The Past Ain't Through With You

It was nearly 10:00 before Gerard arrived at the hospital the next morning. He’d been delayed by a phone call from his lawyer about the impending divorce. Now he was desperately trying not to let the call set his mood for the day but it wasn’t easy. His head was pounding and the stress from everything that was happening was beginning to take its toll on his mind and body.

“Wow, you look bad.” Mikey said as he walked into the waiting room.

Gerard flinched, “Thanks.”

Mikey immediately regretted his words. “I just mean you look tired.”

Ignoring his brother’s attempt to soften his comment Gerard asked, “So has anyone talked to Holly this morning?”

Alicia sighed, “We got here about an hour ago but so far no one has been able to see her. The doctor was with her when we got here.”

“So he’s still with her?” Gerard asked with concern fearing Holly’s condition had worsened.

“The nurse said the doctor would be in to talk to us soon.” Alicia answered.

Gerard sat down tiredly. “How’s Molly?”

“Missing her mama.” Mikey answered. “She cried a lot last night.” As much as he didn’t want to add to Gerard’s problems he knew he had to tell his brother the truth. “When we first got here a woman from Social Services came in to talk to us.”

“Social Services?” Gerard repeated.

Alicia explained, “Yeah, because Holly is a single mother they wanted to make sure Molly is being cared for.”

Gerard spoke up quickly. “Well she is and by family.” He quickly explained part of the conversation he’d had with his lawyer about Molly’s birth certificate.

Mikey was visibly relieved. “I’m glad Holly listed you as the father. I told the woman that Molly was with family but I had to explain the situation to her.”

Gerard sighed, “So now there won’t be any problem, right?”

“There shouldn’t be.” Alicia answered. “The woman said that as long as Molly was with family…”

“Well she is." Gerard cut in not wanting to worry about anything else. “She’s staying with her aunt and uncle.”

Mikey smiled sadly, “All the time M’s been calling me Uncle Mikey I never realized it was the truth.”

“So where’s Bob?” Gerard asked not wanting to deal with the emotions he felt because of Mikey’s words.

“He’s taking Molly to the zoo today." Mikey answered. “Since she had such a bad night he figured it might cheer her up.”

“Molly really likes him, doesn’t she?”

“Yeah.” Mikey answered hoping that fact didn’t upset Gerard. “She does. He said he’d come to the hospital this afternoon when we got back.”

As much as he hated to ask Gerard felt it was necessary. “How’s Molly getting along with Ma?” He didn’t miss the look that passed between Mikey and Alicia.

“Uh, okay.” Alicia answered. “But Molly knows Mikey, Bob and me better so I think she feels more comfortable around us.”

Gerard shook his head sadly, “Kid pick up on things, don’t they?”

Again Mikey and Alicia looked at each other before Alicia spoke. “What do you mean?”

Gerard sighed, “What I mean is Ma has got it in her mind that my divorce is somehow Holly’s fault. I just hope to fuck she doesn’t let that effect the way she acts towards Molly."

“Ma mentioned the argument you and she had." Mikey admitted. “Dad told me about it too.”

“Then you know what Ma thinks.” Gerard sighed.

“Gee, we know Holly isn’t the reason.” Alicia said softly. “And by the way I talked to Lindsey this morning. I’m glad she and Bandit are coming back to LA soon.”

“Me too.” He nodded, “But now the need for me to find a new place to live is more pressing.”

“You can stay with us.” Mikey offered again.

The idea of moving into his brother’s house wouldn't work. Bob was still in one guest room and his mother was sharing the other with Molly. “No, I gotta find my own place.”

Mikey nervously brought up another pressing problem. “But will you be able to find something before we leave on tour?”

Gerard glanced at his watch. “I have to. But I called Christa this morning and she’s been in touch with her friend who sells real estate. She has a property she wants me to look at this afternoon. It’s out near Yucaipa.”

“Shit, that’s too far.” Mikey worried.

Gerard shrugged, “Yeah but for now it is furnished and I can rent it. If I like it she said the owner would be open to the idea of selling.”

“You really want to live that far out of town?” Alicia asked.

It was hard to talk about this while his concern over Holly was growing. He wanted the doctor to come in and give them a report. Still he tried to keep his mind on the conversation. “I do want to get out of LA and I want my own home.” He sighed, “Linds is getting the house but I will still pay for all the maintenance and upkeep.” He looked down, “Uh also a lot in child support.”

“So her lawyer has already been in touch?" Mikey asked.

