The Past Ain't Through With You

“Okay what’s wrong?” Bob asked looking across the table at Holly. This was the first opportunity he’d gotten to talk to Holly alone since he’d picked them up this morning.

Holly’s eyes were on Molly who was happily climbing through the plastic tunnels at McDonalds.

“Holly.” Bob said softly.

“How do you know anything is wrong?’ She asked still not looking at him.

Bob reached for her hand. “Honey, I could see it in your eyes. Last night you were so happy but this morning, well your eyes are haunted.”

She turned to look at him. “Gee was at Mikey’s last night. He corned me before I got in the house. He’d had a fight with Lindsey and had been drinking.”

“What did the fucker do?” Bob asked.

“He wanted to know why I was such good friends with Adam.” Holly said softly.

Bob gave her a surprised look. “Why?"

“That’s what I asked. I wanted to know why it mattered.”

“And he said?”

Holly sighed, “He said he knew something wasn’t right.”

“Shit.” Bob shook his head. “Yeah, you could say that.”

“I told him about being at PR.” Holly whispered. “I just spilled out the whole damn story.”

“You told him you went to be with him?”

Holly nodded.

“What did he say?”

“He was shocked. He was pissed at Worm.”

“I can understand that. What he did was fuckin’ wrong.”

“No, it really wasn’t. Worm just wanted me to see for myself how much Gerard really cared about me.”

Bob leaned back, “Shit, I’m sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say.

“None of it really matters.” Holly said softly. “It doesn’t change anything.”

*****************************************************************************************

Gerard was sitting staring out across his backyard. He wasn’t sure how he’d gotten home last night and he didn’t care. Guilt filled him as that thought passed through his mind. He knew he shouldn’t have gotten behind the wheel of a car. His actions could have harmed someone else but last night that hadn’t mattered to him. Nothing had mattered. Learning how deeply he’d hurt Holly was the only thing on his mind.

“I’m leaving.” Lindsey said.

He slowly turned to see her standing in the doorway. “I’m tired of your shit, Gerard.” She said crossing her arms. “You want to stay out all hours of the night then come home drunk that’s fine. Just don’t expect me to clean up after you.”

He rubbed his forehead, “What?”

Lindsey shook her head in disgust. “You broke a whiskey bottle in the kitchen. I ain’t cleaning it up.”

Vaguely he remembered that after he’d made it home last night he’d finished off one bottle then had gone for another. “Sorry.’ He muttered.

“Yeah, sorry.’ Her eyes narrowed. “You’re always sorry.” Before he could say anything she turned and disappeared inside the house.

Once he heard her car leave he pulled out his cell.

“Adam why the fuck didn’t you tell me about Holly?” He said in greeting.

“Gee?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Why didn’t you tell me she was at PR?”

Adam carefully asked, “Who told you?"

“Holly.” Gerard answered. “Last night she told me about how Worm fuckin’ sent her into the bus knowing full well I was with Lindsey.”

“Oh.” Adam paused. “I see.”

“Damn it, why didn’t you tell me?” Gerard demanded.

“Look she asked me not to. So I didn’t.” He finally answered.

“I had a fuckin’ right to know.”

“Gerard man, I don’t want to get into this with you.”

“Why the fuck not?”

“Because I’m liable to say things I shouldn’t. Just let it go, Gee. It was a long time ago.”

“Did you know she and I were together?”

Adam sighed, “Not until I saw her face. It wasn’t hard to figure out. I mean I knew you two were close and all. Shit, you were always takin’ about her but no, I didn’t know you two had actually hooked up until that day.”

“Yeah we had hooked up.” Gerard spat. “I was fuckin’ in love with her.”

“So in love that you hooked up with Lindsey?”

Gerard uttered a curse. “You don’t understand. I thought Holly was done with me. She didn’t want anyone to know about us, she wouldn’t go with me on the tour.”

“There were reasons, Gee.” Adam said softly. “You gotta know that.”

