When I Grow Up, I Want to Be Famous

Normally, when someone catches you looking at them, you look away. I couldn’t move. I was so desperate to see his reaction. He just stared at me in complete shock as if couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He even blinked a few times. My annoyance vanished and I forced a small smile. He finally composed himself and returned the small smile.

Deciding this was enough for now, I excused myself from Max and went to speak to Nathan and Elliot. The Prodigy were on and even from where we were towards the back, I could feel the bass. Lacey and everyone had finally drunk enough to be in a jolly mood about the whole situation and had completely mingled with those they’d met before. Arctic Monkeys were headlining but my whole excitement had vanished. I wasn’t even completely sure what was going on around me. I sipped on my wine whilst the world passed in a blur.

“You changed your hair.”

Finally, the only voice I wanted to hear made an appearance. He was right. I was changing my colour. It was more of a golden colour now instead of a platinum blonde. I smiled, still staring at the stage.

“I’m thinking about going brunette,” I said but he seemed to take this as a swipe. I instantly regretted it and looked up at him. He sighed and looked at the stage.

“Sorry,” I said, he just nodded. “I am. I didn’t mean anythi- I really am thinking about going darker, like when I was younger?”

“It suited you,” he said curtly.

We stood in silence for a moment. This isn’t how I wanted it to go. For the first time in my life I had no idea what to say to the boy.

“Do you want a drink?” he asked me, glancing down at my almost empty cup. I stared at it like a moron as relief swept over me and then I answered a bit too quickly.

“Yes.”

The corners of his mouth twitched and he jerked his head behind us, inviting me to follow him. He was making all the effort here. What was wrong with me? I didn’t want to seem heartless and cruel.

“I saw your set earlier,” I said quickly as he ordered a beer and another white wine for me. He didn’t respond as he handed over the money to the bartender but I saw his jaw clench briefly. “You were really good.” I took my drink. “Thanks. As usual mind.”

“You deliberately came over to see us or...?”

“Deliberately,” I seconded and actually smiled. “It was insane in the crowd. The adore you.”

He smiled a little now too.

“It was an alright set,” he shrugged, looking down at his drink. I rolled my eyes and began to relax.

“Only you would say that. The perfectionist.”

“I thought I was drama queen?” he asked and I could actually hear the old teasing in his tone. It made me grin.

“Same thing, I was trying to be nicer about it but if you’re name picking...” I trailed off with a laugh as he beamed back at me. We stared at each other and that old familiar feeling of our youth sparked.

Then she appeared. She came over, slipped her arm around his waist and held her glass up.

“Josh, you’re missing half the set,” he said a slight whine that sent a shiver down my spine. She was pretty no doubt but she wore too much make up and her lashes looked like spiders. She turned and looked at me and I could sense the warning she was sending me.

“Sorry, I didn’t realise I was interrupting,” I muttered and turned away quickly.

I could hear her asking for another drink and I almost stopped in my tracks. Had that been me? Was that what I looked like to everyone? Something that hung onto his arms, using their position? No I’d actually loved Josh or what I thought was love at least... Josh had bought so many of my drinks without question and I hadn’t thought about it at the time but seeing the girl. The brunette all over him, enjoying herself much more than him, had that been... me? And I just hadn’t seen it? I looked guiltily down at my cup that Josh had just bought and almost threw it away but I stopped myself, it wasn’t him I was angry at. It was myself.

“You alright Jase?” Alice asked. Harry was next to her, watching the stage and ignoring me completely. Urg, that was something I was seriously going to have to fix when I got home.

“Sort of. Just had a self revelation,” I said, still staring at my drink. “I’ve been an arse. I really big sucky arse.”

Alice frowned at me but I ignored her and looked over my shoulder at the ‘happy couple’. The brunette was talking in his ear as she clung to him. He was staring at me. I looked away quickly this time.

Reading was turning out to be worse than I’d anticipated. Why had I agreed to meet up with everyone?

