When I Grow Up, I Want to Be Famous

It was like a picture, a perfect picture that only the most talented artist in the world could construct, with the distant pinks fading into most delectable blues over head. The rainbow of soft colours echoed over my own head and down until they hit the deep blue waters reflecting the magnificent sun – it was setting deep into the water. I could feel the night air starting to pick up against my bare arms and small goosebumps arose but the rays still kept me warm. The gorgeous sapphire sea lapped against the coast over and over again in a peaceful calming repletion, the waves licking at the golden turning brown sand that lay feet below. I was sat on the top of the cliff overlooking this dreamlike setting. I was on a picnic blanket and my fingers stroked and clumped the grass underneath. Everything was perfect.

Someone was lying next to me. I could feel their body heat radiating against mine, my hip millimetres from theirs. We were sat in this perfect scenery, in this perfect place, at the perfect time. With a sleepy sigh they awoke, the pitch was deep, grunting – male. With an intriguing groan, he sat up, snaking his arm around my waist in the process, pulling me against his chest. I snuggled against the fabric, loving the heat that beat against my face and the muscles I could feel underneath. I was so comfortable here. His fingers traced against my arms, twirling patterns up and down the inside of my arm. I shivered against him and pulled back to look up.

His face was thin and shaped but he had this fading boyish edge to his features. He had thick wild eyebrows but they were hidden by a sweep of short and layered brown hair. The fringe almost dipped to his eyes – his best feature. They were the exact shade of the sapphire sea but brighter, deeper. As his eyes locked with mine it was like I could see his soul, the blue sparkled with an air of excitement and happiness. His curved lips pulled backwards into a small, adoring smile that sent my heart racing. His gaze dropped briefly to my own lips and his eyes dazzled with a hint of desire. I didn’t have time to catch my breath when he pulled me to him – lips touching with a heat of craving. My life was so perfect.

Before I could to more, as my lisp moved against his, everything started to fade into blackness. I clung desperately to his thin t-shirt, my hand grasped at his arm, and I whimpered longing to hold onto him. Then it went - the sky, the sea, the sand, the boy. I fell into the blackness and with a deep sharp breath, I awoke in my mountains of pillows.

Panting, and almost whimpering, I clutched at my duvet to calm myself. My unfamiliar room was fading back into view. I desperately wanted to go back to my dream! The harsh blow of reality was hard and sickening. It was a dream, all a fucking dream…

The boy I wanted, the boy I craved hated my guts. Josh Franceschi wasn’t mine anymore. The only place I could see him was in my dreams. With a cry of anguish, I buried my face into the pillow and sobbed into the cream cover – the pain as brutal as it had been months ago. I wished myself back to sleep and to the beach and to my Josh.

***

I woke the next morning with a headache. A strong thumping headache that was evidently from lack of sleep – I’d had fuck all. With a grunt, I lifted myself out of my bed and dodged the still unpacked boxes of my stuff. We’d moved into the new house in St Albans almost a month ago but I just couldn’t find the will to unpack my stuff. My mother, the stern, to-the-point woman that guided me through life, had left me to my own accords. She rarely punished me and encouraged me to live my life but she wouldn’t stand for my moping and so she decided to move the family from Weybridge, Surrey. It had come as a bit of a surprise – but in my sore state, I’d agreed that it was a good idea. We’d lived there for as a long as I could remember but since the entire town seemed to turn against me, and in turn my family, we decided to move to St Albans. My mother had found a better college, one ‘better’ than Esher college at least, for me to attend. Well… it was ‘St Albans High School’ where I studies in the 6th form instead of going to a college. She was paying a lot for my education now, and I mean A LOT! I kind of liked it better, I felt more personal with the teachers and my grades were rocketing! My dad travelled for work so it didn’t affect him in the slightest nor did my mother who’d been promoted to a higher position here.

