The Past Ain't Through With You

As soon as the hospital elevator doors opened Gerard was surprised to see Arthur walking down the hallway.

“Good morning, Gerard.” Arthur greeted him. “I was just visiting Holly.”

“Morning.” Gerard said trying not to let his disappointment show. Since Arthur had been with Holly this meant she would not be allowed to have another visitor for an hour and he really had hoped to talk to her. “Uh, how is she this morning?”

Arthur frowned, “Sadly her spirits are very low.” He nodded towards the private waiting room. “If you have time I’d like to talk to you.”

“Sure." Gerard nodded.

They walked in and sat down before Arthur spoke again. “She’s very upset.”

“You didn’t talk about Molly, did you?’ Gerard asked hurriedly. He hoped Arthur understood they were not going to mention the fact that Gerard knew he was the little girl’s father.

Arthur sighed, “I realize you do not want Molly’s parentage discussed right now.” He paused, “And while I know this really isn’t any of my business I can’t help but wonder if that is the right decision.”

“Why?” Gerard asked.

“I know this is a difficult situation. However I just wonder if by not discussing this with Holly it might seem to her that you are purposely avoiding the subject.”

“But she’s said she doesn’t remember a lot about what happened. And the doctors don’t want her upset. Holly hid the truth from me and I’m sure the only reason she told me was because she believed she was dying. I’m just fuckin’ afraid that if I bring it up now she’ll be upset.” He ran his hand through his hair nervously. “Shit I don’t know what to think or do.”

“I understand.” Arthur said kindly. “It is a very difficult situation.”

“So what did you two talk about?” Gerard asked.

“She is very upset because she does not have insurance. When I arrived she told me that the doctor had spoken to her this morning in more detail about her spinal injury. She understands she will need a lot of physical therapy and perhaps several surgeries.”

Gerard sighed, “She don’t need to worry about that.”

Arthur knew he needed to make Gerard understand. “Well it is natural she would worry. The cost of her care is weighing on her mind as is the amount of time it will take for her to recover. I am sure one of her biggest concerns is Molly. She is afraid she will not be able to care for her.” He paused, “And caring for Molly is the most important thing in Holly’s world.”

“But she doesn’t need to worry about that. Molly is happy at Mikey and Alicia’s house.”

“Yes, but Holly knows Mikey will be leaving to tour soon. That will leave only Alicia to care for Molly.”

“Alicia loves Molly.”

Arthur smiled, ‘Yes, I realize that but you must try to look at his from Holly’s point of view. Alicia told me that Holly was preparing to leave LA. Now she will be hospitalized for a long period of time. Her whole life is now in turmoil. Since the day I met Holly I understood how important it is to her to be strong. As a single parent she has carried for her little girl but now that has been taken away from her and she’s afraid.”

“So you think I should just admit I know I’m Molly’s father? Do you think that would ease her mind?”

Arthur sighed, “I’m not sure. Look I hope I’m not overstepping my bounds but I need to ask, do you know why Holly was leaving so abruptly?”

Gerard looked away. “Yeah, I’m sure it was because of me. She knew my marriage was ending and she didn’t want any part of that.”

Arthur was not surprised, “And does she know you and your wife have separated?”

“Linds told Holly the morning of the attack that she was going to ask me for a divorce.” He paused, “And my mom told Holly that Linds had taken our daughter and left town.”

‘Oh." Arthur said softly.

“But what Holly needs to understand is that she had nothing to do with my marriage breaking up. Things had been wrong between me and Linds for a long time before Holly ever showed up in LA.”

“This is a tangled mess.”

Gerard sighed, “Yeah, for sure. All I want is for Holly to concentrate on her recovery.”

“Sadly I don’t see that happening. She is very depressed.” He paused a moment then decided Gerard had a right to know what Holly had said earlier. “She told me that it would have been better if she’d died.”

“Oh fuck.” Gerard exploded. “How could she say that?”

“The depression she feels made her say that." Arthur said sadly. “Not knowing if she’ll ever be able to walk again, to care for Molly, made her say that.”

“Well she needs to stop thinking like that.” Gerard said feeling his gut twisting. “She can’t give up.”

“I agree.” Arthur nodded. He had an idea he wanted to bounce off Gerard. “I have a close friend I’d like to call. He is a clinical psychologist who deals mainly with patients who have suffered a traumatic experience. I’d like to get his opinion on Holly’s condition.”

“They already have a psychologist from the hospital talk to her.”

“Yes, Holly mentioned that. And while I’m sure he is a fine doctor my friend is very well known in his profession. I know as a favor to me he will see Holly and I truly believe he could help her.”

“Yeah but how will she react to that?” Gerard worried.

