When I Grow Up, I Want to Be Famous

“Coward,” I muttered, turning the case over and over in my hands.

“It’s very clever,” Erin seethed, folding her arms and glaring at the piece of plastic in my hands. “He goes away for two months so you can’t smack him in his God dam bastard face and you’ll learn to get over it by the time he gets back, and there’s no way you’re NOT going to listen to it in those two months because it’ll bug the crap out of you!”

I looked up from my hands and stared at her in disbelief.

“Great, thanks for that analysis.”

We stood in silence for a few minutes just staring at it.

I wasn’t sure how I felt. I was pissed off and shocked and hurt and curious all at the same time. It was like a huge stone had settled in my stomach, and Erin was right, I knew it wasn’t going to go away until I listened to it.

She was watching my expectantly. I didn’t particularly want to listen to it with her but then... would I be able to take it on my own? I groaned, crossed the room to shut my door and opened the case to pull out the note Josh had left on the inside. I stared wordlessly at his scribble for a moment. His voice rang around in my head and I smoothed my fingers over it, and then cautiously flipped it over. It was blank. No explanation. Just... ‘I’m sorry x’.

The CD was basic and had what looked like Max’s writing on it in this black marker.

‘Hold Me Down JF unfinished copy’

Hold Me Down?

This was going to be cheery.

I dropped the note on the bed and threw the case at Erin who was nearest my CD player. She caught it with ease and I could hear her fiddling around as I faced the mirror. My face was white and my eyes wide. I took a few steadying breaths and put my head in my hands.

There was silence at first. A long silence. I actually turned around to look at Erin who was frowning at my player, twirling the dial on the front to turn the volume up. Then the music kicked in sharply making us both jump. The track obviously wasn’t finalised.

“Jesus Erin,” I hissed and put my hands over my ears.

“Sorry!” she shouted and turned the dial to bring it right back down again.

“Calm down she said consider this a warning.”

I could smell and taste alcohol and sweat and my stomach dropped. My words yet again. He must have written this right after that party where we’d had the huge fight in front of everyone.

“A souvenir for the morning, a headache that you can't fix.”

I collapsed backwards onto the bed and covered my eyes with my hands. I didn’t move as the song continued.

“I said I can talk my way out of anything, but I am struggling in this emergency,”

True. True. The boy could blag. The boy knew how to manipulate and sweet talk and he always knew what to say but... not when it came to me. I was his kryptonite.

“This one’s on your side. I said this one is on your,
Ambulance I'm calling you now,
Accidents bring the house down,
Come on come on, you don't know me,”

“What?!” The words slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them and my hands slipped down to cover my lips.

“Come on come on, you owe me nothing.”

I ‘pfft’ed into my hand and sat up. Listening to this album was going to be very dangerous for Josh’s health.

“Dry your eyes and stick them on ice,
Give your chest a rest it's been cold your whole life.”

I heard Erin gasp and I closed my hands into fists. I kept trying to remind myself he was seriously hurt when he’d written this. Okay, okay I’d seemed pretty cold at times.

“I'll have you know, the tables are about to turn,
And you're going to get what, what you deserve.”

Which never came... Unless... Well this album is his revenge. And did I deserve it?

“Ambulance I'm calling you now,
Accidents bring the house down,
Come on come on, you don't know me,
Come on come on, you owe me nothing,
Is this is it my love, turn it up turn it up I want to hear you scream.”

He knew I was going to hear this. He wrote this song with every intention of me hearing it. Must be a single or something. I pressed my lips together into a thin line.

His voice slipped into a higher octave which took me by surprise.

“So sing, I am my own worst enemy, that's what she said to me.”

I froze. I had. I’d slurred it at him months and months and months ago. Emily’s birthday hadn’t been our only fight. I’d drunkenly accepted a phone call one evening and spat the line down the phone. I’d tried to put forward my whole ‘I’m doing this for you’ which he didn’t accept.

“And I am living out your dream.”

Okay I hadn’t said THAT. But it was true. I had been enjoying more of the band’s lifestyle than he ever had.

“So sing, I am my own worst enemy
So we can just breathe, a little more safely.”

He was trying to convince himself of it too then.

