't care if he doesn't see Anne before she slips away. He hurt me too much.'
Yet she cannot fathom that response after everything Julia has done for her family. Ivy's sense of empathy has evolved beyond that, she affirms.

"Give him a call. You never know when it'll be too late," I say as I grab a hold of her upper arm.

Along with Ivy's growing empathy, she has become a touchy person. Someone who constantly puts their hands on others to heal them instead of using her grasp as a play to get what she wants. She gawks at the concept.

Julia shows Ivy her teeth in delight and nods enthusiastically, pulling her phone out of her purse faster than a pig pulling out his gun. Before Ivy can process Julia's excitement, she is dialing his number and pressing the 'call' button as she stands next to her. Ivy's muscles tense, fingers curl into her palms, and her eyes are shifting flashlights. She did not feel right next to Josh's mother, and in an abstract way, next to him. This will be the closest contact in six months, and Julia did not notice Ivy's uneasy posture in her relief of much-needed euphoria. Ivy tells herself this new compassionate nature of keeps drawing a short straw without fail.

Every ring of the potential phone call encompasses an eternity of silence between, and Ivy was silently begging for the voice mail. Josh never made time to talk to his mother while he toured, so nothing would change this time, either, she concludes. He has become selfish and uninterested. Ivy rolls her eyes at his less than desirable changes, one foot planted forward and ready to hang out with the entertaining, elderly woman in the living room close by. Anne is a breath of fresh air and her grandson is Ivy's polluted youth reminder.

Julia's expression, just as Ivy looks over, is stunned in alert for a few seconds, and then beams. "Joshua! How are you dear?"

Doom consumes Ivy's body. Now the two are closer than ever and he has no idea. The moment his ragged voice struggles through the speaker, it eats away at her eardrum. It crawls it's way inside and bites at her insides like fire ants. It lays eggs in her stomach that hatch and eat her alive. So close to Ivy, as though he could be whispering his fatigue in her ear, yet an ocean away. Julia must have woken him up at an obscene hour, 12 ahead of their timezone, Ivy guesses. His pitch has her heart in a frenzy. This is real; this is pulled out of every fantasy and placed into her life. Into her most personal space.

She can hear him delicately mumbling to his mother that he is jet-lagged, and a frown forms on Julia's lips. "Sorry to hear that sweetheart, but I'm glad you answered my call because I have somewhat bad news."

Ivy can almost see envision Josh pinching the bridge of his nose with two fingers as he groans, and she does not want to move. She is planted to the crude carpeting of the nursing home's 3rd floor. Her curiosity is stabbing mercilessly, and she finds herself with a dying need to know how he is doing, where he is, and who he is with.

Julia bites her lip and continues, "It's grandmum, Josh. She's...she's not...she's not getting better. Can't even recognize Elissa. I think you should visit."

There is dead air on his end of the line and Ivy burns holes into the phone, moving closer so not to miss a single word. Julia notices and blinks at her, to which the younger girl coils back in embarrassment. Biting her nails is the only comfort Ivy can find.

"...Nana?"

His broken tone pulls her apart, and all she wants is to console him, however there is an uncrossable barrier between them and she knows she cannot. She knows he has revoked her privileges. Julia shuts her eyes, turning her head as though she could roadblock her son's imminent sadness, and inhales sharply.

"Yes honey, I really want you to see her because...well, y-you never know when it could be too late."

Ivy listens as the crushed boy babbles incoherently over his mouthpiece, struggling to understand the news. His tone drops and escalates in a break of patterns, hard for both women to understand. "I'm on my way."

Ivy and Julia share a confused glace, then stare at the phone as though it is foreign. His mother's eyebrows squint together. "Wait, where are you?"

"I'm at the airport with the boys getting our bags. I'll be home in about twenty minutes."

