When I Grow Up, I Want to Be Famous

“Fuck me,” Max mouthed as I opened up the door to my new home. “This is fucking huge!”

“Parents got promoted.”

“Niiiiiice.”

I dumped my bag on the stairs along with my coat and made my way upstairs. Max followed me up without a word. I wasn’t sure what to expect from this new album. I wasn’t sure why Max was so desperate for me to hear it.

“So, how is every one?”

“Can we save it for after this? You’ll understand when you listen to this,” Max said hurriedly, not meeting my gaze as he picked up my laptop like there hadn’t been a huge rift between us for months. He treated my new room like he did my old. He fell backwards onto the bed and inserted the CD into my drive. I shut my bedroom door and shifted a few empty boxes that I hadn’t got around to moving yet. Max’s face was lit up by the screen of the laptop, even though it was the afternoon, it seemed St Albans wasn’t any sunnier than Weybridge, even in summer. I started tapping my foot impatiently and folded my arms when Max finally looked up.

“Right… I’m going to play them from bad to good okay? Remember this is Josh, once he writes something down he’s keen to stick to it, even he admits he’s an arse for writing it.”

“Wha-”

“Please just listen?” Max begged, sliding the laptop off his lap as he hit play. “This is ‘Taste’. Half filler.”

I vaguely smiled at Josh’s familiar term for a song that he’d made up but Max had said ‘half’. Uh oh.

Contrasting to my emotions, the guitar intro was light and breezy.

“And I'm watching you from a room with a view
Take it off, get some clues, your next source, your next move
We will watch, we will talk, we will talk
We will watch, we will talk, we will talk.”

Okay, so not too bad.

“Down on your knees, we can settle these debts in the sheets.
With some melodies.
The taste of your lips was a subtle hint, that you've been jumping ship.”

Ahh. I looked to Max and bit my lip. He shrugged apologetically.

“Wasn't more than you were expecting, wasn't more than you need
A sober safe bed keeps your head clear
And you know the rest.”

Oh God. I began pacing back and for. Admittedly, I’d had a bit too much that evening, but would that have stopped Alex kissing me? No.

“And I know I'm not the one you call when you are alone.”

I frowned at Josh’s slip in accent. His usual American style twang dipped into his familiar British one on the last word. Emotions caused him to slip up?My tummy twisted guiltily – Alex had been the one I texted when I needed to rant or was lonely because Josh was often busy.

“And everybody else has their own verse and
You have your own song, your song.”

“Bit late for that isn’t it?” I muttered, surprisingly angrily, to Max. There were already too many songs about me, looks like I had a few more to add to my list. He just grimaced in response.

“Down on your knees, we can settle these debts in the sheets.
With some melodies
The taste of your lips was a subtle hint, that you've been jumping ship.”

When it began repeating itself I looked to Max to tell him to skip to the next one. This had better be the worse one. I had not fucking been jumping ship! I did not cheat!

“Okay, this one.” Max’s nose wrinkled at the song. “Well… it’s a sort of combination of lyrics. He wrote different ones and different times and we all worked to put them together to make ‘If You Run’.”

I started at the sudden and brutal opening, almost falling backwards into my dresser. Max put the laptop on my bed and got up, pulling cigarettes out of his pocket. I pointed him over to the window where my chair was placed to climb up onto it.

“They say the problems come,
Come in pairs and I am number one.”

So I was number two. I sat on the edge of my dresser and frowned at the laptop – aiming at Josh.

“So take a look at your friends,
Oh, envy is a terrible thing.”

That was evidently aimed at my male friends. Alex’s presence had constantly caused suffering for Josh. So… had he not been pissed off I was with Alex, but… envious of him? That he was spending time with me? Max had said this was going to be horrible!

“Oh, you,
You're so smart,
So smart that you didn't call my bluff,
oh you,
you should just run..”

Ahh. There was a sneer to his voice and the image of Josh’s glower swam into view.

“If you run,
If you run,
If you run away you won't stay.”

Yes. I’d sort of avoided the problem. We both had. But Josh was right, because we didn’t fix it, we just ran away from the problem, we split.

“That's so cool.
Is it everything you wanted it to be?”