“I do now.” He said wondering how much Adam knew but deciding he really didn’t want to know at his point.

“Let it go.” Adam said again, “You’ve both moved on.”

“It’s all so fuckin’ wrong.” Gerard whispered. “I never wanted to hurt her.”

“But you did.” Adam said deciding to let his true feelings be known. “Did you ever stop and think that even if you believed you two were through you should have told Holly? Fuck, you just hooked up with Lindsey and never once even tried to call Holly and tell her.”

“She told you that?”

“Yeah, I knew what was going on with her. I kept in touch cause I was worried about her.”

“I really fucked up.” Gerard whispered.

Adam sighed, “Just let it go.”

*******************************************************************************

When they got back to Mikey’s Molly had fallen asleep in her car seat. Bob carried her in following Holly through the house to their bedroom. He gently laid her down then brushed a kiss on her forehead.

Holly walked him back to the door. “Thanks for the lovely day.” She said softly.

Bob sighed, “Holly, why are you here?”

“I really thought it was the right thing to do. When Alicia begged me to come” She paused, "I’d missed her, I’d missed everyone so much.”

“You missed him.” Bob said looking into her eyes.

Holly nodded, “I see now that coming was a terrible idea.”

“No, it wasn’t.” They hadn’t seen Gerard standing in the kitchen doorway.

“Gee.” Holly's eyes grew wide, “What are you doing here?”

“I can to apologize for last night.”

Bob snorted, “Just last night? Fuck, I think you have a lot more to apologize for than that.”

Holly put her hand on Bob’s arm. “Please.” She whispered. “Don’t.”

Bob stared into her eyes a moment, “I have to go or I’ll miss my plane. Think about what I said, okay? I’ll call you when I get home.”

“Be safe.” Holly said softly then kissed his cheek.

He opened the door gave her one more look then walked out. Holly closed the door then turned around to face Gerard.

“Holly” He said taking a few steps towards her. “I don’t know where to begin.”

She sighed, "Please, lets not do this. I should never have told you.”

“I had a right to know. They should have told me.”

“They didn’t because I asked them not to.” Holly leaned against the door tiredly. “I didn’t want you to know. Why would I have wanted you to know? Think about it from my point of view, Gee. I went there because I believed you truly cared about me. Once I saw the truth with my own eyes I know what a fool I’d been. Do you honestly think I wanted you to know how stupid and pathetic I was?”

“Holly, I did care about you. Fuck, I loved you but I honestly believed we’d never be together.”

“Yeah, well that was apparent.” Holly said angrily. “So you moved on in record speed.”

“It wasn’t like that.” He tried to explain but she cut him off.

“There is nothing you can say I want to hear.” She pushed away from the door. “Now, I’m not feeling good and I’m gonna go lie down. I’m not sure where Mikey and Alicia are but if you want to wait around for them..”

“I was waiting for you.” He said softly.

Holly’s eyes filled with tears, “Waiting for me.” She whispered shaking her head.

When she walked down the hallway towards the bedroom Gerard closed his eyes completely overcome by emotion.

******************************************************************************

Holly opened her eyes several hours later and saw she was alone. She crawled from the bed and went to the living room where she heard voices. A small smile came to her lips when she saw Mikey and Molly playing Candyland.

“Hey girl, have a nice nap?” Alicia asked.

Holly nodded, “Yeah, but I’m sorry I didn’t start supper.”

“Got it under control.” Alicia said motioning for her to take a seat on the sofa. “We’re having pizza.”

Holly was secretly relieved that there was no sign of Gerard. He obviously had left before they arrived home.

“So Molly was telling us about your day with Bob.” Alicia said, “Sounds like you guys had fun.”

“We did.” Holly nodded. “But he spoils Molly.”

Mikey looked over and laughed, “That’s a pretty easy thing to do. She’s a great kid.”

Molly gave him an adoring smile.

“So Bob’s gone back to Chicago?” Alicia asked.

“Yeah, he’s got to get ready for the holidays with his family.” She glanced over at Molly then added quietly, “He wants Molly and I to join him.”

