When I Grow Up, I Want to Be Famous

“Have you heard from him?”

“No.”

“Do you know why?”

“No.”

“Are you going to the Halloween party?”

I hesitated. I chewed on my lip. I fiddled with my fingers and stared at the floor.

“Oh come on,” Lacey groaned. “You can’t miss this. Everyone’s going.”

“Peer pressure or what?” Alice muttered to my right, silently seething at her best friend. “She doesn’t have to go.”

“Just because you want to go to that stupid gig!” Lacey snapped back, her pink talons tightening on her folded arm.

“What the fuck? Alice hissed, unfolding her legs.

“Okay stop,” I cut across, finally looking up and stopping anything further. I was sick of arguments. I’d had enough of them. “I’m not sure yet what I’m doing.”

Pushing myself off the sofa, I got up and went into the kitchen to get a drink.

It was true. I had no idea what I was going to do. I couldn’t decide. I knew if I was going to truly fit in here and build a friendship with these girls I was going to have to go to this party. But I couldn’t let Josh or my old friends down again...

I left the water that I’d poured, forgetting why I’d gone to the kitchen in the first place to go and sit back down.

***

On the day of the 30th, the day of the party and of the gig, I sat in my room all day – still not having reached a conclusion. I was ignoring my phone and two perfectly suitable outfits hung in the wardrobe of my mind’s eye; black dress and some cat ears for the party and my Wonder Woman costume for the gig. I’d even forgotten to eat, until my stomach rumbled that is, so I got up around three and headed downstairs to find something.

“Have you only just got up?”

“Bloody hell Erin!” I jumped, grabbing my heart as if to calm it’s frantic actions in my chest. “I wish people would stop doing that to me!”

“Maybe you should take in your surroundings better,” she snorted with a laugh, pouring out steaming water into two mugs.

“What are you doing home?”

“Thought I’d pop in and say hello, or am I not allowed anymore?” she raised an eyebrow at me, stirring in the tea bags. “Get us the milk?”

I wandered over to the fridge and grabbed the milk.

“And to answer your question, no I’ve been up for hours,” I groaned, passing the carton to her.

“Something troubling you?” Erin asked quietly, pouring the milk in until the tea turned a light brown.

“Yeah, I guess,” I sighed. “There’s this party tonight and everyone from our school is going. All the girls are really looking forward to it and I’d really like to go.”

“But you don’t have a new pair of heels? Your hair’s not right?” Erin asked sarcastically.

“You Me At Six is doing a show tonight too,” I said bluntly and her smile faded.

“Ahh...”

“Mmhmm,” I replied, taking my tea and sitting down at the kitchen table. “And I’m stuck in the dilemma I’m always in – new or old friends?”

“Well which one do you want to go to more?” she asked calmly, taking the seat opposite me.

I hesitated again. I wasn’t sure. I’d get to go to loads of You Me At Six shows, but then again, I’d have the chance to go to loads of party, but I’d already built my friendships back home and not secured them here, but did I want to lose those from back home?

I relayed my worries to Erin. She just sat there listening to me, sipping her tea and nodding every now and again.

“Personally,” she said, dropping her gaze to trace over the rim of the mug. “I’d go to the show. You’ll have plenty of time to go to parties here and you’re mates will understand. It’s just that Lacey that will get a bit tetchy, she’ll be too drunk tonight to care anyway. You love these guys, go see them, it’s not like you get much opportunity to.”

I nodded.

“You know Erin, you’re really smart sometimes,” I said, frowning at my table as if only just realising this.

“I know,” she smiled into her tea. “Where is it? I could give you a lift if you like?”

“Fuck that, you’re coming!”

“Reckon you could get me in?” she asked shyly from behind her mug.

I rolled my eyes and got on the phone to Max, asking him to keep it from Josh. Max said he’d wait for us at the backdoor around 8ish cause that’s the earliest we could get there. He said I was also welcome to bring the girls too. I rang them up but only Alice was keen.

Erin and I were sidetracked whilst preparing dinner when our dad came in through the door without so much as a hello. I was blissfully unaware but Erin was more alert to the situation. She left the kitchen and then I heard shouting. Alarmed, I ran out into the hallway in time to see dad, a bag in hand, heading for the door. My heart dropped into my stomach.

“Dad?!”

“Jase, don’t please.”

“Where are you going?” I cried, racing down the hall, colliding with the back of Erin. He looked at me pitifully.

“I’ll be back,” he said, looking at both of us. “I just need... a break for a few days. Your mother’s stressed at work and... I can’t take it.”

“Please don’t go,” I whispered, my voice shaking.