I thought I’d had an almost perfect life. Surrounded by friends that I loved even if they didn’t love each other, but it had always been like that. I’d known some girls that the guys had hated but they put up with it for me. Everyone had been forming their lives around my ‘perfect’ one. Guilt kicked like a blow to the gut.

“Are you scared?”

I glanced over at Max at the sound of his voice. He smirked and turned back out of the window to exhale the smoke.

“Sing, take it away take it away
It's so easy to stay, easy to stay
When you know everything.”

Neither of us had known the full story from the other side. Our resentful minds had controlled us and we never listened to each other. If we had listened, I would have ‘stayed’…

“Stop.”

Josh’s voice cut across my trail of thought.

“He put this in later,” Max quickly said.

“You had us all convinced,
That you were something,
Someone couldn't miss,
But what did we really miss?”

I wasn’t sure if it was an insult or a compliment. They’d thought I wasn’t miss-able until I’d gone? Huh, gee, thanks.

“You say you'll give it up and you'll give it up all the way
You say you'll give it up and you'll give it up all the way
Give it up and give it up and give it all away..”

That was me begging Josh, telling him I’d give up Alex for him.

“If you run,
If you run,
If you run away you won't stay.
That's so cool.
Is it everything you wanted it to be?
(Are you scared?)
Sing, take it away take it away,
It's so easy to stay, easy to stay,
When you know everything.”

“None of us know what this bit means,” Max said as he stared blankly at the screen, tapping at his fag until the ash fell down. I frowned at him, confused.

“I've got one good reason to keep you on your feet,
I've got another in the back home in the seat.”

This repeated itself over and over again, a growingly significant ‘You Me At Six’ trick. But it allowed me to mull over what Josh was trying to say.

“I've got one good reason to keep you on your feet,
I've got another in the back home in the seat.”

To keep me on my feet. That meant keeping me interested, right? And that reason was Alex, because Josh felt Alex wanted to take me away. If he’d succumbed and given in to Alex, he would have lost me? But I didn’t get the second line. I've got another in the back home in the seat? But- No… Could it be? More guys…? I remembered the attention I’d gotten on Valentine’s day, the druggie that had made a move on me, Josh had always been jealous of other men. I didn’t get that much attention did I?

Max just shrugged when I looked to him desperately.

“And you're so cool,
(Wooo!)”

In spite of my confused head I openly laughed at that part.

“Running around just running your mouth,
About your home town,
that's booing you know,
but you're so cool, you're so cool oh.”

Running my mouth? MY mouth?! I’d been trying to tell everyone my side of the story! No one would have it, they all hated me! Urggg!

“Running around just running your mouths
About your home town
that's booing you know
but you're so cool, you're so cool oh.”

“Next,” I spat bitterly as I got to my feet to pace.

Max jumped down from my window to select the next one, his fag still between his fingers.

“Uhh, let’s try ‘Take Off Your Colours’ a bit harsh but I swear it gets better. These are basically the order he wrote them in. It goes from hate to apology I swear.”

“Apology?” I gaped.

“Gimme a minute, just listen to this first.”

I obeyed, closing my mouth and following Max with my eyes as he climbed back onto my window sill.

“You’re not going to like this one,” he muttered as he put the cigarette to his lips. “He’s going to regret this one. This is the one when he wrote when he was really, really pissed off, so ignore some of his bull shit.”

There was a darker edge to Max’s tone that I hadn’t heard before, especially when referring to his best friend. He shook his head and inhaled.

“Those eyes you bought have gone to my head,
But they won't take you to my bed.”

Huh? Well that was a fucking lie.

“You talk a good game,
But girl you've been played.”

Max just shrugged and shook his head again.

“Look at this shade you choose to play,
The towns talk keeps me up to date,
We will never be the same.”

Okay that part was true. My envious shade hadn’t done either of us good and Josh, as much as I, had been fuelled on gossip everyone was spreading about us.

“This is a war.”

My eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“This is a heart
These are the strings you'll pull.”

I was starting to get angry. He wasn’t the only one who’d been fucking hurt! I never messed around with him for fun!

“These are the stakes
They have been raised,
It's your call.”

Our relationship had rested on me? On my mistakes? I jumped up and started pacing to stop from hitting something.

“Too much has changed,
I hate this place,
But I don't want to leave it this way.”

