What Happens on Tour Stays on Tour

Did you ever have a certain event in your life that you wish you never saw? I did. In that moment I didn't really know how to feel. Mad. Sad. Disappointed. Jealous. It was just that one moment that made me think twice about who I fell in love with a few years back.
It was around 1:30 in the afternoon. I was sitting on my bed thinking of ideas for songs. Just because TYV were on hiatus with the absence of Jon didn't necessarily mean I should just do nothing right? Honestly, all I did was brainstorm. I didn't really have anything special happen in my life that I could just spread out into a lyric poem on a piece of paper. Then my phone went off. I looked at the caller ID: Spencer? I picked it up quickly, "Hello?"
"Ryan! Hey man, it's Spence!"
In that moment I couldn't help but feel extremely happy, "Hey Spence, nice to hear your voice again!"
"Nice to hear yours too! What's been going on lately?"
"Oh, well nothing." I said, slightly disappointed, knowing that Spencer and the rest of Panic! had already traveled part of the US and I am just sitting here in the mean time doing absolutely nothing while Jon is making music somewhere and posting links to his songs on the Internet.
"Oh, well tonight I and the rest of the guys are in LA right now, so we were wondering if you wanted to go to dinner with us... after our concert today that is."
They're here. In LA. Brendon is here, right now, in LA. Oh my God. I haven't really talked to him except over the Internet, besides the fact that I still like him it's ridiculous and oh my god, he's here, in LA. Okay. I'm not ready.
"Oh yeah sure." I let slip out, how many more chances will I even get seeing Brendon again... not a lot, and I miss him, but everything is coming so fast and... God.
"Awesome! Yeah we will be at the new restaurant that just opened on 4th and Maine at 9, do you know where that's at?"
"Uh. Not sure."
"Well we could come and pick you up."
Pick me up? Then I would see Brendon even sooner and it would be awkward, no, don't think that, um. Geez, "Oh okay."
"Hey you could just text me your address later okay? Yeah we will pick you up then, gotta go now though, talk to you later Ryan!"
"Yeah bye."
"Bye."
I hung up.
Holy shit. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I am not ready. Small talk online isn't like talking in person, at least not with someone you like. Holy hell. Why do I still like him? I've known him for so long, he was the one that ended up convincing me I wasn't straight just from the way he was around me, and he is probably the only man I have ever loved because I know what we had was true. The split broke my heart, but it didn't keep the feelings I had for him away. Just ridiculous.
The whole rest of the day before 9 I started to fucking pace around the apartment like an idiot thinking of what to say. Honestly, I shouldn't worry though, we started off as friends, we ended as friends; he has Sarah. He wouldn't really catch on to you still liking him. Ridiculous. Absurd. Hell, he probably moved on already. It's not like it's a date. Calm down.
I had already picked out what I wanted to wear, but it wasn't a tux, because that might make me seem desperate. I wore a white long sleeve, black pants, and a vest. It was 5 till and my heart was pumping against my chest. Goddamn, I shouldn't feel so nervous, Brendon is your friend, just friend, even if we had so much more, but don't worry, be yourself, everything will go fine.
I kept on waiting by the door; it was 9 on the dot, but they weren't here yet. Wait, did my breath smell? That would be bad. Quickly I got out a mint, popped it in my mouth and felt a little more confident and calm. Then the door bell rang, quickly I looked in the mirror and fixed up my hair, just a little. Ross, stop being so damn nervous. Then I went to the door and opened it. My heart skipped a beat, but only for a moment. Standing there, looking as handsome as ever was Brendon.
"Hey!" I said, trying to sound cheerful and casual.
"Hey Ryan" He said with a warming smile as he pulled me in for a hug. Butterflies surrounded my being for a moment. His warmth was covering me again. "God, I missed you." He said making the hug just a little tighter before he let go. That made my night. I guess he missed me as much as I missed him. "Lets go!" He said as we made our way to the car. He then opened the back seat door and made his way in. It was a small 5 seat car. Spencer was driving, that one guy, Ian, I think sat in the passenger side. On the left int the back was... Dallon, right? Then Brendon, then me. I was once again feeling his warmth as I turned to look at him and he was looking at me, with his beautiful dark chocolate brown eyes. He then said, "Well how's life?"
"A bit boring right now."
"Oh because Jon is doing his thing right now, right?"
"Yeah. I'm just stuck at home, doing nothing."