I tried to take my head out of my own arse and pulled Harry towards the back where we could speak properly. There was one thing I was going to sort now instead of prolonging this awful silence.

“Harry, we really need to talk.”

“Yeah I know,” he agreed with a sigh, closing his eyes and running his fingers over his temples into his hair. I was surprised by his downbeat response and tried to think of the right things to say. He beat me there first. “I’m sorry.”

“What? What for?!” I demanded in shock.

“For trying to kiss you the other night, it was a stupid idea, I was fucking myself u-”

“No, no, I shouldn’t have kissed you back. I wanted it as much as you in that moment, we just... I think we work better as friends?”

He nodded slowly, chewing the inside of his lip like I often did.

“I really don’t want to let go of my best friend, can we just... forget it ever happened?” I asked quietly. Sure. I had some feelings for Harry but they could never completely override our friendship.

He nodded again, forcing a smile and we automatically fell into the perfect hug. I squeezed him tight as he did the same. We stayed there for a moment, swaying ever so slightly until I felt the heels of my feet return to the muddy ground.

“Jase... just be careful?” he said quietly, indicating over my shoulder with a sorrowful nod. “I don’t want to see you hurt again.”

“What? I’m not- I don’t want him.”

Or was I lying to myself?

“He has a girlfriend,” I said the last word like it was dirty and my eyes dropped to the mud in what felt like defeat. The word rang in my head over and over. I felt heavy and I had a sickening taste in my mouth.

“He’d drop her in a second for you,” he said, rubbing the side of my arm and I hugged him again.

We returned to our small party which seemed to have merged together with the band and their friends. Except for Dan and Matt. They seemed to have disappeared completely. This was weird. These guys were normally inseparable. Even now, the three boys remaining were stood apart from one another, even some of the crew were distancing themselves... What had I missed?

And what was worse was I wasn’t sure if I could ask. I felt too out of place.

I found Max, feeling the most comfortable around him as he radiated positivity. I stepped back with him, Elliot and Harry for a catch up and a smoke.

The guys had done a lot in the past few months. They’d been on BBC Radio to a Live Lounge session, covering Gaga’s ‘Poker Face’. They’d gone on the Warped Tour in America which was a pretty big deal apparently.

“It was pretty shitty at times though,” Max said, uttering his first negativity. Nathan and Elliot avoided my gaze, staring at the mud.

“What? Why?” I asked confused, sensing something was definitely up. Something pretty bad had gone down over the past few months but I just couldn’t pry too deep.

“Well...” Max said, examining his cigarette, choosing his words carefully. “No one knew us out there did they? We weren’t on a stage like we were today. There were a few kids singing along I guess.”

“It’s the first time you’ve toured out there though?” I argued, as if something like this could really get them this down. Surely the would have rationally thought about this?

“It was more about the mood of the place more than anything,” Elliot muttered, casting a dark look over my shoulder. Max shot him a warning glance.

“Okay, will someone please explain?”

“Someone missed you to the extent where we all wanted to kill him,” Nathan said bluntly, ignoring Max’s glares.

Oh.

“Everything just got on top of him,” Max tried to reassure me. “The worst one we did was on his birthday.”

“Ouch,” was all I could say. Josh... wasn’t over me then. This improved my mood much more than it should. Shouldn’t I be over him? Was I? Was that something I really wanted to address.

“Yeah, it was a rough tour,” Max concluded. “It’s so nice to be back on home ground.”

“Urrr you’re not talking about Warped are you?” Josh’s voice jolted me and I turned around more quickly that I’d liked.

“Yeah Max was just filling me in.”

He glanced down at the cigarette in my hand.

“Still smoking?” he asked, his mouth twisting awkwardly and his nose wrinkling slightly.

“Yeah,” I responded and for the first time I felt guilty. Subconsciously I flicked it to the ground. We stared at each other for a moment, assessing the other. “Where’s the little brunette?”