I knew Josh was starting to resent Weybridge, he hated the fake people there, I’d hated it there. It was too claustrophobic!

“So lets get it straight,
Without a thought I will take
I'll take it all away.”

“He took our relationship away without a thought?” I cried to Max who almost fell out of my window in surprise. He made to reply but I shushed up to listen to the next line.

“That's the price you pay for having luck in the first place.”

Luck? My luck fluctuated on a regular basis! Most of the time my luck was down right shit! It wasn’t luck. As if to answer my question, Josh replied:

“Call it what you want
I've spent too long under your thumb
And now the clouds haves had their say.”

Too long under my thumb? That’s how he saw our relationship?! The chorus cut across me before I could scream in anger. My heart was aching.

“I'll make a bet that says we don't leave this place as friends.
Are you comfortable,
Are you comfortable with this?
You play the lady
I'll play the gent
We will call it time well spent.
But I've been lying and you're gonna hate me for this.”

So what? We were going to split happily but Alex’s actions had pushed for Josh’s outburst and caused him to dump me?! I had talked to Max and Chris about splitting with Josh because of our issues, he’d been thinking the same? Oh man… I sunk down against the wall and closed my eyes. I banged my head against the wall. Why was Max showing me this?!

“This is the storm,
so let it pour and take over your shores.
Here comes the rain,
I'll have my day it's so sore.”

Too fucking right.

“Let it be heard,
Lessons to learn,
And it will never love like this again.”

“Really fucking right,” I sighed to myself, resting my head on my knees.

“Take off your colours
Who are you wearing them for?
Tick off your lovers,
All respect was left at the door.”

My head snapped up. WHAT?!

“My lovers?” I shouted furiously at Max. “What fucking lovers?”

Max didn’t know how to reply. He stared at me desperately, searching the air for an answer that wouldn’t come.

“I had front row seats to you on your knees,
It was everything I hoped it be.”

That was me begging to take me back. What an idiot I had been! I got my feet.

“Fucking Twat!” I shouted at the laptop.

Max beat me to it.

“Okay, that’s the sort of the gist of that song, it repeats itself!” He snatched it up before I could grab it and lob it out the open window. “Yeah, I thought you’d react like that, which is why I played it early. That’s the worst I swear!” He paused to focus on finding the next song as I paced back and for calming myself down. A softer intro started and began cooling me off. “This one’s more about everyone we’ve ever know that’s been fake but it may seem more like a direct attack at you.”

I nodded and focused when Josh started singing. I liked the melody of this one.

“All those dirty words that you said, did you mean them? Did you now?
You're biting at the hand that feeds you, like a stray for some scraps.”

That was the arguments. I’d really given shit to Josh at some points in our relationship. I sank back down onto my dresser with a sigh. My whole body seemed to weigh a thousand tonnes.

“Everybody you once knew has turned their backs.
And everyone you once loved has sold you out.”

I dropped my gaze to the carpet as my mouth automatically fell open slightly, my eyes stinging at the truth in his words.

“Everyone I know, they faked it from the word go and I need to know why,
That everyone I love has been swimming with the sharks and I don't know why.”

The sharks were everyone. Our old best friends - Charlie, Harry, Lewis Summer who had all sold out. Our old old friends Zac Lowe, Daz Williams, Jonzey, who had betrayed everyone for girls. It was even aimed at Katie and her selfish attitude. She’d faked everything just for ‘friendship’. It was even me. I was considered fake and a problem for Josh and his friends.

“Does defeat leave a taste in your mouth? One that you could live without?”

“Yes,” I answered miserably to myself so that Max couldn’t hear me. I’d been getting over it but it was still there, fresh and stinging.

“Everybody you once knew has turned their backs.
And everyone you once loved has sold you out.”

It was so truth. It was the bitter harsh brutal truth in song form. At least the band had acknowledged that. The chorus repeated again.

“Why do you try to let go of someone that you love?”

I looked up quickly to Max again. He smiled softly at me in a ‘told-you-so’ sort of look. Josh was struggling to let go of me? Not understanding why people did it? My heart lifted a quarter of an inch in my beating chest.

“So how does it feel? How does it feel?
How do you? How do you?
So how does it feel? How does it feel?
How do you? How do you?
How does it feel? How does it feel to you to you?”

