When I Grow Up, I Want to Be Famous

And so my work picked up... as my social life declined miserably. My mother’s message was finally sinking in. She was right, as usual, I needed to focus on my work. This was one of the most important times of my life and it was... unfortunate that the friends I wanted to be around were miles away. My family were expecting things from me and I wasn’t going to let them or myself down. I was being pushed to the limit. In college, I’d honestly been given sod all work to do but this expensive 6th form was intense! I was set something every single night.

Whilst my new friends were becoming happier with me, my older friends were missing my absence bitterly. Alice soon became my new Emily, who was as swept away as I was after finally starting her uni course to become a doctor. I soon realised Athina was the last ‘best-friend’ girl left that wasn’t dating a member of the band. My mind often wandered over who they would make friends with to fill the female gap. This bothered me a little. Alice reassured me that they had good taste in girls, she loved Athina, Emily and Georgina, and after hearing upon the previous bitches, she emphasises that they would have learnt their lesson.

It was weeks before I went back to Surrey. I was so caught up in work. Athina, Josh and Max asked me down every single weekend but I just couldn’t do. I couldn’t afford to catch the train down, I was yet to pass my driving test and it wasn’t like I had a day without work. I was becoming increasingly stressed. Josh’s optimistic phone calls weren’t helping.

“Hey Jase, are you free this weekend?” God he sounded so excited. My heart sank and I opened my mouth to reject him but he carried on in a rush. “We’re doing this performance on the 29th instore at Banquet Records for the release of Jealous Minds. Slam Dunk arranged the whole thing, we’re so pumped, we’re gonna do like a signing thing and a like acoustic performance of the song... Jase, you there?”

“Yeah,” I laughed my heart sinking at the excitement in his voice. “You’re not letting me speak.”

“Oh right, sorry, I’m just so hyped about all this, I just like literally got off the phone with Bobby. What train do you think you’ll catch? I was thinking, my rents said you could stay over the night before, the spare room this time,” he broke off in a chuckle.

I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go. I had a geography essay and three pages of art to do. “Josh, I’m really sorry, I’ve got a lot of work to do.”

“So? Do it Monday, bring it with you, I don’t care, I was you there Jase,” he said quickly and firmly but there was this edge to his voice, this sense of strong longing. The subtle disappointment in his voice was a like a strong aftertaste.

It was so tempting but there was no way my mother was going to allow it.

“I really, really can’t Josh, I’m so sorry!”

“Yeah.” That’s all he said and I heard him sigh. “So... when do you think you’ll be down next?”

“Umm,” I chewed on my lower lip. “Definitely half term-”

“Half term?! You’re kidding right?”

“Let me finish, I don’t know how school’s gonna pan out and how my mother’s going to react yet, it may be next weekend, but I can’t promise anything except half term.”

I heard him grumble on the other end.

“Sorry,” I said quietly, sinking onto the end of my bed, pulling my knees to my chest. “I miss you.”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “I miss you too... Can’t you move back?”

“We’ve been over this a million times,” I muttered miserably. “I just can’t.”

He grunted and then fell silent. I didn’t want to bring up it was his fault that I’d moved away. I held my tongue and waited for some sign of response.

“Alright,” he finally said after a minute of silence. “I’ll see you when I see you I guess...”

“Yeah,” I agreed with a defeated sigh. “Talk to you tomorrow. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

***

Pining to get a glimpse of the guys, I kept borrowing Alice’s Kerrang and left the station on the TV all the time in hope they might get played. I even turned on the ‘5:19 Show’ on BBC Two towards the end of October. Mia and Sophie were snoring softly on my floor. Lacey had vanished for a cup of tea and Alice’s sleepy eyes widened when they came on screen. Even I’d been a little shocked when Josh had told me they were going on. It was a little nuts...

“So, how are you handling this distance thing?” Lacey asked when she spotted the band on the TV. Her eyes stayed a little too glued on Dan when he spoke. I suddenly thought of Emily. Fuck! Had anything developed? I hadn’t had chance to ask her! I was guessing they were just mates as she’d gone off to do some serious studying now and Dan was always travelling. Maybe that night had been an escape for them both. I’d send her a text later.