“I’ll be back, I promise,” he said kindly, he flashed a small smile before vanishing. Erin and I stayed locked in place for a few moments, listening to the car drive away. My heart sat in my throat.

“I’m going to kill her,” Erin barely breathed. “What the fuck is that woman doing?!”

I ran back into the kitchen to stop the food burning and to give my mind something to do. Had my dad just walked out? No.... he said he was coming back. I wasn’t sure how to feel. I felt nothing but anger towards my mother.

She came home about an hour later. I stayed in the kitchen whilst Erin gave her an earful.

“Get your costume and make up bag,” Erin hissed when she came back into the kitchen rubbing her temples. “We’re going to that show. I need to get out of this house and you need to be around people who care right now.”

I nodded, still remaining silent and did as she said.

We changed in the car. I changed into my Wonder Woman costume, Erin into her police uniform and we collected Alice in Batwoman ensemble. We’d all agreed to go for a superhero theme for the party in town but it seemed we were breaking the group. We headed to Exeter straight away but unfortunately didn’t bank on the amount of traffic.

“Ohh for fuck sake,” Erin growled when we came to yet another stop. Her road rage was through the roof. It was now eight thirty. “We’re going to be so laaaaaaaate!”

I stared out of the back window, my arm resting on the window ledge, and not really seeing anything. I wanted to get there as soon as possible. I needed the loud music to drown out the thoughts in my head. I glanced at the clock literally every minute. How could time go so fast? Didn’t it normally slow down?

We finally got in around nine o’clock and ran to the back entrance. I could hear music.

“Shit, I think they’ve gone on.”

“Round here,” Erin whispered and we headed for the front entrance instead.

“We don’t have any tickets,” Alice hissed as we walked through the lobby.

“We don’t need to get through there,” Erin muttered, passing security. I caught a glimpse through a window and they were on stage. Oh Shit. We ran up some stairs, Erin leading the way.

“There’s always a way to the green rooms,” she muttered and took a left.

She pulled me forwards and through a door that led to a long corridor, the music got louder, we were nearer the stage.

“I think this is-”

“Hey!”

We all spun around to find a burley looking security guard coming through the door behind us.

“No one’s allowed back here!”

“Oh no it’s okay, we know the band!” Erin shouted confidently.

“No wrist band. No entry.” He started towards us.

“I know, we arrived late, if you can just let us talk to one of the band or even the crew, they’d vouc-”

“No wrist band. No entry,” he repeated stubbornly.

“We’re really good mates with them,” Erin snapped just as stubbornly. He grabbed her around the arm.

“Look, I’m not in the mood for little fan girls thinking they can sneak backstage!”

“And I’m not in the mood- Get the fuck off!”

“Get off her!” I shouted.

“Erin? Jase?” Nathan’s voice called from behind us. Elliot followed just behind him. Both of them looked extremely shocked to see us.

“Thank God,” Erin cried, snatching her arm out of the security guard’s grasp.

“It’s okay, they’re meant to be back here,” Nathan told him confidently.

The security guard growled, turned around and left.

“Thank you,” I sighed to Nathan.

“I thought I could hear your beautiful tones,” he grinned.

“What ever happened to the ‘no flirting with the boss’s girlfriend’?” Elliot asked, smiling at me too.

“A boy can dream,” Nathan said and then his eyes fell on my sister. Admittedly, Erin had become more feminine over the past few months. Her hair was now almost chin length and a white blonde. Her eyes were smokey and her police uniform was well... hot. I shuddered when Nathan’s mouth fell open.

“What are you lot doing here anyway?” Elliot asked before Nathan could say something to my sister which would make her swing for him.

“Came to see the show, didn’t Max say anything?” I asked curiously.

“No,” Elliot replied innocently. “They’ll be glad you’re all here though. Got an after party lined up n’all.”

“Brilliant,” I muttered, glad of more distractons and followed the crew down the corridor to the main stage area. They were about halfway through their set when we reached the wings. I stopped dead at the sight of them. Erin let out one strong burst of laughter. They guy’s choice of costumes was the most interesting I’d ever seen them wear. Dan was putting his soul into his drumming whilst wearing a... pastel pink baby costume. Matt was dressed as a nun(!) whilst Chris donned a stripy prisoner uniform. Max was at the front of the stage, spitting a mouth full of water in his usual manner at the audience in a banana suit. Aww this was brilliant. And Josh was standing on platform wearing a Mr Incredible suit with muscles, mask and all. It took me several moments to compose myself from laughing so hard.

“They look good don’t they?” said a girl in a Witch’s costume. The Welsh twang placed her before I facially recognised her.

