Cheerio

“I quit,” I announced to Mr. Schue after Spanish. I was standing in front of his desk, my arms crossed in front of my chest, and he was seated in his chair, grading some quiz from one of his other classes.

It took a second for my words to reach his ears or for him to realize what I meant. When he looked up at me, his eyebrows were drawn together. He was genuinely confused. “You…quit?”

“Yeah, I quit. I don’t need the grade for Cheerios anymore and I’m not going to stick around in a group that hates me as much as they do. I’m done.”

Mr. Schue took in a sigh and folded his hands together on top of his desk, as if he was used to these kinds of dramatics. Having to deal with Berry, I was pretty sure he must have been. “Don’t you think they might be a little justified in being angry with you?”

All oxygen rushed out of my lungs. “Wow. This is just great.” I rolled my eyes and gritted my teeth together. “You’re supposed to be a teacher. I mean, I know that teachers have favorites, but don’t they usually at least pretend that they like all their students? It must be against some rule to show hatred so obviously.”

“I don’t hate you, Evie.” Mr. Schue ran a hand through his hair exasperatedly. “And I don’t think anyone in the Glee Club hates you either. Maybe they’re pissed, and you have to admit they have a right to be. You didn’t even apologize for what you did to Kurt. Maybe if you took that step and worked toward building their trust again, things would turn out better.”

Ugh. I hated it when Mr. Schue actually made sense. Maybe this was the impending epiphany that I was waiting for. Yet I didn’t feel some stirring deep inside of me or the ground moving under my feet. It just sounded like some guy who I didn’t have much care for was telling me what to do.

I took a breath, trying to decide what to do. I could take the advice, the hard way, and work toward getting people to like me again.

But the thought kept nagging me that it might not be good enough, it might be too late. I had been mean and cruel to too many people for too long. This wasn’t a movie where I could tell everyone that I changed and they’d all believe me and everyone live happily ever after. It would be a long process, if it even advanced at all.

Or I could just run away from the issue like I wanted to. Just turn my back on the fires I’ve started, the bridges I’ve burned, just like I always had.

Suddenly, the ground seemed to start moving under my feet and everything was being put into perspective. There was my good ol’ epiphany.

Mr. Schue picked up on the fact that steam was coming out of my ears from my brain working too hard for too long and interjected, “Well, maybe I could say something to them if you want me to. Ask them to try to forgive and forget? Maybe not to be so hard on you?”

“No!” I nearly exploded. I was thankful it was the last period of the day so kids didn’t overhear this exchange. How awkward that would have been. “You interfering would just make things a thousand times worse. Just…hold on.”

I ran a hand through my hair and took a deep breath. Closing my eyes, I realized that I needed to start changing the way I acted. Well, I’d realized that a long time ago, but this was my opportunity to put it into action naturally. The Cheerios weren’t there to back me up on my bitchy behavior. I was no longer popular. It was time to grow the fuck up and act like an adult.

“Okay,” I agreed. “I’ll apologize and see how things go.”

Mr. Schue smiled and looked back down at the quiz on his desk. “I’m glad you made that decision. I’ll see you in ten minutes at Glee Club.”

I fixed my bag strap on my shoulder and walked out of the room, taking that as a dismissal.

As I rummaged through my locker to get my homework, I bit my lip and worried about how I was going to word everything in front of the group. They were going to be able to tell if I was bullshitting them, just going through the motions so that no one was mean to me.

I took a deep breath and leaned my head against the side of my locker door. Would I really be faking it? Didn’t I feel genuinely sorry about betraying Kurt and ruining the reputations of Finn, Quinn, and Rachel?

I guess I did. I just…didn’t take the time to realize it.

Bracing myself for the worst, I shut my locker and made my way toward the choir room.

Everyone was talking so loudly that I could hear them down the hallway. But the second I made an appearance in the doorway, all noises stopped. Eyes were critical as they watched me step up in front of the group. A quick scan revealed that everyone was there, despite the fact that there was still five minutes until the club officially started. Everyone that I remembered, anyway.

I cleared my throat quickly, hesitating just long enough for Santana to call out, “Decided that you actually wanted to show your face again, huh?”

Instead of snapping back or yelling, I just held up a hand in surrender. “Look, I don’t want to fight anyone. Not anymore.”

My instinct told me that everyone would start talking over one another to chew me out, but the room stayed silent. It seemed like they were interested enough in what I had to say that they were willing to listen. Or maybe they were just excited to see how much of a trainwreck I was about to become. But at least they were quiet.

“Look, ever since I joined this club, I’ve been nothing but a bitch to everyone in here. And I know some of you were assholes to me the whole time, even before I joined the club, but most of you didn’t even know me. Your first impression of me was me sitting in the corner, being ridiculously critical and rude. And I’m sorry.”

Santana faked a loud yawn, stretching dramatically. I just rolled my eyes and ignored her. “But I’m not just sorry for being mean to the club itself. Ber-Rachel, Quinn, and Finn, I’m sorry for writing that newsletter and distributing it throughout the school. None of you have really been particularly mean to me, and you guys didn’t deserve it, even though Berry sometimes gets on my nerves. Quinn, we were even kind of friends. I’m sorry.”

I turned to Kurt, who was looking at me with a silent seething. “Kurt, you were the first person in a long time who has actually put up with my shit and ignored it, deciding instead to look at me as a good person worth getting through to. And I repaid you by betraying your trust. I’m really, truly sorry.”

Directing my attention back to the whole group, I added, “I’m not naïve enough to think that you guys are just going to accept me into the group with open arms. I know I’m going to have to work in order to earn your trust. But I’m hoping that apologizing to all of you right now will show that I’m working to move in the right direction. Someone helped me realize what it really felt like to be victimized like I was doing to all of you.” Even though I didn’t look at Puck for a second, I knew everyone understood who I meant.

Mr. Schue entered the room just then, and I had a feeling he was standing outside, listening to my whole dramatic speech. He put an arm around me, which was kind of uncomfortable but didn’t want to shrug off in case it would come off as snobby. “That was very nice of you, Evie. I think I speak for everyone when I say welcome to the Glee Club.”

I gave a little partial smile to the group before sitting in my normal seat that wasn’t close to anyone. Nobody turned to look at me. It was like nothing had changed. But yet…everything had.