My mother had told me to remove everything of my past so she watched as I binned what seemed to be a million polaroid’s of my best friends and the memories we’d shared. I watched, haunted, as I threw away the faces of Chris Miller, Dan Flint, Matt Barnes, Max Helyer and Josh Franceschi. Together they were known to the world as ‘You Me At Six’ a fast rising home-grown pop punk band. They’d been the most important people in my life until a few months ago where they’d all turned against me, believing that I’d cheated on their lead singer – Josh. It was utter bollocks of course. Alex, my really old ex, had thought it a good idea to kiss me whilst very drunk at the last party I’d been to. Josh having walked in (of course) saw it and got the wrong impression. Taking what he’d seen and turning everyone I knew and loved against me with the hate fuelled lie.

My mother had decided to move us when I just stopped leaving my room. The entire town was talking about me behind my back, even my family!

I was pleased to be away from it all, but I still missed the ones that I still loved. I really missed my close female friends – Athina Andrelos, the hottest Greek heritage lead singer of a band I had ever seen, Emily Powell, a beautiful independent doctor-in-training, Georgina Conway, Chris Miller’s girlfriend and the prettiest blonde in existence, and Lucy Hughes, a welsh extremely redhead empowered teenager who was Dan’s closest female friend and affection of Max Helyer despite dating Ashley Finch, a personal friend of the band that had recently come out of hospital escaping a close call drug overdose.

I missed them all despite, only a few months ago, wanting to escape the town and the really fake, superficial people that kept backstabbing everyone.

I paused when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror opposite in the hall. I was practically a mess. My dyed blonde hair was unkempt, it desperately needed a cut and my brown roots were showing. My green eyes were dull, heavy blue circles emphasising my least favourite feature. I was pale. After the house party where it had all gone wrong, I’d really stopped looking after my appearance. I am the sort of girl that usually cares about her appearance, I can be shallow being into fashion, looks and at the best parties, but I did my best to treat people fairly, as I’d want to be treated. I seemed like a blonde slutty bitch right now – but no one knew my story.

I carried on down the stairs thinking about how no one had contacted me. How everyone had ignored my calls. How I’d left without so much as a word from anyone. It was really upsetting. I hoped Max, who I was closest to after Josh, read my hundreds of emails that I’d sent. The only person interested was Alex, who’d ruined my fucking life, but I ignored his texts. Frowning, I made my way into the kitchen, kicking doors open and grunting as I put the toast in the toaster.

“Dreams again?” Erin asked, my chirpy unique sister, who’s hair was now a normal colour of honey blonde (compared to her usual bright shades like purple or pink or blues). She grimaced awkwardly as I nodded.

“How can you tell?” I asked, sitting up on the work surface as I waited for my bread to warm.

“You look like you haven’t slept and you’ve got this sort of look on your face, like a child longing for a toy or something,” she said, putting down this week’s ‘Kerrang!’. I glared at the magazine.

“They’re not in it!” she quickly defended evidently picking up on my cautious scowl. I did my best to avoid things that the band was mentioned in. I had loved Kerrang! until the day where Josh had appeared alongside, Sean Smith of the Blackout, Aled Phillips of Kids in Glass Houses and Alex Davies of Elliot Minor in a main article about rising rock stars. Erin had bought it and left it hanging around open on a random page. When I flicked through, it was kind of surreal to see Josh smiling up at me, topless, in a pool, holding a bikini top and a glass of champagne. Stupidly I’d read on to find him keen to move onto other ladies, bigging himself up talking that ‘as long as girls are around there’s a party’, or something along those lines. I’d ripped up the pages. Since then, I had not dared touch any music magazine.

“I made sure of it,” she carried on, closing the magazine and picking up her coffee. “So what’s on the agenda today?”

I grunted in response.

“Oh come on Jase! It’s the fucking summer holidays! Enjoy it while you can believe me,” she muttered, glowering meaningfully at her coffee cup. “College is easier than Uni. I need you to enjoy this with me as you’ve moved me ages away!”

“I didn-”

“Alright, alright, you didn’t move us, whatever, but still, you need to stop moping over an ex! Get back out there,” she said, grinning like I was the stupid one.