"Oh sucks, well at least tonight you will be doing something." He smiled.
"Yeah, I guess so."
For the rest of the ride I talked to them and they talked back about what had been going on. It was kind of quiet though because I didn't know Dallon and Ian that well.
As soon as we got to the restaurant the place looked kind of fancy. When we got a table I sat next to Brendon because he offered. He legit offered. What if he still liked me?! Oh. My. God. Don't over think this. Calm, Ross, calm.
When it finally came to ordering, I didn't know what I wanted, I just ended up picking something that sounded familiar to me. While we waited for food and while we were eating we had occasional small talk.
When we were finally done and ready to leave Spencer says: "Well Ryan we could drive you home, unless you wanna chill with us back at the venue-"
Brendon chimed in "Well it's not all the best idea, Spencer, as soon as we get back we only have like less then an hour and we would have to pack everything up and stuff."
Okay maybe Brendon made me feel a little less welcome, but if they were busy I wouldn't have time to talk with them anyway. I then said, "Yeah might as well get back."
"Alright." Spencer said. I could tell he looked upset, I didn't blame him. He was my best friend.
On the drive home we all sat in the same place. Before we made it to my house I started getting a feeling at the back of my mind. I really wish I could still hang with them though. It's kind of odd that Brendon contradicted, because he seemed to miss me the most. Was it because I might feel like a loner with the new members around? It's not like I would care, I had either Spencer or Brendon to talk to, it's not like Ian and Dallon kept them totally occupied. Also I knew where they performed at, I didn't watch the performance, but I knew where it took place. As soon as we got to my house and as soon as they said their goodbye's, I went inside and dropped everything off, but I stood a moment and thought about it: wouldn't that seem kind of stalker-ish? Would Brendon automatically think I came back because I still had feelings for him? Would they just think that it wasn't worth it because when I get there, they will just be busy? I didn't know, but I was going to take a chance. I had to see Brendon again, because I didn't give him a proper goodbye. I don't know when I will ever see him again. Without another thought I got in my car and headed to the venue.
As soon as I got there I tried to find the back of the place. Then I saw Zack, he would let me in.
"Zack!" I said as I ran over to him.
"Oh Ryan, hey how's it going?" He came over to me and gave me a small one arm bro hug.
"Hey I just came to say goodbye to Brendon and Spencer."
"Oh yeah, they're leaving in a while, but you got some time to see them. Go right along." He then pointed to the door.
As I went in there were different hallways and doors. Okay yeah this might take me a while.
It felt like I was looking for 10 minutes until I heard quiet talking coming from around one of the corners. As I listened closer I could hear the sound of Brendon's voice. I didn't want to just storm in there so I waited until they were done. I wasn't quite sure who he was talking to, but I just stood there and listened:
"LA has such a great audience!" Brendon said.
"I know... they enjoy your good looks." The man said, I still wasn't sure who it was.
"Yeah, but you're the tall drink of water. I'm pretty sure they fell for you too." Okay the conversation started to confuse me a little. No, just compliments, calm it, Ross.
"Dallon, I swear I almost got hard from you tonight." Brendon said, almost in a seductive voice. Brendon... what the fuck?
"Only for you, man." Dallon replied.
"God, I love you." Brendon said... to Dallon. No. Fuck. What the hell?
"Love you too."
It then got dead silent; quickly I looked around the corner. Both of their eyes were shut as they went in for a kiss. The second time I got a strong sick feeling running through my stomach as I could see Brendon's goddamn fucking tongue sliding into this guy's mouth. Oh fuck no. Brendon.... no damn it!
"Brendon!?" I said, probably a bit too loud.
He looked over, eyes wide, "Ryan." He said, surprised.
I couldn't watch this anymore; let them do whatever the fuck they want. This killed my heart in such a cruel way; I couldn't even feel anything else except for hate.
"Oh my god." I got out as I started walking away. I could feel a hand tightly grip my arm. Brendon had a hold of me... what? To apologize? Fuck that, I've seen what I've seen, he gets no apology excepted, too late. His grip was so tight, I couldn't get away, "Let go." I struggled.
"Listen to me I can explain." He said loud and stern... fine he gets one fucking shot.
"Go and explain then, I'm listening." I crossed my arms, stood where I was, and he let go.
"It's not what you think."
"Not what I think?! You had your tongue down a fucking married man's throat, not what I think, huh." I couldn't stand it, I tried leaving again.
