When I Grow Up, I Want to Be Famous

“We’re touring with Paramore in a few weeks. After the album is released... we may just pack it all in.”

Elissa and I stared at him in shock.

“Like Hell you are,” Elissa said as I shouted “No!”

He flinched away from the pair of us.

“You’ve worked too hard for this,” his sister argued, pointing her finger meaningfully at him. Josh and the band had achieved success that Elissa had always dreamt of, I could see why she was getting so furious. “You cannot just pack it all away.”

“If the band hates each other we won’t have a choice,” he spat back, leaning forwards finally so the siblings were face to face. “I’m not doing a job I hate.”

“You don’t hate your job,” I said, quieter than the other two. “You love it. You love writing and touring and making the thing you’ve been so passionate about all your life.”

He stared at me, slightly surprised, and looked like he wanted to retaliate, but he knew I was right.

“You can’t give that up,” I said softly, my face sympathetic and keen to stop him from backing out. “You just need to talk to them. You’ve been friends for years now and haven’t had any real problems. You can fix this.”

His left eyebrow twitched, like he wanted to raise it but didn’t have the heart. His mouth twitched too but he couldn’t bring himself to smile. I reached across and squeezed his hand.

“If you can’t speak to the rest about this, why don’t you speak to Max?”

He nodded in defeat, sinking forwards onto the table to bury his face into his arms. Elissa and I exchanged a look and decided to leave the subject. The situation was more serious than we’d thought.

***

“Why do you say everyone wants to be my man?” I asked curiously as we wandered down the high street.

“What do you mean?” he asked, not really listening, staring into the window of the nearest shop.

“In ‘Kiss and Tell’ you open up saying everyone wants to be my man.” I was frowning now, this had been bugging me for a while. I’d listened the song online properly for the first time, along with the video, and tried to push away the more negative emotions I’d felt.

“Because they do?” he said it like a question, turning to look at my properly and he frowned at the look on my face.

“No they don’t,” I defended, folding my arms. “I’ve had like... two boyfriends in my life.”

He rolled his eyes and shook his head at the same time.

“You are so oblivious sometimes,” he muttered. “Do you still don’t understand why I was stupidly jealous and wary all the time?”

No. It was actually interesting to have this explained.

“Jesus Jase, are you blind?” he laughed. “Every boy I know that’s ever laid eyes on you had been after you.”

My face flushed. “What?”

“I’ve had to have words with some of our crew,” he muttered, more darkly than I’d liked but he shook himself free of it. “More than once.”

“Just to let you know,” I said in my best teasing voice, taking his hand and bumping him with his hip a little. “I’m refusing to break up with you, so you may not be able to write another album, soz.”

He chuckled, squeezing my hand.

“Hmmm, you have single handily ended our band Jase-”

We both slowed in our tracks as his words hit. I knew he was teasing and he hadn’t meant to say it but it still hit home hard.

The subject of the band was still icy. Secretly, I still felt like it was all my fault.

We stared at each other awkwardly for a second before heading down the street in silence.

I was staying in Weybridge for the weekend as Josh was soon to be back on tour. Billie had agreed to cover my shifts so I could relax and enjoy my time left. He seemed so pleased to see me because I was probably the best distraction he’d had in a while. I did anything and everything to keep his mind off the band and we sank into old comforts of our childhood.

But he couldn’t avoid it forever. He needed to speak to Max.

I told him to do it when I went home but he’d said he wanted me there despite my protests that this wasn’t anything to do with me. He argued Max would agree with him so on Sunday night, Max was due round at the Franceschi’s.

I hadn’t seen Max since they’d come back from the states and I owed a freaking lot to the kid. I gave him the biggest hug I’d ever give him which he returned just as enthusiastically. I realised I’d missed him just as much as Josh.

I could sense the slight edginess between the boys but I couldn’t tell if it was because Josh was just nervous about voicing his concerns.

I wanted to stay out of it as much as possible. We ended up in the kitchen. I busied myself making tea while the pair exchanged mindless chatter. I gave Josh a warning look over Max’s shoulder as I reached for the sugar. I swear he gulped.

“Max, mate,” he said awkwardly, doing that thing where he scratched the back of his head whenever he felt uncomfortable of nervous. “I didn’t invite you round for a catch up.”

“I know,” Max said quickly. “I was hoping you’d call sooner actually. I never got a moment alone with you on tour to really talk about anything. I want to check you’re alright.”

Oh Max. Oh beautiful wonderful Max. My heart fluttered with affection.

Josh seemed to be stunned because his response was hesitant for a beat.

“Oh, yeah I’m...”

I shot him another warning look.