“Ambulance I'm calling you now,
Accidents bring the house down,
Come on come on, you don't know me,
Come on come on, you owe me nothing,
Is this is it my love, turn it up turn it up I want to hear you scream.”

The song started to fade off and I finally chanced a glance at Erin. She was staring at my player, frowning slightly with her eyes glazed over.

Then the music picked back up with Josh’s voice.

“I've got real big plans and such bad thoughts,” started to repeat over and over in their true signature You Me At Six style. Finally as the music hit a peak screaming kicked in taking the pair of us by surprise. Erin sat up a little and looked at me. I shrugged. It was too high to be Josh and he refused to scream anymore. I tried to recognise it. Smith? Of The Blackout? It seemed familiar...

I soaked in the words.

“I've got real big plans and such bad thoughts.”

My fucking actions had completely clouded the kid’s mind. The band were just building themselves up and then I went and fucked things up for them but... the song was good. It had so much depth and meaning compared to their previous stuff, could this break them into the big time?

The song finally trailed off. I let out a noise that was half a whimper and half a groan and put my head in my hands.

“You alright?” Erin asked to which I didn’t reply. “Do you want to carry on?”

“Yes,” I answered sharply. I was going to have to deal with all this now.

A fast strong beat filled the room followed by guitar.

“And I know something you don't,
It comes and goes
like the strength in your bones, woah
To keep your mind at rest
I'll never let the two of us be friends,
Does that hurt?”

There was no middle ground for either of us anymore and we knew that. We were either lovers or enemies and there was no way around that. We’d tried being best friends again and look where it landed us. Lovers yet again. It hurt knowing that he knew I was going to be hurt with his absence. There seemed a sadistic edge to his words which made me shudder.

“Underdog,”

My teeth ground together.

“Just look at the mess you made
It's such a shame, a shame,
We had to find out this way,”

It had our break up all over it. I’d left him out of the blue and alone to pick up the pieces.

“You must have,
The must have moment in your hands.”

I looked down at my fists. Drama Jasey was gone.

“And it's sad to think that,
I'm a season, I'm going to change,
Just not face to face.”

That made me look up and in the mirror. He’d changed. I’d changed.

“It ain't broke, so don't fix it.”

He was annoyingly right again. We weren’t broke when we’d split. I’d thought I was trying to fix it but... we didn’t need fixing. I did.

“Underdog,
Just look at the mess you made
It's such a shame, a shame,
We had to find out this way,
Revenge loves company,
Three makes it a crowd,”

Urrgg. Poor Harry. But then... did it mean the girl (girls?) he rebounded on. Were they revenge to me? No it was probably about Harry and I.

“So wash your mouth,
and sit this one out,”

I nodded irritably. I’d said some bitter shit.

“And I'm down, down,
but definitely not out,”

I’d heard that before... ‘Sweet Feet’ was it? ‘I’m down but not out’, one of his favourite phrases by the looks.

“No you’re never out are you?” I muttered.

“Yeah, what did you call me again?”

My lips pressed together as he said it. Oh I wish I could take all my words back.

“I bet, I bet we don't make it,”

Now it was getting really interesting. So he didn’t think we would ever work again. Erin was watching me.

“He was pissed remember.”

“'Cos I never take advice from my friends,”

That caught my attention too. I turned and frowned at my sister who was frowning back. That was rubbish. Josh always sought his mate’s advice.

“Friends in very high places,”

Okay that made more sense. The band weren’t ones to bow to those above them.

“They're only making beds for themselves,
How very very selfish,
We'll keep you in mind in the end.”

You’ll always keep me in mind. This was in CD form now. I was immortalised as a massive bitch. Again.

The chorus repeated and the song ended. I couldn’t sit anymore and got up off my bed. I’d been in this room last year when Max had brought me ‘Take Off Your Colours’ and I’d listened to it here. Erin didn’t say anything this time and just stared at my CD player. She clambered up onto my windowsill where Max had sat last year. I presumed it was to get out of my way.

The next song was unexpected. It started off like nothing they’d ever created. The music was deeply layered and there was this clicking undertone. It sounded... jazzy.

“You're not on my things to do,
‘Cos I've already done you.”

I rolled my eyes. Really bitter Josh in this song then.

“And I am protective, it's so cute,
but only when it suits you.”