“Personally,” Max interjected when Josh had finished the song. “I think he’s wondering if you’re suffering… because he is.”

“What?” I barely breathed.

“Of course he’s missing you Jase,” Max almost laughed. “Look, he wrote this one after I convinced him you’d done nothing wrong and that he needed you. He started showing some serious remorse, coming out of his deep depression mode.”

“Seriously?” I asked but Max shushed me as he put another one.

“This is… interesting. It sounds more horrible than it actually is. This was his in-between phase - a little pissed, a little sorry.”

Instantly, a roaring opening ripped at my speakers, blasting through my room. The cleverly crafted melody suddenly slowed down to the lyrics.

“I guess now is a good time to tell the truth,
The pedigree I carry will swallow you,”

His ancestry made him better than me? The Franceschi heritage made him stronger? Above me? I could feel anger starting to surface again.

“I am not what you are,
I am flawless in every way.”

“Hmph,” I grunted and Max laughed. I shot him a dangerous warning look. His lips tightened to hold back a smirk.

“Birds eye view,
I'm watching you.”

Max his pause.

“I didn’t get this at first. But do you remember at the party? At Samantha’s? In that back room where you were there was… like a balcony thing looking thing that lead from the stairs?”

“Yeah, I vaguel-”

“Dan and Josh were up there,” Max said bluntly.

“Josh saw me with those guys?” I asked awkwardly. “Nothing was going on between any of us.”

“I know…” He hit the play button again.

“Sad sad sight for the sore sore eyes and a headache for the weakest of
minds,
You got the boys the boys all tongue tied, but I know they're wasting
their time.”

“What am I? Some slag?” I asked defiantly. I wasn’t pleased with the way Josh was portraying me!

“Jase, don’t, he doesn’t mean a word of it now,” Max said sadly over the “Go, Go.”

“You can the ghost in my hall,
You can be the smile I don't want,
I will be the fly on your wall,
You can be the distance in between,
You can be everything I need,
You will be the girl I don't call,”

My hardened face fell slightly as I processed the words. Despite everything Josh was saying he was saying that he missed me but he was too stubborn to do it.

“Oh just imagine what I thought when I opened up that door
It was a million things to one.”

“I was wondering when he was going to mention that,” I whispered to Max. “You guys walked in on Alex kissing me.”

“Million things to one?”

“I don’t think he deep down believed you do it,” Max said softly with an encouraging smile. I returned it.

“And oh just imagine what they'll think,
When they see me lead you north,
Hell they'll be losing sleep.”

Max spoke over the chorus.

“I think,” he said slowly. “He’s trying to say he’s sorry but because of his previous aggressive behaviour, if he saw you again and tried to fix things, it would worry everyone. He’s being too stubborn to sort everything out.”

The song lifted into the bridge as I nodded where the guitars took centre stage.

“You can be ghost in my hall,
You can be the smile I don't want,
I will be the fly on your,” Josh sang more softly.

There was a ‘DING’ of the symbols before the song broke into the chorus again.

I thought that was it and was just about to tell Max to move onto the next one when Josh started singing something different.

“Jealous minds think alike.”

That was so true. It had ruined us.

“But you're a damn damn tie,
Wasting all my time,
You are in love.”

I agreed with the last line.

“He’s was frustrated by it all,” Max finally said as the song ended “But he loves you Jase, this song really killed him.”

I stared at Max for a long time as things processed over and over in my head. One thought battled another. My brain trying to figure Josh’s words out.

“Then he really started feeling guilt,” Max laughed and opened up the next song. “’Call That A Come Back’ one of my favourites weirdly enough. Mind you I think ‘Jealous Minds’ is my favourite, sorry.”

“Don’t be,” I whispered and sat down next to him. There were two un-listened to songs – ‘Blue Eyes Don’t Lie’ and ‘Always Attract’.

The guitar introduction was short and sweet.

“I've got a bad feeling,
That I went and got dirt on your name.”

“Really?” I muttered sarcastically, remembering Josh slagging me off to the whole town. I folded my arms and glared at the screen.

“And you swear you heard them say,
That is the guy who makes the biggest mistakes oh,
He said, she said, that I'm a joke,
The kind of hoax that leaves a lump in your throat.”