“Lucy!”

“Hey Jase!” She came over to us with hyper eagerness. It was like everyone had had too much sugar or alcohol this evening. “Haven’t seen you in ages!”

“Yeah,” I said with a wry smile, aiming to pass on from the awkward conversation. She returned it with understanding. “What are you doing up here?”

“The lads invited us up.”

“Us?”

“Yeah, sorry,” she turned around and looked around. My eyes rested on three girls before she did. I didn’t recognise them. They looked at me watching them and then Lucy before they came over smiling. “This is Rosie Lane.” She indicated to the small light brunette that was wearing a shade too much fake tan, with small oval vivid green eyes that were framed with heavily coated mascara lashes. She had the smallest waist I’d ever seen that was on full display in her school girl costume. It was very Britney Spears-esque. She gave an innocent smile that didn’t match the costume. “Amy Harrison.” My eyes quickly passed over the girl who would have been smaller if she wasn’t wearing such high heels. She had beautiful skin that, to be fair, didn’t seem to be smothered in make up but her dark eyes were heavily framed with extravagant fake lashes. Her straightened black hair reached her waist that had me suspecting she was wearing hair extensions too. Amy donned a tight black dress with cat ears on her hair to complete the outfit. “And Zoe Kenneth.” Lucy finally indicated to the taller fake blonde, much like myself, except her roots weren’t showing. I made a mental note to get my retouched. She had light blue eyes, more sky blue than Josh’s and not as lively; there was a rim of brown in the centre. Like Erin, they were artfully painted to give an alluring smoke effect. Her painted rouged lips were set into the perfect natural pout. She was dressed in a French maid costume.

“This is Jasey Warne, Josh’s girl,” Lucy announced and then it happened. Just as I was about to accept these new girls, try and get to know them, something flashed in Zoe’s eyes, only for a moment and if I’d blinked I would have missed it. Amy had exchanged the quickest of glances with Rosie. I couldn’t be sure of Zoe was jealous or pissed off or I was just imagining it. All the same I smiled and said hello, but my smile was as fake as theirs. “And this is... sorry-”

“Alice Issac,” Erin cut across quickly, watching the three girls. “And I’m Erin Warne. Her sister.”

“Nice to meet you,” Alice said, blissfully unaware of any tension that was in the air.

“How do you all know band?” Erin asked, casually, but I knew my sister, she didn’t like these girls.

“I grew up in the same street as Chris and Matt,” Amy said with a smile. “I’ve known them for ages and Rosie went to the same college as them and Nath and Elliot.”

“You went to the same college as Chris?” I asked her. “You know Georgina then?”

“Conway? Yeah,” she answered with a pleasant enough smile. I wasn’t fooled.

“Is she here?” Alice asked.

“Yeah, her and the Emily girl went round the front to watch, didn’t want the backstage area too crowded,” Zoe said and there was an element of meaning to her voice. I squeezed Erin’s arm and turned to face the stage. Taking a deep breath and not let them bother me. Bother me? Why should they bother me? Three unfamiliar slutty dressed girls who must be good friends with the boys to land an invite to their show and come backstage? Nahhh, I wasn’t bothered. I focused on the stage.

The band seemed to be having a great time. Max especially, buzzing around the stage, not pausing once. Josh was the only one who was slightly off. He was grinning but there was this stiffness to his smile. It wasn’t genuine. Like he was putting on an act. Max noticed us standing in the wings about ten minutes later. He almost came off the stage, like he was forgetting he was performing to a room full of people, he shook his head, laughed and bounced to the front. This caught the attention of Mat and Josh who looked over to see what was distracting Max. Matt’s eyes stayed fix to Alice on my right, a small smile spreading across his face. Josh’s gaze locked with mine and I could hear his breathing in the mic. I winked. He took a second to compose himself, his grin became real and he re launched into the song. My heart lifted in relief – he was glad to see me.

“Oh Mr Incredible you’re so strong!” Alice sighed theatrically in my ear, teasing me. I elbowed her, hard.

“I’m Wonder Woman, I can kick your ass remember,” I said sweetly through clenched teeth.

“Wonder Woman is no match for Batgirl,” Alice said seriously, placing one hand on her hip and raising the other straight in the air.

“That’s Superman pose!” I said through a series of giggles.

“Oh,” Alice said, her bottom lip jutting out in a thoughtful pout before she shrugged it off and went back to watching the set.

“And I’d be careful, it seems that nun’s eye wandering could break a few vows,” I said, gently ribbing her before folding my arms smugly.

