The Past Ain't Through With You

Gerard got up and leaving his desk made his way to Bandit’s room. For the past several hours he’d sat at that desk lost in thought. Lost in despair. When they’d arrived at the airport he’d been shocked by Lindsey’s words. She had changed her mind; she didn’t want him to accompany her and Bandit on the trip. He’d stood there in the crowded airport feeling lost and hurt. He’d come so close to begging her to change her mind. She had shaken her head sadly, taken Bandit from his arms and walked away telling him they’d be back in a few days. As he’d made his way back to the car tears had blurred his eyesight.

Creeping through the darkened house he reached his daughters bedroom. Pure love for the little girl filled his heart as he looked around. She was the product of the love he and Lindsey once felt for each other and that would never change.

Leaving the room he walked into his bedroom. He changed into his pajama pants but once he reached the bed he stopped. He couldn’t make himself lay down in the bed that was a taunting memory. So many nights he’d crawled into it wanting so desperately to reach out for his wife yet knowing she’d reject his touch.

For the next hour Gerard simply lay on the sofa staring up at the ceiling. He’d left the Christmas Tee plugged in but the colorful lights only worsened his mood.

Rolling over on his side he let his mind return to a happier place in time.

****************
June 30th 2007
*****************

Walking hand in hand Gerard and Holly reached the front door. The brightness of the full moon had illuminated their path back from the beach. Never in his life had Gerard had such a wonderful time simply holding a woman’s hand as they’d walked along the almost deserted beach. They had talked and laughed about nothing in particular but the closeness he felt to her was remarkable.

Unlocking the door he let her enter first.

“Gee, thank you.” She said softly.

He smiled, “I’ll just lock up and turn off the lights.” It was late and he knew she was tired. He too was tired from the walk but his body was humming. He needed time to get his feeling under control. He’d promised not to rush her.

Holly walked slowly toward the bedroom to grabbed her things. When he heard the bathroom door close he exhaled. At the moment he was feeling like nervous, horny teenager, so unsure of what would happen next.

After he’d locked the door and shut off all the lights he made his way into the bedroom. Holly still hadn’t emerged from the bathroom but a smile tugged at his lips when he heard her gently humming.

Quickly he stripped down and was about to don his pajama pants when she suddenly appeared in the bedroom. He hadn’t bothered turning on a light but he could see her clearly. The large windows in the room let in so much moonlight the sight of her sheer nightgown caused his breath to catch.

Holly’s eyes drank in the sight of him standing in only his boxers. Her heart began to pick up speed.

“Uh, haven’t got my Star Wars PJ’s on yet.” He said believing the look on her face was nervousness.

Holly took a calming breath. “Oh, well I guess you could put them on but it seems sorta silly. They’ll just be coming right back off.”

His whole body caught fire. “Right back off?” He chocked out feeling his control slipping.

She closed the distance between them. “If that’s what you want.” She said softly.

His arms pulled her close. “It’s what I want if it’s what you want.” He whispered as his hand gently caressed her back.

“It’s what I want.” Her voice was almost breathless.

Gerard’s brain reminded him he still had to take this slow. Stepping back his let his arms fall from her back but grabbed her hands. “I like the gown.”

Holly smiled, “Sonja bought it for me but I’ve never worn it before now.”

His eyes roamed her full breast barely concealed by the thin lace. “You look beautiful in it.” He smiled.

Holly tried to fight all the insecurities that flooded her mind. She wanted to believe his words. “Thank you.”

Slowly he walked towards the bed still holding her hand. Holly’s eyes never left his.

Throwing back the covers he turned to her intent on reminding her once more that he wouldn’t rush this but was shocked when her hands went around his neck. She pulled his head down and when their lips met all words were forgotten. The kiss was wild, it was frenzied.

They fell on to the bed.

“Holly.” He breathed against her lips.

“Make love to me, Gee." She knew she was begging but she couldn’t stop the words that poured from her soul.

He continued to kiss her lips, his tongue teasing until they were opened. When their tongues met the electricity flowed. His hand caressed a path from her knee up under her gown to her thigh. The moan that escaped her lips was music to his ears. It urged him on.

He broke off the kiss to let his lips travel down her neck. Holly closed her eyes letting the feel of his lips on her skin be her only thought. When he spoke her eyes popped open.

“As lovely as this gown is it’s keeping me from tasting you.” Gerard whispered roughly.

Holly automatically lifted her body so that he could remove the garment. As it fell to the floor his lips latched on to her breast. Holly’s whole body burned for him, for his touch. Her hands gently caressed his bare back as he continued to suckle each sensitive nipple. When her hands made their way down to the elastic of his shorts he understood. Lifting his body just enough she slid her fingers under the material trying to push it down. Gerard stopped long enough to shed the piece of clothing then returned to the sweet torment he was causing her breasts. Holly’s hands cupped his head her fingers entwined in his hair. Soon she wanted more, her body demanded it.

“Gee." She whispered his name. “Please.”