“She’s meeting your friends actually,” he said, slightly squinting at me as if trying to work me out, his hands buried deep in his pockets. His words forced me to break his gaze as he continued to assess me. I glanced over his shoulder at the girl with Alice, Harry, Mia, Georgina, Chris and Lucy. Great. I didn’t want this girl in my life. I could see my St Albans lot with fake smiles on and Harry was actually frowning at the girl.

I blinked and smoothed my face out, hoping I hadn’t been frowning either.

“Well... she seems lovely. What’s her name?” I wasn’t even bothering to keep the distain out of my voice. Josh’s mouth twitched again.

“Rebecca Cole.”

I nodded slowly, looking back over at her. I had this bizarre urge to hit her.

“How’s Harry? I haven’t had the pleasure of catching up with him yet?” Josh asked dryly. My eyes flashed dangerously as my cheeks burned. I sighed collaboratively with those around me. I shook my head, pinching the bridge between my nose and trying to calm my emotions so I didn’t end up yelling.

“Whatever,” I muttered, turning away and mixing back with my own group. The night seemed to stretch and I did my best to enjoy it. I basically drank until the night blacked out.

I woke up the next day next to a topless Harry and a muddy Emily. Our groups had sort of merged over night. I rolled out of the tent wanting nothing more than to puke my innards up. Everywhere smelt of smoke and alcohol and weed. My nose wrinkled and I buried my head between my legs trying to breathe through my mouth.

It took us over an hour to pack up our stuff and we were so weak we just stuffed anything and everything into bags.

Unable to take it anymore I ran towards a fence and vomited in front of it, my fingers clinging onto the chainlink to hold myself up.

Someone started patting my back, their shadow blocking the sun blasting on my head.

“Rough night then?”

Oh God. It had to be didn’t it?

“Go away,” I moaned, wanting to bury myself into the mud even more. I tucked my hair behind my ears.

“Come on,” Josh mumbled and handed me a bottle of water. He didn’t sound exactly healthy himself. I took it and sipped carefully but it didn’t help and I started throwing up again right there.

“Go away,” I groaned again, pushing him away but my pathetic attempts didn’t even budge him. “I don’t want you to see me like this.”

“I’ve seen you like this before,” he said gently with a hint of humour in his voice, like he was holding back a laugh. I ran a hand through my hair again, holding it over the back of my neck to avoid getting vomit in it. Seeing what I was trying to do, he held it for me as I retched again but nothing came out. I downed half the bottle and wiped my mouth with a shaking hand. My mouth tasted foul and I could still smell everything horrible.

“Thanks,” I muttered, pushing myself up and rubbing my forehead.

“You look like shit,” he laughed. I glared at him. I probably did. I hadn’t showered, I’d just rolled out of bed and I’d just thrown up. He didn’t look too healthy either. His hair was sticking up in weird directions and I don’t think it had anything to do with gel, his eyes were sunken and his stubble was growing through... which actually didn’t look too bad. I found myself staring.

“So do you,” I lied and drank the rest of the bottle. I groaned. “Oh God.”

“Heading back?” he asked, nodding towards my waiting party. Alice was throwing up where we’d camped. Harry was tactfully trying not to watch us.

“Yeah, we’re catching the train,” I answered. “You’re tour bus-ing back I presume?” I felt a shade of jealously of the air conditioned cosy tour bus.

“Yeah, we just came to collect some of our party and say good bye,” he answered, squinting in the sunlight and smiling a little. We stood in silence for the moment.

“Bye then,” I said quietly, chewing on my dry lip.

“Yeah,” he replied simply, kicking a patch of grass between us. “I’ll see you around I guess.”

“I guess,” I replied and tried to hide my pout. His face was torn, like he was arguing with himself, his body twitched towards me but then turned back and he walked away. I watched him head off with his waiting friends. Emily flashed me a wave before following.

I stood alone with my empty water bottle, watching them disappear into the masses.