“Badly,” I admitted. “I miss them. It’s hard. I know people get over their friends when they move but they’ve always been really close... and I mean, I’m in love with Josh. I wish I could see him more but with school and my mother threatening to rip my head off.”

“It’s getting harder?” Alice asked coldly. I turned to look at her bitter face, now fully awake. There was a story in her set features. “Arguments? Silly stuff really? Like he’s not understanding?”

“Yeah,” I breathed, keeping my eyes on her. “Al, how do you-”

“Alice tried a long distance relationship,” Lacey said quickly, like she couldn’t hold it in.

“What?” I asked, turning to Alice.

She glanced down at my covers, tracing the floral pattern with her finger.

“It doesn’t work,” she grumbled. “I fell for this prick after meeting him on holiday. It was stupid. I fell completely head over heels for him and he was my.... well, first.” Her cheeks flushed red. My heart sunk. I could see where this was going. “I came back. I’d text him every single day. MySpace him but I never really got good replies, then they just stopped all together... He was always ‘busy’. Everything was my fault, we fell out over stupid things. Next photo I saw of him he had his lips glued to some Barbie blonde tart.” She glared at my bed, her eyebrows creasing together like she wanted to rip something apart. I swallowed and my lips parted to breathe. Oh bless Alice...

“Alice, I’m really sorry,” I whispered.

“Yeah, well, live and learn and all that shit,” she grunted, still staring at my bed, determined not to look at any of us in the eye.

“Oh look,” Sophie said loudly to distract us all. She pointed at the TV, the guys were now doing an acoustic set of ‘Jealous Minds Think Alike.’ I stared at Josh as he sung, my eyes not really focusing on him as Alice’s story sunk in. The line “You’ll be the girl I don’t call” made me blink and a hard lump formed in my throat.

“He doesn’t look very happy,” Lacey commented, cocking her head to one side as she watched the performance.

“Course he’s not,” Sophie said with a smile. “He’s missing Jasey!”

“Or wondering how he can carry on like this,” Alice muttered and only I heard her. I froze. Fear and worry stirred in my stomach at that moment and I wanted to throw up. I shot her a frown but she wasn’t looking at me. I hit the TV off and got up.

“Breakfast anyone?”

***

“The one flaw of a girl school, no boys.” Lacey grumbled but then wet her lips and split into a grin. “Thank God for weekends”

“You sure this is going to work?” I asked, glancing at the ID I’d borrowed to get into clubs with the girls. Her hair nose was larger than mine and her eyes a shade lighter. I’d done my face up enough to conceal too much anyway.

“One hundred percent,” Lacey promised and Alice rolled her eyes.

“It does work, but they hardly ask in this place anyway.” She nodded to the ‘Havana’ just down the road.

“Cheer up,” I squeezed her arm and she smiled at me. I patted down the hem of my cream strapless dress down nervously whilst Lacey strutted forward, eyeing the queue of people outside.

“Connor!” she called, spotting a chiselled, and admittedly handsome, blonde boy towards the front. His face split into a grin at the sight of her.

“Lacey! Haven’t seen you in a while.” His eyes dropped over her tight fitting purple dress to her three inch heels that she’d been wearing for a good two hours already. How she managed it I’ll never know. I’d only just put mine on and I was in agony. Lacey did her usual seduction technique where it appeared every inch of her skin was smouldering. I glanced at Alice who was staring at her incredulously. Connor glanced behind her and at us all –this only seemed to enlighten him further.

“Just out with the girls tonight?” Ahh, he was hoping she was single. “Come join us.”

Without breaking eye contact with him, she stepped forward and took his outstretched hand. With an silent sigh, we all followed behind her. I realised Lacey was one of those girls I’d never liked. She wasn’t far off Nia or Tash with her attitudes. Lacey was extremely flirtatious and curvy and wore a bit too much make up but she wouldn’t intentionally hurt anyone. She used her appeal to boys as a gain but never abused that. She was now talking animatedly to Connor – they were actual friends then. Grace and Sophie were talking to each other, eyeing the muscle olive toned guy behind Connor. I turned away from them to speak to Alice. We got in about fifteen minutes later. I had a really nice time – trying to focus on dancing with the girls but I couldn’t shake the one boy who had been hovering me all evening. He was about a foot taller than me, with square shoulders, dark eyebrows that matched the roots of his surfer curly blonde hair – he was a fake like me. He had good balanced features and eyes greener than my own, a sort of dark moss colour. I wanted to avoid him. He seemed a bit too interested in me and I wasn’t up for going down the past mistakes like Alex had been.

