Our Guide.

So lunch with Sam and Evan.

It was definitely different than what I’m used to. It was awkward – from my side of things. Like I didn’t have any money for lunch – my plan wasn’t even to get lunch, it was only so I could get some fresh air. But… Sam and Evan tagged along and it was suddenly a “lunch date”. That was what Evan referred to it as.

But I didn’t have money for lunch, and Sam and Evan had money practically rolling from their pockets. I felt stupid and awkward and oddly self-conscious. I was just lucky that I could play it off as me being forgetful and left my money at my house, but that just made Sam and Evan both offer to buy me a sandwich. Took them a good ten minutes to convince me that they really didn’t mind buying me a sandwich – in which Sam was the one who won out the argument and bought me food. It felt oddly intimate and I sort of liked it? I felt myself blush slightly at the site of someone paying for my meal like it was only natural to buy a guy you barely know lunch.

We ended up sitting outside at one of the many tables that they had set up by the sidewalk. Boomer sat down near my feet and I instantly felt horrible that I didn’t have anything for her to eat like I usually do, so I settled with picking off small pieces of the meat on my sandwich that were hanging out the sides of the bread and feeding the bites too her. She seemed to understand that she didn’t have her normal separate food and laid down near my chair and didn’t beg anymore and that only made me feel worse. I couldn’t even afford to take care of my dog, how fucking pathetic.

Sam must have noticed my immediate sour mood, his brows pinched together and his eyes narrowed slightly at me. I felt myself do a full-body twitch and I squirmed under his intense gaze and avoided eye contact of any kind. And to make things even more weird and awkward for me, I felt the heat rise to my cheeks and I mentally cursed these stupid blushes and I cursed Sam for making me have them. I’ve never had this kind of experience before and I don’t know what to think of it. Any of it.

Thank God Evan seemed completely oblivious and was messing around on his phone. I sent out a quiet thank you to the heavens. The last thing I wanted was for Evan to start commenting on my red cheeks and the fact that Sam seemed to be having some kind of internal conflict with himself and hasn’t looked away.

My knee started bouncing slightly like it was some sort of nervous tick and I picked at my sandwich, tearing off small pieces and eating them. I eat my food weird, I’m well aware. I still avoided Sam’s gaze and stared down at the table with a new interest. I mean really, these tables were fucking interesting.

There was a sudden movement to my right and I jerked my head up, and ignored the way my heart spiked in my chest at the sudden motion and how my instincts told me to duck. I stared wide-eyed at Sam who was suddenly standing and still staring at me with that gaze. Didn’t we talk about this whole staring shit? I thought we did. Maybe we need to have another talk -

Sam pulled out his wallet and all but stalked back to the window of the deli we were at. Hungry much? I don’t eat on a regular basis but I’m not even that hungry. I watched him as he talked to the woman at the window and bit my lip. I saw him slip his wallet back into his back pocket and great, now I’m staring at his ass, which was pretty nice to look at actually -

Wait.

I’m staring at another guy’s ass. I haven’t done that in… a long time. It’s been a while since I found any kind of attraction towards another guy. Like a really long time. I think the last time was in sophomore year. Yeah, that sounded about. It went… eh, I don’t want to think about him.

But these feelings with Sam were weirding me out. I never felt any of what I’m feeling when I look at Sam when it was that guy from sophomore year. I never felt my stomach clench slightly. My heart never beat faster than it should. I certainly never fucking blushed. My brain never short-circuits like it does with Sam sometimes. I knew I was attracted to other guys. I knew I was into the male anatomy more so than the female. Actually, a lot more than the female. But… it’s never been like this.

Do I have a crush on Sam? Fuck me, I think I do. I’ve never had a crush on anyone before – weird but nobody ever caught my eye like Sam apparently has. Shit. I have a fucking crush on someone. On Sam of all guys. Not saying that’s a bad thing, I mean Sam is sweet and cute and a great guy all-around, but it caught me off guard.