Alicia immediately frowned, “Well too bad. We have you guys for the holidays.”

Holly took a deep breath, "Maybe it would be best if we went.”

Without answering she grabbed Holly’s arm and led her to the kitchen. Once there she asked, “Okay, what’s going on? I know Gee was here today. He always leaves tale tail signs of cigarette butts.”

“He was here.” Holly admitted.

“Shit, did he and Bob get into it?” Alicia asked.

Holly shook her head, “No, Molly had fallen asleep and Bob carried her in for me. He had to hurry to leave for the airport. Gerard was here waiting.”

“So what happened?”

“Nothing, really.” Holly sat down at the kitchen table.

“Look, we all can see there is some tension between you and Gee. I’m sure it’s because of Bob but Gee is just gonna have to get over that. The rest of us have.”

Holly truly wished her friend could understand but that was impossible. “I just think that maybe it would be best if Molly and I took off soon. It’s been wonderful seeing everyone again but..”

Alicia shook her head, “Holly, it’s been more than wonderful having you guys here. I refuse to let you disappear from my life again. You’re one of my best friends.”

“And you’re honestly one of my very best friends.” Holly smiled. “But Christmas is a time for family.”

“And you’re part of our family. Me and Mikey love having you guys here. So I don’t want to hear any more talk about leaving, okay? After the New Year you can talk about it but not now.”

Right now Holly was just feeling so mentally tired she couldn’t argue with her.

Alicia walked over and pulled the pizza out of the fridge. “So I’m gonna pop this in the oven, we’re gonna have a nice dinner than after Molly goes to bed you and I are gonna wrap Christmas presents.”

“I don’t have much to wrap yet.” Holly sighed. “I have to work on making my gifts.”

“Yeah, but I have lots to wrap and I hate it so I’m totally gonna enlist your help.” Alicia laughed as she turned on the oven.

“Well can I at least work out in the garage until dinner?” Holly asked.

“Sure, can I watch?” Alicia grinned, “Not that watching Candyland isn’t fun and all.”

Holly smiled, “Of course.” She welcomed Alicia’s company. Talking to her would keep her mind off Gerard.

***********************************************************************

Gerard had just made himself a sandwich for dinner when Lindsey and Bandit arrived home.

“Hello.” He said as Lindsey walked in.

Lindsey nodded. Bandit however ran up to him. He lifted her into his arms. “How’s my Baby B?” He covered her face with kisses.

“I’m gonna shower.” Lindsey said tiredly. “Take care of B.”

Gerard nodded. Soon he was sharing his sandwich with Bandit. Afterward he picked up his daughter and carried her into the living room. When Lindsey returned they were watching a Christmas movie on TV.

“Okay B, time of a bath.” Lindsey announced.

Bandit shook her head then placed her arms around Gerard’s neck.

“Come on B.” Lindsey sighed. “It’s late.”

Bandit refused to let go.

“Can’t she just finish watching the movie?” Gerard asked softly.

“I’m tired.” Lindsey said. “I want to get her into bed soon so I can go to sleep.”

“I’ll take care of her.” Gerard offered. “If you’re tired go to bed, I’ve got this covered.”

Lindsey looked at him closely, “You sure?”

He nodded, “Yeah, no problem.”

Lindsey walked over, leaned down and kissed Bandit’s head, “Night Baby B.” She said softly. She stood, looked into Gerard’s eyes a minute then turned to leave the room.

It was hard for him to swallow the lump of emotion in his throat. She couldn’t even pretend to care about him anymore.

*****************************************************************************

Alicia cut a large piece of green and cold wrapping paper. She placed the off shaped box in the center and started to fold up the edges of the paper.

Holly started laughing.

“What?” Alicia asked.

“It’s funny to watch you try to wrap.” Holly smiled, “You’re actually sticking out your tongue.”

Alicia rolled her eyes, “God, I hate wrapping gifts. I only like buying them.”