He grabbed my arm and pulled me back again, "Listen Ryan, I fell in love, okay?!"
"You're not in love with him!" I said, weather it was true or not I was extremely heart broken, pissed off, and... jealous.
"Are you jealous, Ryan, is that it?"
I wanted to cry, "Yeah that's it, that's fucking it!"
"Ryan-"
"Did you fuck him, yet?" I spat in his face.
"No, Ryan I-"
"You know why I came here? I can here to see you and to give you a proper goodbye. Maybe spend a few more small private moments with you, then I come in here and you break my heart!" Everything just falls apart as I slide down against a wall, holding my knees in, starting to squeeze out tears.
"I didn't know you would be coming here... I thought I told you-"
"How could you do this to me?!" I cry, the words choking out hard.
"Do what?! If you just stayed home, I'm sorry I didn't tell you-"
"What you're doing to Dallon was the same thing you did to me, except this time you are also with Sarah!"
"I am a whore okay." He held my arms and came close to my face to look solidly in my eyes. I could see coming tears in them, "I just turned into a bastard when you left, I just went for the hottest guy."
"I didn't fall in love with a whore and a bastard."
"I'm sorry that happened over time when you left, I just."
"No, I shouldn't have even come. Even though I was so damn sure that you knew it was always me falling for you. Dallon doesn't have the love that I had for you… that I still have for you."
"I'm so sorry..." His tears running down his face, he started so sing quietly, his head practically pressing against my head, "It was always you... falling for me."
"Ryan, I promise I won't do this to you ever again, no more secrets, no more relationships with the other band members."
He then started going in closer to me, possibly coming in for a kiss, no I don't want to taste Dallon. I grabbed his shoulders and held him back. He let another tear fall from his eye before he quickly presses his lips to my head, "I forgot how much I loved you..." He whispered above me.
"I never forgot... and I never will." I tell him.
"Will you forgive me?" He looks back with pleading eyes.
"I don't know, Brendon." I say honestly, no I can't apologize to him... not after what happened.
"I won't do anything more to hurt you, I promise." His eyes still pleading for forgiveness.
I'm not giving in. I start to get up; Brendon rushes up too. His red, tear stained, puppy dog eyes still glued to mine, "There's always a next time, but for now..."
I start to leave. I don't look back. I don't say another word. I feel relief because he isn't following me. What hurts the most: Not forgiving him or walking away? I don't know, but being around him will not clear my head. I don't think anymore as I just walk away, into my car, back home.
When I get home, I go and lay on my bed, crying again, I can't do it, I can't take anything back, I can't give anything.... I'm a wreck.
I could hear my phone, but at the moment I don't even move. After 2 hours of thinking I look back at my phone: 13 texts... all from Brendon. No, no more Brendon.
I threw my phone to the side. I suddenly feel not so in love with him anymore. His sorry's don't touch me. No, you know what? Fuck Brendon, fuck him. I give up. I give up on being in love with him, he had changed way too much and I just had to figure it out the hard way. No, I wasn't in love with him anymore.
The doorbell rang; it was about 12 in the morning. Please don't let it be who I think it is, please. I go to the door, slowly. I don't want to see him, why can't he take the damn hint. I opened the door to see Brendon with a deep pleading look in his eyes and a frown on his lips, "Ryan, please."
"No, Brendon." I couldn't do it. I tried to close the door on him but he pushed his way in. In an instant his arms were wrapped around my waist and his stomach was against mine. No, does he think that he can just try to take me back my holding me and touching me? He was wrong. I didn't move, though. I couldn't fight like this anymore.
I looked away from his eyes, his pleading was too much.
"Ryan, look at me." He said, a whine in his voice.
"Brendon, this doesn't change anything."
"I'm going to miss my flight because of you, and you know what? I don't care! I just want you to forgive me."
Brendon was missing his flight just for me? Oh my god. He's not giving up, but it's all his fault... right?
"Go catch your flight, I'm not gunna drive you to the airport." My voice came out hoarse. I can't treat him like this...
"I don't give a shit if you don't drive me to the airport. I just want to know that you won't hate me the rest of my life."
I looked into his eyes now. I could see the tear stains on his cheeks. Fuck, Bren. Don't do this to me. I didn't say anything and neither did he. I just stood there in his arms. He wouldn't look away. No, he has to go; he's going to miss his flight, "Bren, just go. I don't want you to miss your flight."