I kept pulling one of the girls over to dance with me or to the bathroom when he got too near. I stuck out of luck. Grace, Sophie and Mia were now drunkenly bickering about who the olive toned boy was interested in. Alice was pulled away to dance by one of Connors mate’s he’d met inside, a dark twenty year old footballer. Lacey was still animatedly talking to Connor. Fuck.

The boy I’d tried to be avoiding sat down next to me and I internally groaned. I forced a smile at him.

“You’re trying to avoid me,” he said it like a statement not a question, but he smiled all the same. I pretended to look shocked, like the idea was ridiculous and began spluttering and frowning. He laughed at my futile attempts. “Am I that repelling?”

I smiled in a sign of apology.

“No, it’s just... complicated. I’ve got a boyfriend.”

“Who said I was after that?” he laughed, taking a swig of his drink. I blushed heavily and buried my face in my hands.

“Sorry, bad experiences I guess.

“Harry,” he said, offering his hand. “The guy who doesn’t come to clubs just to hook up.”

“Jasey,” I said. “The girl who feels like an idiot.”

He laughed at me again and shook my hand.

“All my mate’s seem too interested in girls and you seemed like you couldn’t be bothered with any of it. I’m guessing you go to the all girls place right? You don’t have many guy friends?”

“Actually,” I said defensively. “I’ve got more than girls.”

“Oh,” his eyebrows shot up in surprise and his eyes were struggling to hide his disappointment.

“They’re just not from around here,” I added and looked down at my drink. “They’re back in Surrey.”

“Back in Surrey?”

“Yeah, I moved up here about 6 months ago.”

“Ohh cool, parents get a new job or...?” he asked curiously, genuinely looking interested. I my fingers tightened around my drink awkwardly. I wasn’t about to go into this.

“Like I said before, it’s complicated.”

“Right,” he said quickly, straighten up and nodding dismissively. He took in my face, his forehead creasing slightly as his eyes narrowed. I licked my lips and stared at my drink. “And the boyf is back down there, right?”

I took a deep sigh, tightened my lips and then nodded.

“Ahh, problematic.” He mouth slanted into an awkward and apologetic expression.

“Problematic,” I agreed and took a very, very long sip from my drink.

“Sure I can’t persuade you to a dance? You look like you need it,” he chuckled, half getting up.

I hesitated, glancing around the room.

“I promise to keep my hands to myself,” he laughed and I smiled back ruefully. “Come on, what’s the harm?”

He held my gaze, and I took a long steady breath to make up my mind. Exactly, what was the harm. I got up out of my chair and headed over to the dance floor with him. Alarm bells were drowned out by the alcohol in my system. I didn’t want another Alex.

***

“Hello?” I croaked, the phone slipping from my fingers as I held it to my ear. I gripped it tighter, rolling onto my side.

“Jase? Shit, you alright?”

“What?” I groaned, not really comprehending the voice or the words. Each of their syllables was a like someone was hitting me hard in the head. “Owww.”

“Jasey?” Josh.

“Stop shouting!” I hissed, rubbing my eyes and rolling onto my back.

“Sorry, are you alright?”

“Bad hangover,” I muttered, rubbing the bridge between my nose.

“I thought you had a brilliant tolerance to alcohol,” he teased down the other end.

“Yeah,” I groaned. “It’s slipping. I didn’t think I’d drunk that much last night.”

“Sounds like you had fun,” he said but there was something in his voice.

“It was alright,” I said quickly. “How’re you?”

“I’m alright, it’s pretty quiet around here without you.” I couldn’t be arsed to work out if that was a swipe at me or not. I decided to ignore it. “Jase?”