Not like it matters anyway really. Nothing’s gunna happen so why should it matter if I have one or not. So I should stop thinking about like right now before Evan sees, and before Sam gets back because that would be awkward for me to try and explain.

I heard someone snicker and I jerked my gaze away from Sam as he turned and started to walk back to the table and I caught Evan smirking at me. I glared at him. Fuck. Evan caught me, and now he’s gunna make fun of me. Just what I needed. If I’m lucky he won’t say anything about it.

“See something you like?” He teased, wiggling his eyebrows and I responded by rolling my eyes and huffing. So much for him not saying anything. I crossed my arms across my chest and frowned when Evan chuckled harder and leaned over to gently smack my shoulder. I glared.

“Hey man, it’s okay. I’m not gunna judge you if you like guys that way,” Evan said when I didn't respond to his friendly gesture. It’s not that I care that they know I like guys that way, it’s that I suddenly like Sam that way. Big difference. I leaned back in my seat and side-eyed him warily and bit my lip. “I won’t tell him you were checking him out. Unless of course you want - ”

“No,” I said quickly before Sam came back. “No, don’t say anything.” I swallowed thickly, and glanced up at Evan. “Please don’t.”

Evan acted like he was pulling a zip over his lips and threw away the key. The act made me narrow my eyes at him and rolling them. Such an old move, really. But I appreciated it anyway. I don’t need Sam knowing I have a crush on him. I’m sure he wouldn’t be mean about it per-say but I don’t think he’d take it well. I mean, not a lot of boys like the fact that another guy has the hots for him.

Sam interrupted my thoughts by sitting down in his seat with a wrapped thing in his hand. I studied it carefully and noticed it didn’t look like a sandwich. Sam caught me looking at the package and smiled sheepishly at me.

“I saw that Boomer was hungry and I knew you didn’t have money to get her anything and you looked sad so I just figured I could buy her some meat,” He explained as he unwrapped the bundle of meat. I raised my eyebrows when I saw it was roast beef, Boomer’s favorite. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out. I honestly didn’t know what to say. “It’s not a big deal, really. I mean, I don’t mind buying her food. I have money to waste anyway and snacks at school aren’t worth it, so I used it to buy Boomer something to eat.”

I should feel embarrassed that I couldn’t afford my own dog food but I was too busy staring at Sam feed Boomer the slices of meat. I didn’t feel embarrassed – well not completely embarrassed because yeah, I was slightly – but something else there too that I couldn’t place. Something that made my tongue dry up in my mouth and prevented me from speaking. Did that have to do with the fact that I have a crush on him?

Okay so, he bought my dog food, so what? It wasn’t like he was trying to woo me or anything. My eyes widened slightly at the thought. Or was he? I risked a glance at Sam and sighed in relief he wasn't looking at me, but at Boomer who had sniffed out the meat and came to investigate, and was munching happily on the slices of roast beef. Sam had this soft kind of smile on his face and again I was at a loss for words.

What the fuck is wrong with me? If this is a crush then I must have it bad or something because I can’t make myself talk. I could feel Evan’s eyes on me and I pointedly ignored him. No doubt he was smirking at me and silently making fun of me.

I realized then I never thanked him. “Thank you,” I blurted and watched as Sam leaned his head up slightly to look at me. I managed a small smile at him, showing him how grateful I was that he even thought to buy my baby girl some food when her owner couldn’t afford to even feed himself. Sam smiled back at me, and yeah I’m ignoring the feeling in the bottom of my gut at the sight. I need to get a grip on myself before things escalate more than they already have.

I can’t afford to develop a full on crush on Sam. It would never go anywhere, I wouldn’t be able to have any kind of relationship anyway because of my mom, and I plan on leaving once I graduate. Once he finds out about my mom and the abuse, he’ll just do anything out of pity and I don’t want pity, and I don’t want a relationship based on someone feeling sorry for me.

Nope not happening.