I froze. It’s horrible having your flaws pointed out to you by someone you love, especially when they’re projecting them to the world. I’d been a bad girlfriend. I’d come to terms with this. I’d abused our relationship a bit. I’d want Josh to look after me around guys but not friends like Harry. If it inconvenienced me I flipped.

“Is this all in vein?”

Yes. No.

“Can these words explain,”

Go on then.

“Desperate minds mean desperate measures,”

True.

“You've got to get this one together,
You're young and in love,
That should be enough.”

That should be enough. It is...

“At least you'll have nice thoughts of me,
When I am cheating on you,
In your dreams.”

I was starting to feel guiltier and less angry about all this. I’d fucked up. Why on earth would I have believed that Josh would cheat with fans or even Zoe?

“I've told you before my closet's clean,
and that these bones don’t belong to me.”

He was right. He’d always been faithful to me... Even to his previous girlfriends!

“Try this one for size,
Try me one more time.
You hold me down
by keeping me around.”

That was the biggest strike so far. I clutched my stomach and jerked forwards. I’d known this. I’d known this. I’d broken up with this because that idea had planted itself in my head. It hurt ten times more knowing he’d realised it too.

“Desperate minds mean desperate measures
You've got to get this one together
You're young and in love
That should be enough.
Desperate minds mean desperate measures
You've got to get this one together
You're young and in love
That should be enough.

You hold me down,
By keeping me around.”

He was growling them now.

“And no one takes me home.
No one takes me home.”

I sighed in defeat. No of course they didn’t.

“You hold me down,
by keeping me around.
And no one takes me home.
No one takes me home.
Desperate minds mean desperate measures
You've got to get this one together
You're young and in love
That should be enough.”

Be enough. I was too stuck up my own arse to figure it all out at the time. I’d over complicated it all. Why didn’t I just... be happy?

Erin was frowning out of the window. It must be weird for her, having a different perspective to the situation. I wondered what she thought.

I pressed pause and waited for her to say something.

“Why doesn’t he just say this to you? Why couldn’t he take you to one side and say all of this? He’s just... he’s such a coward.”

“People deal with things in different ways,” I replied patiently, jumping up next to her.

“And then he’s saying a lot of stuff he’d never have said to your face.” Actually I wouldn’t put it past him but I didn’t say anything. “It’s the worst form of bitching.”

“I’m not going to lie. I hate having songs written about me. I’d kill for one to be about the nice side of me but that’s not inspirational enough, that’s not what appeals to our generation. Their fans, kids, they want to know they’re not the only ones suffering because everyone in the world suffers through this.”

“Why’re you defending him?”

“I guess I’m coming to terms with it,” I shrugged, pulling my knees up. “I did bad things. I’m getting my comeuppance. I hurt him. Bad.”

“That’s no excuse,” she growled. I smiled slightly at my sister’s need to defend me.

“There doesn’t need to be an excuse.”

She stared at me for a long time. Assessing me.

“Come on then let’s listen to the rest of this shit so I can add to my list of why I currently want to punch his dick head face in.”

I laughed slightly and hit play again.

There was a outburst of music of fast pace guitar and strong drums. This carried on for a while before it faded down to simple strums of guitar.

“You've got a lot to say
for the one that walked away.”

Erin snorted.

“Hypocrite!”

“I give you take,
It’s the way it's always been.”

I shot her a warning glance before she could retaliate against that as well. She sunk down and folded her arms. My sister had always liked the band. That had obviously changed. I sighed. Now my sister and mother were against the boy I loved.

“Oh how do I know?
If I should stay or just go,
the bottom line is this way that I'll never know.”

The guilt set in again. I’d fucked him around. In my defence I’d done my best to walk out of his life, something I hadn’t achieved very well. I’d finished the relationship but he wasn’t finished with me.

And then he belted,
“Stay with me,
Stay with me.”

What I was feeling kicked up a notch and I hugged my knees closer. Bless him. I hadn’t seen much of Josh after we’d broken up apart from a few of our arguments. This was obviously firsthand experience of what he’d been through and that was something I was facing for the first time.

“You've got a lot to say,
For the one that pushed me away.”

Erin’s face tensed up again.

“I give you take,
Some things they'll never change,
Just change.”