Ivy's mouth drops, and finally in fear, her feet have the sense to back off away from the phone call, away from Julia, and farther away from Josh. Julia does not notice in her excitement over her gypsy son's advanced return. Ivy's heart is cowering in the corner, shielding itself from Josh's inevitable wrath if she does not make a quick escape. Down the elevator, past the main entrance, and into her car is her plan of action. The boy from her past is the only one that has this impenetrable hold over her and she is taken by the human instinct of flight over fight. She has retired from the boxing ring and has discovered through her transformation that she desires nothing more than to live in peace with her changes. She would rather not be bombarded by her lingering past dues.

Ivy is at the step of the elevator, ten feet away out of Josh's earshot, and she fumbles to push the button pointing downward. Sweat boils on her forehead and her hair sticks and curls unevenly. The makeup precisely applied now smudges as she wipes her face with the back of her hand. In seconds time she is a train wreck, and as though attracted to the catastrophe, Julia realizes and finds Ivy, looking bewildered. She puts away her phone and just as she opens her mouth, the elevator door clicks and opens up, Ivy voluntarily swallowed up inside. The petrified girl bangs her fist on the button to close the doors violently as she is consumed with anxiety. She can not hear Julia's footsteps following after, and she comes to the conclusion that the older woman is confounded.

The steel plates of the elevator gradually glides across the open space until there is no more, and in her newly isolated room, Ivy lets go. Her breathing is ragged and loud as she runs a throbbing hand through her hair, eyes wide and mouth agape. Her mind is relieved and stressed simultaneously while she descends to the first floor. The elevator halts and is delayed one second too long, to which Ivy responds by furiously pushing a button to open the doors now. She realizes this only elongates the wait.

"Come on, come on, you stupid piece of shit."

The metal plates do not move, and she begins hitting them with both hands, her groan ending as a roar. Just as her frustration is going to get the best of her, the doors slide their way to the left, and she squeezes through the small opening. Dodging the bullets of stares and glances shot at her, a frantic Ivy scurries to the front hallway and rushes to the exit. Her power walking transforms into a full-on sprint to her car haven, sitting in the parking lot like a glistening treasure. She is running to save her new life by narrowly avoiding the old one.

Her sanity depends on her timing and physical abilities, and a bit of luck.
She speculates what an unexpected reunion with Josh would be like. What introductions would be used and how far it would drill their chance of a friendship deeper into the ground. If she had not been attached to Julia during the call, the events following would have been disastrous.

Ivy's heels click double time against the baking asphalt as she crosses the lot, reaching her vehicle in record time. Out of her struggling rationale, she holds her arms out and bends down, hugging the driver's door while whispering, "Oh thank god, I've never been happier to see you, you would not believe the day I am having."

The hysteria is mild but has potential, and that potential is fulfilled as Ivy reaches for her keys in her purse...that is not strapped to her shoulder.

Eyes popping out of their sockets, she bolts her sights to find her purse on her body or fallen on the ground. Her stomach detonates as she recalls leaving it in Anne's apartment, and at this revelation, Ivy sinks to the ground with her head in her hands. What was she to do now? Run back and grab it? No, she can not do that; facing Josh's family meant endless questions and postponing her departure. She can not face Julia after running out on her like she did, yet she can not comprehend facing Josh after running out on him the way she did a year before. Ivy is not her old self; she cannot pick and choose who to hurt like shopping for the perfect pair of shoes.

This only left one option: stay put until Josh comes and goes. Not the smartest choice, but no one would be effected in the process. 'As long as he doesn't notice my car,' Ivy tells herself. 'he won't notice.'

But there is also her purse, what if Josh spots it in his grandmother's living room? Any possibility of escape would be eliminated. A chance lingers; Ivy left her bag behind one of the chairs out of untrained sight. Now she prays for Julia's ability to work a room and convince both her daughter and Anne to keep their mouths shut over Ivy's disappearance.
The distressed teen breathes heavily in the new arrival of humidity and evaluates her scenery. A handful of oak trees line the deserted parking lot, and in combination with the blaring sun, this shading makes a pristine substitution for a rain forest. A sauna for Ivy to remain as a sweating, sitting duck.