“Sorry, uhhh, can’t I call you back later? My head is killing me at the moment,” I moaned and buried my face into my pillow.

“Ohh... Okay.” I was too tired and in too much pain to notice the heavy disappointment in his voice.

“Cheers, speak to you later.” And I hung up without so much as a thought about what I was doing. I fell back asleep within minutes.

I woke up two hours later but my head was still pounding. I got up, made a coffee, flicked through ‘Glamour’, it was slowly replacing ‘Kerrang!’, and then decided to go have a shower to see if it would wake me up better. It did and after my normal routine of getting ready, there was this nagging sensation in the back of my head like I had to do something but I couldn’t work out what it was. Then Alice called, erasing all thoughts from my mind, like a dream that slipped through my very fingers.

“Oh thank God,” Erin muttered as I walked through the door later that evening. I frowned at her, slipping out of my jacket and dropping my bag on the stairs. “Where’ve you been?”

“Cinema, why what’s wrong?”

“Mum is going to kick off if he rings one more time,” Erin said quickly and bluntly, looking over her shoulder for mum just in case she was nearby.

“What- Who? Josh? Why’s he so despera- Oh my phone’s on silent, hang on,” I sighed and began searching through my bag for my phone. I flicked it open and sure enough I had several missed calls. “Woops.”

I hit the dial button and darted up the stairs.

“Finally,” he grunted.

“Hello to you too,” I retorted, coming to a stop at the top of stairs out of shock.

“Are you going to explain why you’re ringing back at eleven o’clock?” he asked bitterly.

“Explain? I don’t have to explain anything! What are you- Oh fuck!” My breath caught in my throat and my mouth fell open in horror.

“Caught on?”

“Oh shit,” I hissed, slapping my palm to my forehead and running it over my eyes. “Oh Josh I’m so sorry, I completely forgot!”

“Yeah, that seems to be the story these days,” he snapped. “Out of sight, out of mind.”

“No it’s not like that, I just got distracted, you woke me at a bizarre hour this morning, I was half conscious,” I said hurriedly, stumbling over my words to try and explain.

“From partying too hard last night?” he asked dryly. “Oh save it Jase, I can’t be arsed for this. Dan looks like he’s about to kill me if I keep him up longer. We’re on tour, or have you forgotten that as well? It’s been going great, thanks for asking!”

“Josh-”

“Never mind, bye.” And he hung up on me. My grip tightened on my phone and the sudden urge to crush it overwhelmed me. Frustration rose but fell in my system, like cold water trickling down my chest until the icy guilt settled in my stomach.

***

“What’s up with you Jase?” Mia asked, sucking on the straw of her strawberry Frappachino. I just swirled my green straw around in the vanilla mess that was now both cream and frappe. I frowned at my drink. Poo. I liked the cream.

“Nothing, I haven’t heard off Josh in a few days,” I answered, still swirling my pathetic drink. Alice half smiled but before I could snap at her for it Lacey came jumping over to our table.

“Hello!”

“So this is why you couldn’t come with us shopping today,” Alice said indignantly, glancing behind her at her company. It was Connor and Harry. I looked up at the two boys. Harry smiled at me. I didn’t need this right now.

“What’s up with you Warne?”

Harry was the first person in St Albans to call me by my last name, only back in Weybridge did they do that. I remembered when Josh and Max had started doing that in early secondary school. My stomach panged and I just stared at him in surprise. My brain was taking a while to reach my mouth.

“What’s wrong with her?” he asked, pulling up a chair in between Alice and I. My brain still wasn’t working and I just glared at him.

“Love pains,” Grace answered, smacking her lips as she finished her coffee. I shot her a sarcastic ‘thank you’ look and she winked at me. Then she turned to meaningfully look at Alice. What the hell was going on? I looked to Alice, she was staring at the back of Harry’s head with a expression of horror.

“Ahh you didn’t break up with the boyfriend did you?” he asked me quietly, his voice rich with concern.

“No,” I snapped indignantly. “Sorry,” I muttered when he looked surprised. Oh fuck. Josh used to do that when I shouted at him back when we were friends. I shook my head and distracted myself with my drink again. I was going mental.