Holly reached over and pulled the paper and the gift towards her. Soon it was wrapped perfectly.

“I don’t know how you do that.” Alicia sighed.

“Years of practice.” Holly grinned.

Mikey, who was splitting his attention between the girls and the TV, looked over. “Oh Holly I talked to dad today and he’s gonna be here on Wednesday.”

Holly smiled, “That’s nice.”

“He requested you leave Thursday open for him.” Mikey said, “He says he doesn’t have any Christmas gifts bought yet.”

“Okay.” Holly nodded.

“We’ll watch Molly.” Alicia said pulling out another gift from one of her bags.

Holly took it from her and nodded. Soon she had most of Alicia’s gifts wrapped for her.

“So when is Donna coming?” Holly asked.

“She’s gonna be here on Thursday.” Mikey answered. “She’s gonna stay with us and dad is gonna stay at Gee’s.”

Alicia sighed, “I still haven’t planned Christmas Eve dinner. What do you think we should have?” She asked Holly.

“It’s gonna be here?”

“Yeah, we decided to have Christmas Eve here.”

Holly thought a minute. “How about something like Donna used to have?”

“Oh you mean like ham and rolls, a few sides and mostly yummy deserts?’ Alicia’s tone brightened, “That sounds good.”

Mikey nodded, “Yeah, I like that idea.” He smiled “Christmas Eve is gonna be a blast.”

********************************************************************************

Gerard tucked his very sleepy daughter into bed. “Nite, Baby B.” he whispered. “Go to sleep and have happy dreams.” He gently kissed her cheek. She gave him a smile that melted his heart then closed her eyes. Gerard watched her for a few minutes then tip toed out of the room.

Moving into his own bedroom he quickly undressed in the dark then crawled into bed. As usual Lindsey was curled up on her own side facing away from him. He sighed, closed his eyes but sleep wouldn’t come. Once more the past was haunting him.

***************
Jan 25th 2007
****************

“Here.” Gerard smiled as he held out his gift to Holly.

Holly gave him a puzzled look, "Uh, you want me to hold your phone?”

He laughed, “No I want you to hold your new phone.”

“What?” Holly refused to take it from his hand shaking her head.

“Come on Holly.” He’d expected this reaction. “I got it for you today.”

“But I don’t need a cell phone.” She moved towards the kitchen counter. “You staying for dinner?” She asked trying to change the subject.

Gerard pulled out a kitchen chair. “Sure. What are we having?”

“Spaghetti.” Holly smiled. “And garlic bread. Oh and spinach.” She laughed when he made a face. “Gee, you have to eat your spinach or you don’t get any spaghetti.”

He rolled is eyes. “Fine, I’ll eat it. Now about he phone.”

“We already finished that discussion.” Holly said pulling out the meatballs she had already made.

“No, we didn’t.” He sighed, “I got this for you so when I leave tomorrow we’ll be able to stay in touch. This thing is great. We can text each other.”

Holly turned around to face him, “I’ve never sent a text in my life.”

“Well then it’s obviously time you did.” He pulled out his own phone and quickly typed in a text. A moment later the phone he’d bought for Holly vibrated. “There now you have your first text. So now text me back.”

Holly couldn’t help but laugh, “We’re texting each other while we’re in the same room?”

“Yep.” He laughed. “Come here.” He waited until she was standing next to him then pulled her down into the chair beside him. “Okay look.” He showed her which button to push to respond. “Now just type in what you want to say.”

Holly picked up the phone. Slowly she typed in her message. “Okay now what?”

“Push send.”

“Okay, sent.” She stood back up and went over to the counter.

Gerard’s phone vibrated. He read the text then laughed. “I’m not a moron.”

Holly nodded, “Yeah a cute moron but a moron all the same.” As she busied herself making the spaghetti sauce she head her phone vibrate again. Sighing she picked it up.

YOU ARE JUST PLAIN CUTE

“Oh ha ha.” She rolled her eyes.

Gerard suddenly grew serious. “You really are you know.”