“What?” she said quickly, her gaze flickering to Matt.

“I think he’d repent for you,” I said quietly as I could. ‘Jealous Minds Think Alike’ was filling the air. Alice’s face dropped in surprise but her features twisted in thought before I saw pleasure flash through her eyes.

“I swear to God I’m going to sock Nathan one,” Erin hissed in my ear.

“Annoying isn’t he?” Alice surprisingly answered her eyes now not moving off Matt.

“A tad,” Erin grumbled. “Tom’s not up here is he?” She glanced around hopefully.

Erin’s relationship with Tom Barnes, the band’s favourite photographer, had ended on mutual terms when we’d moved away. I did feel bad for that one. She hadn’t said much about it but I could tell she missed him.

“I don’t know actually, try down the front or the greenrooms,” I suggested.

“Their photographer guy?” Alice asked, catching onto the conversation.

“He’s not their personal photographer, he does all his own stuff and works with other bands, but he’ll probably keep coming back to them if they need him,” Erin explained quickly, craning forward to look down at the front. “So that doesn’t mean he is here tonight.” She sighed dramatically, swinging the handcuffs that were attached to the outfit.

Ahh that explained why she looked so good tonight.

Finally they played ‘The Rumour’ to finish off their set. That had to be the song the entire room chanted to the loudest. On such a high note, they bounced off the stage, literally, one by one and claimed us on the side of the stage in massive hugs. I watched too carefully when the new girls hugged the band. It was too enthusiastic. Oh my God I needed to stop. The boys could look after themselves. Josh found me first, after finally being able to get to me, and wrapped his arms around my hips, lifting me up off my feet. I grinned down at him.

“Oh, Mr Incredible you’re so strong,” I repeated Alice, quietly enough so no one else could hear and bent down to kiss him. He dropped me gently down and kissed me again.

“You actually came!” he exclaimed, kissing me again and again and again.

“Yeah,” I said, giggling after each of his kisses. “Well... considering I love you and all...”

He just smiled and hugged me as tight as he could.

“By the way, did you all drink something before tonight? Everyone’s extremely hyper.”

“We destroyed a huge bag of lollies earlier given to us by fans,” he clarified, explaining why his lips tasted like strawberries.

“You look really good by the way,” he whispered in my ear. His voice was deep and guttural, my eyelids fluttered and I shivered. Before I could respond, Max bounced on me. I ducked from the impact but his arm remained around my neck, Josh’s hand still around my waist.

“Wonder Woman!”

“Banana?! Max what is with that costume?”

“I thought it was slightly fitting,” Josh murmured, looking Max up and down. “He’s bonkers enough.”

I laughed, agreeing with this statement. Max slipped from me to go and jump on top of Alice.

“I think he’s taking a liking to Alice,” Josh mused, watching Max surprise her.

“Oh God no,” I groaned. “Not again. I think Matt likes her, last thing we need is the two of them after the same girl. It was bad enough when Max was after Lucy and Ashley liked her.”

“Well I don’t know, it was only a guess, but I suppose he’s like that with you...” Josh trailed off, watching Max and his eyes narrowed in thought.

“Speaking of the deadly Lucy love triangle, is she still with Ashley?” I asked quickly, changing the subject before Josh started suspecting his band mate of hitting on me.

“Uhhh, no, he moved away for Uni,” he said, his eyes snapping back to me. My eyes widened.

“Has Max tried anything with her?” I asked curiously.

“How do I know? I thought he liked Alice!” Josh blurted, his shoulders lifting in defence.

“Never mind, I’ll ask Emily, she’s good at sensing things like that,” I noted more to myself than Josh.

“Oh yeah...” Josh mused, his eyes glazing with a memory. “She figured us out before we did. Didn’t she-”

“Announce to everyone that we slept together, yes.”

“Why are we friends with her?”

I laughed. “Because she is a wonderful human being and a good friend.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, musing again. “She has her benefits.”

I rolled my eyes, snatched his hand and pulled him away from the backstage area that was now clearing of guests and band members.

“So no St Albans party?” he asked casually, sliding his fingers through mine, glancing down the corridor, bringing us to a slower pace than everyone else.

“No St Albans party,” I said, trying to keep the sigh out of my voice. “There’ll be more.”