I just shook my head, grabbing my toast, deciding to eat it plain, and left for the living room.

***

“Retail therapy is just the answer to everything,” Lacey said calmingly, closing her eyes with an air of relaxing. She linked her arm with mine we made our way down the high street. St Albans High School was an all girl school, so it was easy to make friends without being distracted by males, who I just didn’t even want to look at right now. Despite my moody state, I’d made friends quite easily having explained myself and the situation. They were the nicest group of girls I had ever ever met!

Lacey was the headstrong yet compassionate blonde with the longest damn legs in the world. Grace was the first person I’d made friends with, she was a sweet and petite half Italian with amazingly curious brown eyes. Mia, the tall brunette and Sophie, the small natural blonde, were best friends but despite seeming opposites. Alice was the most reclusive. She had evidently been named after Lewis Carol’s creation and she looked exactly how you imagine Alice to be. She was like me, quiet and there was obviously a constant back story to her troubles. She was the one I could relate to the most.

“Almost everything,” Alice muttered to me, smiling with meaning and we both silently laughed.

“I really need a new pair of shoes,” Mia announced, frowning in a nearby shop window as if scrutinizing whether it was good enough.

“Me too,” Sophie seconded, pulling us all towards the small boutique fashioned with pink feather bows and glitzy but affordable party dresses. It was quaint and over the top feminine but we did find some extremely wonderful buys in there.

“Jase,” Alice asked, pulling me aside as Sophie and Mia argued over the same pair of shoes. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” I lied, forcing a smile that made my cheeks hurt. “Just a really bad nights sleep.”

She looked at me sceptically with raised eyebrows but let it slide when Grace snatched she shoes off the fighting girls.

We settled into a nearby Starbucks with a collection of cooling Frappachinos soon after, laden with bursting at the seems. Lacey was right, it did feel good, I actually couldn’t wait to wear my new boots.

“I don’t mean to offend you Jase in any way, but you’re looking worse and worse and it’s starting to concern us. We understand if you don’t want to spill all, but please let us help where we can,” Mia said kindly, smiling and her eyes sparkling with excitement.

“What’d you mean?” I asked, dumping the remains of my vanilla frappachino in the bin. Sophie grabbed one elbow while Mia took the other. They led me to Grace’s mothers salon.

“Oh you’re kidding me,” I laughed when we stepped into the small but busy place. It was a cute salon, full of clients and beauticians, with sections for hair, make up and nails.

“It’s on us,” Grace whispered in my ear. “Mama said we could have a pamper session.”

I smiled gratefully at my new friends as I was steered into a seat in front of a mirror – I needed it badly.

Three hours later I was back to myself – visually that is. My hair was blonde all over again, my nails were painted a beautiful shade of violet and my make up hid any signs of tiredness. It was strangely refreshing and I couldn’t thank everyone enough.

Of course, my happiness couldn’t last, because I didn’t deserve it. When I got home that night with the girls, having decided to pay them back with a sleepover, laden with bags and smiling like I hadn’t in months. I came home to Erin standing in front of the TV - the screen on pause. It was the outside of a house. She was chewing her lip and jumped when I came into the room.

“Erin what are you doing?” I asked, dumping my bags by the sofa. Her eyes were shining with confusion and… guilt?

“I really need to stop watching Kerrang!” she said quietly and glanced at the TV as if trying to convey a message.

I got it.

“New video out?” I asked despite the lump in my closing throat. Erin nodded slowly, holding my gaze and looking awkward. Alice looked between the two of us with an expression of pure bewilderment.

“The intro caught my attention.”

“What song is it?” It had to be one we knew.

“Gossip.”

“Oh great,” I groaned. Of course they would pick that one. Josh had written the song about me and Alex at a house party before Josh and I got together. It seemed such a long time ago. I hated the song despite encouraging them to write something more ‘poppy’. The band must have used it as a bit in the slap in the face to me. “I want to watch it.”

