The Past Ain't Through With You

Gerard sat lost in thought for several minutes after his conversation with Bob ended. He now understood why Holly had looked so upset when he’d opened the door. Facing memories you’ve forgotten was hard but finding out those memories were ones you should have clung to but didn’t was brutal. Finally he made a decision he prayed was the right one.

Holly looked up at Gerard as soon as he walked back into the living room. “Everything okay?” She asked immediately seeing the look on his face.

He smiled, “See, I’m not the only one who can tell by a glance.”

“Want to talk about it?” She asked softly. “I’m sure Molly needs to go finish her gifts.”

Molly looked up waiting, her face now sporting a hot chocolate mustache.

“Uh, actually I want to give you your Christmas present now.” He said slowly holding out a flat wrapped package. “I think now is the right time.”

Holly gave him a confused look but took the package he extended towards her. “Are you sure? Shouldn’t I wait?”

He sat down taking the mug from her other hand. “No, I think now.” He prayed this wouldn’t upset her further.

Molly sat next to her mother looking slightly confused. While she didn’t understand what was going on she could tell something seemed wrong, both of her parents looked very serious.

Holly’s fingers trembled slightly as she began to unwrap the gift. She knew by his look he was afraid and obviously this gift had something to do with that fear. When the gift began to be revealed she understood. “Oh.” She whispered pulling off the last bit of paper and seeing the framed drawing.

Gerard was watching her closely.

Molly set her mug down on the table where her father was sitting in front of Holly then moved to look at the picture. Curiously she asked, “Mommy who’s that?” She pointed to the girl in the drawing next to Holly.

Holly’s eyes lifted to Gerard pleading for him to help. Remaining silent was one of the hardest things he’d ever done but he knew Holly needed to answer. He looked deeply into her eyes then nodded slightly.

Holly’s eyes filled with tears as she forced herself to speak. “That’s Sonja.” She whispered letting her gaze fall to the beautiful drawing. “My little girl.”

Molly frowned. “She don’t look little and I’m you’re little girl.”

Gerard held his breath waiting for Holly to reveal the truth.

Slowly Holly turned her head to look at Molly. “Honey, I once had another little girl and her name was Sonja.”

Shaking her head Molly spoke. “But she’s not little.”

Again Holly looked at the drawing. Gerard had drawn Sonja’s likeness from memory, memory of when he’d known her. She forced herself to explain. “Molly, a long time ago when I was very young I was married to a man named Al. He and I had a little girl we named Sonja.”

“Mommy was married?”

Holly nodded.

“So I have another sister?” Molly asked.

Blinking back tears Holly explained, “Sonja was much older than you. She was married to a boy named Jimmy.” She paused to look over at Gerard. “They were very happy.”

Molly was confused. Looking at Gerard she asked. “Do you know Sonja?”

He nodded but still didn’t speak.

By this time tears were rolling down Holly’s cheeks, she couldn’t stop them.

“Mommy?” Molly’s voice was scared. “What’s wrong?”

Holly took a deep breath then forced herself to speak. “When you were born I was living in Colorado.”

“The place with lots of snow.”

Holly smiled through her tears. “Yes, Colorado does get lots of snow in the winter and there was lots of snow when you were born. Sonja and Jimmy were coming out to Colorado so they could be there when you were born but..” Her voice started to trail off and she took another deep breath. “They were in a very bad car accident. They both died.”

Molly sat digesting this information. Since her mother’s attack death had become a very scary thought.

Gerard reached out to grab Holly’s hand giving it a tight squeeze.

“So your little girl died?” Molly asked.

“Yes.” Holly whispered. “Sonja died.”

Gerard finally spoke. “Remembering Sonja makes your mommy happy and sad at the same time.” He said to Molly.

Molly nodded, “Happy because she loved her but sad because she went to heaven?”

Holly placed her other arm around Molly pulling her close. “Yes, that’s right.”

Molly looked down at the drawing. “She was pretty. I wish I got to know her.”

“I wish that too, Baby.” Holly whispered burying her face in Molly’s hair. “So much.”

Gerard felt Holly squeezing his hand.

“Molly.” He waited until his daughter sat back to look at him. “Why don’t you and I go finish those Christmas gifts now?”