"No, no, no, no, no. Ryan, you just don't get it. I won't be able to move on from this if you don't forgive me."
I quickly got out of his grip because I knew he didn't have a strong hold, without even thinking I let it out without the feeling of pain, "Brendon, goddamn it just leave! Don't miss your flight because of this. Seriously. go."
"No!" He said, choking it out with extreme force in his voice.
"Get the fuck out Bren!" I yelled.
"Forgive me, please just fucking forgive me." He fell into a whisper as he came over again to me, wrapped his arms around me tight, and pressed his lips to mine. My mind went fuzzy. I couldn't think, couldn't fathom the moment. There wasn't hate inside me, everything was melting away. It was the genuine taste of his lips, nothing different, everything I remembered. His arms were exploring my back, and my fingertips felt their way through his hair. I was seriously touching him again, kissing him again, shit; I couldn't feel anything else except for want. At that moment I wanted Brendon. I wanted his love.
His lips removed from mine and went to my neck. His tender, yet feathery kisses were touching my neck. I let out a small moan.
I didn't have the strength to push him away. He then kissed under my chin while one of his hands cupped the other side of my face. He was finally settling down and as soon as we made the least bit of eye contact he was back on my lips again. His tongue this time was snaking around with mine. I felt my body just get warmer and warmer as Brendon's hands grazed under my shirt. Oh fuck. Oh yes. Here... now. I lifted my arms up as he pulled my shirt over my head. I then went to his and took it off right before his lips went to my collarbone, "Brendon... fuck..." I got out under my breath. I definitely was hard. It had been so long since this man turned me on. Way too long. He went lower and lower each time. I lost my breath every so often as he got down on his knees. He took off my belt slowly and paced wet kisses on my hip bone. I managed to get out a, "Brendon wait... please wait."
Brendon got up and pushed his chest to mine with wrapped arms around us stroking my face, "What... whatever it is..."
"No. no job..." I got out, barley, "just..." I could barley get it out, everything that just happened today, but I wanted it... I wanted Brendon inside of me... one more time. I needed it. I looked into his lust filled eyes, seeing if he could take the hint.
"You sure?" He asked.
"I'm fucking ready..." I said.
We then quickly made it to the bed, Brendon's lips pushing hard against mine as I started to take off his belt. He pulled off my jeans and boxers as well as I did with his. I was so ready for it, so ready. He was too. Both of us were panting and staring at each other's bodies. I haven't seen him naked in so long. I went against him just to feel his skin press to mine, just to feel his hardness against mine. Oh fuck yes.
"You ready?" He whispered in my ear.
"Please."
I turned with my back facing him. I could feel his hands on my shoulder's I could feel his hardness about to go in me. He squeezed my shoulder's as he entered. Yes, yes, yes.
Each time it got harder and deeper. Each time I moaned louder and eventually pushed out his name a few times. Eventually he pulled out because he most likely came. I had already when he started to get in deep. He then flipped on the bed facing me now. His eyes just sparkled in lust, "Ryan..."
"Yeah?"
"Do you forgive me?"
I didn't say anything because honestly, I didn't know how to feel anymore. Instead of saying nothing I kissed Brendon, slow and passionately. The air was so hot and we were such a mess.
"No one else in the world I love more then you, Ryan. No one. Not even Sarah. Listen, you've changed me for the better, not being around you killed me and turned me into something I never really was. Ryan, please, I broke up with Dallon and he gets it."
"I can't stay mad at you forever. I was jealous okay? I'm sorry I made you miss your flight."
"I don't care about the damn flight... I just care about you... about us."
At this point and with what he said I couldn't help but say it, "Apology accepted."
Brendon's phone then went off as he quickly got it off the ground out of his jeans pocket and climbed back into his spot on the bed, "Hello..." he just picked it up in front of me, whatever.
I could hear Spencer on the other line, he didn't really sound mad though.
"Oh, okay, see you guys in a little." He then hung up and got off the bed trying to frantically get on his clothes, "Yeah they are actually waiting for me outside. I guess they didn't leave or the plane is late, who knows."
I then got back on my clothes too and we went downstairs. So this was it, wasn't it?
Brendon turns to me, "I'm gunna miss you, Ry. Until next time, okay?"
"Okay."
He quickly pecked me on the lips as he walked out the door. I walked out with him. I watched as he climbed into the car. Spencer waved at me, I waved back. The car then started as they slowly drove away.