Her phone vibrates fiercely in her pocket and she scans the screen barely able to make out the letters in the sunlight. Once she does, she cringes and pushes down the green button. Placing the speaker against her ear, she shyly greets, "Hello?"

"Where the hell did you go? You left your bag in the room."

Ivy nods to Elissa's unhelpful observation.

"Yeah, I know. Now I can't get into my car."

"Why don't you just come back inside and get it?"

The girl's innocent and dumbfounded tone leaves Ivy more frustrated.
"I can't because Josh will be here any minute and he might see me."

There is a starving pause, then Elissa says, "So you just plan on hiding outside hoping he doesn't find you or your car?"

"Yeah, that's the plan. Got a better one?"

And as though igniting the spark with her question, Ivy whispers excitedly, "Wait wait wait, I've got it! Go out on the balcony and drop it down so I can catch it!"

"Are you out of your fucking mind?"

"Come on, it'll work. You've gotta help me, I can't see him. He'll rip me a new asshole if he finds out I'm here."

Elissa sighs and Ivy bites her nails, vulnerable and bent on her decision.
"...Fine. Hurry on over."

In a hot second, the delirious redhead races to the side of the building where she figures Anne's apartment is located and Josh's sister is waiting with the lifesaving bag in her hands. Searching hectically for the porch, it takes Ivy a minute until Elissa waves her over like a huge white flag in the wind. Standing directly below from three floors down, Ivy holds her arms out and motions for a quick delivery.

Elissa aims, and just as she is about to let go, the sound of screeching wheels catches her attention. "Oh shit!" She mutters loudly.

Ivy peers back and clearly sees Ponytail the Pontiac: Josh's infamous POS car.

She can hide easily in the brush neighboring her, but as she stands three seconds away from him catching a glimpse of her, Ivy's instinct is to make a run for it. She darts back toward her own vehicle and the clock slows. She feels sluggish and exposed, but she continues, never daring to look back behind her. His car is in the danger zone and Ivy hurtles her body behind her car and out of sight.
He pulls up those few seconds later, slowing down, searching. Ivy is praying it is for a parking spot.

Her insides drop when he finally stops the car and gets out. She has seen his face countless times on television; Josh and his band mates are on the cusp of fame and getting their name out, too much for Ivy's liking. There is not one week that goes by free of a music video, magazine clipping, or online photo that passes her line of vision. But seeing the man behind all that, the one she regrets hurting the most, in the flesh, is an eerie feeling. The way his body remains fatigued as he locks Ponytail, and how he rubs his eyes -it leaves Ivy sick with what his thoughts are toward her. His clothing is the only element of his psyche unchanged: tight jeans, red and blue flannel, black vans...the ensemble screams 'Josh'.
He looks around suspiciously as he walks to the building, stepping inside and out of sight.

Ivy sits alleviated. Half of her goal has been reached. All she needs is patience and camouflage until he puts the key in the ignition and drives in the opposite direction, out of her life once again until Anne's funeral. Ivy reaches her arm over to an oak tree and knocks on the wood.

For the next ten minutes she fidgets with her fingernails and checks the time constantly. She could be stuck there for hours, yet she bites her tongue. Better than having to see him again, Ivy concludes. The crouching girl views the heated and wet surroundings again. The sky is an ocean and the few clouds its waves, drifting the bad weather from the day before away. She wishes she can drift along with it.

Then the thought crosses her mind: what is she doing here? Why is she involving herself with his family, implementing herself into the roots like some sort of pesticide?