Molly looked over at her mother’s tear stained face not wanting to leave her like this.

“We’re gonna let your mommy take a little nap now.”

Holly gave him a thankful gaze.

“Mommy?” Molly was still unsure.

“I need a nap.” Holly said forcing herself to smile. “Don’t want to be tired for tonight.”

This made Molly smile, “That’s right.”

Gerard stood. “Okay head on in and get started. I’ll be there in a minute.” Once Molly slid off the sofa and started down the hall he gently took the framed drawing from Holly. “Okay woman.” He said forcing a smile. “Let’s get you stretched out.” She allowed him to slip off her shoes then place her legs on the sofa without a word. He threw the afghan over her body then squatted down next to her. “Sugar, did I do the right thing?” He whispered. “I just thought that you really wanted Molly to know about Sonja.”

Holly stared at him a moment. “No more secrets.”

There was no way he could stop himself from brushing her lips with a quick kiss before standing.

“Gee?”

He waited for her to speak.

“Could you set it up please?”

Lifting the frame he pulled out the stand on the back then set it on the coffee table where Holly could see it.

“She looks so beautiful.” Holly whispered. “So happy.”

Holly looked so fragile it tore at his heart. “She was beautiful and happy.” Gerard said softly. “I’m glad you remember that now.”

“You talked to Bob.” It wasn’t a question.

Gerard nodded.

Slowly Holly closed her eyes. “Thank you.”

He longed to tell her there was nothing in this world he wouldn’t do to make her happy but as he watched her even breathing became heavier and he knew because she was so mentally drained she’d fallen asleep.

**********************************************************

“Daddy?”

“Yeah, Squirt?”

Molly looked up from the hot pad she was making. “How come mommy didn’t tell me she had another little girl?”

Gerard had wondered how long it would be before Molly addressed this. “Well sometime when thing are really painful to remember we don’t talk about them. It hurt your mommy very much when she lost Sonja.”

Molly seemed to be considering his words. Finally she spoke. “I don’t like to see mommy cry.”

He tried to think of a way to make her understand. “Your mommy was crying but it wasn’t just because she was sad. It made her happy to see the drawing of Sonja because it helped her to remember all the good times.”

Molly was still trying to understand. “Did Uncle Mikey and Aunt Alicia know her?”

“Sonja?”

“Yep, did they know her too?”

He leaned back against the bed smiling at his daughter who was seated next to him on the bedroom floor with colorful cloth loops scatted around them. “Yes they did. So did Grandpa Don and Grandma Donna.” He paused then explained. “When your mommy first moved to New Jersey she and Sonja lived down the street from Grandma Donna.”

“They did?”

“Yep and that’s a good thing because that’s how I first met your mommy.”

Molly selected a blue loop and began to weave it through the loom. “Did you like mommy then?”

Gerard realized this conversation could get a bit tricky. “Yes, the first time I met her she picked me up at the airport because Grandma Donna asked her to.”

For several minutes Molly continued to work on the hot pad. Finally she looked up. “What was Sonja like? Did she like to play with dolls?”

Gerard smiled, “When I met her she was already a teen-ager so she was too old to play with dolls.”

Molly frowned, “That’s silly. Everyone I know plays with dolls.”

Gerard laughed, “Well that’s because everyone you knows plays with dolls because they know you like them. But when you get older I bet you’ll think you’re too old to play with dolls too.”

“I hope not.” Molly said frowning.

Gerard thought a minute. “Sonja was a very sweet girl. Just like your mommy she liked to help people.”

“Like when mommy goes to the shelter?”

He nodded, “Yes back in Jersey sometimes Sonja would go with your mommy.”

“I want to do that when I get older.” Molly said nodding.

Gerard’s heart filled with pride. “I’m sure you will. You’re a lot like your mommy.”

“Am I like you too?” Molly asked gazing into her father’s face.

He grinned, “I think it would be better to be more like your mommy.”

Molly shook her head. “Daddy is a good person too.”

He reached out to tousle her hair. “I’m glad you think so.”

Again the room fell silent for several minutes while Molly finished the hot pad. As before when it was almost completed Gerard helped her with the edges which were tricky for her little fingers to do. “There.” He said when it was done. “That’s a nice one. Who’s it for?”