“Sorry guys,” Alice said quickly, glancing at her watch. “We’re leaving in a second, got to run and all.”

I looked up in surprise, we’d only finished half our drinks, except Grace who just inhaled coffee.

“What’s the rush?” Lacey argued, taking a sip from Connor’s caramel frappachino.

“Oh never mind,” Alice sighed, sinking into her chair with an air of defeat. What on earth was up with Alice?

“You fancy coming to the Halloween party in town? And then back to Connors?” Harry asked Alice and I.

“Uhhh,” I said.

“Yeah! Oh yeah I forgot to ask you,” Lacey interrupted, clearly overhearing our conversation. “Loads of girls from our sixth form are going along with some of the guys from the local comp.”

“I’m in,” Sophia snapped quickly, splitting into a smile.

“Me too,” Mia seconded just as quickly.

“Uhh, yeah sure,” I answered to the table. “Fancy dress?”

Slightly more pleased with my responses I got into perkier fluid conversation with Harry and Alice. The conversation stopped when Harry stared behind me, trailing off the end of his sentence. Before I could turn around, someone placed a steaming, take away coffee in front of me.

“Peace offering?” I spun around in my chair, almost knocking my other drink over Harry.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I gasped, regaining my grip on my chair.

“We seriously need to sort this ‘Hello Josh, nice to see you’ thing when we talk,” he chuckled but he looked so happy to see me, I couldn’t find any sense of anger towards me. Seemed like I was forgiven.

I got up out of my chair and hugged him. He smelled a mixture of home and Josh that settled me into a comfy ease at once.

“Oh God it’s so good to see you,” I whispered. “But what are you doing here?”

“Headlining London tonight, thought we’d catch the train up to say hello to surprise you, treat from the rents,” he answered. I almost squealed with happiness. “Fancy coming to the show tonight? You’re all welcome too,” he added to those behind me, watching us quietly. His eyes settled on Harry and his smile faulted.

“That’d be great,” Alice answered for the group. “Thank you.”

“Well, you did help us out,” Josh told her. “Nice to see you again by the way.”

She grinned at him.

“When you say ‘we caught the train up’...?”

“Dan and Max are here too, but they said they’d give us an hour alone before pestering us,” he answered.

“Brilliant, girls, I’ll meet you tonight at mine, say five?”

There was a chorus of agreements and well wishes. My eyes fell on Harry last who was watching Josh carefully. I grabbed my coffee and then retreated through the Starbucks with Josh.

“New friends?” he asked casually, holding the door open for me.

“Yeah,” I answered airily. “Lacey’s dating Connor and that’s his friend Harry.”

“Right,” Josh said smoothly, nodding but I could see his jaw clenched.

“So,” I said hurriedly, wanting to change the conversation quickly. “Where are you playing tonight?”

“London Astoria, it’s getting knocked down next year and I’ve always wanted to headline it,” he said cheerfully, sliding his fingers through mine with a dazed grin on his face. “And we finally get to.”

“You’ve got to good places really quickly,” I agreed, watching him as we walked. “I have no idea how.”

He glared at me side wards at my tease but took it on the chin. I pulled him towards the nearest door because it was starting to rain. We walked through the inside of the market, wandering and catching up. We hadn’t seen each other in... almost a month! Then I started to notice a small group of people following us a few steps back. I could hear snickering and giggling. I subtly glanced over their colourful hair, obscuring bangs, skinnies and one of them was wearing a ‘My Chemical Romance’ shirt. Fan girls. Josh was nice and oblivious, going into detail about how Elissa was getting on. She was still song writing at the moment and she was on tour with them to do a few dates, singing on ‘Always Attract’.

“Uhh, Josh,” I whispered, close to his ear, trying to be discreet. I tucked my hair behind my own nervously. “We’re being followed.”

His forehead creased briefly and then turned around. His expression relaxed and he smiled at the girls. He stepped in front of me, still holding my hand. I glanced around awkwardly. One of them stepped forward confidently.

“Sorry, are you Josh Franceschi?”

“Yeah,” he answered cheerfully. “You alright?”