He lifted his head to look into her eyes. The moonlight seemed to make them shine from within. “Holly I wanted our first time to be slow..”

“I need you."

His hand traveled to her womanly core and found she was hot and wet. Slowly his fingers teased her hardened nub causing her whole body to quiver.

“Gee.” She cried out. “Please don’t make me beg.”

Her words caused his fingers to still. “Sugar I just want to make sure you’re ready. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Holly realized he was worried because she’d told him how long it had been since a man had made love to her. “I’m ready.” She said, “So ready.”

Reaching over he opened the bedside table drawer where earlier he’d stashed the condoms. As soon as it was on he glanced over to see her eyes were closed. Moving his body into position over hers he spoke lovingly. “Open your eyes, Sugar.”

Slowly her eyelids fluttered open.

It was in that moment he knew for sure it was love he saw in those large beautiful eyes. Slowly he pushed into her watching her face, looking for signs of pain.

Holly slightly flinched and he stilled.

“No, please don’t stop.” She whispered.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

Her legs came up and clasped around his back urging him on. In one quick thrust he buried himself inside her. She cried out and once more he stilled.

“Please don’t stop.” Holly said breathlessly.

Slowly he began to move inside her.

“Oh.” Holly said arching her back to meet each thrust.

Gerard leaned down to kiss her lips. He was having trouble controlling his body. His dick throbbed wanting release. When he felt her muscles begin to tighten he thrust quicker, harder. When she cried out in ecstasy he let himself lose control.

**********************************************************************************

Gerard rolled on to his back cursing his body. These memories had caused a physical problem his mind couldn’t contend with. A tear escaped his eye as his brain taunted him. He was a man in his thirties; married but had no way to relieve this physical tension. Slowly he lowered his hand to his throbbing dick realizing there was a way.

"No." He ground out. He sat up refusing to give in to his needs. He refused because in his heart he just couldn’t’ face the fact that tonight of all nights he needed this. This felt wrong, it felt dirty.

Quickly he got up went into the kitchen and poured a rum and cola. As wrong as it was he cursed Holly. Her memories had made him feel this way.

He’d just returned to the living room still struggling with his physical and mental pain when he heard his cell phone.

His first thought was to ignore it. He knew it wouldn’t be a text from Lindsey and everyone else assumed he was with his family. Still he couldn’t stop himself from going to the bedroom to grab the phone. When he saw the text was from Holly he felt overwhelmed with emotion. For several minutes he simply stared at the phone. The message simply read THANK YOU but there was an attachment.

Taking another long sip he didn’t first he didn’t notice his fingers shook as he opened the attachment. A bittersweet smile covered his face as he gazed down at the picture. Holly and M were standing in front of the Christmas Tree wearing their matching Sock Monkey pajamas. As he studied the picture closely something struck him. Holly was smiling but that smile didn’t reach her eyes. He took another drink then type a reply.

YOU BOTH LOOK BEAUTIFUL. ARE YOU OKAY?

Holly read the text then read it again. Why would he ask that? Suddenly she had a feeling she couldn’t explain.

ARE YOU?

A tear rolled down his cheek as he read her text. He closed his eyes trying to get his emotions under control.

GEE WHAT’S WRONG?

He read it then answered.

HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

Holly sighed as she typed.

HOW DO YOU?

He took another sip before answering.

THE SMILE DOESN’T REACH YOUR EYES

Holly sat down on the bed. She’d come into the bedroom saying she had a few more things to pack while Molly watched the end of a movie with the others. Suddenly she was tired of pretending.

I FEEL LOST

Gerard had been so afraid of this.

YEAH ME TOO

She frowned.

THINGS NOT GOOD THERE?

He had promised himself he wouldn’t let anyone know what had happened and yet he found himself typing the truth.

SHE DIDN’T WANT ME TO GO

Holly’s heart sank.

YOU ARE AT HOME?

YEAH

Holly lowered her head trying to think. Her heart ached for him and she wanted desperately to help him. Yet part of her knew she should keep her distance. Still the friendship they once shared could not be denied.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COMPANY?

Gerard read the text then read it again. His first thought was to tell her he was okay not to worry. Yet the overwhelming despair he was feeling made being alone seem unbearable. She text again before he could answer.

I WON’T TELL ANYONE YOU ARE HOME

He knew she’d understand.

I’LL BE WAITING, THANK YOU

Holly quickly got dressed then headed out to the living room. She explained she wanted to run to a store she knew was open 24 hours on Christmas to get a few items for the trip. They had assured her it was no problem; they’d put Molly to bed as soon as the movie was over.

Grabbing her keys Holly smiled a thank you then set off into the night. Her friend needed her.

****************************************************************************

Gerard heard her car pull up and was waiting for her at the door. She hugged him then stood back.

“Thanks for coming.” He said closing the door.

They walked into the living room and the first thing Holly saw was his drink sitting on the table. Taking a seat on the sofa she waited until he sat down.

“Tell me what happened.”

He sat down in the chair and automatically his hand reached for the glass.