Molly tilted her head while looking at the other hot pads she’d already completed. “Well that one is for mommy.” She pointed to the first one she’d done. “And that one is Aunt Alicia’s.” She paused. “I think this one must be for Grandma Donna.”

“She’ll love it.” Gerard smiled.

“Would Grandpa Don like one?” Molly asked quite seriously.

Gerard nodded, “I’m sure he would. Last time I was at his house I noticed his kitchen needed a hot pad.”

Hearing that made Molly smile, “Okay then I’ll make him one.”

When it was completed Gerard asked Molly if she’d like to wrap her gifts. She happily nodded so quietly he snuck downstairs to grab the wrapping paper, tape and scissors. On the way he checked on Holly and saw that she was still sleeping soundly.

“Okay.” Gerard sat back down on the floor by Molly. “I’ll cut the paper and you do the wrapping.”

It was hard not to grin as he watched how carefully she tried to wrap each gift.

“Don’t look good like mommy’s.” Molly sighed trying to hold the paper in place while at the same time securing it with tape.

“Hey Squirt you’re doing better at this than me.” Gerard laughed as he reached out to place a finger on the paper while she pulled off more tape.

When they were all wrapped he pulled out the gift tags. “You want to put the names on them?” Gerard asked.

Molly sighed, “I don’t write too good.”

“Oh I think you write good.” He said encouragingly. “How about if I write the names on a piece of paper first and you can copy?”

“Okay.” Molly nodded. “I can do that.”

He loved watching as she worked on the first name. She printed very slowly then at the bottom of the tag where it read FROM she simply printed “M”.

Molly noticed he was watching her. “That’s how I sign my art.”

He leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Yep, you’re my little artist.”

********************************************************

“Holly, time to wake up.” Gerard whispered as he gently stroked her cheek with his fingertip. Her eyes flew open and he realized he must have pulled her out of a deep sleep. “It’s okay.”

“Oh.” Holly blinked rapidly trying to get her bearings. She had been in the middle to a dream. “What time is it?”

“It’s almost three.”

“Crap.” She threw off the afghan. “We’re gonna be late. You and Molly were supposed to pick me up at three from the loft.”

“Don’t worry. I already called Alicia and told her we’d be a little late.”

“Not a little late.” Holly said reaching for her shoes. “Now we’ll be over an hour late. I promised I’d help her with dinner.”

“Holly, calm down.” He said gently. “You needed to sleep. It’s okay.”

She stood. “I’ve got to change.”

He smiled, “Why? You look beautiful.”

Holly glanced down at her red sweater. “But I brought something else to wear.”

“Well you can change if you want but I think you look great. Molly’s brushing her hair. I offered to help but she says she can do it herself.”

Finally Holly’s mind was starting to clear. “Oh, she had a Christmas pony tail holder she wants to wear. She’s probably trying to put her hair up, I better go help.”

He reached out to gently grab her arm. “Hey, why don’t we let her try to do it herself? She really sounded like she thinks she can.”

Holly smiled, “Uh, it will probably look pretty funky.”

“And with a dad like me you think that would surprise anyone?” He teased.

“Suppose not.” Holly said. Suddenly her gaze fell to the drawing. “Did Molly ask you about Sonja?”

He nodded.

“Figured she would.” Holly said softly. “Thank you for handling this.”

“Hey I really didn’t handle anything. You told her about Sonja.” He paused a moment then added, “That day when you saw the ornament the first thing you said was that Molly didn’t even know who Sonja was. I could see in your eyes the sadness.”

Holly tired to smile, “My eyes again?”

“Told you, your eyes are a window to your emotions, windows to your soul. But it made me believe you really wanted Molly to know.”

“I did. I just wasn’t sure how to tell her.” Holly whispered.

Gerard smiled, “Molly wanted to know what Sonja was like. You know if she liked playing with dolls.”

This did cause Holly to smile. “You explained that when you met Sonja she was too old for dolls?”

“Yep but it Molly’s mind that was silly. She just can’t imagine anyone not wanting to play with dolls. But I explained to her how you used to live down the street from ma and that was how we met. I even told her about the first time I met you when you picked me up at the airport.”

Holly’s eyes narrowed, “Oh Lord, you didn’t mention that damn coat did you?”

“Marshmallow coat?” He laughed, “Nope so I’m guessing she’s never seen it?”