I looked over his shoulder carefully. Two towards the back were... glaring at me. What the hell?

“Could we have a photo?” she asked, pleased at his reaction.

“Yeah sure thing,” he said and his hand slipped from mine. I stepped back and folded my arms patiently.

They grouped together around him and one of them took the snap. I wasn’t sure if I was in the shot or not.

“Thank you!” the smallest one squealed, taking the camera from her friend. She then turned to look at me. Her eyes scanned over me from head to toe and she grimaced. The other two, the ones not talking to Josh, were whispering to each other and one snickered. My mouth fell open to say something but Josh took my hand again, oblivious to the looks I was getting, thanking them and turning to leave with me.

He was trying not to smile but failed miserably as we carried on down the strip of shops. I decided not to kill his mood by mentioning the treatment I was receiving from his ‘fans’.

“Can we pull in here?” I asked, dragging him to Topshop when the most beautiful top caught my eye in the display window. I also highly doubted any fans would be in the shop.

We caught up with Dan and Max about an hour later for lunch in Wagamamas. None of the guys had been there before and I wanted to introduce them to the beautiful food they created. I heard all the tour stories as I indulged in my noodles. Fiona, Josh and I’s old film studies friend from college, was with them on tour to film the dates. Emily was also coming to the gig that evening. I was extremely excited by the time we’d paid for the bill. I said goodbye to the guys at the train station before running off to catch my bus home.

***

“I don’t think I’m ever going to get tired of this,” I muttered, watching the crew change the equipment over. There was this buzz of noise rolling off the crowd – seeping with such potent excitement, I could almost taste it. I shivered.

“Who’s dream is this?” Nathan asked having caught my musings whist picking up a load of cables.

“What?”

“I think it’s the band who’s never meant to get tired of this,” he said with a cheeky grin. “Their hard work and efforts? They get to reap the rewards.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” I retreated quickly.

“You may get a glimpse of the glamour dating the lead singer and all but us crew members do this for the music,” he said sarcastically, picking up an amp with a grunt.

“No Nath, that’s not what I meant!” I called after him in frustration. Glamour? What glamour? Sure, I enjoyed a few perks, getting to go backstage to things was cool but I knew most of the guys way before any of this had started! And after the looks I got from the fans earlier, I was sure there was no way in hell I wanted to divulge into too much publicly with the band.

“What’s wrong?” Emily asked, tipping a bottle of Stella back as she glared after Nathan. “Is he being his usual twat self?”

“What’s the deal with you and Nath? You seemed fine in the summer?”

“Urggg, he’s getting on my nerves. There’s only so much bullshit flirting I can take, I know he does it with everyone, but it’s really intense with me. He doesn’t get the message that enough is enough,” she growled.

“Maybe he fancies you,” Alice offered, appearing with Athina at my side with a drink for me. I took it without thinking.

“Yeah, that would explain a lot,” Athina said with a teasing smile.

“I bloody hope not, that’s all I need is a perv on my case,” she sighed.

“He’s not that bad,” I laughed but it faltered when she started to rub her forehead. “You’re supposed to be relaxing and enjoying yourself.”

“I know, just a bit stressed I guess, this has been my first real night off since I started Uni, God it’s hard work,” she moaned. “I really owe the guys for this, I need it. Dan sweet talked me into it.”

I smiled but said no more on the subject. Emily and the boys she liked was a subject best avoided.

“There you are,” Chris said in surprise, appearing suddenly and making us all turn around. Georgie was just behind him. I grinned at her. I loved old familiar faces.

“We abandoned the green room,” Emily explained. “Too full and we don’t like to interrupt your psyche up session. Max doesn’t stop buzzing around the room, Dan hits everything he can with his sticks and Josh turns into a stressy drama queen.”

Chris and I started laughing in agreement at her words.

“Who’s a drama queen?” Max asked, appearing at Georgina’s shoulder.

“You are Maxy boy,” she said, nudging him.

“Well obviously,” he said dramatically, rolling his eyes and bouncing up and down on the spot. “I thought we were having a nice bitching session though.”