“Yeah,” Josh agreed, but his voice trailed off in thought. We both stood there in silence for a moment, staring into space in our own little worlds. Then I realised... we were from two different worlds. We kept trying to force our worlds together, but neither of us could completely make our way into the other. Was that normal in a relati-

Josh cut off my trail of thought with a kiss. He backed me up against the white wall of the corridor, his hands cupping my face to hold me there. All sane thoughts flew out my head at once. I blinked, drawing for the breath he’d knocked out of me before reaching my arms around his neck to kiss him. I sort of went up on my tiptoes, as much as I could, despite wearing a pair of heels. Wow, had he grown? I was missing out on him growing now? Josh ducked down to help me out before I broke my ankle. His hand wandered down my neck, his thumb tracing down my throat, across my shoulder, down my arm and down the curve of my waist before he wrapped his hand around it. My back arched when he pulled it, my chest hitting his. Well, my chest his the load of muscle padding in his costume. Holy mother of God. He pulled away to check down the corridor and I realised he was still wearing his Mr Incredible mask. The flood of pounding hormones and emotions racing through my frantic system reminded me of one more thing that we hadn’t had chance to do in... months. There was definitely an itch that needed scratching. Now.

I re-launched myself at him, pulling his turned face to my lips, accidently knocking my head when I leant backwards. Automatically, I hitched my leg which he caught and held. Then a laugh escaped his lips. I involuntarily growled but he just laughed against my lips. I sighed, released his head and looked up at him with a ‘what-the-fuck-are-you-doing’ look.

“You do realise we’re not alone and in a middle of a corridor at a venue we’ve just played.”

“Yes. Honestly, I don’t care. ”

He laughed again.

“You’re a boy!” I protested. “You’re supposed to be more eager than I am!”

“I am,” he promised, leaning forwards so his forehead rested on top of mine. His voice dropped. “I’m just saying the corridor isn’t the best idea...”

I bit my lip at the throaty effect of his voice.

“Everyone’s gone to the bar I think,” he whispered, glancing down the corridor and pulled me down it. Now he was speeding up. We reached the greenroom. Thankfully, it was empty. Apparently, this was the plan. Josh pulled me to the centre of the room, shut the door behind him and then slid his arms around me. I kissed him with everything I had, making up for all those lost days. Emotionally, I was at a breaking point, my brain wasn’t shutting off. I couldn’t help but think of all the negatives of our relationships. I couldn’t help but think about how much I loved him. Then again, this moment, this kiss was proof, that time made everything that bit sweeter?

It was like I’d never been touched before. Everything was heightened and warm and exciting. We were there for what felt like ages, clinging to each other and just kissing. Both of us were savouring it so much that we didn’t want to stop. Then impatience crept into the air. Annoyance clouded my brain that I couldn’t reach the skin I wanted. I reached over his neck, tugged on the fabric and the Velcro came loose. I reached around his chest and ripped. The tearing sound sent a shiver of bizarre satisfaction through me. I yanked the material forwards, down over his shoulders until it slid off his arms. The top of the outfit was now bent down at the waist.

“The door isn’t locked,” Josh laughed against my lips.

“Did you not hear me when I said I don’t care?” I asked. He just chuckled in response, teasing down the side of my neck with small kisses. Completely surprising me, he backed me up again, dipping down before grabbing behind my legs and hoisting me into the air. My back hit the wall at the right moment, holding me suspended. When did he get THAT strong? One tiny small part of my brain noted that I was being held up against the green room wall where my favourite band had just played by the lead singer of said band that was completely head over heels for me. The other part of my brain was just on automatic, set in a state of bliss. To help him out, I closed my legs around his waist. Amazingly he shifted one hand to hold me completely on one arm. WHAT THE HELL? The other managed to slide up the back of my thigh, up to the hem of my shorts...

The green room door bounced open. Surprise mixed with the guilty impulse not to be caught, both our positions wavered. Josh’s arm flexed and my back slipped down the wall. I caught myself on my feet before I fell completely. We jumped apart as soon as was possible. Josh snatched up the front of his costume and slid his arms back in, his back to whoever had walked in on us. I stayed pressed against the wall, my hips slightly forwards, my hair askew and no doubt my lipstick was smudged. I glared at whoever had interrupted us. Zoe. She had one hand on the door handle, her face a mixture of shock, anger before it settled into a smirk.

“Sorry,” she laughed, her eyes on me. Taking a few deep breaths, I pushed myself up off the wall and ran my hands through my hair. Josh had one arm over his shoulder trying to re-attach the Velcro. Anger stirred in my gut as my teenage desire vanished. Voices could now be heard through the open door. Amy, Booley, Chris, Dan, Erin, Lucy and Rosie came through the door. Zoe and I continued to stare at each other while my chest still heaved. I blinked and finally looked away to Erin. She raised an eyebrow at me, slinking around Zoe to come over to me. I subtly shook my head and put on a smile. I looked to Josh to had one hand awkwardly scratching the back of his head. He smiled sheepishly and winked at me.