“Yeah, her lawyer and mine are working on the details.” He shook his head, “Fuck I never thought it would come to this.”

Alicia reached over to give his hand a squeeze. “Sorry." She whispered.

Gerard gave her a shaky smile, “Thanks. You know even though I realize this is what’s best for us it’s still hard.”

“Of course it is." Mikey nodded. “We understand that, Gee.”

The door opened and yet another doctor they hadn’t seen before walked in and introduced himself.

“How is she today?” Alicia asked.

Dr Wynn sat down. “Well, I am happy to report that she is making good progress. Her vital signs are all stable and she’s alert this morning.” He added softly, “But she is in a lot of pain.”

“Did she ask about her injuries?” Gerard asked.

The doctor looked over at him. “Yes, she did.”

“So she knows about the spinal injury?”

“Yes she is aware. The good news is that Holly does have feeling in her legs. However, she has no movement.”

“And that’s good?" Alicia asked.

“The fact that she has feeling is a good sign. I have gone over her MRI results and I believe with physical therapy she will regain the use of her legs.” He paused, “However Holly is very upset. She told me about her young daughter…”

Gerard interrupted, “Holly doesn’t need to worry about anything. We’re taking care of her while Holly gets better.”

“Yes, I understand that.” The doctor nodded, “However Holly is not only worried about her daughter she is worried about the amount of time and expense her recovery will take.”

“She don’t need to worry about that either.” Gerard said quickly. “She don’t need to worry about anything but getting better.”

The doctor sighed, “She needs a positive attitude. A patient’s recovery can be hindered if they have negative thoughts. When I spoke to her it is apparent that Holly is mentally not in a good place. I’ve asked our staff psychologist to speak to her.”

Gerard’s spirits were sinking. “Uh, I’m sure part of the problem was caused by what happened right after the attack.”

The doctor turned to him obviously waiting for Gerard to explain.

“See Molly is my daughter but I didn’t know that. Holly told me right before the paramedics showed up.”

Dr. Wynn sat back taking in Gerard’s words. “I see." He said slowly. “I will admit I’d heard rumors you were the child’s father but when I spoke to Holly she made it seem she was a single mother with no family.”

Gerard sighed, “I’m not sure she remembers telling me.”

“If you are willing I’d like you to speak to Dr Grey the psychologist I’ve called in before he sees Holly. I think he should be aware of this situation.”

Gerard nodded, “Yeah, sure.”

“He also should know about Holly’s eating disorder.” Alicia added.

Dr Wynn nodded, “It would be good for him to hear first hand from people who are aware of that situation but the fact she has one is already noted in her files.”

“So when will this Dr Grey see Holly?” Alicia asked.

“He’s scheduled to see her late this afternoon. In cases like this, where a patient has a condition that will take all their strength mentally to overcome, we like to get them seen as soon as possible.”

“Uh, have you told Holly a psychologist is gonna see her?” Gerard asked.

“She was not pleased at first.” Dr Wynn admitted. “But when I explained that it is common procedure in trauma cases such as hers she seemed open to the idea.”

“Is it procedure?” Gerard asked.

“Actually it is.” The doctor nodded, “An attack as vicious as the one Holly suffered can leave some pretty deep mental scars. Many times those scars don’t show up for a long time.” He shifted his clipboard, “But in Holly’s case, seeing that she has other issues I think it’s truly for the best.” He stood, “We are planning on keeping her in ICU at least for several more days. But we have upgraded her condition to fair.”

“Can I see her now?” Gerard asked.

“Yes, but no longer than fifteen minutes. I believe Dr Grey will be able to speak to you in about twenty minutes. One of the nurses will show you to his office.” He glanced pointedly at Gerard. “And it would be best if nothing is said that would upset her. I’m still concerned with her blood pressure. It was elevated this morning.”

Gerard nodded, “I understand.”

Once the doctor left Gerard turned to Mikey and Alicia. “I’m not gonna say anything about what she told me." He knew this was a question both of them were wondering. “I don’t want anyone to mention it.”

“For now that’s best.” Alicia said softly. “Unless of course she says something about it.”

Gerard felt in his heart that wasn’t going to happen. Still he wasn’t sure, did she remember? “After we talk to Dr Grey I’m gonna have to take off. You guys are gonna stick around though, right?”

Mikey nodded, “Yeah, we figure we’ll stay here until Bob shows up. Then we’ll head home for dinner with Molly. You wanna join us for dinner tonight?"