“Just get on stage?” I asked with a grin, secretly wanting to do nothing more than to hold him down. Admittedly his anticipation and nerves were infectious. I knew I’d never reach the emotion the band was feeling but I couldn’t help feel the rush of adrenalin and sheer fright.

Josh then came along with Dan both of them laughing and beaming. He pulled me over from the others quickly. He was vibrating just like Max. I’d never ever seen him this happy before a show before – Emily’s description of his reserved behaviour was true.

“Are you drunk?” I quickly asked, surprised but pleased to see him like this.

“No, I’m just in a really good mood, final night, we get to headline a venue I’ve always dreamed of and my favourite people are here!” he said very, very quickly before sweeping down to kiss me full on the mouth, cutting across my response. His contagious mood had me giddy in seconds and vanished before I could collect my thoughts properly. Amused but confused, I steadied myself and turned around just to see them all burst onto stage.

It was one of their best shows to date. I hadn’t listened to their stuff in a while but could still mouth along to each one. You could almost taste the excitement around us. It was pure bliss. The guys gave it their everything, they must have had a really good tour and Josh didn’t stop smiling once. Max was playing his heart out, his fingers were surely going to be bleeding by the end. Dan was a blur, putting so much effort into each beat. Chris was moshing at every opportunity, his fingers as rapid as Max’s. Matt rarely looked up from his base – giving it his entire focus. They were doing really well up to the point of playing ‘Always Attract’. I don’t know if it was because Josh was on such a high or...

I didn’t notice anything at first, muttering under my breath with Josh as the entire room was.

“If it hurts this much then it must be love.” I couldn’t help but smile. I had a mild flashback of emotion to when I’d first listened to this. My damaged heart had twanged the ever present knot in my stomach. I had brief reminder of the sensation and automatically clutched my tummy.

“And it's a lottery, I can't wait to draw your name
Oh, I'm trying to get to you but time isn't on my side
If the truth's the worst I can do then I guess that I have lied.” I hadn’t expected to well up but the emotion was getting to me. I absolutely loved Josh and this was the first time I’d seen him in ages. The impact of the situation finally hit. I took a step back from everyone, my eyes glued on him.

“Am I keeping you awake? If I am then just say
You can make your own decisions, you can make your own mistakes.” Then I realised he’d gone wrong because my brain was telling to sing different words. Matt and Chris exchanged a glance but continued playing. Dan looked up from his drums to frown. Max looked into the wings at us and shrugged. Athina and Georgina were frowning too.

“I'll live and let die all the promises you made,
But if you lie another time- Bugger I just fucked up.”

Small bursts of laughter and cheering encouraged the cringing Josh. Still his smile didn’t falter, he just stepped back, ran his hand awkwardly through his hair and glared at the floor. He took it in his stride and then looked back up.

“That night I slept on your side of the bed,
So it was ready when you got home,
We're like noughts and crosses.” He turned around, not looking at the audience and then searched the wings, looking for me. I smiled encouragingly. “In that opposites always attract.”

He smiled softly back, pushing my emotions over the edge and then went to apologise to his audience.

“I got the verses mixed up London.”

“You alright Jase?” Elissa asked. Where’d she come from?!

I wiped away a small tear and smiled at her.

“Yeah, been a long week,” I lied quickly, rubbing my forehead. “Where’d you come from?”

“Been up with the family in the Gods.”

“Sing along, let’s make it loud!” Josh called out to his audience.

“That’s my cue,” she whispered, taking to the stage to tremendous cheers. The rest of the song was perfect with Franceschi siblings killing it.

I still felt emotionally shaken when the show finished and they came off all sweaty and elated. The crew and guests all hugged them before they exited to the green room to calm down. I left with Alice, Athina, Emily, Elissa and Georgina to wait down the corridor.

“Jesus, he’s actually crazy about you,” Alice said to me.

“Of course he’s crazy about her! He has been since he realised he loved her for... all of his childhood.”

“I know but it was so blatant this evening. He fucked up on the one song that is definitely written about you-”

“Believe me Al, a lot of them are about her,” Emily muttered.

“I know but that’s the... nice one, the one where he basically screams ‘I love you’ to the world. His mind was evidently wandering this evening.”