Even I couldn’t hold it in. My mouth fell open slightly as Erin made a little squeak.

“Just CHANGE?!” she roared as the chorus kicked in again. I just shook my head at her. He was right, again. I had to change, we both did, for this to work.

“I never knew that I could be this way,
(Stay with me)
I never knew that I could walk away,
(Stay with me)”

He did eventually. He moved on before I walked right back into his life.

“These things take time to grow,
It's been said that time heals wounds,”

The conventional lyrics were shattered with the following

“But no, I won't be controlled,” to add to the bitterness I could feel.

“And so, the story goes,
Stay with me,
Stay with me,
I never knew that I could be this way,
(Stay with me)
I never knew that I could walk away.”

That one had me feeling everything. That song had felt sharp and loud, like they were throwing everything at me. I took a long breath.

There was another long intro on the next track that Erin decided to voice her opinions again.

“This is so unfair! Why does he get to broadcast everything to the world? Aren’t relationships supposed to be private?”

I held my tongue and just shook my head at her.

She glowered at me and threw a dirty look out the window. I’d never seen her like this. She was normally so relaxed. She was obviously hearing things I wasn’t.

Finally, like the previous one, the music toned down to simple layering.

“Too much, too much is never enough,”

“Obviously it was for you,” Erin muttered and I was about to tell her to get out if she carried on when the next line cut me off.

“I had you and I gave you up.”

I raised my eyebrows. It was exactly like before. He was twisting it and telling everyone my wrongs. I paused to think it through. These lyrics were not the whole truth there was obviously an element of artistic licence. Josh wasn’t writing this to me. He was expressing his feelings to whoever would listen and that was a huge difference.

“I had no idea where my mind was for months.”

I swallowed again and cuddled my knees. If I hadn’t been trying to convince myself otherwise, I probably would have lost my mind too, I’d shut out a lot of my feelings... or ignored them.

“I woke up, I cashed in on all of my luck,
walked hand and hand with your trust.”

Guilt started to spread through me, like my blood was turning cold in my very veins.

“And everybody was kissing on fire,
and we all got burnt.”

Were they? I frowned at Erin. I’d been too preoccupied in my own little bubble.

“It'd be safer, to hate her.”

My gut clenched. I wanted to be sick.

“Than to love her and to lose her,
It'd be safer to hate her all around.”

Wordless breaths came out of my open mouth as it sunk in. Hate me? Hate me... For the first time on the album I swallowed back tears. I screwed up my hands into fists and screwed my eyes up telling myself of how angry and upset he had been. My will to listen to this was fading...

“Caught you having a laugh,
Did you catch me have the last?”

My jaw clenched. I was just trying to move on. He had apparently. Rebecca flickered into my mind. I still hadn’t asked that story yet!

“I've been smiling like this for days,
Just to make up for my mistakes.”

Make up for his mistakes? I listened carefully now.

“In the dark, I watch everyone disappear.”

Did that mean... more people?. What had he done in his bitter state? Something significant clicked in my head I thought about the absence of Matt and Dan all these months. Oh fuck. Oh no!

“And I am beginning to let myself down.
I am pushing everyone that was in, out.”

Josh confirmed it as I took a breath that was so sharp, it was painful.

“Oh shit!” I hissed, gaping at Erin.

“What?” she asked as the chorus repeated itself.

“The band! They haven’t been right for months! I didn’t ask about it because... well I didn’t feel like it was my place yet but of course!” I smacked myself on the forehead. “Dan and Matt haven’t been around everyone.”

“I thought they wrote the damn album?!”

“That’s their job! Outside of that... I haven’t seen them... Josh’s miserable state must have finally snapped something for them.”

“Then it’s his own bloody fault then! Don’t you blame yourself for this Jasey! This is their problem!”

But it was too late. I’d started crying. I’d fucked up everything.

“And nobody knows what it's like
to live and die on the inside.”

I sobbed into my knees.

“Nobody knows what it's like
To be one of a kind.”

No one had understood him in my backlash. I’d left him without warning.

“When we die, do we feel alive?”

I shook a little. Yes. It was true. I’d gone numb. I’d shut out my feelings over my break up. I’d gone numb to make it easier. I hadn’t faced the consequences of my actions. Everything I should have felt hit me there and then on my windowsill as the song blared on. Erin hit ‘stop’ and coaxed me down where she just let me cry and cry and cry.