***

It was official. My mind was well and truly fucked up. I wished I hadn’t gone to Reading. I wished I’d stayed at home with mother and done sod all that weekend. Then I may be able to function properly. I was sleeping less than when we’d first broken up. Josh Franceschi was a tenant in my head and he wasn’t leaving any time soon.

I must have blocked everything out when I’d left and forced myself to get on. This... this was a whole different game. I felt like a toddler and someone else was playing with my toys.

I found myself agreeing to visit Emily more in the last week or two of Summer more than I had the entire holidays. I felt bad about it because everyone was leaving for Uni soon but I couldn’t stop the pull towards Surrey.

Emily had other plans for my visits. We barely left her house when I came down a week and a half after Reading. She had a girls night planned.

“Isn’t anyone going out?” I asked trying to sound innocent, glancing over her shoulder at her open window. The sky was lined with thick clouds that looked like they were about to piss it down any second. The silence tore my eyes away from the window. Emily was trying to stifle a smile at me.

“What?” I asked.

She raised an eyebrow at me, breaking the dried facemask on her face.

“What?” I asked again, my voice dropping a tone as my shoulders huffed down. “What?!”

“They’re not here,” she finally answered before finishing off the wine in her glass. “They’ve gone to Reading to record the new record.”

My eyebrows shot up in surprise and my head ducked forwards.

“Yeah, they’re renting up there for a few weeks whilst they record,” she said matter-of-factly, looking at her wine glass which she twisted over and over. She finally looked up at me with a grin on her face.

“Ohh,” was all I could say. “They’ve got stuff for a new album already?!”

Now her face fell.

“Oh yeah,” I muttered. Of course he’d had plenty of inspiration. I groaned, leaning forwards into my knees and rubbing my head. “Is it bad?”

“I don’t really know, I mean you’ve heard ‘Finders Keepers’ and ‘Kiss and Tell’ right? And they were only off album stuff...” she said in a sympathetic voice as if she was trying to make what she was saying better. It wasn’t. I let out a howl like groan again and threw my head back until it hit a pillow. “But the real question is why do you care so much?”

I stared up at the ceiling unresponsive.

“You could just ignore them. You could never listen to the album,” she offered and I could hear her prying for the right answer.

I sat up.

“Because since I saw them at Reading I can’t get them out of my head and I miss them,” I said in a dull voice that lit up her face. “Okay?”

She nodded.

“You want to get back together with him?”

“Woah! No, no, no, no! I mean... we don’t work... he’s always travelling an-”

“So?!” she demanded suddenly becoming very serious. “He doesn’t get to have a girlfriend because he travels for his job?!”

“He has a girlfriend,” I said flatly and so quickly she’d barely got her sentence out. She turned to stone.

“They’re not- they’re not exactly- oh I don’t know what they are,” she said in a tired voice, sinking down into a pillow behind her.

I tried to keep a poker face but I was failing badly.

“I thought you didn’t like me and him together,” I said coolly, entwining my fingers in the blanket, focusing on the swirly pattern. I looked up when she didn’t reply. Her face was twisted and her eyes raked over me like she was assessing me.

“You’ve both changed. You’ve both grown up over the past few months, I can see that in both of you. You are nothing like you were a few months back, no offence but you used to be a bit bratty.”

I let this wash over me and accepted it.

“I guess the private school didn’t help my ego did it? Stupid little rich girl,” I muttered.

“But you’re so much more level headed. Look how you’re handing this? You’re not throwing a fit to get your own way, we’re sitting here having a mature conversation about it,” she said calmly with a small smile but it faded quickly. “I don’t think you really understood your own relationship last time. You two have been friends so long I think you changed to loved up teens too quickly that you forgot the rest of the world. It didn’t work because it was so different to how you had been. You were such good friends,” she said with a small sigh and my lip quivered a little.