Holly was surprised by his words. “Yeah, okay, whatever.” She dismissed them.

“So now we can keep in touch. Besides I want you to have a cell phone because you work late at night. What if your car broke down?"

“The Bug ain’t gonna break down.” Holly said.

“Yeah, it could. And it’s a good idea since you go down to St Tim’s at night. See this way I won’t have to worry.”

It touched her to think he worried. “Fine, Gee. For now while you’re gonna be out of the country I’ll keep the silly phone.”

He felt as if he’d won the battle.

However the first time he text her from Australia things weren’t so great.

Jan 31 2007

G: Hey what’s up?

H: Hey not much How’s Australia?

G: Nice love it here So beautiful

Holly sat down in the silent living room and sighed.

H: I bet.

G: Seen any concert video?

Again Holly sighed. She’d been on Sonja’s computer earlier but she hadn’t seen concert video she’d seen photos.

H: No just pics

G: Which pics?

H: Gazelles

Gerard frowned. Well shit, why of all the pictures did she have to see that one? He thought a moment.

G: I like gazelles. LOL

H: Like Eliza?

As soon as she hit sent she wished she could take it back. “Shit” She whispered.

Gerard decided to play stupid.

G: What?

Holly rolled her eyes. What? Did he think she was stupid?

H: Not hard to match up pic with your fiancée’s words.

Gerard tried to think how to answer. He really hated that the conversation was going this way. He wanted to talk to Holly not talk about Eliza.

Holly waited a moment then typed in another text she would regret.

H: So you wearing your matching ring?

Gerard stared at the screen. What the hell was she talking about? He and Eliza had decided to keep their engagement a secret for now.

G: What are you talking about?

H: Well she’s wearing hers.

G: What? You’ve seen her?

Holly frowned. Did he really not know what was going on?

H: She posted a pic of her hand. Ring was prominent.

G: When?

H: Look it up for yourself. Got to go. Take care.

He punched in her number not caring what the cost of the call would be. The phone rang and rang. “Shit.” He sighed. Suddenly he was angry. He called Eliza.

“Hi Baby.” She answered.

“Hi.’ He knew it was probably a bad idea to get straight to the point but he had to catch a plane soon. “So I heard you posted a picture of yourself wearing your ring.”

“Who told you that?”

“What difference does that make? I thought we agreed to keep the engagement quiet for a while."

“Gee.” She sighed. “What’s wrong, Baby?”

He drummed his finger nervously on the table beside him. “Look, I just want to know why?”

“Why?” He could hear her voice tremble. “Because I love you and I’m happy we’re engaged. I don’t know why this has you so upset. I didn’t say we were engaged. I’m not even sure what picture you’re talking about. I’ve posted a few pictures and I guess my ring must show in one of them. Really, I’m wearing a ring in a picture. If people draw their own conclusions that’s not my fault. Besides you thought it was funny I said I was a gazelle. Remember how you laughed and said that would really get the fans to buzzing?”

He suddenly felt very guilty because he had said that. He knew his fans poured over what he did and now what Eliza posted. But now that Holly had mentioned it, it wasn’t so funny. “Yeah, whatever.” He said tiredly. “Look I gotta go catch a plane.”

“Does Gee miss his Baby?” She purred.

He closed his eyes, “You know I do.”

“Miss you too. Can’t wait till we’re together again. I’m so lonely at night without you.”

“Miss you, Sugar.”

“Love you , Gee.’ She said softly.

“Love you too.” He quickly disconnected.

A moment later he received a text.

H: Sorry I was cranky before. Just worried about you.

He smiled sadly. He knew her words were true, she was worried about him. Holly understood he was being pushed into something he didn’t want but felt unable to stop.

G: That means more to me then you’ll ever know.

H: Be safe, Gee

G: You too. See you soon.

******************************************************************************

Gerard sighed as his thoughts returned to the present. An overwhelming feeling of depression overcame him. How could he have hurt Holly so badly? But more than that, could she ever forgive him?