About an hour later I’d finally managed to reduce myself to just sniffling. Erin stroked my back and realised her abusive words towards Josh were not helping my case. She just stayed quiet and comforted me.

“I need to listen to the rest of it.”

“Jase, I don’t thin-”

“No I need to. I don’t want to start all of this again another day. I need to finish it now.” I said it with such determination she stared at me silently. I got up, reached my CD player and hit ‘play’.

“It's worse, worse than you think,
If truth be told,
I'll tell you that you're love sick.”

I nodded, clasping my hands together and pacing my room. Love sick. No, but that’s probably how I seemed to be.

“I am sweet so everybody takes a bite,
Dig in, I'm the catalyst to your demise.”

I focused on this, leaning forwards and hitting rewind so it repeated.

“I am sweet so everybody takes a bite.”

What was he trying to say? He was... nice so everyone liked him? That was a bit rich but he’d sugar coated it.

“Dig in, I’m the catalyst to your demise.”

Or not so nice.

“Words are cheap, so I'll sell you a line,
Like the way you acted that night,”

“Emily’s party,” I muttered, still pacing and just accepting it now. Not allowing myself to emotionally latch on.

“Second best, is what, what you want then,”

Harry. Poor kid.

“It won't cost you that much, but me.”

I saw Erin roll her eyes as she collapsed backwards on my bed so she was looking up at my lamp.

“I've got you hanging on every word I say,
But that don't mean a thing,
And you love the way I take your breath away,
So I'll take your breath away,”

Erin and I both froze. Did that mean real life or... this album? Maybe he had intended for me to listen to this... no... No. He’d been too bitter. He intended it for mean that he’d faked everything he’d ever said. My gut twisted but I tried to tell myself that it was a lie.

“Have you had, had your day?
Move close and I'll push you away.”

I looked over at my sister who was staring at me. So what was what we were now? He kept speaking of revenge that he’d never completed apart from this album. Was Josh playing me? Was he seeing me to... break me? Return the favour? I leant forwards on my knees, trying not to heave. I felt disgustingly sick.

“Play it safe for the sake of keeping some face,
Play it safe in the name of keeping your please,”

So he played it safe...

“Do what, what I tell you to
With arms we'll carry this through,
Can't wait, can't wait to see you,”

I heaved air. He was. He was playing me.

“He’s faking it,” I moaned into my legs. “He’s going to break my heart, for revenge.”

“He’s not,” Erin said quietly. I looked up at her. She was white.

“No, he wouldn’t.” She’d changed her tune! “Jase, calm down, you’re upset, he’s just... Why would he give you the CD if that was his intentions? He’d be warning you. What did you call some of his other stuff Jase?” She asked desperately, scrambling up my bed to me. “Fuller? Fillers! It’s exaggerated.

The chorus ended and the song dropped to a lower beat. We both turned and looked at the speakers as if we could see them.

“And I only have eyes for you.”

A memory waved over me. Stood in the park in my old home.

“I only have eyes for you,” he’d said to me, after Terri had kissed him.

“It's so true.”

Was I ever going to be able to trust him? I thought of Zoe and the fans and... I ran my hands through my hair. Ohhh God.

“Oh I only have eyes for you,
It's the truth, the truth, it’s so true.”

I sighed heavily, deflating onto myself again. As soon as he could make me angry he could make me guilty just as quickly.

His voice came onto the next track quickly, backed by a strumming guitar.

“If one drink,
Could make tonight,
Slip my mind then I
Should drink up,
So I can forget that
I haven't lived my life,”

I had a horrible sneaking suspicion he must have gotten drunk a lot then.

“I haven’t lived my life?” I repeated. I’d wasted his life?

“You are an example of,
Better things to come,”

I stared at the ceiling and chewed on my lip. He was mad. He was upset.

“So why wait on some other escape,
That leads me nowhere fast
I've got to ask.”

I turned around to look at the player.

“You've got nothing to lose
Except for me and you.”

True.

“And I love that attitude
When you know I can do,
I'll do better than you.”