“What?” Erin asked sharply. “Jase, I really don’t think that’s a good-”

“I want to watch it,” I repeated calmly, taking the remote from her and hitting ‘play’. Alice sat down on the sofa behind me.

The familiar “Wa-oh wa-ah-oh” started.

I didn’t recognise the house. It was one story with a pool in the back. I grimly agreed it appropriate to use a house party for the video. The guys were bouncing happily around the back garden with a full set of their instruments. There were a lot of people. A lot of girls. Then Josh sort of attacked the camera, grabbing it and steering itself on him.

“You've been looking at me like you've got something to say
You got flaws in your step, you're miles away from anything a-a-a-anyway.”

“And that’s Josh?” Alice asked cautiously.

“Yep,” I said bluntly as the images flashed past my eyes, triggering a million memories.

Some girl kissed his cheek inside the house and my fist clenched. This wasn’t a good idea. There were so many shots of girls in short tops, skirts and shorts.

“Lets get to the point, the words that fell off your lips, didn't mean anything; they didn't mean sh-i-i-it, to you or him.” It hurt a little see how happy Josh was as he lead the camera through the house but was it real or fake? Acting or was he genuinely singing the song spitefully? In spite of myself, I smiled when some guy liked his face.

“But tonight, but tonight.” My smile lit up further when Max took hold of the camera. “We will be alright; yes the champagne is on ice for you and I.” I smiled adoringly at Dan in the kitchen hitting the drums. I missed these boys!

“And oh right and oh right, oh we will be alright, because we've got it all, and all thats left inside. Let's just keep on talking.”

I didn’t recognise many of the girls. I couldn’t stop Athina, Emily, Georgina or Lucy. Ashley wasn’t anywhere to be seen, or Booley or Henri. I recognised odd person from college, or around the town, or a mate of a mate, or a house party, but none of my old friends were there. I almost laughed at Dan’s ‘I love Bobby’ shirt, noticing it for the first time. Bobby was the band’s manager.

Urgg. I hated the next verse. Even Josh’s face was dull and flat as he sung it.

“I smell your scent on my skin and the clothes that I wear, it’s a thought in my head and I can't shake it, of you and him. Sh-sh-sh-shake it.” I was about to really understand the hurt I had been putting Josh through until a load of girls started running their hands over him. My thoughts flew out of the window.

The half naked dancing girls vanished from view as my eyes unfocused with the hazy memory of sitting on a bedroom floor.

“I am at the party too, I am in the room next to you, with your back to the door and your ear to the floor, and you look desperate.” The line was exact context of events. I’d been lying on the floor, listening to Josh and Max’s conversation outside. Alex, who I’d been in the room with, said something too loudly. The guys had entered and found me spying. I ground my teeth.

“But tonight, but tonight, we will be alright; yes the champagne is on ice for you and I.”

And then I spotted Ashley and Henri! Shouting at the camera. It was quick but I recognised the faces. With a rush of this weird glee I laughed at the next shot of a naked guy clutching a paddling pool to his waist. Alice and Erin chuckled lightly behind me.

“And oh right and oh right, oh we will be alright, because we've got it all, and all that’s left inside.” And then I saw Athina! She was at a table, playing poker. It was weirdly nice to see old faces. “Let's just keep on talking.”

“Don't let me down, and don't let me down.
And don't let me down, and don't let me down.
And don't let me down.” I watched as the crowd chanted with the band, their hands raised and I saw a few more familiar faces including Emily whose hair was now a light brown from her previous black. I smiled grimly when a girl started taking her top off. The band were nothing like this at all.

“But tonight, but tonight, we will be alright; yes the champagne is on ice for you and I.
And oh right and oh right, oh we will be alright, because we've got it all, and all that’s left inside. Let's just keep on talking. Wa-oh wa-ah-oh-ah-oh wa-oh wa-ah-oh.”