It didn’t hit me until later on that was the only time alone we were going to have. Their celebration just sort of hit off all over the place, there were people in every room. It was a lot more chilled that I’d expected. The band had vanished briefly to sign stuff and meet their fans out back while the rest of us got tipsy off the three bottles of litre vodka they’d bought in the green room.

The heart-in-my-throat feeling was still there, it had been all evening, but now my distractions had gone and I was left with nothing but the heavy weight.

“Have you seen Alice?” I asked Erin, my forehead creasing into a stubborn drunken frown.

“Not in a while, have you seen Matt?” she asked, her eyebrows rising in meaning and my mouth fell opening with a small gasp.

“Oh my God,” I said through an inhale.

“Oh shit, a drunken Nathan, that’s all I need,” she groaned, looking over my shoulder and departing. She vanished before I could comprehend that she left. I shook my head.

“Have you seen Matt?” Dan asked me, his face set in the way I could tell the booze wasn’t affecting him in the slightest.

“No,” I answered. “I think he’s with Alice somewhere.”

“Ahh right,” he said with a smile. “Ahh good.”

“Dan, what’s happening with you and Emily?” I blurted, the question propelled from my lips by the vodka. I needed more distractions. His smile faltered. “And don’t try and deny it.”

“What’s she said?” he asked.

“I haven’t had chance to talk to her,” I muttered. “It’s hard to talk to Emily about her personal life if you hadn’t noticed.”

“Yeah,” he said, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. “She’s a complex individual.”

I could hear the ‘but....’ hanging in the air.

“Don’t hurt her,” I whispered.

“Hurt her?” Dan scoffed. “I’m the one laying my heart out to her!”

“What?”

“Em’s been on and off for months,” he muttered, carefully watching around us. We were stood in the corner of the room. Max was entertaining Amy and Rosie by trying to balance several cups on his chin. I knew Chris was out to phone Georgie. Josh had vanished too along with Lucy and Zoe. “Things started way back. She’s been our mate for years. Then she just sort of... blossomed into this gorgeous young woman. She’s always been flirting and stuff. She kissed me at Overhill’s party and things just... got weird since.”

“But she came to the show the other day?” I said.

“No, not bad weird, we still like each other but she said she didn’t want to get in the way of anything. She didn’t want either of us suffering miles away.”

Ice twisted in my stomach.

“What do you mean ‘get in the way of anything?”

“The band. She didn’t want to get in the way of what we’re aiming for.”

The ice in my stomach spread, freezing me but I bit down hard on my tongue to stop words spilling out of my mouth. His words echoed in my head. Emily was a smart girl. She’d told me ages ago that dating friends was a bad idea, it ended messy, and she’d been right. I lost Josh, I lost everyone. Now she was under the idea that dating Dan would drag them back, restrict him. She didn’t feel their relationship could work...

That was the second person who didn’t believe in long distance relationships. Was I holding Josh back? Sure, he could be a free single teenage lead singer of a band...

Dan interrupted my train of thought.

“Jase?”

My eyes snapped back to him with a blink.

“Dan... do you think Josh and I...” I didn’t know need to finish the question. “Honestly. Like, brutally honestly.”

“Brutally honestly,” he said slowly, keeping my gaze. “You just make him a moody git from time to time. He misses you like hell when you’re apart and seriously, he can become incredibly unpleasant but he won’t confront the situation. But... he is head over heels for you, so I think he happily suffers.”

“Thanks,” I said slowly, trying to process the words. “No, seriously, thanks Dan.”

“But it’s all down to you two. How do you feel about it all?”

“I love him but... it’s hard. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. Would he be happier without me?”

“He lights up when you walk in the room,” Dan said bluntly. “You want to see some of the new songs he’s written.”

“What?” I groaned but the conversation ended there as the cups clattered all over the floor. After collecting them up. Max asked me out for a cigarette.

“Jase, are you okay?”

“Hmmmm?”

“You haven’t said anything since we came out and you keep staring into space,” he noted, pulling out a second cigarette.

“Yeah, fine,” I said quietly, staring into the dark, watching a car go past.

“C’mon Jase, we’ve been mates for ages,” he coaxed sympathetically.

“I didn’t want to bring the evening down,” I whispered. “My dad ran out this afternoon. He packed a bag and has left for a couple of days.”

Max stared at me in horror.

“Are you okay?!”

“Yeah, sort of, my mum’s a bit of a bitch sometimes, they’ll sort it out. I’m not too worried. But... my dad’s left home for a few days, I don’t know, it’s weird. I’m not really trying to focus on it all... Max can we talk about something else please?”