“Fucking awful. You?”

“Same,” Max agreed with a slight chuckle.

“Why does everyone hate me?” Josh asked, bluntly. Good, he was getting straight to it.

“They don’t hate you mat-”

“Max, I’m being serious, what the fuck is going on?”

Max hesitated and I remembered his reluctance on the phone to me.

“I didn’t know whether to ask you... I mean... I didn’t think you would but then you just shut yourself off...”

“Ask me what?”

I stood watching, trying to blend into the environment, the sugar still clutched in my hands.

“Look don’t pounce on me, it’s your decision of course, I just wish you’d told us-”

“Told you what?”

“About the money thing.”

The air had actually gone cold.

“Money?” Josh asked slowly, eyeing his best mate. I could see something flicker over his face, like he was remembering something.

“Yeah,” Max said playing with his phone, not meeting his singer’s eyes. “You know about the song writing thing, you’re getting 60% of the profits.”

I dropped the sugar.

“What?!” Josh’s mouth fell open slightly. Neither seemed to have noticed me. I ducked to pick the pot up.

“What 60% of the profits thing?!”

Keep your cool boy!

When I looked back up, Max had sunk as far as he could into his chair, Josh was leaning forwards again, his face horrified and angry at the same time.

“Matt overheard your conversation on Warped,” Max said quietly. “You were told you had rights to 60% of the profits because you write the songs.”

“So do you,” he argued.

“I know, which is why I thought you’d tell me about it...”

“I am not getting 60%!” Josh almost roared, but it was more in disbelief that rage. “Is that what everyone thinks?! Is that why- Oh for fuck’s sake!”

He got up suddenly, kicking his chair back and he started pacing, his hands wringing together and pulling on the edges of his hoody.

“Dan thought he’d heard you’d signed something with the new record label-”

“Fucking hell no! I just wanted to be there for the setting up of our contract, I didn’t- I wouldn’t-” He stopped pacing and turned to look at Max, his face aghast in horror. “Do you honestly believe I would do that to you guys?”

The pair exchanged a moment before Max shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He clearly did.

“I want to believe you would, I told them that...”

“Why didn’t you right out ask me?” Josh asked, refusing to retake his seat, he looked calmer but still stressed.

“You weren’t exactly... approachable.”

I automatically took a step back, turning away from them both to busy myself with something. There was an uncomfortable silence.

Josh just groaned and I heard the scraping of a chair. He’d returned to his seat and I could hear a thud that told me he’d either put his elbows on the table or slammed his head into it. I turned to check it wasn’t the latter. No. His face was in his hands.

He was just groaning, running his hands over his face and through his hair, pulling at it until the ends stood up of their own accord. I could see Max just watching him.

“None of us wanted to believe you would do it,” Max said quietly, leaning towards him, unsure of how to comfort him. “There was too much going on around us for us to ask you properly.”

Now he’d started banging his head on the table.

“Come on mate,” Max said, shoving his arm to stop him. “I’m fucking relieved to hear you haven’t done it.”

“Yeah, now you can clear it up with the others and everything will be fine,” I said cheerfully, bringing over the now cold tea to the table.

There was a silence.

“What?” I asked nervously, looking between them both. Josh’s head dropped back onto the wood. I squeezed his arm to stop him thudding again.

“I don’t think it’s that simple,” Max answered slowly, his fingers tracing the patterns in the table, his eyes transfixed. “It’s been like this for months. It’s going to take a hell of a lot to bring Matt and especially Dan back around.”

I contemplated this. Dan was a no nonsense person. If he didn’t like something, he didn’t have to stand for it. I remember how he’d turned from me months ago. I still hadn’t really spoken to him since...

I needed to keep my distance from this.

“It will be fine,” I said meaningfully to Max, jerking my head to the singer sprawled on the table.

“It will,” Max agreed, a tone of optimism returning to his voice. He shifted in his seat to straighten himself and tugged on the hem of his tee to straighten it. “Did you manage to sort the clothing thing out with Baylis after?”

That raised his head slightly. He peeked up at Max before lifting himself up properly.

“Uhh yeah, he said he could try and sort the website out for me and he knows a company we can print the designs onto.”

“What designs?” I asked, completely baffled, accidently sipping my cold tea. My nose wrinkled in disgust as I gagged.

His eyebrows raised in surprise but then fell back into place as comprehension set in.

“Oh... I thought I’d told you, I was planning on setting up a clothing company like Matt’s got? I need a work distraction for when I get home from touring. I’d like to keep busy.”

“Ohhh,” I said. “Wow, cool... what’re you going to call it?”

