What Happens on Tour Stays on Tour

Pulling my heart on a fragile string across the cold concrete, I headed back into my car. My body was weak and torn. It was hard enough getting on my seat belt without breaking. It was a slow drive back to my house. As soon as I made it home, dragging my broken; damaged heart up the stairs, I went into my room. I couldn't even reach the bed until I collapsed on the floor. My eyes had no strength in them to push out tears, but how was my face already drenched in them? All I could do was stare at the wall in front of me. I didn't want to think of him right now, but he was the reason I'm in this position. Brendon Boyd Urie. The man I was in love with, the man I thought meant everything to me. The man I thought could never step on my heart. That night... that night I thought he meant it. I thought he was still in love with me. That night all he did was break me down and pick me back up. He tricked me; used me, and pushed me down hard (literally and figuratively). All he wanted was forgiveness that night, all I wanted was for him to go away. That night I thought I was fucking done with his bullshit. But then he kissed me. After a while I just wanted him. I felt in love with him again. I forgave him again. He didn't fucking deserve it. I opened myself up way too wide that night. I honestly wouldn't be in this position right now if I just kicked him out. He didn't have to fucking hurt me like that... the way he yelled at me. He told me he hated me, that he didn't love me anymore. He turned into a monster. Maybe he was right, he had Sarah. Maybe they were in love. Maybe I was just in the way. But then... there was Dallon. My goddamn replacement. It couldn't be love, it just couldn't... but somehow Brendon picked him over me. Tears still soaked my face as I kept on looking at the wall, watching those memories from my head cascade in front of me. I never did anything to Brendon. I gave him what he wanted: forgiveness. And what? He gives me the worst pound to the heart I could have ever had in my life. The worst part about this whole situation... I still love him. He made up my world without even meaning to. He gave me everything I could have wished for. I forgave him... because I thought he deserved it and it was love that drove me to do so. Now... he shot me; killed me. I can't hate him, but I should. I want to. But I can't. My legs are going numb, but I don't care. No one can help me. No one except for Brendon. If he came in and maybe apologized... I could forgive him. I don't want to give him up. In these moments... I shouldn't even be holding onto him anymore, but he was the one that fucked me over... I can't do anything. Ever since I was younger I felt useless, worthless, that no one cared about me, that no one loved me. All those feelings were coming back now. Call me sensitive... but no one can help me. I'm stuck in reality, I can't escape. What if it happens again? What if someone else broke me down? In this reality I had no one: not even Z, not even Jon, not even any of my new friends. I am worthless and pathetic. I'm broken... I'm used. I can't move on. I didn't want to live in this reality anymore. I was already dead inside. My legs shook as I tried to stand. I walked slowly into the bathroom and took out the anti-depressants. I then climbed up onto my bed. I held the bottle in my shaking hands. This would help me, I know this would. I unscrewed the cap and poured some out onto my hands. The greatest pleasure at this point would be an endless sleep.
I threw the pills into my mouth, and just tried swallowing. The water from my bedside I had a few nights ago would help me wash it all down; to take the pills off that were sticking to my tongue. I chugged the water, and as if it was some sort of reflex, I raised the bottle to my lips and had the rest of the pills fall into my mouth. Just like that, a darkness surrounded my vision. I couldn't feel anything, and slowly but surely... I knew my worries were soon to be over.