So people had been saying bad things about Josh too? People evidently didn’t like his malicious attitude to the break up.

“From what I hear I still maintain some class,”

But he was still liked and valued in the town.

“And if you let me be your first,
I swear I'll be your last.”

First mistake? First guy that actually loved me? He still wanted me. I smiled at the second meaning to that line. Josh had been my first… My cheeks reddened but Max didn’t notice.

“And all the rumours that you may have heard,
Have left a mark and striped you of your worth.”

I swallowed hard. I was fucked back home.

“And I never meant to go,
I'm leaving you the only way I know,
And I never meant to go,
I'm leaving you the only way I know.”

My aching heart eased and I could even feel sympathy evoked from within me. Max was right. This was an apology. Josh regretted it. Josh regrets it now.

“You've got a god feeling that
I went and got dirt on your name and
You swear you heard them say,
That giving up will be your biggest mistake.”

I held my tongue. I was on the verge of giving up before Max had arrived. Was Josh right, would it be a big mistake?

“I've got a spot for blondes and green eyes.”

My eyes widened. I was physically in his song! Both Max and I looked to the mirror opposite. My hair was fake blonde but Josh had known me with it for years and my dark green eyes…

“I am falling faster and it frames no surprise.”

“Still loves you,” Max whispered in a sing song voice and I smiled.

“Shallow is as shallow does,
And if you let me have my way,
I swear I'll tear you apart,
All I've got is what I bare in these arms,
The saddest part is that is not enough.”

It was enough. Everything Josh had given me was enough but… I’d never really acted like it. My eyes and nose stung with tears as my throat closed, choking me.

“And everybody knows.”

“He tried making amends with everyone,” Max explained. “He tried taking back what he’d done.”

“And all I've got is what you don't,
Wanna know where I will go,
The saddest part is I am not with you.”

Fuck. My heart leaped into my closed throat and I thought I was about to sob uncontrollably but I regained my composure.

“You're a champ,
Itching for comeback,
But you're an inch, an inch away.”

I’d fought him back home after the break up. We’d shouted and argued but I could never have the last word.

“You're a champ itching for a comeback so stay.”

Max had been watching me through the end of that song, with an uncomfortable grimace on his face.

“Right,” I finally said slowly and was surprised to find my breath ragged.

“Next one?” he asked cautiously and I nodded. The sun was setting over the houses casting the sky in the shade of baby pink from my dreams. “Half filler. The end is his lyrics that he jotted down but he couldn’t find a song to put them in. Actually, I’ll just skip to the end. Actually no… here…”

He cut to the end of the song. There was a soft rhythmic beat.

“Cowards are golden,
I know the words hurt,
Bones we can fix,
Lessons we'll learn.”

Confusion flickered across my features, my mind, my heart, before happiness replaced the negative. This repeated over and over again until he sung: “You mean more,” over and over again.

I almost squealed with delight and I started grinning like an idiot. He loved me. He wanted me. This is why Max was showing me all this!

I hugged him and kissed him on the side of the cheek.

“Woah! Hold on, there’s one more and this is going to be your favourite,” Max said quickly, laughing and skipping to the final song. ‘Always Attract’.

As a soft acoustic guitar rhythm started to play Max started explaining it.

“He wrote this a while ago, before you broke up, not long before but he finished it when you did, adding bits or altering the verses but he still believes every word.”

“Does anyone know you’re here?” I asked suddenly as the realisation struck me but he shook his head.

Josh’s soft voice distracted me.

“If it hurts this much,
Then it must be love.”

Aww crap, this was going to make me cry. I got to my feet again and started walking to stop the tears escaping.

“And it's a lottery,
I can't wait to draw your name.”

I stared at the back of my laptop, a small smile gently lifting every aspect of me. I loved that line.

“Oh I'm trying to get to you,
But time isn't on my side.
If the truth's the worst I can do,
then I guess that I have lied.”

I swallowed the rising lump in my throat and continued walking and listening.

“Keeping me awake,
It's been like this now for days.”

Max mouthed ‘added this in’. Josh had been losing as much sleep over me as I did him? I felt pleased and bad at the same time. I wouldn’t wish my suffering on anyone – especially someone I loved.