“No. It’s packed away in a box.”

“In the trailer?” He asked.

She nodded, “Yeah, in the closet.”

“Good to know.” He grinned.

Holly was confused. “What?”

“Well you might need it. I’m still hoping for snow tonight.”

“Oh Gee.” Holly rolled her eyes. “Hate to break it to you but I really don’t think it’s gonna snow.”

He was about to answer when Molly suddenly appeared. As Holly had predicted Molly’s ponytail was definitely off center and several strands of hair that hadn’t been caught in the holder were hanging down.

“How do I look?” Molly asked turning slowly.

“You look beautiful.” Gerard answered. “Ready to go?”

“Sure am.” Molly ran to get her jacket.

“See, she did her hair all by herself.” Gerard whispered.

Holly just smiled.

************************************************************

“Sorry we’re late.” Holly said rushing into Alicia’s kitchen.

“Holly.” Donna turned from the counter to face the newest arrival. “It’s so good to see you.” Before Holly knew what was happening Donna had enveloped with a tight hug.

“Good to see you too, Donna.” Holly answered hugging the older woman.

Donna took a step back to look at Holly closely. “Gerard said you were taking a nap. Are you feeling okay?”

Holly nodded, “I’m really sorry about that. I had trouble sleeping last night.” She wasn’t about to discuss what had happened at Gerard’s that had mentally and physically drained her.

By this time Alicia had walked over and now she hugged Holly. “Well I’m just glad you’re here now. So we’re you out late?”

Holly groaned inwardly. She understood perfectly well that Alicia knew she’d been out with Richard and was fishing for information. “No, not really.” She desperately wanted to change the subject. “So what can I do to help?” She asked looking around the kitchen.

“Oh Donna’s been helping so I think for now we pretty much have everything under control.”

“Well I’ve got to go find that granddaughter of mine.” Donna said moving towards the doorway.

“Molly and Gee are with Mikey out on the patio.” Holly explained.

As soon as Donna was out of sight Alicia grabbed Holly’s arm to lead her over to the table. “Okay, sit. We need to talk.”

Holly allowed herself to be pulled along. Once she was seated she asked, “Okay, what’s up?”

Alicia sat down. “Donna knows something is up.” She whispered. “I guess maybe it’s the way Mikey and I are acting but she’s asking lots of questions.”

Holly laughed, “Well you do know you’re positively glowing.”

“Crap I don’t mean to.” Alicia sighed but then suddenly her face broke into a beautiful smile, “But I can’t help it. I’m so happy. Still I don’t want her to know until we make the announcement tomorrow.”

“Well I’m not going to say anything.” Holly assured her.

Alicia looked into her eyes. “And you haven’t told Gee?”

“No.” Holly shook her head, “Of course not.”

“Good.” Alicia leaned back in her chair. “So I was wondering when Gee called and said you’d be late from the way he said it I got the impression you were at his place?”

“I drove out there because I missed Molly.” She hated lying but once again did not want to discuss the emotional day she’d had so far.

“So did both of you drive here?” Alicia asked.

Holly sighed. Alicia could be like a bloodhound when she was on a trail. “No, my car is still at his place. And before you say anything else it doesn’t matter because Molly and I are staying there tonight.”

Alicia smiled.

“Don’t make a big deal out of it okay?” Holly said crossing her arms.

“Who me?” Alicia laughed. Of course the truth was she already knew they would be staying at Gee’s because he’d told her but hearing Holly admit it made her happy. “Besides I think it’s a great idea. I know how much it means to Gee to spend Christmas Eve with Molly.”

Holly wanted to change the subject. “So anyway you never did tell me what you decided on for tonight’s dinner.”

“Oh it’s gonna be good. Mikey and me decided to do something different this year. We’re going with surf and turf, you know steak and shrimp. We’re also having twice baked potatoes, corn on the cob, and salad.”

“Wow, sounds good. Molly loves corn on the cob.”

Alicia frowned, “Will she be okay with steak and shrimp?”

“She likes steak but she’s never had shrimp. But she’ll definitely try it.”

“Cool.” Alicia grinned. “I’m just so glad the weather is holding. You know at first they were saying it would rain this afternoon and tonight.”