As much as Gerard knew he should spend time with his daughter there were matters he had to deal with today. “I’m not sure what time I’ll get back.” He explained. “But I’ll definitely be back here this evening.”

**************************************************

As he walked towards Holly’s ICU cubical Gerard tried to calm his nerves. He was excited to finally be able to talk to Holly but he was also worried. He prayed seeing him wouldn’t upset her.

He walked slowly towards the bed and saw that her eyes were open. “Hey.” He smiled as he sat down and took her hand in his. “God, it’s good to see you awake.” When she slightly turned her head to look at him his stomach dropped. There was no life in Holly’s eyes. Her first words broke his heart.

“I can’t move my legs.”

Gerard plastered a smile on his face knowing how important it was for her to gain a positive attitude. “Yeah, I know. But the doc is sure you’re gonna be able to regain the use of your legs.”

Holly turned her head away.

Gerard squeezed her hand. “Holly I promise it’s all gonna be all right. You’re gonna get better.”

She remained silent.

“The doctor said you’re doing much better.” He said trying to remain upbeat.

Holly still was silent.

Gerard had never seen Holly like this and it scared him. Right now it looked as if she’d totally given up. “Uh, did you see the picture Molly drew for you?”

Her voice was low, “Yes, our trailer. We should never have left there.”

He struggled to find the right thing to say. “While I hate like fuck what happened to you I hate the idea of you not coming back into my life even more.”

She slowly turned her head to look at him. “I should never have come here.”

“Please don’t say that.” He whispered sadly. “I promise it’s all going to be all right. You’re gonna make a full recovery.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

While the doctor had warned him she was mentally in a bad place he’d never expected it would be this bad. “Of course it matters. Molly needs you, she loves you.” He forced himself not to add his own feelings.

“I’m sorry to inconvenience Mikey and Alicia.” Holly said slowly.

“What?” Gerard shook his head, “You mean about taking care of Molly? Hell you have to know they love her. It ain’t no fuckin’ inconvenience.”

Holly closed her eyes.

Gerard squeezed her hand again. “Holly listen to me. You have a whole lot of people here who love you and Molly.”

She ignored his words instead saying, “If I’d only left a day earlier.”

Now that she had brought up the fact that she had been planning on leaving he wanted to address the issue. “I know you were planning on leaving before the attack. Bob’s here. He told me.”

“He should go back home.”

Gerard sighed, “He’s here and he’s stayed because he cares about you.”

“He should go.” She said softly.

Suddenly she opened her eyes. “I’m so stupid. Everything I try to do turns bad.”

“That’s not true.” He said hurriedly. “You have no idea how much people appreciate what you do. I know I was the one who told you not to go to that shelter but I get why you did. You do things for others because you care.”

“And that’s worked out for me, hasn’t it?”

Now he heard anger in her voice. “Bad things happen to good people.” He was about to say more but a nurse suddenly walked in.

“Dr. Grey can see you and your friends now.”

Gerard nodded, “Yeah, okay.”

Holly was staring at him. “Why are you talking to him?”

He tried to smooth the situation over not wanting to upset her any further. “Uh, we’ve just been talking to all the doctors.”

“Yeah better talk to that one. You all can discuss crazy Holly and all the stupid shit she’s done in her life.”

Her anger and words shocked him. “Holly you went through a brutal attack. No one thinks you’re crazy.”

“No I’m not.” She closed her eyes again, “Just stupid and pathetic.”

“Don’t ever say that.” Gerard said his voice filled with emotion. “You aren’t stupid or pathetic. You’re a good kind hearted woman who’s going through something brutal.”

Holly once more remained silent.

The nurse was still waiting to lead Gerard to Dr Grey’s office. Letting go of Holly’s hand Gerard stood. “I’ll be back later tonight.”

“Why?”

Gerard sighed, “Because since the attack I've been here every fuckin’ day. I’m here for you Holly. That ain’t gonna change.” When he saw that she wasn’t going to respond he leaned down to press a kiss on her forehead then turned to leave.

************************************************************

An hour later Gerard was walking with Mikey and Alicia back to the waiting room. They had spoken to Dr Grey filling him in on what they each knew about Holly’s life. It had saddened Gerard immensely to realize there were still so many things about her past he didn’t know and quite possibly would never know.

“I’m kinda scared to sit with Holly now.” Alicia said sadly.

“Why?” Gerard asked.

“Because of what you said. Shit, if she’s that depressed and angry I’m afraid I’ll say something to her that will make it worse.”