My eyebrows shot up as Erin snorted. She apologised quickly. Rebecca was better than me...? I shrank a little, my self-confidence crashing internally. Sure I’d fucked up but I could change. What if it was physical? I turned to look in the mirror. I looked a mess because of all my crying. I looked at my alcohol abused body and fake hair. I’d been thinking about dying it dark. Maybe I would... mature physically too.

There was a lot of ‘ah, ah, ah’ing where I had time to collect myself.

“If one drink, could make tonight,
Slip your mind then you,
Should drink up, so you can convince
Yourself that I am cute,”

A stone dropped inside of me and I sighed. I’d drunk a lot. Yes. I had. Our... ‘love’ life has sort of died off and I had only showed interested when a bit tipsy. We had just never had the time really, or the privacy.

“We are an example of,
Why not to fall in love.”

I smiled grimly.

“It takes a turn and then it hurts
more than you could dream of.”

Oh Josh. I rubbed my forehead. I was getting a searing headache.

“Well you've got nothing to lose,
Except for me and you.
And I love that attitude,
When you know I can do,
I'll do better than you.
You've got nothing to prove,
Oh no wait yes you do.
You wear it so well that we think it's true.”

What did I have to prove?

“That I’m a decent person,” I muttered to myself.

The song quietened again.

“You can't stay I want you gone,
For pulling the carpet I was standing on.”

I raised my brows at Erin in a “SEE!” look. She just shook her head determinedly.

“He wanted you gone. He doesn’t now.”

“Here's the exit, exit, exit.”

I sank down next to her as the song played out.

The next song was another that started pretty quickly.

“This is hard to swallow,
You keep your thoughts by your pillow,
And just so you can adore them,
And just so we can ignore them.”

I winced but accepted it. I’d kept things to myself too much.

“I'd rather lead than follow,
I'd rather stay in the cold,
I moves have got so old
Well so I've been told,”

I blushed a little. I hadn’t said that in those words but I’d told him our heat had gone.

“But now you’ve lost it all.”

I had.

“We're running out of time,
We have things on our mind,
And things that we just don’t like.”

The jealousy again.

“Who'd you wanna see?”

You. But he’d thought it had been Harry.

“Who'd you wanna be tonight?”

I frowned a little. I didn’t change THAT much.

“Forgetting the promises that you made
And how your, your promises easily break,”

Icy guilt again. It hadn’t just been Josh I’d let down. I’d forgotten Emily and Max at points too.

“You sit on the fence, and now I'll take on the risk.
I'll count my losses, and I'll count my fears.
I hope you've cleared your head.”

I blinked in surprised. I hadn’t I said that? That I wanted to clear my head. Done.

The chorus repeated itself.

“We were young and we were blind,
We ignored the warning signs.”

I squirmed, holding my waist.

“How were we to know? How were we to know?”

Obviously I knew before him.

“We were close but still so far.”

Geographically or emotionally? Our relationship had such potential.

“We grew apart and out of touch.”

I blinked in surprise again that he was acknowledging this.

“All I wanted was..
All I wanted was to say...”

And I stared at my player to listen to what he wanted to say.

“We're running out of time
We have things on our mind
And things that we just don’t like
Who'd you wanna say?
Who'd you wanna be tonight?”

“WHY hadn’t he told me this!? What hadn’t he said it to me?” I asked Erin, annoyed but my voice failed.

Erin gave the smallest of shrugs and a sympathetic grimace.

Josh’s voice startled me when the next trap skipped.

“If I could have a minute please,
Then I'll bring you to your knees.”

Weirdly he’d done that. I was at his mercy the moment I’d seen him at Reading.

“This contagious chemistry is killing me.”

Our relationship was contagious.

“Oh you'll never disappear,
Until I give permission dear.”

“Probably not,” I muttered, folding my arms.

“'Cause you're always gonna, always be knee deep.
So please.”

I sighed again, turning on the spot to keep moving.

“Dearest enemy,” cut me off short. I froze and my mouth popped open slightly. Enemy?!

“You have just lost me along the way,
Somewhere between the fake smiles and your free drinks.”

I turned so Erin couldn’t see my face. My smiles hadn’t been fake but, oh fuck, I don’t think I’ve ever bought a drink around the boy. He’d thought I’d been faking it all the time. Abusing their position.