Holly sighed, “Um, yeah. I’d heard that but don’t sound too happy about the no rain thing around Gerard.”

“What? Why?”

“Well seems he’s really hoping for some snow at his place. He has it all figured out that if it rains here that by the time it reached his place it will turn to snow.”

“Oh.” Alicia said slowly. “He wants snow for Molly, that’s sweet.”

Holly nodded.

“Hey.” Alicia said softly. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Holly asked trying to smile.

“I dunno. You seem kinda sad.”

For a moment Holly considered reacting the way she always did, denying the truth. Then suddenly that’s not what she wanted. “Earlier today Gee gave me a beautiful drawing he’d done as my Christmas present.” She paused, “It was a drawing of me and Sonja.”

“Oh.” Alicia tightened her hold on Holly’s arm. She wasn’t sure what to say.

“It’s a beautiful drawing but Molly was with me when I opened it.” Holly explained lowering her voice.

“And so you told her about Sonja?”

Holly nodded, “Yeah” Tears appeared in her eyes. “I had to tell her I’d once had another little girl who I lost.”

Alicia was trying to understand. “Are you upset with Gee for giving you the gift in front of Molly?”

“No.” Holly whispered. “He did it because he knew how badly it hurt me that I’d never told Molly about Sonja. I’d thought about doing it so many times but just…I just couldn’t make myself talk about Sonja.”

Gerard who had come inside looking for Holly was standing a short distance away just outside the doorway listening.

“Hey, that’s understandable.” Alicia said softly.

“Well anyway.” Holly said sitting up straighter. “That’s why I was sorta wiped out earlier.” She didn’t want to reveal to Alicia that she was still terribly upset she’d blocked memories from her mind. She was still trying to deal with that truth and needed time.

Gerard walked in smiling. “Hey, you two come on out and join us.” He looked at Alicia. “Your husband wants to start the grill but he says he needs your okay on that.”

“He’ll get no argument from me.” Alicia said standing. “I’m starving.”

Holly too stood. “I’ll be out in a minute.” She brushed past Gerard heading towards the bathroom.

When she finally reemerged she was shocked to find Gerard leaning against the wall waiting in the hallway. Trying to joke she asked, “Uh, I do remember how to get from the bathroom to the patio.”

He pushed off the wall. “Pretty sure you do.” He took a step closer. “Sugar, stop beating yourself up about blocking out that memory.”

“Gee, not now.” She tried to move past him but he blocked her way.

“Holly…”

She began shaking her head. “Not now, Gee.”

He grabbed her arm. “Holly, I know this is upsetting..”

“Upsetting?” Holly ground out angrily. “Yeah, it’s upsetting that I blocked out that Sonja and I talked after that last argument. That I blocked out she and Jimmy were coming to Colorado to see me.” She clinched her fists trying to gain control of her emotions. “That scares me. I chose to feel guilt, I was smothering myself with it. What does that say about me?”

“It says you felt dead inside when you lost your child. It says you needed to feel something and guilt was what was easiest. Let it go now, Holly.”

They both heard Molly calling out for them to hurry.

“They’re waiting.” Holly whispered.

“We do need to talk about this.” He said releasing her arm.

“Gee, I just want to get through tonight.” She said starting to move past him. “Please, understand that.”

Again he grabbed her arm but this time in anger. “Is that really how you feel?”

Holly was shocked by his anger. “You know what I mean.”

“Do you?” He challenged. “Holly, look around you. You’re surrounded by people who love you and yet you just want this night to be over? Is that how you’re gonna spend your life? Is that really what you want?”

“That’s not what I meant.” Holly whispered.

“Yeah, it is.” He said sadly. “It really is and there don’t seem to be a fuckin’ thing I can do to change that.”

*************************************************************

All through dinner Holly and Gerard gave performances worthy of Oscars. No one could see that both were upset and hurting. They laughed and joked but neither looked at each other. Holly was still stinging from Gerard’s accusation and his emotions were in turmoil, he’d lost his temper with her, pushed her, and now he feared when they left Mikey’s to return to his house Holly would change her mind about staying the night. As the evening dragged on he could see Holly was growing quieter.

“Well.” Gerard said glancing at his watch. “Guess we should be heading home.” It was almost eight and they still had a long drive back to his place.