“I’m not sure yet, but I was thinking about ‘Down But Not Out’, I think it’s a brilliant way to live your life by... and it seems pretty relevant at the moment,” he muttered darkly, swirling the tea around in his mug and grimacing at what I’d made.

“Hmmm,” I said, not really sure what to say, the air was still a bit icy. I could tell by the look on Max’s face that the clothing was going to be a good thing for him. We sort of shared a silent exchange.

“I think I’ll leave you two to it, there’s only so much alone time you can get after all,” he said with a massive grin and a wink.

I hit his arm but Josh didn’t even respond, he was staring at his tea.

“Oh ha ha,” I muttered, getting up out of my seat to see him off, kicking Josh in the process who slowly rose after me.

“Okay but seriously, I haven’t had much chance to catch up with everyone from home, I’m meeting Emily in half hour.”

“Ahh sweet, give her my love,” I said enthusiastically, giving Max a quick hug, convey my thanks for him coming around.

Max and Josh stared at each other for a moment. He reached across and squeezed Josh’s arm and smiled slightly.

“We’ll figure this out,” he said seriously. “I promise.”

Josh nodded and tried to return the smile.

We followed him out to the front door and just as Max stepped out, Josh called after him.

“Max,” he shouted. “Thanks mate... for everything.”

Max beamed at him, tucking his hands into his coat pocket.

“Anytime.”

Josh gently shut the door as he wandered down the path. He pressed his head to the back of it, I stepped forward before he started hitting himself again.

He let me pull him around and buried his face into my shoulder as I pulled him in for a hug. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t try to back off, I just held him there. I could hear his breathing turning ragged and he sniffed once or twice but I didn’t push it, I just held him. After a few moments, his arms tightened around me and he turned his head to kiss the side of my neck gently. He finally pulled himself up to his height again. I offered him a small smile which he actually returned, tiredly. I lifted myself up onto my tiptoes and kissed his cheek.

I didn’t want to say anything else on the subject and silently led him upstairs to his room where we crashed out watching ‘Friends’ re-runs.

“Do you know what might help?” I asked tentatively the next morning over toast in bed.

“What?” he responded, biting into the piece coated in strawberry jam.

“Writing about it,” I said quietly, hiding behind my buttered piece, carefully watching for his reaction. His paused mid-bite, his eyes glazing over. He seemed to be considering this.

“I mean,” I said quickly, keen to get my intentions across. “You’ve had such success writing about how you feel when things went wrong with me... why couldn’t you do the same about this? You wouldn’t have to release it but it might be a good therapy for you.”

He slowly began to move again, chewing his piece and then swallowing. His eyes flickered to mine.

“Hmm,” he mused, taking another bite. “That’s not a bad idea actually.”

“Considering you have no more negativity from me,” I teased, leaning forwards to kiss his cheek. He chuckled with his mouth full.

“Hmm, if we do ever write another album I promise it will be an apology for the past two.”

“Does that mean I’ll get a few love ballads?” I asked, wriggling my eyebrows, dipping my finger in the jam and licking it.

“I don’t know if I can manage those,” he said, playing along with me. At least he was smiling.

“Oh I don’t know ‘Always Attract’ was pretty sweet,” I argued lightly, dabbing some jam on the end of his nose. “For you at least.”

His face wrinkled up at the sticky substance.

“You better lick that off,” he said, moving himself around to face me. I just licked another dollop of the end of my finger, grinning.

He suddenly leant forwards, grabbing my waist and knocking me backwards. He rubbed his nose against my cheek as I squealed my protests.

“You’re getting it in my hair!” I yelped, doing my best to wriggle away from him.

“That’s what she said,” he teased.

“That doesn’t work in the presence of your girlfriend!” I protested in a fit of giggles while he just grinned stupidly at me. He pulled my forwards and kissed my furiously. The taste of Josh and jam flooded my taste buds. I’d missed this. Why would anyone throw away love? We pulled away like giddy teenagers, still sticky from our mess and high as a kite.

A small part of my mind focused on the one small fact.

Josh was never happy with me and his friends together, it was either one or the other... so which was more important...?

***

“Okay girls one more,” Tom said from behind the camera as we all froze into positions. After a few seconds we all relaxed as he came up from behind the lens, showing the outcome to Josh and Baylis on the back of the camera. They conferred as I smoothed down the front of my t-shirt anxiously.

“Why did we agree to this?” I muttered to Athina, raking my fingers through my hair trying to smooth it. “I hate having my picture taken.”

She laughed, sinking into her hips as she relaxed too.

