Empty Eyes

The box sat polished, the lights overhead shining off, making the dark wood glisten. Flowers lined around the outside, along with many pictures of his life in remembrance of his young and un-ageing face.

Friends and family sat around me, weeping for our loss. If I had turned my head I could see his close friends, with grim features and red eyes that still cry. Beside me my brother sits frowning sadly, holding my hand and the roses we brought. They were never close enough for this to affect him like everyone else but they were friendly enough for him to want to pay respects.

Expressionless, my face has yet to choose an emotion. My fingers cling to a small golden object in my sweaty palm. I don’t know what to do. The sounds of soft cries and sniffles muffled by wet tissue reach my ear but never touch my heart. The blacken feel has finished washing over. He had never said his goodbyes.

Do I wish to cry like the others? More than anything, my eyes they remain dry though the whole service. The last image of him burns bright in my mind. As an undying flame, it never dims in my memory. I could picture him there in his room. The final moments he had. Kicking and gasping for air, his body fighting for life. Losing in the end and then waiting for someone to find it there, his pale skin cold as ice to the touch. Body as stiff as a rock, but he was fragile. Like glass he broke.

“Will you be saying anything?” the priest asked from the corner of my sight.

What was there I could say? He was the happiest person anyone had ever met? His smile brightened any room. His personality could make anyone forget everything bad; make you laugh, smile and want to live life to your fullest, without trying? He was far from perfection but still perfect…It was my entire fault that he was gone. I take the responsibility.

I shook my head; his eyes showed me sympathy and understanding. If only he knew, the reason why we were here today. He walked away, towards the only sense of calmness to my knotted stomach. The hateful glares I feel aimed at the back of my head, the ones that hold nothing but blame.

As the sermon starts, it holds no attention from me. I know the entire guest list showed plus more, he had a vast group of friends. I don’t see them, not really, but I feel their looks. They seem spilt. Mixtures of anger and sympathy seem to be undecided towards me.

I can never seem to look anywhere but the closed casket. Even now, knowing it’s hard to imagine such an important and liked man enclosed inside. Not as young as 20, anyway. To many eyes he was still a child. His life had just barely started, he had so much. The career he’d always dreamed, people who adored him, he had a whole life in front of him.

People start to speak for him; each speech made goes in one ear and out the other. Their mere ghost words to me, drifting reasonless. Their meaning getting lost in the use, no one seemed to be able to fully grasp the right way to speak. My thoughts started to search my memories looking for everyone that involved him; my heart acting as a dream catcher, ridding the bad from the good, pushing them away.

Our first date to a local zoo; sitting in front of the aquarium for hours. Different fishes swimming towards each other. Then chickening out and quickly turning, swimming away from each other. Our hands never let go as I pointed out each fish, naming them all off.

The first kiss we shared. The winter air had nipped at my cheeks and nose. My body shivered, trying to warm itself. He had kept his arm around my waist, keeping me against him. When his lips touched mine, my whole body instantly heated. The affectionate touch he used made my cheeks flush pink. It was what I had wanted.

The shattering sob of his mother pulled me from my reminisces. The entire time she spoke the venom in her voice dripped from every word she ushered my way. The guilted looks and curious stares all moved to me glued in a sick sort of entertainment. I sat there blankly, my hand holding the small locket tighter. The chain dangled between my fingers. The picture in the small frame locked tightly away, forever.

The priest walked up to her whispering things softly, his gaze to me now pity. His father and uncle grabbed her arms pulling her away. They never glanced at me, their grave expressions not holding back their sorrow. The casket was lifted, the men acting as if the weight was nothing above a feather. People around me started to stand up, filing out the doors into the freezing winter air. Him as he was carried to his snowy plot. I followed out lastly.

Snow fell slowly, sprinkling over the mourning crowd. The crunch of the snow beneath echoed in my ears. Our impossible future began to weave itself in my mind. A gorgeous wedding set in a sunny country side, children with his soft brown eyes and his light brown curly hair. Their smiles would resemble him, a dimple in their cheeks. We’d all live in a huge house and always be joyful, having everything that we had wanted.

My brother’s hand warmed mine as the priest said a few final words as he was lowered down into the earth. The crowd watched, hugging each other for warmth and comfort. The soft thud of the casket hitting the earth gave a sharp pain my chest and for the first time I looked away. The priest’s words rung clear in the air, wishing him a safe passage and forgiveness for his unseen death.

My breathing hitched at the final words as they were said. As silence finally washed over in the few moment of respect, my legs carried me to the edge of the grave. Raising my arm, my eyes locked on the top of the casket. The muscles in my hand retracted my sweaty hold on my locket dropped. It fell, hitting with a light thud.

“Thank you so much for your support everyone.” Rick’s saddened voice spoke carrying. “Mathieu will stay in our hearts and will be remembered forever.” He looked lovingly at the grave. “We will not stop, we miss you so much. Keep an eye on all of us; your friends, your family, your band, your tons of fans. You will never be forgotten. We love you Matt.” His hand scooped a bit of the snowy dirt and he tossed it upon the casket. “You’re singing with Angels.” My eyes tear up as he walked away. I dropped the rose I had brought for him before turning away.

This was my goodbye.