I stared at the screen blankly as the next song, Kids In Glass Houses’s ‘Give Me What I Want’, came onto the screen. I could feel everyone’s eyes on my back, waiting for my reaction with baited breath.

I made a small ‘huh’ noise, turned around, grabbed my bags and headed upstairs. Even I was expecting a worse reaction from myself. Maybe I was growing up.

***

“Come on then,” Lacey said loudly, her mouth full of Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough. “Spill.”

I shot her a questioning look, pausing from licking my spoon full of ice cream. Mia and Sophie exchanged a long look and Alice rolled her eyes, wrapping her arms around her legs concealed under my duvet.

“About what?” I asked cautiously, unintentionally narrowing my eyes at her.

“Your back story,” she said casually, taking another spoonful. “Whatever happened with this band or your friends or whatever.”

Grace nudged her hard in the side and she almost dropped her spoon.

“What?” she demanded, catching the ice cream end in her hand. “Oh she’s going to tell us sometime or another.”

“Ignore her-” Alice started but I cut across her.

“I don’t mind,” I said, almost laughing. “I’m starting to lose hope on the whole thing. So why not explain why I’ve been a misery guts?”

They all watched me expectantly. I felt kind of awed by how badly they wanted to know what happened. I put my spoon down on a box next to my bed and stared at my duvet cover for a moment. I wasn’t sure where to begin.

“I’ll start from the beginning, kind of. Okay, well, I used to live in Weybridge in Surrey near my best friends Josh Franceschi, Max Helyer, Katie Jones and Joe Phillips who I knew through school. One day Josh announced that he, Max and Joe were planning on putting a band together. Soon enough they recruited a bassist, Matt Barnes, and a guitarist Chris Miller to create the band ‘You Me At Six’. Unfortunately they lacked inspiration-”

“I thought you said before that Dan Flint was their drummer?” Lacey interjected rudely.

“Yeah, he is now, this was their first drummer. Anyway, I met this boy called Alex, who was really interested in me. After a kiss at a house party we sort of got together but Josh saw us and got really upset about it all. So upset he decided to ignore me for weeks and shut himself away writing some songs.”

I grimaced, thinking about their first EP. I had brought the copy Max had given me with me but my mother had made me throw it away.

“He played me the songs and we both made up.”

“He played you some songs and you made up?” Sophie repeated, her brow furrowing as she stared at me dumbstruck. I ran the sentence over in my head again.

“Yeah, well, there was this one song that basically said ‘I want to still be your friend even if you love him’-”

“Awww!” Grace cried and Lola nudged her this time.

“It’s called ‘Noises’ and one of my favourites of theirs actually. I’ll show you later, I think it’s on their MySpace. The rest of the songs weren’t as pleasant but still. Anyway! We were all good friends again until Josh started seeing this girl called Nia who is fakest bitch on the planet. He sort of ditched me for her and all her friends so I threw a fit about it. We became enemies again until he realised how upset I was. His bitch of a girlfriend and her mates beat the shit into me at a party but it was the same night he wrote that song abo-”

“Which song?” Mia asked, her expression totally lost. It was a lot to take in.

“The one we saw earlier? Their new music video at the party? It’s called ‘Gossip’. The second verse is what I was doing to try and hear what Josh was saying about me. He’d seen me go upstairs with Alex and was praying that nothing was going to happen between the two of us, which it didn’t. ”

“Right,” Sophie said slowly, trying to work it all out. “I think I’ve got it. Josh was with this Nia girl, yes?”

“Yep, but he still didn’t want me to be with Alex. But he did start to realise it wasn’t the life he wanted. Inspired, he wrote an acoustic song which my friend Max gave to me – ‘The Liar and the Lighter’. We made up again at our friend’s barbeque and he dumped Nia’s sorry ass. But while all this had been going on, I’d lost touch with my best female friend Katie, which I really regret. She’d gotten close to Nia, who in spite of being dumped, used her to get revenge on Josh and I. Katie spread this rumour around that Josh and I were fucking. It was bollocks of course but everyone, even my boyfriend at the time Alex.”