“He’s been incredibly happy all day,” Elissa agreed. “He’s been a miserable twat for the rest of the tour.”

I smiled but it didn’t feel right. It didn’t match the sinking feeling in my gut.

Elissa said goodbye to go and meet back up with the Franceschi parents. Boiling Alice, Athina and Georgina agreed to step out with Emily and I for a cigarette.

There were a few kids out the back already, clutching albums and posters and I almost retreated but Emily stepped forwards.

“You want around there,” she directed, lighting her cigarette and pointing to the door around the side. They all gave us funny looks, whispering and torn between staying. “Their tour bus is around there?”

I took the lighter from Emily as they vanished with giggles and whispers.

“Bloody hell,” Emily muttered and taking a long drag. “How old were those kids?”

“We ran into some earlier,” I said with a small frown as I remembered the situation. “They kept giving me funny looks, I mean... bad looks.”

“You’re fucking the lead singer,” Emily said bluntly and I cringed away from her. “Of course they’re going to react like that. You must have experienced stuff like that as well Georgie? Athina?”

“Not yet,” Georgie sighed and then looked to me a little terrified.

“I saw a picture online and I sort of got ripped into,” Athina muttered bitterly. “But you’ve got to take this in your stride right?”

“Of course! How’re you and Aled?”

“Yeah the beautiful Welsh man,” Emily sighed blissfully to herself.

“Good thanks,” she responded cheerfully, evidently pleased for the change in conversation.

“How’s the distance thing? He lives in Cardiff doesn’t he?” Alice asked, taking one of my cigarettes. Huh I’d never seen her smoke before.

“Yeah, it’s alright, we see each other when we can and we talk ALLLLLLL the time, but it’s not that far away,” she said with a small intimate smile. I bit my lip. Surrey to Cardiff was further away than Surrey to St Albans. “I don’t know I really like him and I’m willing to do anything to make this work.”

I zoned out at that point, focusing on my own thoughts. We went back inside when the clouds in the air were from the heat in our breath and not the smoke in our mouths. We headed back around but the guys had gone out back to sign stuff.

“Give us a hand?” Elliot asked when we waited in the corridor, unsure of where to go. Athina and I picked up the cabels to lighten his load and exited out the back to put the stuff in the trailer on the back of the bus. We past the squealing fans and we both got more looks. I held my tongue. All of the band were too busy to notice us going outside. The flutter of anger was petty and I knew it was silly – this was their job but I could stop the pang of jealousy. We turned and went back inside.

They finally came back in about twenty minutes later. Honestly I’d expected them to be later. They were all still smiling and laughing. Georgina slipped Chris aside to have a private conversation – there was so much love between the two of them. Athina claimed Max with a hug, taking it upon herself to calm him down. We finally helped them back up everything and waited for the band with Bobby to thank the security and venue hosts.

“Alice’s mum is coming in five,” I said to Josh when he came back. We all waited outside, the band half on their bus. Emily had left with Athina in a car as had the Franceschi family.

“I know, we’ll wait,” he said with a soft smile. He was finally buttoned up in a jacket with a grey hat and scarf.

“Thank you for this evening,” I said quietly. “I had a really nice time.”

“It was amazing to see you,” he said in a hurry, taking a step closer, closing my hands in his. “You actually have no idea how much I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” I blurted, my voice breaking slightly as the tug of emotion in my stomach hit.

“Can’t you come down tomorrow or I’ll stay up? We’re doing another show in a few days, if that’s all you can do. A Halloween show?”

“Ohh,” I sighed, my heart plummeting. “Umm... I was going to this party thing.”

The disappointment on his face was a fresh kick in the gut.

“I mean, I’ll let you know? Yeah?”

He looked down, his jaw locking and he took a deep breath through his nose. He finally looked up at me and nodded. There was this torn, no... sort of broken look in his eyes...

“Jase!” Alice called. Her mum was here. I squeezed his hand, and gently kissed him, but it wasn’t the same. I could taste the desperation and longing there but I could also feel his anguish. I broke off and walked away, getting into the car. He watched me as we drove off, his hands in his pockets, his face like stone before he finally turned away, sullen, to his waiting band.