My brain sort of switched off from serious thoughts when we returned and found Alice and Matt. My eyes widened as I tried to catch her eye. She was biting the inside of her lip and a faint blush coloured her cheeks. She finally looked at me and smiled. Conformation.

I finally found Josh about an half an hour later after trying to subtly get everything I wanted out of Alice without anyone really noticing. Basically, we hid in the bathroom for half an hour squealing like idiots. Josh was back heading down the corridor with Zoe when I reappeared to search for him.

I paused in the hallway. Zoe’s face smiling face dropped into the same as mine whilst Josh just obliviously grinned at me. Dan was right, there was something there when he looked at me. The conflict of jealousy and pleasure was hard to process. Of course the negative emotion won. My lips tightened as Zoe pushed past me to get to the greenroom, giving me daggers and a harder nudge than was necessary. She definitely wanted Josh. My heart sunk as I looked to him.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” he said.

“Where have you been?” I asked.

“Went to thank the guys that helped set this up and then saw Bobby off cause he had to leave. He just told me that Matt O’Grady’s up for working with us again on this new album.”

“Awesome, the last one sounds great,” I paused, Dan’s words triggering something in my mind. “Apparently you’ve been writing songs about me again.” My eyes narrowed, sinking into my hips and folding my arms.

His face fell and he flinched away from me. I then realised it was an act.

“Please don’t hit me,” he begged in a mock tone.

“I’m not going to hit you.”

“That’s the usual reaction isn’t it?” he teased, recovering with a grin and sliding an arm around my waist.

“Are you trying to get around telling me what you’ve decided to broadcast to the world now?”

“You are my muse Jase, there’s no denying it.”

I sighed.

“But this stuff is good,” he said quietly. “It’s probably the happiest stuff I’ve ever written.”

I blinked in surprised.

“So everyone’s going to hear about how much of a sap you are?”

“Yeah,” he laughed. “We won’t classify as an ‘emo’ band anymore.”

I laughed, pleasantly surprised and hugged him tightly.

“Josh... you are happy being with me right?” I asked tentatively.

“Jase, are you nuts? I promise you. You are the best thing in my life.”

***

“Who the fuck rang me last night?”

I pulled the phone away from my ear, wincing at the sharp tone and loud pitch. My head was throbbing. I rubbed my eyes and got up to shut the blinds in my room. It was too bright.

“What are you talking about?” I groaned.

“I had someone ring me last night and several people yell at me,” he said through clenched teeth.

“What? I honestly don’t know,” I said calmly, pinching the bridge of my nose.

“Tell your friends to keep out of our fucking business!”

“Woah!” I retorted. “Calm the fuck down Josh.”

“No, I won’t be called, pleasantly surprised to see it’s your name coming up on my phone to be drunkenly shouted at by some twat telling me how I’m not good enough for you and that I should break up with you. Then I had someone else telling me that it was okay cause you were being looked after by some bloke who was so much better!”

“What?” was all I could say. My entire body was frozen in place. Who the hell had that been?

“So what the hell happened to you last night?” he demanded, his mouth uncomfortably close to the microphone in the phone. “I thought you’d missed the Halloween party?”

“There was another one the next night. Lacey’s boyfriend Connor knew this party...” I said trailing off casually with a shrug. “We all sort of got invited.”

“And smashed out of your fucking brain by the sounds.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t pretty,” I said with a small laugh.

“I’m glad you find this funny.”

“Funny? What I’m not allowed to get drunk?” My tone sharpened.

“No.”

“Excuse me?!” I scoffed, actually standing with my hand on my hip.

“No I meant,” he said in a growl. “I’d rather you didn’t get rat arsed around other boys. You’re an attractive girl Jase, God knows what could happen!”

“I can look after myself and I’m not going to cheat on you if that’s what you’re fucking implying!” I almost screeched.

“I’m not implying that you would but with past records and all-”

“I can’t believe you’re brining that up!” I cried.

“So who was the boy looking after you? Did he try anything or were you so rat arsed you can’t remember?”

“Goodbye Josh.”

I hung up the phone, clenching it tightly in my fist wanting nothing more than the throw it hard across the room, smashing it against the wall. I stayed, breathing heavily, clenching the phone, my knuckles now white, until it vibrated in my palm again. With a steadying breath that took much difficulty. I dropped my ringing phone on my bed and left the room.

***

“Harry didn’t lay a finger on me right?” I asked Alice, sitting on her bed, my arms folded and my mouth screwed up in thought.