Grace took a sharp intake of breath and stared at me in horror.

“Did he-”

“Punch Josh in the face? Yeah. I broke up with him because he wouldn’t believe me and was totally convinced of it. But the rumour triggered inspiration in the band and they wrote ‘The Rumour’ because of it. They got more and more publicity by getting their first magazine article, playing sell out shows, and getting on the bill of ‘Slam Dunk’.”

“Oh my god, I’ve been! It’s- Oh my god! I’ve seen them!” Alice suddenly shouted. Her eyes were glazed over and she held her finger up. “Fuck yeah! I’ve seen them, they were under Paramore right?”

“Yeah,” I replied, laughing at her focused expression.

“They’re not bad to be fair,” she reasoned. Mia shot her a ‘shut-the-hell-up’ look. She mouthed ‘sorry’ to me and I carried on.

“Well you asked about Dan and that’s how he replaced Joe. Joe wasn’t putting any real input to the band and his attitude at Slam Dunk proved that so they kicked him out. They found Dan soon after. Anyhow, I started to realised I was in love with Josh but before I could do anything he found a new love interest in the form of Tash Knowles. They got it together but this time I took a mature approach and didn’t ignore them, but she didn’t half rub it in my face! I could see right through her, she was so fake and a fucking slag. One night she got off with one of the guy’s friend ‘Jonzey’ but Josh wouldn’t believe me when I told him. She finally did tell him and he got really pissed off. I went to check he was okay and he sort of… kissed me.”

I paused there and flushed at the memory. It had gone a lot further than just a kiss. My stomach twisted longingly as I remembered his lips on my neck, his hands on my hips…

“Kissed?” Lacey asked with a tone thick of meaning. I looked at her, my lack of response and glowing pink cheeks was as good as a confession. “Oh my god! You got in there alright then!”

She started laughing which was infectious enough for all of us to join in. I grabbed the ice cream and started eating it again to cool myself down.

“You got together then?” Alice asked quietly when Lacey had finally calmed down.

“Yes,” I said, smiling as I swallowed the cookie dough. I decided not to go through the whole process of filming their first video, Save It For The Bedroom, which had been a blast. I also thought to pass over the Terri incident where she’d tried to get on Josh and I’d walked on them kissing, but he told me it wasn’t true. That struck a nerve. I had believe him, why didn’t he believe me about Alex? I tried to trace over what had happened. I didn’t mention the house party where the band and friends had got in a huge fight when some druggie had tried assaulting me. That had been a bad night with lots of bruises and blood. I also decided not to mention the night where Ashley had over dosed on cocaine, inspiring ‘All Your Fault’, and when everyone fell out with me for knowing that Dan’s girlfriend had cheated on him. We’d patched things up even if they weren’t the same.

“Things were a bit rocky for a bit,” I decided to say. “Friends and issues got in the way and we started to get a bit edgy in our relationship. I was getting jealous of girls and he was getting jealous of my male attention, especially when Alex came back into my life. I thought his intentions were innocent but he kissed me and Josh saw causing him to break up with me.” I kept it short and simple and to the point.

Alice squeezed me arm.

Then I took a deep breath, relieving what had been the worst part.

“Josh started spreading around that I’d gotten off with Alex, that I was a whore, an easy drunk slut who never loved him. Everyone I knew turned against me, all my friends suddenly took his side because no one gave me the chance to explain. I was completely alone.” I took another breath but it was shaky this time. I could feel the tears closing the back of my throat. “I went around his and tried to convince him that I hadn’t cheated on him but he wouldn’t have any of it. I told him I wouldn’t speak to Alex ever again but he still wouldn’t listen to me.” Alice wrapped her arm around my shoulder and pulled me in a sign of support. It took every piece of me not to cry again. “So my mother moved us here. She decided to give me a better education and a fresh start because there was no future for any of us back in Surrey. She doesn’t realise that I miss everyone. I miss Josh.” I said his name in a whimper, my hands were shaking and my breathing was ragged. Alice pulled me into a hug but I didn’t cry. I refused to cry.

