Our Guide.

With my backpack securely over my shoulders, I walk down the hallway, trying to get as far away from Sam as I could get. God, does he know how to take a hint? I don’t want to talk to him or his friend, so they need to just leave me the fuck alone. And the best part of it, note the sarcasm, I have one class with both, one with sea-weed head, and another with ‘I’m Mr. Awesome’. If he’s so awesome then why can’t he go find another kid to annoy?

I skip going to my locker because I really have no use for it, and go straight for outside, instantly looking for my dog.

My eyes scanned the area carefully for Boomer, my teeth subconsciously chewing my lower lip. I ignored the chatter and noise going on behind me, and I sighed out in relief when I saw my baby girl trotting her way over to me. I wished she’d be more careful when she crosses the street, some idiot will hit her one day. I’ll truly be alone then.

“Hey girl, I’ve missed you so much. Ugh, this is gunna be the worst year of my life, I can already feel it.” I ranted out to her, smiling as she barked lightly. I stood from my crouched position, and I was just about to head in the direction of the park when I heard someone shout out my name.

What. The. Fuck.

I looked around with a small scowl, and go fucking figure. Evan was standing with Sam, waving like his life depended on it. I roll my eyes and give a shitty ass wave back before I called Boomer over to my side.

I know, I complain that I have no friends and no one likes me, and when someone shows a little interest in me - not like that, no one will have that kind of interest in me - and I just act like a dick. No wonder I don’t have any friends.

“Those two boys are gunna make this year hell, girl. They’re trying to get me out of my shell and eat lunch with them, but they don’t realize that I can’t. And they‘re annoying.” I felt something wet lick my hand lightly, almost in a reassuring manner, and I smiled down at my dog. She always knows how to make me smile.

With Boomer by my side, I walked off campus and headed in the direction of the park. I always loved going to the park when I was little.

“How about we go to the park for a while, what’da say? I’m not ready to go home yet, the devil will more than likely be there.” I shuddered at the thought of going home. I wish I could just be somewhere else.

I sat down on my swing with a thud, staring at the ground. Boomer sat down in front of me, holding a stick sideways in her mouth, making me laugh softly. I took it from her, and gave it a toss a few feet away. I watch as she attacks it as if it’ll attack her back. She can act like a big puppy when she wants too, and it’s the cutest thing ever.

I swing gently back and forth, waiting for her to bring it back, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen right now. She’s too content on tossing it in the air and then jumping at it as it lands. Smiling, I look around the almost empty park.

There are a few kids running around in a blind bliss of the cruelty of the real word. They’re unaware of the troubles that will lie ahead of them, and that’s how it should be. I wish I could still be that young and carefree. I wish I could go back to being a little kid, happy and not worrying about everything I do.

A small pang of jealously welled up inside me though, as I watched the kids playful mess around with their moms, laughing loudly when they acted surprised. My mom wouldn’t have thought twice about doing that. She would’ve pushed me off and told me go away while she messed around on her phone for work.

The sky started to darken, and that was my cue to get home. How had it gotten this late so soon? I sighed and called Boomer over to me, smiling as she licked the kid who she was playing with in the face as in a goodbye, and trotted in my direction.

“Time to go home,” I murmured, and her ears drooped slightly. If human ears could do that, mine would be doing that as well.

My house isn’t that far from the park, maybe about five minutes at the most. My heart pounded heavily in it’s cavity in my chest as I neared the expensive looking house, and it only increased when I saw my mom’s car in the driveway.

“You know the drill,” I said to Boomer as I approached the front door, sadly the only entrance to this hellhole. No back doors or anything. Boomer pressed her cold nose into my hand and then went around the house to her pathetic excuse of a dog house.

I stared at the door like it was the most disgusting thing in the world, took a deep breath before reached a slightly clammy and shaky hand out to twist the doorknob, and push the it open. I nearly cried when I heard my mom in the kitchen talking.

I shut the door gently, hoping she wouldn’t come investigate but my prayer was ignored. I heard footsteps come from around the corner, and hesitantly I met my mom’s cold, hate filled glare. I didn’t dare make a move to go the steps, knowing things would only be worse if I tried to run to safety.

She abruptly ended her phone call with whoever it was, telling them that she’d call back later to finish talking to them. I wish she would just continue to talk to them and distract her from me. But nothing I ask for ever happens and it seems my prayers are always ignored. I shut my eyes briefly and swallowed hard.

“And where the hell have you been?” She snapped, her glare not faltering. Like she truly gives a shit where I was at. “Are you going to answer me or just stand there and look stupid?”

“I was at the park,” I muttered. I learned to not stutter when she asks me questions; she hated it when I stuttered. She seems to be proud of the fact she literally beat the stutter out of me.

“At this time of night? Are you truly stupid? You knew I had dinner going and you know what time it’s fixed, yet you didn’t take into consideration of the work I put into feeding your fat ass, do you?” I opened my mouth to answer, but I wasn’t quick enough. “Well did you? No, of course you didn’t. All you care about is you, you, you. No time to think of anyone else. Well for that, you don’t get to eat tonight. Why should I care about whether or not you eat when you don’t care about anyone but yourself?”