“No, he was a gentleman about it. Oh, he carried you home mind,” she said, her head lifting with the sudden thought. “Cause you were crying over your heels.”

“Hmmm,” I groaned, my face completely screwed up in annoyance at myself. “Poo.”

I jumped off her bed and climbed up onto the window. I pulled out a cigarette and lit one up. I’d been smoking like crazy over the past day. I’d ruined two and a half packets since the argument.

“I’m not going to apologise,” I decided after a few minutes of silence. Alice looked up at me but said nothing. “I’m entitled to do what I want with my life. I didn’t and never will cheat.”

Alice smiled weakly at me as I blew out a long breath into the open window.

When I got home that evening it appeared Josh had tried the house phone again in the attempt to talk to me. My mother gave me a small speech on how I shouldn’t play with the boys feelings and how apparently ‘that Harry boy’ seemed lovely. She’d even threatened Josh on the phone, warning him not to call on the house phone constantly, or she’d have him blocked.

Angry at myself, Harry, my mother and Josh, I stormed into my room. The phone in my pocket buzzed for the millionth time and I flipped it open in defeat.

“Hello,” I said sourly.

“Hello,” he said quietly.

“Apology call I presume?”

I could hear him exhale slowly and heavily, like I did when I wanted to calm down.

“Why am I apologising?”

“For being a dick... as usua-”

“Look Jase, I’m not in the mood for this, can we discuss this calmly?” he asked, his voice quivering. He was on the edge.

“Yes, you were so calm and mature about it the other day,” I seethed sarcastically.

“What the fuck to do you want?” he finally snapped. “I’m trying to sort this out and you’re acting like a completely bitch about this Jase.”

My stomach flipped.

“Did you just call me a bitch?” I asked, completely shocked.

“No, I said you were acting like one,” he grunted.

“No, you just called me a bitch.”

“Jase!”

“I’m not having this argument over the phone this is ridiculous, bye Josh.”

“So what? We don’t have the option to have this argument face to face like normal people,” he said quickly. “You can’t run away from this Jase. Just because you don’t see me doesn’t mean it’s going to get fixed. It’ll be weeks before I see you again!”

“Well I’m sorry that I had to move! I’m not the one who made my home unbearable to live in!”

“You’re right. Forget it. Say hello to Harry for m-”

I hung up again before he could finish.

***

I had a third phone call two days after.

“What Josh?” I said testily.

“Why didn’t you tell me about your parents?” he said softly, his voice riddled with sympathy and anguish.

“How did you...?”

“Max,” he said bluntly.

“Please Josh, I don’t really want to talk about this right now.”

“You never want to talk about it Jase. Why didn’t you talk to me, your boyfriend, about your parents?”

“I don’t know. You were really happy that evening and I didn’t want to kill the mood,” I answered honestly.

“Oh Jase,” he sighed. “You should have said something.”

“It’s fine now anyway,” I cut across bluntly. “Dad’s back. They’re talking things over. I know that my parents love each other despite their differences. They’re meant to be.”

Josh was silent for a long time on the other end.

“I’m going in the shower, I’ll speak to you later,” I said calmly, I still wasn’t happy about our arguments and for the third time, I hung up without waiting for any form of goodbye.

***

“It’s fucking freezing,” I groaned, pulling my coat tighter around me. Lacey passed me the vodka laced coke bottle and I took a large sip. I knew the more I drank the warmer my chest would become.

“I wish we’d packed blankets or something,” Mia said through chattering teeth.

“When’s it supposed to be starting?” Sophie asked.

“I don’t know, ten minutes?” Alice answered, her eyes glued to her phone. My stomach twisted into a knot when I felt my phone vibrate.

“Not fucking again,” I hissed as I pulled out the device. “Oh, it’s Max.”

I pulled it open and jumped up off the blanket, climbing higher up the grassy hill.

“Hello?”

“Hey Jase, how’re things?”

“Bad I guess. I mean my dad’s back home and my parents are sorting things out but... I feel crappy. I’m arguing with Josh.”

“Yeah, we sort of guessed that, he’s gone into hibernation mode,” he said darkly.

“What do you mean?”

“He’s sat in his room with a pad and paper, just to warn you.”

“Great, thanks Max, I appreciate these warnings, please don’t let him release it to the world.”

“I’ll try my best.” I jumped at a loud bang. “Shit sorry Max, the show’s starting here, I’ll give you a call later!”

“Bye!”

I hung up, pocketed my phone and rejoined my friends.

So fuck the happy songs then? Back to the miserable hate ridden stuff.

I looked up at the sky, thinking of Josh, watching the fireworks...