“Please don't smother me,
I swear that I need some room to breathe.”

SMOTHER? I calmed myself. I took a mental note to back off the work side of his life.

“What with you all up, down and over me,
you're not a name, you're just a face.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I hissed, the blood in my face rising and my fingernails digging into my palms. “I have no name in these fucking songs.”

Erin smiled a little at my final backlash.

“It's contagious, so catch it.”

I had caught it. Oh believe me.

“This love is dirtier than you think.
Don't believe your eyes, believe your ears, trust me.”

I didn’t believe him. I’d believed what I’d read online. Idiot.

“This heart’ll sink lower than you think.
Don't believe your eyes, believe your ears, trust me.”

My anger momentarily vanished until another “Dearest enemy” stirred me.

“You should listen to the streets,
Because they tell you all you need to know,
About who and what you are.”

Woah. What had Surrey been saying about me?!

“No smoke without a fire,
With that, I'll name drop you a liar,”

“As per usual,” I spat, shaking now.

“It suits your skin and bones, you've known all along,
It's exactly what you are.”

“Then why did you put up with me?!” I growled, snatching the CD Case and throwing it across the room. Erin ducked and looked wary.

“Jase?”

I ignored her, pacing rapidly, clenching and unclenching my hands. I’d cried, now I needed to scream.

“This is the first and the last time, I swear.”

“WRONG!” I shouted at the player, directing it at him. I had no idea where my feelings had come from.

“There's more where that came from, she said.”

I let out an audible gasp. Quoting me again.

“Do you know what that means? 'Cause I know what that means.”

No you don’t.

“This is the first and the last time, I swear.
It's a numbers game and I was there.
Do you know what this means?”

“I DID NOT CHEAT WITH HARRY!” I screamed because I needed to say it as loud as I could for the first time. I tore at my head and swirled around.

“No, oh!,” It was like he was replying to me.

“Who did you think I was, yeah?
No, oh!, is this the only lead you were working on?”

I glowed menacingly across the room, Josh singing into a microphone viciously swimming before my eyes.

“No, oh! And you were caught with the best yeah.”

I seethed, restraining myself from throwing more things.

“Oh forget the rest: hotel rooms, cheap thrill dress.”

There was no privacy to what had happened. He was quoting every little detail.

“Lack of common sense can make this happen.”

Lack of common sense? Well... yes, I was emotionally driven.

“If I could have a minute please,
then I'll bring you to your knees.
This contagious, contagious chemistry.”

Erin was watching me pace again. The next line was the biggest surprise.

“Dearest enemy, you should have never trusted me. You bitch.”

I involuntarily let out a sound like I’d been winded. I stayed in my doubled over position for a moment, in shock.

Erin whipped her head around to look at my player.

“What?! You little prat, when I get my hands on you, I’m gonna-”

I didn’t hear the rest of her rants.

Bitch. Bitch. The one thing he’d always refused to do. Call me a bitch. Now it was on a record he was going to sell, on a song he’d sing live over and over again.

A surprising musical score caught my attention back to the CD.

“I've got a question,
Did you think that,
we would ever believe, you?”

I didn’t know if I was going to be able to handle much more.

“And on the note of rejection
The line you walk is getting thin,
so thin,”

Rejection? Huh, so he was flipping it now.

“Your green eyes are potent.”

As always.

“Last night I know who you were with.”

I rolled my eyes, chewing on the inside of my mouth. I was never with Harry like that. Prat.

“And you're a snake in the grass,
And always a has been.”

I actually hissed, making Erin jump away from me.

“Go back home now,
Go back to sleep, (and we'll say)
Go back with someone else who,
Wants you more than me.”

I swallowed. Harry had wanted me, but it wasn’t returned.

“Just one more question,
Why do you throw your words around town,
Like they answer nobody's questions?”

What? I hadn’t said anything!

“All ears, your chase comes out at night,”

When I was drunk I suppose.

“Oh, the whistles cry,
We're supposed to drop like flies.”

The simile was confusing. The whistle cry? My whistle? Like I intended them to drop everything for me!

“Go back home now,
Go back to sleep, (and we'll say)
Go back with someone else who, who
Want's you more than me.”

“Was it something I said
(was it something i said)
Something I did
That made you destroy all we built?”