“But it’s still early.” Alicia said from her spot on the sofa where she sat snuggled up next to Mikey.

Gerard forced a smile. “Not so early for little girls who have to get to sleep so Santa can come.”

Molly glanced up from her spot on the floor by the Christmas tree where she and Donna were looking through one of Alicia’s photo albums. “Daddy I can’t go to sleep before I hear Santa coming.”

“That’s true.” Gerard nodded, “But we have to get home for that, don’t we?” he glanced quickly at Holly then looked away.

Donna who had just turned another page of the photo album looked up. “Oh, that’s right Molly gets to go outside and look for Santa, doesn’t she?” She remembered Holly and her daughter had that tradition from last year. “But isn’t that going to be difficult in the city?”

Gerard cringed wondering how to handle this question. He didn’t have time to worry about coming up with an answer because Molly spoke up.

“Oh, we’re not going there. Mommy and me are staying at daddy’s house tonight. Santa knows that’s where I’m going to be.”

“Oh, well that’s nice.” Donna said slowly.

Gerard noticed that Holly was looking down at her hands, her face showed no emotion.

Suddenly Molly looked down at the photo album again. “Look, that’s mommy.” She pointed to one of the photos.

Donna nodded, “Yes, that’s your mommy. I remember that was taken not long after I met her.”

Molly was now pouring over the pictures. Gerard was still watching Holly but now she was looking over at her daughter and his mother.

Molly pointed to another photo. “That is Sonja.”

Holly slowly stood and walked over to where they were seated. She lowered herself to the floor next to Molly. “Yes” She said softly. “That’s Sonja.”

Molly looked up at her grandmother. “Mommy’s other little girl.”

Donna smiled sadly. “Yes, that’s right. I knew Sonja. She was a beautiful girl.”

Looking back at the pictures Molly said. “Mommy is very sad she lost her.”

Tears appeared in Holly’s eyes.

Donna glanced over at Holly. “We are all very sad Sonja is gone.”

Holly gave her a tearful smile.

“Oh look.” Molly said pointing to another photo. “That’s Sonja and Aunt Alicia. You guys look silly.” She giggled.

Alicia knew exactly what picture Molly was referencing. She only had a few photos of Sonja and the one she was pointing to was one of her favorites. “Sonja and I were trying new hair styles.” She said remembering that day so long ago. “We do look silly, don’t we?”

Molly nodded. “Mommy doesn’t look like mommy.” She said slowly pointing to another picture.

Holly forced herself to speak. “Well my hair was much shorter and…” She snapped her mouth shut when she realized she’d about said she was fat.

“Your mommy’s lost weight.” Donna said kindly.

Molly nodded. “But mommy was pretty.”

“Your mommy has always been beautiful.” Gerard said his voice laced with emotion. “Always.”

Holly suddenly stood. “Okay well, your daddy is right, it’s time to get going. Don’t want to miss Santa, do you?”

Donna closed the photo album then hugged Molly. “Better get going.”

Molly jumped to her feet. “I’ll get the jackets.” She ran down the hallway.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten out the photos.” Donna said slowly looking up at Holly.

“Don’t be silly.” Holly said slowly. “It’s okay.”

By this time Gerard was on his feet. “So we’ll all meet up again tomorrow.” He really wanted to get Holly out of here. She might be saying everything was fine but he could see she was upset.

“With your father added.” Donna sighed.

Gerard frowned, “You and dad are getting along, right?”

Donna laughed, “Yes Gerard your father and I are getting along. Stop worrying about that.”

Molly walked in struggling under the pile of jackets she was carrying.

At the door everyone said their goodbyes. Alica while hugging Holly whispered how excited she was for tomorrow. Holly hugged her tightly whispering she understood. She then hugged Mikey but was surprised when Donna hugged her tightly and whispered “I love you Holly. Be happy.”

Holly leaned back and looked into her eyes. “I love you too.”

“Let’s get going.” Molly cried excitedly. “We gotta get home.”

Hearing Molly call Gerard’s place home filled Holly with sadness, and once more she reminded herself this was all just temporary. She saw that Gerard was staring at her.

Gerard knew exactly what she was thinking at that fact filled him with sadness. He’s had such high hope for tonight but suddenly a feeling of dread was washing over him.