“Neither of you went into this relationship with a clear head of how it was going to be. Josh was going to travel. You wouldn’t be able to see him all the time. You need to trust each other,” she said solidly. “You’ve both been jealous of the rest of the world for far too long. Have either of you actually cheated? No. It was all in your heads and maturity is something you need for this.”

I stared at her as she grew more intense about this. Emily cared. Emily really cared about both of us.

“You have absolutely no idea how much he loved you Jase,” she muttered and then corrects herself. “Loves you.”

“He’s got a girlfriend,” I said again weakly like that was my only excuse.

Emily shook her head.

“I’m going to take you to see them,” she finally decided.

***

“Who do you think you are?!” I screamed, pulling at the roots of my hair and spinning around.

He glowered at me, looking deadly in the evening gloom.

“When did you become so high and mighty?”

“A little after you did,” he muttered, crossing the grass.

I stared at him in shock. I wanted nothing more than to punch him really, really hard in that stupid face of his. Anger surged inside of me but I didn’t know how to vent it. Air shot out of my in a huff and I cursed into the sky.

“Fuck it, I was wrong to come up here,” I spat. “Obviously our friendship from the past ten years means fuck all to you.”

He winced slightly and his face softened ever so slightly but he didn’t reply.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” I said, my throat clenching and I took a breath to steady my voice. I pushed past him but he caught my arm, spinning me around. “Get off.”

He stared at me with his mouth open, like he couldn’t get his words out.

“Get off,” I repeated, my blood boiling.

“You have no idea what you’ve done to me,” he finally said. “You can’t just show up here expecting to be best friends again after everything that’s happened, after everything you’ve done, I’ve done...”

I wanted to shout a hundred foul things at him but I held my tongue, glowering at him.

“You left me in the dark Jase, you abandoned me when you were the one person I could really count on,” he said, softer now, his face twisting in agony. My breathing calmed and I looked down. I stared intently at the zip of his hoody. “And I tried to fix it. I called and called and called but you cut me off completely. How am I meant to feel?”

My throat clenched but I refused to cry.

He was right. He was completely right.

“You read a bunch of crap on the internet and believed it over me,” he said, his voice quavering himself. I still didn’t look up at him.

I made a small noise and had to clear my throat. “Harry,” was all I could get out.

“I never thought you’d actually cheated on me,” he said his voice rising slightly. “But you’re absolutely stunning Jase, he obviously liked you, and you were all the way off in St Albans. How was I supposed to behave towards him? You were everything to me Jase. You have been since we were kids. You moved, things changed and you took the easy route out without thinking about anyone but yourself.”

Fuck. What a bitch.

What I’d done hit me like a ton of bricks as he talked it over with me. I thought I was doing it for him but it was selfish freedom I thought I wanted. I took in a sharp and painful breath. I choked it back out.

“But that wasn’t you. That’s not the girl I knew. I wasn’t the one who had changed,” he said quietly and that made me look up. A small part of me wanted to protest but he was right, he was so right. Who was I?

My eyes filled up instantly and I let out a broken sob. His arms were around me before I could breathe again. I sobbed into his t-shirt, burying my face, completely ashamed of who I was and what I’d done to my best friend.

I choked out “sorry” over and over and over again and he just held onto me. I tried to push him away because I didn’t deserve his support. He should leave me to fall into the dirt where I belonged. He just pulled me tighter. I was a mess and snotty and so unbelievably sorry. He shirt was soaked through.

“Come on Jase,” he whispered into the top of my head.

Yes. Come on Jase.

I gave a final shove and pushed myself away. I wiped my face the best I could I took several steps backwards. I shook my head.

“Sorry,” I whispered again, turned and left the garden. He didn’t come after me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

***

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” I said, my voice stuffy and thick. I coughed and sniffed into my tissue.

Emily kept glancing at me nervously. We sat in silence the rest of the way home.

***

I’d never felt so heavy....

What had I done?

***

“Jase?”

“Mmmm,” I grunted in response, rubbing my face into the pillowcase, stretching my arms before collapsing into the bedding again.