You don’t care period. I wanted to say that but I knew that it wouldn’t end well for me. She continued to glare at me as I stood there, shrinking under her harsh eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered. I really hopes she lets this go and doesn’t do anything.

“Yeah fucking right, you’re not sorry. Do you really think I’m stupid enough to believe you’re sorry? I must have raised an idiot. I can’t believe I raised an idiot. No wonder you don’t have friends. You’re sucha idiot. No one wants to be friends with an idiot.”

I didn’t dare say anything back to her, and just let her continue to rant and call me names. I averted my eyes to the floor for only about five seconds, and that didn’t sit too well with her. I heard the smack before I felt the sting in the side of my head.

“Have I taught you no fucking respect? You look at me when I’m talking you, stupid faggot. I thought you learned that,” She sneered, and I flinched back slightly as she took a step closer to me.

“I-I’m sorry,” Shit. Shit. Just fuck my life. I squeezed my eyes closed and had to suppress the urge to yelp when she gripped my wrist in a tight grip.

“Stop with the stuttering. You sound more like a retard when you stutter. Do you really think I want people to think I have a retarded child because he can’t speak simple words and sentences? God, just get out of my sight before I get really pissed off,” She jerked me away from the door and shoved me roughly in the direction of the stairs, only I lost my footing and fell to the floor, bumping the edge of the coffee.

“You stupid shit. You could have broken that with your clumsiness. I swear if you don’t learn to be more balanced, you will regret it.” She made a step to me, but I scrambled to my feet before she could reach me and ran up the stairs.

I locked my door, knowing she wouldn’t bug me any more tonight and collapsed on my bed, breathing slightly heavier than usual. I laid on my back, staring at the ceiling, trying to ignore the slight sting in the side of my face from where she hit me.

What did I do to deserve this? As far as I know, I was always a good kid. I never got in trouble at school, I was nice, I never did anything bad, I’ve never drank, had sex, or did drugs. I did everything my mom or dad asked without questioning it or talking back. I got a lot of awards at school for doing well in school and all my teachers liked me and never had anything bad to say about me.

So why did things turn out like this? Why am I scared to be home? Why do I feel like being homeless would be better than living here in fear that if I breathed the wrong way, I’d get hit? Why should I have to dread seeing my mom’s car anywhere? I shouldn’t be afraid to bring friends home. I should be able to bring home people, but I am. That’s one reason I’m trying not to get close to anyone. They’ll want to come here, and I can’t bring them here.

I wrapped my arms around my small waist and squeezed my eyes shut. These are the moments I really miss my dad. I miss all the summers I spent with him. I miss hanging out with me. I miss him telling me funny stories to cheer me up when I was upset. I miss the laughs, the hugs and everything else.

I wish he wouldn’t have moved away after he met his newest girlfriend. I mean, he could’ve found a decent job here and find a nice home, and I could go visit them on holidays. But apparently I wasn’t as important in his life as I once thought I was. I thought he’d never put anyone else in front of me, but I guess I just thought wrong.

When he left, and my mom won possession of me, my outlook on life changed. Before he left, I wouldn’t have been afraid to let people get people close to me. But he showed me that the you love people will leave you, and those who claim to love you back will leave too. Everyone ends up leaving in the long run.

And my mom was never this bad in the beginning. When she and my dad were married, she was a lot nicer. Sure, she never really paid attention to me, but my dad made up for that. She wouldn’t even get me a simple birthday card. But when they divorced, she changed a little. She ignored me a lot more than usual, and she would call me names every now and again, and sometimes she’d forget to feed me, but again, I had my dad there to make me forget the harsh words she’d spill. But then he met his new girlfriend, and slowly I was pushed out of his life before he never asked to see me, and then he got up one day and moved to New York to start a new life up there.

That’s when my mom did a three-sixty on me. She started calling me names more and more, and then she’d start to push me. And it only grew from there, and now I’m where I’m at now.

I sighed and brought my pillow up to my chest and hugged it to my body as if I could find comfort from hugging it. When I turn eighteen, I’m leaving this hellhole. I don’t know if I’ll leave the state, but I’m leaving this house. I’m going to try and move out of state, but I don’t know right now. I just need out of here.

I turn my head to see the time, and I let out a sigh. It’s getting late and I really need to shower. I sit up into a sitting position and listen carefully for any noises in the house. It’s nine, so my mom is probably in bed so I think I’m safe. Without waiting, I jump off my bed and grab a pair of clean boxers and basketball shorts and a red tank top, and quietly go over to the bathroom that’s just across my room, trying not to make any noise.

I shut the door gently and lock it. I didn’t feel like looking in the mirror as I undressed from today’s clothes, turned on the water, let it warm up before I jumped in.

Ten minutes later, I step out dripping wet and grab the towel I brought with me, and dried off. I dried my hair and then slipped on the boxers and shorts and tank top. I felt a little better after the shower. It relaxed me some. I was careful as I walked back to my bedroom, and locked the door behind me like I had done earlier. I tossed the wet towel into the hamper sitting by my closest along with my dirty clothes.

I shut the light off in my room, crawled into bed, and laid there and hoped would overtake me soon.