“Gee, please don’t.” Holly said softly.

Anger was the first emotion that filled him but he forced it away. Dropping his hand from the glass he sighed. “She didn’t tell me until we got to the airport. Fuck, she even let me carry all the bags in. Then suddenly she was saying how she didn’t want me to go.”

“Maybe she just needs some time to herself to sort things out.”

Gerard shook his head. “We both know that’s a lie.”

Holly wished with all her heart there was something she could say that would make this better but there wasn’t.

“So how’d you get away?" He asked.

“I said I need to buy some things for the trip.” Holly answered.

“Oh yeah, you all are leaving tomorrow.” Again his spirits sank even lower.

Holly nodded. “Yeah, for a few days.” She paused then added, “I wish I wasn’t going.”

Again he reached for the drink ignoring the pleading in her eyes. “Don’t matter. As far as they know I’m out of town with my family. Besides it’s not your place to babysit me.”

“I don’t consider being there for a friend babysitting.”

Gerard finished the drink off in one long swallow. “Fuck, this is like history repeating itself. You must get tried of this shit.”

Holly replayed his words in her head then sighed, “This isn’t at all like history repeating itself. You love your wife.”

He swiped at his eyes. “Yeah, well it’s still sorta the same. Here you are trying to make things all better for me.”

“I can’t make them all better.” Holly whispered. “I know that.”

Gerard looked into her eyes. “Do you ever wonder what if?”

She knew exactly what he was thinking. “Yes but I know that’s wrong. Gee, we had such a brief time together, a wonderful time I will always treasure but it ended. We both moved on. You found the woman you loved, you married. Together you had a beautiful child. I believe in my heart that was meant to happen.”

He leaned back and complicated her words. “Bandit is the best part of that love.”

“Yes, she is." Holly smiled.

Suddenly the need for anther drink took over. He was surprised when Holly didn’t try to stop him. When he returned from the kitchen she hadn’t moved. Taking a drink he then sat back down. “But now it’s all gone.”

“No.” Holly shook her head. “It will never be completely gone. You and Lindsey will always share what came from that love. Bandit will always be a reminder of that love.”

“I just don’t know what to do.” His words spilled out from deep within. “I’m afraid.”

“Gee, you have always been afraid to be alone but you’re not really alone. You are surrounded by people who love you. But one thing has changed. You have a baby daughter who needs you. You need to find the strength to be there for her.”

“Is that what you did?”

For a moment his words confused her. Then she understood. “You mean when my life went to hell, when Sonja died?”

He nodded.

“Yes, my love for Molly made me go on. Your love for Bandit will make you go on.”

Again he leaned back and this time closed his eyes. When he heard Holly get up he knew she was going to take his glass but he didn’t stop her.

A moment later after pouring out the contents she returned. “Gee, you need to get some sleep.”

“Yeah.” He whispered. “But on the sofa.”

Holly stood back as he stretched out his body. She grabbed the light throw from the other end of the soda and placed it over him.

“Tell me.” He whispered.

“It will be better in the morning.” Holly said the words she knew he wanted to hear. She leaned down to brush the hair from his face. “While I’m gone please keep in touch, okay? Text me or I’ll worry.”

“I will.” He promised not opening his eyes.

Holly stood but before turning she leaned down and gently placed a kiss on his forehead. “You are stronger than you know Gerard Way. You’ll get through this.”

His eyes opened and he found himself momentarily lost in hers. “Thank you.”

She smiled, “I’ll always be there for you. I promise.” With that she turned and when he heard the door close his eyes fluttered shut.

*****************************************************************************

Holly made a quick stop at the store that supposedly was her reason for going out then returned to Mikey’s.

Molly had been tucked in for the night.

“Hey." Alicia greeted her as she walked in.

Holly smiled. “Thanks for putting her to bed.”

“No problem. So get everything you needed?” She glanced at the bag in Holly’s hand.

“Yep. I’ll just toss this in my bag and we’re ready.”

“We need to leave earlier than I thought.” Alicia sighed.

Mikey nodded, “Yeah, day after Christmas is really gonna be a bitch at the airport. I think we should leave around nine.”

“Okay.” Holly nodded. “Well, goodnight.”

Alicia waited until she heard Holly’s bedroom door close. “She still looks upset.”

Mikey agreed. “Yeah, I noticed.”

“Well we’ll just have to make sure she has fun.” Alicia said smiling. She noticed her husband was frowning. “You don’t think she’ll have fun?”

“Oh it’s not that.” Mikey explained. “I’m just sorta worried about Gee. He said he’d let me know when they arrived at Lindsey’s folks but I haven’t heard from him.”

“Well he was probably just busy.” Alicia reasoned. “They haven’t visited her folks in a long time.”

Mikey nodded. “Yeah, you’re probably right and we need to get to bed too.”

Alicia giggled.

Pulling her close he whispered, “Okay that’s not what I meant but now that you mentioned it…”

Hand in hand they walked down the hall.