“Uhhh... there’s people here to see you.”

My brain wasn’t functioning properly. I just grunted into the pillow again. I’d gotten about two hours sleep.

“Jasey!”

“What?!” I finally croaked, lifting my head and opening my eyes. Emily was giving me a meaningful look.

“They came down.”

I blinked a few times, trying to work out what she was talking about and when it clicked I shoved myself up.

“What?!”

“Yeah, Josh and Max are sat downstairs.”

“Fuck.” I launched myself off the bed, my head spinning from the movement and lack of sleep. I staggered, falling into the wall, but stood myself up right. I didn’t care that I looked a mess, I ran out of her bedroom and down the stairs, almost tripping over my feet.

I caught myself on the edge of the banister and there they were. The hammering pulse in my neck and the throbbing in my head told me this was not a dream.

They’d come to see me.

Max was smiling at me whilst Josh looked concerned.

“What are you doing here?” I asked when I could hear over the pounding in my head. “You’re, you’re recording...”

They exchanged a long glance.

“Dan’s tracking drums,” Max explained slowly. I hadn’t had the chance to see him last night. I’d gotten talking with Josh first which had led to our explosive argument. “We can get away for a day.”

Josh was staring at me and I suddenly became very self conscious. I tugged on my night shirt and tried to untangle the hair from my face.

“I wanted to check you were okay after last night,” he said eventually.

“I’m fine,” I lied, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

“Coffee anyone?” Emily asked, making her way past me on the stairs, zipping a hoody up.

“Tea would be great,” Max replied to her, grinning at her arrival and following her into the kitchen.

Josh and I stared at each other for a long time before he gestured for me to go ahead of him. I jumped down the final step and nodded courteously. We followed Em and Max into her kitchen who were making themselves busy around the work tops, obviously trying to give us some privacy.

“I didn’t get the chance to say I was sorry too last night,” he said after we’d taken seats opposite each other at her dining table by the window. It felt like a life time ago I’d danced on this table and Josh and I had a brutal public argument. He obviously remembered this and shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

“You don’t need to,” I said. “Yet again it was my stupid fault. And I really am sorry. I thought I was doing it for the best, I obviously didn’t think it through that well,” I muttered in apology.

“I forgive you,” he said calmly, a small smile appearing at his features. I couldn’t return it. I still felt like shit.

“You always forgive me, even when I don’t deserve shit,” I said, resting my head in my hands. I rubbed on my sleepy eyes.

“Yeah well... you’re human... and my best friend.”

He was smiling more now which I had to return. I let out a weak laugh and hit both my palms against my forehead.

“We can’t throw away our childhood,” he whispered, lowing my hands from my face. “I’m not bitter towards you Jase and I hope you aren’t towards me. I miss you. I’m not asking you to see me all the time, but... I don’t want to lose contact with you and given you’re reaction this morning, I’m feeling you don’t want to do the same.”

I nodded, my eyes welling again. Emily and Max came at the right moment and Josh’s hands jumped away from my arm as if we’d been caught doing something. I rubbed my face again to clear my eyes and took my coffee gratefully.

***

“Do you guys want to come up and visit for a few days?” Max asked. “We’ve got plenty of room. A few people are coming to visit whilst we record so we don’t go out of our minds.”

“Yeah sure,” Emily replied before I could.

“Uhh, yeah,” I said, trying to read Josh’s blank expression. Did he want me there? Of course he did, he just called me his best friend. “I need to let my rents know but it should be okay.”

“Awesome, we’ll see you on the weekend then?”

“Look forward to it,” I replied, hugging Max goodbye. I turned to Josh and he held it a bit longer than I expected. Emily waved and then shut the door as they disappeared down her garden.

“He wants you,” she said in a darker serious tone, turning away.

“He told me this morning he wants us to be friends,” I replied doubtfully.

“Then he’s kidding himself,” she called over her shoulder as she vanished up the stairs.