The Quiet of Compazine

“So, what did you want to talk about?” John asked as he opened the door of the IHOP for me.

I had half a mind to just drop the whole subject, but I knew I couldn’t. “After breakfast, maybe,” I said lightly, grabbing a menu even though I already knew I wanted the strawberry cheesecake pancakes. John was very keen on finding out what I wanted to talk about, though.

“My god, just stop pestering me about it. Can’t you see me trying to enjoy my food over here?” I whined, breaking his grip on my wrist so I could cut my food up properly.

John sighed and leaned back, stirring his coffee in silence. “You know, you’ve never actually asked to talk about anything with me. Sorry if I’m a little curious as to what you want to talk about,” he grumbled, staring into his coffee mug.

I wiped up the last of the strawberry sauce on my plate up with my last piece of pancake before eating it and shrugging nonchalantly. John was right. I never initiated our conversations, but I didn’t hesitate to jump into one that he had started. “I’ve just forgotten it, that’s all… I’ll remember it sooner or later, I’m sure of it,” I mumbled, giving John a small smile. It was all I could manage, given the thoughts swirling around my head.

“Well, alright, then, if you say so,” John said a bit uncertainly, pulling out his wallet when the waitress came by to refill his coffee mug. When he opened it to take out his card, an odd foil packet fell out of it. I frowned and leaned forward to examine it more closely. The waitress snickered when she saw it, confirming my suspicions – it was a condom wrapper.

John placed his card on top of our receipt and shut his wallet again, noticing the condom wrapper only when it was in my hand. “What is this?” My voice sounded hollow even to me. I felt like it, too.

John paled and the waitress left in quite a hurry after grabbing our check. “Uh…”

“You know, what, I don’t really want to know.” My voice got tight all of a sudden, and it was cracking, too. I didn’t want to let it sound like it hurt me very badly, but I couldn’t hide it. Damn.

“No, Porter, it’s not what you think,” John said hurriedly, getting to his feet when I got out of my chair. “Porter, please,” John begged when I tried to leave. He matched his steps with mine, not letting me pass. “Stop, Porter! Just let me explain, alright?”

I finally just pushed him out of my way. John certainly wasn’t expecting that. He actually staggered backwards a bit, almost knocking over a waitress. I tossed the condom wrapper onto the table and rushed past him, leaving him at IHOP. He could walk home, for all I care.

After driving for a few minutes, I had to pull into the driveway of some random house and cry myself out. Maybe I should have expected something like this to happen. I bet he was getting jumped by hot sorority girls all the time. I just wish I was a better girlfriend. I wish I didn’t give John any reason to cheat on me…

I was startled when someone knocked on my window and hurriedly dried my tears to see that it was only Garrett. He motioned for me to open my door. Sniffling, I unlocked the car. Garrett took my hand as I got out. “Porter, what’s wrong? What’s happened?”

“It’s not important… I’m sorry I pulled into your driveway like this,” I said with a forced laugh, noticing that my car was blocking off Garrett’s way out. I’d recognize his canary yellow car anywhere. Maybe I chose his driveway subconsciously. “I just… I’m really…”

“Why don’t you come inside?” Garrett said as he gently pulled me up to the front door. “Come on, tell Garrett what happened. Can I get you anything to eat or drink?”

I shook my head, allowing Garrett to lead me to his couch. “I’ll just stay here until I can drive again…”

“No, you’re gonna stay here until you feel better,” Garrett said firmly, sitting down on the couch with me. “You’ve gotta talk to me, Porter. What happened to you?”

I swallowed thickly. “Did you know that John was cheating on me?”

Garrett froze. “Porter, what are you talking about? John… even if John hasn’t said it to you yet, he loves you. He loves you with every fiber of his being. Like, for real. I’m not even trying to be corny with it. He would never do that to you.”

Garrett had it wrong. I was the one that loved John with every fiber of my being. I was the one that liked John more than he liked me. Obviously. “Then why did I find a condom wrapper in his wallet when we went out for breakfast this morning?”

“No, that…that just can’t be right…Hey, where are you going?” Garrett protested when I got up from the couch.

“I just want to go home and lie down and never see John again, ok?”

“Oh, so you’re going all Taylor Swift on him, are you?” Garrett laughed a little harshly.

I rolled my eyes and left his house. I spent the drive home blaring Senses Fail from my stereo system. I would have gone straight to my room if not for the lanky figure sitting on my porch steps. John sure had some nerve. When I pulled into the parking lot and killed the engine, John got to his feet. Scowling, I started the car again and drove away from my house. John never even moved.

I didn’t know where else to go, so I just went to the Barnes and Noble and sat in the manga section idly flipping through a Sara Dessen book I grabbed on my way. Nobody would look for me in the manga section, because I don’t read manga. And when I saw the Sara Dessen book, a rush of nostalgia hit me, and I thought, why not?

And then I remembered why not – because, in this book, the protagonist was also dating a musician, and they also didn’t exactly work out.

Me and my fucking choice of books.