The Quiet of Compazine

Even when my dad strolled into the room, I stayed still and quiet and asleep. I was wrapped up in John’s arms on my hospital bed. As nice as John made my dad sound, I wasn’t so sure he would be that way when I woke up. “Oh. H-Hello, Mr. Davidson, I-“

“Oh, no, don’t get up. It’s alright, John, I just wanted to…they said she woke up, and I wanted to talk to her, but…I guess she’s asleep again, huh?” Dad laughed tiredly, and there was the distinct sound of the reclining chair in the room creaking under someone’s weight.

“Oh, she’s actually –“ I pinched John’s arm. “She’ll actually be awake again soon, I think,” John laughed, leaning up to kiss my cheek and whisper “Fine” into my ear. “She was a bit disoriented when she opened her eyes,” John continued, and I felt him shift so he could sit up straight and face my dad. “But she said she was tired, and that she wanted me to sing to her, so I guess that combination made her fall asleep again…”

“Hmm,” was all I heard from my dad. “John, I have to ask… are you and Porter…uh, have you two…?”

“Sir?” The inflection of John’s voice made the word a statement. “Sir, I don’t think I understand what you’re… Oh. Oh, oh, oh. Wait, what?” I couldn’t see their expressions, but John’s tone was going all over the place, with an undercurrent of confusion. “No, sir,” John said as seriously as he could manage, but even he couldn’t hide the chagrin in his voice. I spent hours each night listening to that voice. Every high and every low and every odd sound and tone, I knew it. John was…embarrassed?

“Good,” Dad said gruffly, and I finally understood what he was asking John. I wanted to slap dad for asking about…our nonexistent sex life. “But, if you do, could you at least wait until she’s, you know, legal, so it’s not considered statutory?”

“Sir, I think I’ll wait until she tells me she’s ready…and then, I think I’ll wait some more.” I bit my lip to choke back the sound of my sobs when I heard him say that. John would be the death of me.

I heard dad get up and it sounded like he clapped his hands on John’s shoulders. “You’re a good man, John O’Callaghan.”

“Thank you, sir,” John murmured, voice filled with quiet appreciation. They were totally having a moment right now. Good thing I was “asleep”, so I didn’t ruin it. But the moment was ruined anyway, by none other than…my mother?

“Porter! Oh, my goodness, Porter!” came her rather unfamiliar yet still extremely shrill voice. “Out of the way, Brian,” she huffed, using my father’s first name. “And who is this young man?” she asked, her voice getting louder and louder as she got closer and closer to me, I could hear.

“Petra, please, not now,” dad’s voice said quietly, but it was no use. “Petra, she’s –“

“Brian, she’s my daughter, too!” I felt her grab my shoulders and shake roughly. “Porter, can you hear me? Porter Gabriella Carby!”

Oh, she did not just use the full name on me. And with her maiden name? Oh. Oh, hell no.

“Petra!” My dad yelled, pulling my mom away from me. “That’s enough… good to see you awake, Porter, but I think your mom and I need to have a little chat first,” he said as he pushed her towards the door rather forcefully.

She was exactly the same – designer clothes, overly strappy heels for a woman of her age, flashy jewelry, yet surprisingly not that much makeup. My mom was always so naturally beautiful, so she felt like she ought to have beautiful things. She loved my dad, she really did. But…I was the reason she left.

When she got pregnant with me, apparently, she was at her “ugliest”, and she hated me for it. When I was just a little newborn, though, she coddled the fuck out of me. She tickled me, pinched me, smothered me every chance she got. Dad thinks that’s why I don’t like being touched. She thought I was the cutest thing right about until I hit double digits, and then I went from “cute” to “not pretty” and “not pretty” wouldn’t do for my mom.

She didn’t like looking at me, so she didn’t like to be home all that much. She cheated on dad left and right, and one day she finally just went away. No love lost between us since there wasn’t any there to begin with. Dad kept in touch with her, though, for my sake, but she kept her distance. Dad must have told her I was in a coma for the past few days. Dammit, why did he have to go and do that?!

“I’ll come back and see you, alright, Porter? Oh, you’ve gotten so lovely now and-“ Dad shut the door.

You’ve gotten so lovely now.

You’ve gotten so lovely now.

Only now?

I gritted my teeth as I shifted into a more comfortable position on the hospital bed. “That…was your mom,” John said slowly, a statement rather than a question. “That…That was your mom?” It was a question now. “That was your mom!”

“How many times are you going to say that?” I snapped, rubbing my temples. “Fuck this,” I snarled at the IV, slipping it out of my skin and removing myself from the hospital bed. I inhaled sharply, a wave of dizziness hitting me. I had to sit back down.

“Porter, what the fuck are you doing?!” John demanded, rushing to the other side of the bed so he could press some gauze to my still bleeding arm. “You need to rest.”

“John, I need to get out of here. Please.”

John looked at me for a long time before he sighed, his shoulders slumping slightly. “I can’t say no to you, either,” he muttered, getting up and grabbing a bag from behind the reclining chair. “Your dad brought this here for you a few days ago, ready for whenever you would wake up.”

I took the bag from John and hobbled my way to the bathroom, glad to find toiletries as well as clothes in the bag. I’d have to thank dad for this later. I took a quick shower, which considerably helped with the dizziness, before I got dressed. I exited the slightly steaming bathroom, still toweling my hair dry but now wearing flip flops, shorts, and one of my Tears for Fears shirts. “Let’s go.”

“Where to?” John asked, taking my hand once I dumped the bag on the hospital bed. We slipped out of the hospital room in a rather surreptitious manner. Thankfully, we made it to the door without getting caught.

“I’m really hungry right now…let’s eat somewhere. I’m starving.”

John opened the door for me. “Me, too…”