She can now understand the magnitude of Josh's rage if he sees her.
She is ultimately hiding not to benefit his eyesight, but because she knows what she is doing is wrong. If Josh and her broke their bond, families were to be included. That is an unspoken course of action. He was not talking to her brother Casey anymore, as far as she knew, nor was he stopping by for dinners. He is not as pathetic and in denial as she is. He realizes the gravity of the situation, and with it, has cut his loses and moved in. Ivy is finding out, as she clutches the fender of her car, secluded, that she needs to do the same.

Suddenly, the doors of the nursing home rush open and Josh is marching out, red faced and furious, in Ivy's direction. When he spots her car, he continues stomping with her bag strap clutched tightly in his grip like a python.

When their eyes meet, his filled with anger and Ivy's with fear, he raises his arm and yells, "You forgot something!"

Ivy is stunned as he propels it through the air, heading for her from his far distance. The purse takes a damaging blow after slamming against her car's trunk, a bellowing roar emitting that echoes loudly. She crawls to the new mess and scrambles to gather her belongings that fell out, paralyzed with shock and panic, wanting nothing more than to disappear on the spot. Ivy's concentration stays exclusively on her bag and does not notice Josh in front of her, crouching to her ground level.

He watches her struggle for a moment with satisfaction before the venomous question arises: "What the fuck are you doing here?"

She jumps and staggers as she stutters, "I was just...I had to, I was...I'm leaving."

"Not before I warn you to stay the hell away from my family!"

"Josh!"
Both of them do not have to look back to know it is Elissa's authoritative voice which Josh automatically ignores.

You're a part of this family as much as he is.
Ivy can hardly hear Julia say this in her head. She shakes uncontrollably, picking up the remainder of her things.

"Understand?!"
He barks, gripping her upper arm tightly and in drastic contrast to the nurturing fashion of his mother. He is shaking just as much.

Ivy cannot find a response, even a simple 'yes', due to her trembles. Josh tightens his hold and she winces, not able to believe that this is actually him, but taking the form of a demonic possession. Someone with an absence of a heart, not the kind, cheeky, and charismatic boy from her childhood.

"You're hurting me," she cries softly.

Not even this strikes a chord with him when he retorts with a growl, "Not as much as you hurt me."

"Let go of her you twat!"
Elissa tears his hand off with fire in her eyes, pushing him back.

Josh is barely phased as he approaches Ivy again and rants, "What the fuck makes you think you can be here with my family as though you're a part of it?!"

"Josh, stop," his sister interrupts while trying to pull him away, to which he shrugs her off and walks forward to put himself even closer.

"No, you know what, you don't see me dropping by your place anymore, so what gives you the fucking right?!"

Ivy is on the verge of tears.
"I...I don't kno-"

"You don't know?"
His voice is caustic and Ivy gapes, staring at a stranger yet at something so familiar. She has seen it many times before in the people she has destroyed from her past. Ben, Casey, her father, countless others. She knows it all too well: hate.

"I know. It's because you've always believed you can do whatever the hell you want and use people. Isn't that right?"

"Alright, that's enough," Elissa is directing him away more forcefully.

At her most convincing, Ivy says feebly, "I'm not like that anymore. I've changed."

Josh cackles brightly, fully humored.
"Love, leaves change with the season, but they always return to their original color. And are you crying?"

"Shut your damn mouth and save it for your next album!" His sister barks while tugging him away, Ivy wiping the leaks from her eyes with uneven breath.

Josh stomps off, but not before turning back to finish with, "I mean it. Stay away from them. You're a fucking plague."

The siblings' footsteps are loud in Ivy's head as she watches him barge back through the entrance with Elissa close behind. The girl glances back at her broken friend and mouths 'sorry', not knowing how else to fix this, as she follows her brother inside.

With such heartbreaking words lingering in the air, Ivy stares down at her stuff: a broken perfume bottle, scratched foundation and blush cases, and a shattered mirror. She chokes on her tears as she copes with what has just happened. She has too little strength to even unlock her car door. Instead, she remains a puddle in the parking lot, hurting as badly as the first time, nauseous with the truth: this is all her fault and there is no solution possible.