“Same, I don’t want to see the outcomes of these, I’m feeling a bit hungover,” she replied, blinking a few times at the bright lights we were working under. I grinned at her and slipped into conversation about her antics last night.

“Jase, can we have you on your own please?” Josh asked all professional like, looking at the shots Tom had taken. The other girls happily slipped out of frame. I didn’t know the other two that were modelling, they were friends with Baylis. I was a bit confused as to why Josh had only asked Athina and myself considering he knew Emily, Lucy, Zoe, Rosie and the rest, he knew plenty of girls! Maybe we were the only ones who would say yes...

I’d been reluctant because I was going to have my face plastered all over his clothing range where his dedicated fans would buy from... I was not looking forward to the comments that would roll of this. I sighed, straightened my ‘King of the World’ top and forced half a smile at the camera as Tom snapped away.

They were really running off contacts and friends for this shoot, it was so cheap, we only have beer and pizza as a thanks. It was a quick rap up as it was pretty simple. Josh was heading off for tour tomorrow so they needed to get this done before he vanished. He needed to sort a few things out so I got to see him this evening before waving him off from Surrey tomorrow. I was trying to be perky about it but I wouldn’t see him until the few home shows just before Christmas and even then I wouldn’t get to see him properly until they were over. The band had travelled and done so much this year. I was more proud than I could be mad at that, they’d done so well, if only they could sort things out...

The weeks went by surprisingly fast. I’d been so caught up with work and friends that I hadn’t had too much time to whinge over missing the band. I’d had contact but it had been minimal, they were busier that I was. I wanted to ask Josh and Max about how things were going but they were never alone to talk about it. I knew that must be killing them all, being in each other’s company all the time. Thinking about it, it was enough to drive anyone mad.

Sarah, Billie and Krysten became the main part of my social life and I was spending a good amount of my paycheck each week on going out with them. I visited Emily and she visited me and I could see she was missing her travelling friends, waiting for the home shows to come round.

She hadn’t heard anymore than I did. Finally December hit.

“So, do you hate me?” I asked, a small smile on my face but I was curious.

“What?” she asked, staring at the Tube map above our heads. “Hate you?”

“Last time I was with Josh you couldn’t stand me, as soon as we broke up, we were friends again,” I said quietly. Her gaze dropped to me with surprise.

“Yeah well you were being a pain back then,” she said bluntly. Good old blunt Emily. I grinned. “I couldn’t deal with how you and Josh were treating each other and you were a bigger drama queen. It was like everyone back home didn’t matter anymore to either of you, you shut us all out.”

I nodded, guilt squirming in my gut.

“But it’s all fine, things mend themselves, let’s hope these boys can do the same,” she sighed, reviewing the map again, counting the stops until we got off.

We met up with Athina, Georgina and Lucy before making our way to the back of the venue, intimidated by the huge buses and vans that obviously belonged to Paramore. I rang Josh to come and fetch us as the security team were eyeing us warily. I couldn’t blame them, there were a few kids hanging around here and there trying to get a glimpse of their heroes.

“You do realise you’re going to meet Paramore,” I said quietly to Emily, shivering against the bitterness in the air.

Her mouth twitched as she tried to keep her cool but it was breaking through. She was buzzing. This was going to be one hell of a night for her. Josh and Chris came through the back door, grinning at us all. They talked to the guards and then handed us neck tags declaring that we were guests of the band. Not caring about anyone else around us, I pulled him into a hug after he placed it around my neck. He squeezed me back, lifting me very slightly off the ground.

“You have no idea how good it is to see you,” he whispered into my shoulder.

That’s when people started shouting his name and his attention was diverted. Band first right? He set me down and turned to them almost immediately, I slunk back with Emily through the gate as he headed towards the small group of screaming girls, two of which were sending me glares I could almost feel burning my skin. Embarrassed and slightly annoyed I hurried into the venue with the rest of the girls. Georgina seemed less annoyed than I did that Chris had gone to join Josh for photos and autographs. She’d always been the better person than me.

We found the rest of the band and arrivals in the green rooms. The crew were there as well as they’d just completed their sound check so were good for a few hours. Henri and Nathan welcomed me first and I realised I hadn’t seen them in absolutely ages. A thought occurred to me that I hadn’t seen Dan or Matt properly in even longer. This unnerved me. Neither of them seemed to acknowledge that I was there. I tried to focus on what Nathan was saying but I felt like the elephant in the room. Josh returned with Chris about half hour later.

“I thought you had a signing soon?” I overheard Georgina asking Chris when they reunited. I frowned at Josh questioning him silently. He nodded.

“Yeah, but they were there and we couldn’t really say no,” he answered my silent question as Chris said something similar.