A small part of me was screaming ‘finally!’ because I could finally hear what was troubling him. He... hadn’t done anything, or said anything. It was me. Uggg my heart swelled then deflated. I couldn’t stay mad long.

“And it was something you said
(something you said)
Something you did
That made me think that you were real.”

Broken up with him. Ohhh. I sank onto my bed with my head in my hands. Erin rubbed my back.

Then a new voice sang the chorus. I knew that voice. It was familiar...

Aled Phillips?

“Go back home now,
Come back to sleep, (and we'll say)
Come back with someone else who, who
Want's you more than..
Who wants you more than me.”

He carried the song through to the end with a few group vocals. So Sean and Aled had both featured on this record? It was obviously going to do well then! The thought elated and scared me at the same time.

Another song played. How many were there!?

“Where did we go so wrong,
That we couldn't see that we lost control over everything?”

It was getting familiar now.

“It's personal,
She gets involved.”

Me?!

“We've got these faces,
They're painted,
So you can't ever sell.”

This felt a bit ‘filler’y.

“Trophy eyes
Have now been mine
For longer than I'd like.”

Yes, yes, he always wins.

“They shine so bright,
Behind those lies,
And I need you more this time.”

Need me...? So this was written with a bit of self pity then.

“And I am on my own,
But not for long,
I keep my friends so close,
And you even closer.”

What? I looked to Erin again. We were only close now. It was just confirming my fears.

“No Jase, he would not do that.”

“So wrong to say,
That I feel this way,
But I'm a man of my word,
And my words will never change.”

I raised my eyebrows at her but she gave me such a serious look they fell down again.

The chorus repeated itself out.

We must be nearing the end now. A slow guitar rhythm kicked in and I had the gut feeling it was the finale.

The last slow one had been ‘Always Attract’ and that was one of my favourite where Josh professed his love for me in his own little way.

But my heart sank with the first line.

“So this is the end, of you and me,
We had a good run, and I'm setting you free,
To do as you want, to do as you please
Without me..”

The tone was so different in this one I had a feeling it wasn’t written the same time as the others. When had Josh penned this one?

“Remember when, you were my boat
And I was your sea,
Together we'd float, so delicately.”

I smiled weakly, my eyes already filling up. This was going to kill me. I remembered the simplicity. I thought of our childhood.

“But that was back when we could talk about
Anything...”

Yep there it was. I let out a sob.

“Cause I don't know, who I am when you're
Running circles in my head.”

I looked down at my hands.

“And I don't know, just who you are
When you're sleeping in someone else's bed.”

Another gut wrenching blow that knocked all the air out of me. I had never cheated.

“3 whole words, and 8 letters late,
And that would've worked, on me yesterday,
We're not the same, I wish that could change..But it can't,”

Can’t it? Oh Josh.

“And I say your name, and in the same breath,
I say something, that I'll grow to regret.”

I sobbed into my knees, my whole body shaking with each breath.

“So keep your hands on your chest, and sing with me, that we don't wanna believe.”

What had I done? What had I done? What had I done?

I could feel every bit of emotion in this song, every bit of hurt, everything I’d done.

“So it's true what they say, if you love someone you should set them free,”

I hiccupped.

“Oh it's true what they say, you went and threw it away...”

I stared helplessly at my sister who looked heartbroken seeing me like this.

“I don't know who you are, and I don't know who you are,
And oh cause I don't know who you are,
when you sleep with somebody else,”

He was shouting it now, the emotion levels rising in both of us, I could feel him wanted to convey everything he’d felt.

“Cause I don't know who I am, when you're sleeping with him,”

My mouth went dry despite the tears pouring out of me. I hadn’t. I hadn’t. I hadn’t!

“And it's true what they say, went and threw it away...”

The song trailed off and I dissolved into a mess. The CD finally ran out. I couldn’t breathe probably as Erin held onto me, the only way I could hold my grip in reality. I have no idea how long we were there in my room for, where I just cried, my emotions of the past few months, the anger, the hurt, missing everything. I just let it all flow out of me.

When I’d finally cleared myself up, when I could think straight again, I looked to Erin. All her rage had vanished too. She just looked sad.

I glanced over her shoulder at my mobile.

I needed to make a call.