There was silence for a while as everyone processed my story.

“Thank you,” Grace finally said as I began quietly digging into the remains of the ice cream.

“For what?”

“For explaining.” She smiled at me and her eyes were glazed over with tears. I was completely and utterly touched by the comfort in my new found friends.

***

“You’re happier today,” Erin commented as I bounced into the kitchen. The girls had just left and I’d just taken a refreshing shower.

“Yep,” I replied as I actually smiled to myself. I dwelled on my elated mood as a waited for the kettle to boil. I hadn’t been able to talk about things to anyone since it had all happened. The release of all my built up negative emotions on people that actually cared felt so, so good! It was like almost everything bad had drained out of me. I made my tea and went to join Erin in the living room as I explained my theory on sharing.

The holidays stretched on and Erin had been right – enjoy it while I could. I did my best to go out with my new friends as much as possible. They were the right balance of what I needed. They cared, were insanely sweet but still wanted to go out and enjoy teenage life. This meant parties, beach trips and spending nights out just wandering together. I couldn’t thank these girls enough for saving me.

Just as I was becoming completely comfortable in my new life, just as all the worries from the past started to slip and fade away like they did in my dreams, I got a text.

It was from Max Helyer.

‘Jase, I need to speak to you asap x’

I deliberated over the text for a long time, unsure how to reply. If I talked to Max it would bring back a flood of bad emotions and issues from my Weybridge life. But I did miss them. After a six hour internal battle I replied asking what was wrong.

‘Can I meet you tomorrow? X’

I tried to explain my situation – the fact that I was now in St Albans.

‘I know, I got your mails, I’ll get the train up, please it’s urgent! X’

Utterly confused as to what was wrong, I replied with my ‘Okay x’ and crawled into bed my mind buzzing with a million different thoughts. It was strange. Hearing from Max sent a bizarre hum of pleasure through me, like this small glimpse of old familiar happiness, my heart lifted ever so slightly but it also reminded me of what went wrong and that hurt like hell. Contrastingly, my gut squirmed with unease at the prospect of seeing Max again. Was he going to shout? Bring others?

With a frustrated sigh, I collapsed into my layers of comfy surroundings, my head too alive to get to sleep.

***

I met Max the next day in the town centre. Erin and my parents were in work – none of them would think it a good idea to see Max.

I waited on the agreed spot, just outside the train station, with an uneven and erratic pulse. I kept playing with the rings on my fingers that kept sliding down my sweaty hands. With a sharp jolt of surprise at the familiar face – I suddenly felt comforted. Like his friendly, smiling, face erased anything negative in or around me. Max was smiling at me! Like Josh in my dreams, his boyish features were fading and he had thinned out. Of course, being Max, he still had his cheeky air about him – mainly in his glinting eyes and mischievous smile. His hair was a short light brown sticking upwards, much different to his lighter long style I’d known him in. Was it possible for him to change that much in… four months?! I stared at him, completely stunned as he made his way over to me.

Without a word he pulled me into a carefree hug – completely Max’s attitude. I hugged him back, relaxing into it and squeezing so hard. This was my old life. Max was a solid symbol of everything that I’d missed.

“What’s wrong?” I asked quickly. It had been playing on my mind all night long and I couldn’t take another moment.

Max burst out laughing.

“Hello Max, nice to see you!”

“Hi,” I said rather abashed. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he laughed as he swung his bag off his shoulders and began searching through it. “I’ve got something to show you.”

From his bag he extracted a CD case, it was blank and there wasn’t anything written or printed on the CD.

“Is that-” I began but couldn’t finish. Max nodded awkwardly and I swallowed hard. It was the band’s new album.

“It’s not the final thing, I copied some songs from Josh’s computer onto this CD but it’s all about to be put onto the album,” he explained as I stared at the compact disk. “You really need to listen to it.”