“You’ve been signing?” Max asked curiously, coming over to join us, giving me a quick greeting hug.

“Yeah, there was a few kids out back,” he shrugged. “No harm done.”

“You survived?” Max asked which made me turn to him curiously. “Our past few signings have been insane, kids are pressing themselves up against the shop trying to squeeze in, we’ve had to have a few police come and help us out at some point.”

“It had been manic,” Josh agreed, running his hands through his fringe until it stuck on end and then flattened it. I smiled, they were a hell of a lot more popular than they or I’d thought.

I relaxed with some of the crew and family and friends whilst the guys vanished to do their signing. We all kept out of the way whilst they ran through their hectic day. Emily and I snuck away to go and peep on Paramore’s sound check which was brilliant, obviously. Emily was wetting herself with happiness next to me. The guys came on after them to do their sound check.

Something was off. You could see it in the way they were standing apart from each other, not looking or interacting with anyone. Josh kept staring miserably at the floor whilst Dan frowned at his drums. Matt kept looking off to the wings like he was itching to get away. Fuck, they really had broken down and if they weren’t careful it was going to show in their performance this evening. Had something happened at the signing?

Alice must have noticed it too because she was frowning at the guys, glancing at me from time to time with a curious expression that I just shrugged off.

When they were done, Dan vanishing the quickest off the stage, we returned to the green rooms. I tugged a miserable looking Josh aside in the corridor.

“What is going on?” I muttered insistently. “This is the biggest night of your career so far, why have you got a face like a slapped arse?”

He glared at me briefly, like he wanted to retort but thought better of it.

“It’s getting worse, Dan is blatantly refusing to talk to me now, I think he’s getting out of here as soon as this tour is over with, and I mean for good.”

“He’ll come round, did you speak to them about the money thing?”

“So you’ll talk to her about it but not us?”

Dan appeared from around the side of the corridor, startling the two of us.

“Not that I’m surprised,” he muttered darkly.

“Guys don’t-”

“No Jase, I want this out in the open. I’ve wanted to talk about this for months but none of you will give me the time of day!” Josh snapped.

“And you did a few months ago? You couldn’t speak to anyone without having a go at them,” Dan retorted. I squirmed uncomfortably. I glanced down the corridor, hoping others would come out and help.

“I’ve said I’m fucking sorr-”

“Have you?” Dan asked quickly. “Cause that would be news to us, I don’t think I’ve actually heard it once, but maybe that’s because I’m not living in Josh land.”

Josh’s face hardened as Dan glared. The pair were sizing each other up.

Max came into the corridor from the nearest green room. He saw the expressions of his friends and hurried up to join me.

“What’s going on?”

“Our lead singer is realising that there are other people in ‘his’ band-”

“Oh shut up, you know it’s not like that-”

“Don’t tell me to shut up you pretentious prat!” Dan spat, you could visibly see months of contained anger bubbling to the surface. Dan was normally so cool, you could see it breaking. Josh looked like he was going to explode.

I took his arm in case he did anything stupid. Max seemed to think this too and stepped between them with his arms raised.

“Woah!” he yelled, looking between the two. “This is not what anyone needs right now.”

“No Max it needs to be fucking said!” Josh hissed. “I’m sick of pretending everyone’s getting along when everyone clearly hates me.”

“Jesus, you are so self centred Franceschi!”

The shouting was attracting more people. Matt and Chris came out with Emily and Georgina. Matt hurried up to help Max whilst Chris kept his distance. Everyone was looking startled. Elissa and Nathan appeared too.

“Well no one talks to me about anything so what am I meant to think?” Josh asked, his arm flexing in my hand. “You all just fucking bitch behind my back!”

“You went behind ours!” Dan raged. “You’re fucking taking half our profits for yoursel-”

“I’m not!” Josh yelled, breaking free of my grip to jab Dan in the chest. “I would never ever do that to you guys, and I refused to do it straight away! IF YOU’D JUST ASKED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU WOULD KNOW THAT!”

I don’t know if it was because of the heat or the moment or the yelling or just because he was in his face but Dan seized Josh by his collar and shoved him against the corridor wall. Too startled, Josh didn’t resist under his drummer’s strength. Everyone took a step forward at that point, Matt and Max pulling him backwards to little effect. After a moment of heated exchange, he dropped him down, looking unsure of himself.

Some of the members of Paramore as well as some management appeared at the end of the corridor, surprised by what they’d stumbled upon.

Josh shoved himself away from Dan and stalked down the end of the corridor, pushing past everyone who was stunned into a silence. Staring at the wall and breathing heavily, Dan collected himself and vanished past Paramore.