Gerard glanced at his watch knowing he had to leave soon. “Just talk about how she’s gonna get better. Remind her how much Molly loves her.”

“I will.” Alicia said. “But I really think it will be better when they move Holly out of ICU. Then Molly can come see her.”

“She needs to see her.” Mikey said softly.

Gerard agreed. “We just have to try to get her out of this depression. I mean I understand how she feels, she’s scared. But we have to make her believe she’ll be okay.” He sighed, “I wish I didn’t have to leave but I’ve got to get going.”

“Yeah, I know.” Mikey said turning to his brother. “We’ll stay here with Holly until Bob gets here.”

Gerard tried very hard not to let certain thoughts fill his head but it was difficult. Part of him hoped Bob would be able to get through to Holly and make her see things would work out, that she would make a full recover, but at the same time he wished with all his heart he could be the one to do that for her.

He had just arrived at the bank of elevators when the door slid open. “Ma.” He said shocked to see Donna.

“How’s Holly?’ Donna asked as she stepped out of the elevator.

Gerard tried to hide the fact that he wasn’t pleased to see his mother. “Not so good. The doctors told her about her spinal injury. She’s very depressed and in a lot of pain.”

Donna shook her head. “Poor Holly. I want to see her.”

Gerard tried not to show he believed that was a bad idea. “Ma, maybe you should wait until she’s out of ICU.”

“Look, this is the first time I’ve been able to get here. Bob took Molly for the day so I’m here and I want to see her.”

Gerard glanced at his watch again knowing if he didn’t leave soon he’d miss his appointment to see the property. “Okay but Ma you gotta promise you won’t upset her.”

“What?” Donna was miffed, “Why would you think I’d upset her. Gerard, I like Holly I always have. I know I said some things I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry about that. But don’t think for a minute I don’t care about Holly.”

“Okay.” He relented “But please do not mention anything about me being Molly’s dad.”

“Alicia told me that Holly doesn’t seem to remember she told you.”

“Yeah, that’s right.” Gerard nodded.

"You think that’s the truth?”

He tried to control his anger. “Don’t know if it is or not but what I do know is it’s important for Holly to remain calm. The doctors are still concerned about her blood pressure and they’ve told us not to upset her.” He took his mother’s arm to guide her to the waiting room where Mikey and Alicia were seated. “So, say nothing about this, okay?”

“I won’t.” Donna promised. “But I do want to see her. I’ll just tell her that I’m helping out taking care of Molly so she doesn’t need to worry.”

“Yeah, good.” Gerard said as they entered the waiting room. “Uh, mom wants to see Holly.” He said to his brother and Alicia.

“Sure.” Alicia said slowly, “The next scheduled visit Donna can go in.” She looked deeply into Gerard’s eyes. “Uh, she understands about…”

Gerard cut her off, “Yeah, she knows not to say anything about what Holly told me. I gotta go.”

“Where are you going?” Donna asked.

“I’m meeting a real estate agent to look at a house.” He answered shortly.

“Oh Gee.” Donna sighed, “Aren’t you rushing things?”

He didn’t have time to get into this with his mother. “Ma, I’m getting a divorce. Linds is keeping the house so I have to find a place to live.”

“But maybe….”

He shook his head. “Ma, stop.” With that he quickly sprinted out of the room.

Donna turned to Mikey as soon as Gerard was gone. “You brother seems to think I would purposely hurt Holly.”

Mikey sighed, “Ma, you know why.”

“I told him I was sorry about what I said. I talked to Lindsey again this morning and she made me realize I was wrong, I shouldn’t blame Holly for their problems.”

“That’s true.” Alicia said glad that Donna had a change of heart.

“Still.” Donna said taking a seat. “I do wish Gerard and Lindsey could work things out. Maybe if he spent some time trying.”

Mikey knew where this was going. “Ma, Gee and Lindsey have been having problems for a long time. It’s not like this just started between them.”

Donna shook her head, “I know but he’s spending so much time here.”

Mikey had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He knew wither his mom would admit it or not she was still blaming Holly for the divorce, just in a different way. “Ma, when you go in to see Holly just try to be upbeat. She’s very depressed.”

“Gerard told me.” Donna nodded.

***********************************************************

Almost an hour later Alicia glanced at the clock. “You should be able to go in now. “I’ll show you where she is.”

Mikey watched them walk out feeling apprehensive. He prayed his mother’s visit wouldn’t upset Holly.