“My heart is out at sea,
My head all over the place

I'm losing sense of time,
And everything tastes the same.”

A tear escaped the corner of my eye and I blinked rapidly.

“I'll be home in a day,
I fear that’s a month too late.”

I guessed that was from when he was touring. He was always away when I wanted and needed him the most. He had acknowledged that. I wanted nothing more than to find Josh, to hug him, to hold him.

“That night I slept,
On your side of the bed so,
It was ready when you got home
We're like noughts and crosses in that,
Opposites always attract.”

I let out a watery laugh, smiling uncontrollably with relief and delight. Josh had it so right. We were definitely opposites but so similar in other respects. Our conflicts of personalities and beliefs had fucked up our relationship. We had learnt from it for the better though. I was in love with the guitar melody – it was so soft and beautiful.

“You've taken me to the top,
And let me fall back south.
You've had me at the top of the pile,
And then had me kissing the ground.”

Again, remorse twisted in the pit of my stomach. I had never intentionally meant to hurt Josh. I’d never wanted to make him suffer. I’d never deliberately messed him around. I needed to learn to be a better girlfriend. Although, the line demonstrate how deep this boys commitment and love for me. Oh shit, I felt so bad.

“We've heard and seen it all,
No one's talked us out.
The problems that have come,
Haven't yet torn us down.”

That was evidently an old line. Everything we had battled. Alex, Tash, Nia, our arguments, fake friends – none of them had ruined us up until that night.

“Am I keeping you awake?”

I stopped walking, completely stunned by what I heard. A beautiful feminine voice harmonised with Josh’s.

“Is that-”

“Elissa, yep,” Max answered, smiling at me.

“Oh my god!”

“If I am then just say.
You can make your own decisions; you can make your own mistakes.”

It was beautiful. I was actually so excited by this sibling collaboration. Elissa Franceschi was as equally talented as her brother. Her musical talent and voice had always stunned me.

“I'll live and let die all the promises you made,
But if you lie another time, it'll be a lie that's too late.”

I bit back a fresh wave of tears and I lost myself inside my own thoughts. I wanted him back. I thought the song was at an end but a small rhythm picked up. Max was watching the screen again, smiling to himself.

“You always have your way.”

As much as it pained me to admit it. Josh was right, until now that was…

“For now it's too soon for you to say,
Will we be always, always?”

Finally unable to take it anymore, my emotions got the better of me and I dissolved into a mess. Max got up and pulled me into a tight hug as Josh and Elissa’s voices, along with a stronger musical wave from the rest of the band, filled my bedroom. Everything I’d kept under my lid these past months flooded out in front of Max. I wanted everyone back.

I started to calm myself as Josh started singing: “You've had your way…”

“And now he had his way,” I whispered to Max miserably.

“Jase, are you nuts? He wants you as badly as you want him. That’s why I came up today. He’s a fucking mess and I can’t sit around and see my best friend like that when I know it can be fixed. Jasey, we all miss you, we really need you back,” Max said kindly, his face bright and shining with genuine glee.

I half smiled.

“Thank you Max. Thank you for bringing me the songs and for seeing me but… I’m here now, I can’t move back, my parents are paying for this really nice school and-”

“I know, I know,” Max said quietly. The room eerily quiet for the first time in about an hour. “But it isn’t that far a train journey and some of us can drive or will be able to in the future. You need each other, please?”

“Max, I want it more than anything bu-”

“There are no buts,” Max said crossly. “You love each other and that’s all the fuck that matters! We can make this work, look, no don’t interrupt, come to the Kerrang! Awards? Please? It’s next week and you’ll be able to dress up nice, see everyone and support us-”

“Hang on! You’re getting an award?!” I gaped at him, everything else forgotten.

“Nominated, ‘Best British Band’,” he said proudly, his eyes gleaming. “Please, it’s the best time to do it! Believe me Jasey, he wants you back. Chris, Dan and Matt want you back. Even the girls came around after I explained things. Emily is missing you like hell! Maybe even more than Josh.” He paused thoughtfully and made me laugh. “Athina and Georgina too.”

I sighed. “Okay, okay.”

“Great!” Max cried, his face instantly lit up with accomplishment. Max had succeeded his mission. He was one step closer to fixing all our lives.