“I believe we have to do what is best for her.” Arthur said with determination. “She must recovery mentally and physically. You know Holly has become like a daughter to me. She is a beautiful woman who tries so hard to do things for others. I could always see that in her. Her work at the shelters for instance attests to that fact. But the woman I just talked to is not Holly. The woman lying in there is scared and angry and ready to give up. We need to help her.”

“I just wish I didn’t have this tour." Gerard said sadly. “If there was any way I could stay I would.”

“I believe that." Arthur said glancing down at his watch. “But I understand you have commits you can’t break.”

“It just seems like I’m running out on her." Gerard whispered. In his mind he added, “just like I did before.”

*************************************************

In the end Gerard had to leave the hospital before seeing Holly. She was scheduled for more tests and would not be returning to ICU for several hours. He had a business meeting with the band he couldn’t put off and had promised Molly that they would take a trip up to his new house.

When he arrived for the meeting Frank was waiting outside the building. “Hey Gee."

“Hey." Gerard said rushing towards the door because he knew he was late. “Sorry I was at the hospital."

“How’s Holly?” Frank asked grabbing his arm to slow him down.

Gerard sighed, "Not good.”

“And how are you?” Frank asked, his voice full of concern. Mikey and Ray had both filled him in on what had been happening.

“Fuckin’ stressed, worried, scared and sad." Gerard said in a rush unable to hide the truth.

“I’m sorry about you and Lindsey." Frank said softly.

“Yeah, me too." Gerard pulled open the door standing back to let Frank pass by first. “I fuckin’ hate it came to this.”

When Frank had heard about the breakup he’d been sad but not surprised. It had been obvious to him for a long time that the marriage was in trouble. “I hate it too.”

They reached to conference room doors but Frank grabbed Gerard’s hand to stop him from opening the door. “Man, I just want you to know I’m here for you. I know this is a fuckin’ rough time.”

“Thanks.” Gerard forced himself to smile. “But I’ll be okay. I have to be okay.”

Frank looked into his eyes. “If you need to talk, anytime, you know I’m ready to listen.”

Gerard nodded, “Yeah, I know that.”

“Uh before I head home I’d like to see Holly. I know she’s only allowed visitors a short time and all but I really just want her to know Jamia and I are thinking about her.”

“She’s so fuckin’ depressed.” Gerard whispered. He couldn’t stop himself from telling Frank what Arthur had told him. “She said it would have been better if she’d died.”

"Oh fuck.” Frank shook his head, “How could she think that?”

“Because she’s scared.”

“Poor Holly.” Frank said softly. “She’s had such a tough life.”

“Yeah, and I sure as fuck never helped make that fact any better.” Gerard said angrily.

“Gee, you didn’t know." Frank reminded him.

“Don’t change the fact that I fuckin’ broke her heart because I was so stupid. I should have realized so many things when we were together.”

“Look, you can’t go back and change the past.” Frank said sadly.

“Yeah, I know.” Gerard nodded, “But I’m sure a fuck gonna do everything I can to make her life better from this point on.”

******************************************************

“Wes dare yet?” Molly asked peering out the window at the passing scenery.

Gerard glanced in the rear view mirror at his daughter who was seated in her car seat behind him. “Almost. Are you ready to help me move all my stuff in?”

Molly turned her head to look at the boxes he’d packed in the car before picking her up. “Yep.”

“Well that’s good.” Gerard smiled.

He pulled up to the small guard house at the main entrance to the gated community. The guard who recognized him waved as he passed. Molly waved back.

“Okay, Squirt. We’re almost there.” Gerard announced.

Molly began to excitedly bounce up and down.

When he pulled up in front of the house and stopped the car he saw Molly unhooking her car seat belt. “Hey, I’m supposed to do that.”

Immediately her face fell. “Mes sorry.”

He got out of the car and quickly opened the door. “I’m not mad, Honey. I just don’t want you unhooking your seat because I want you to be safe.”

Molly nodded, “Mommy tells mes dat too but wes stopped.”

Gerard smiled, “Yes, that’s true. But next time let me unhook the belt, okay?”

She nodded. “Otays Gee.”

Lifting her out of the seat he grinned, “Time to get to work. Let’s unlock the door.” He said as he pulled the keys out of his pocket. Suddenly a feeling of happiness he couldn’t explain came over him as they walked towards the door. This house just seemed to promise a new beginning, one he so desperately needed.

Beside him Molly slipped her hand in his as they walked up the stone path.

Gerard unlocked the door then stepped back to let Molly enter first.

“Pweety.” Her eyes grew large as she spied the glass wall of windows that overlooked the woods behind the house.

“It is, isn’t it?” Gerard smiled. “Okay wait here and I’m going to grab one of the boxes.”

Molly nodded while still looking around.

She was standing looking out the huge floor to ceiling windows when he returned. Setting down the box he explained. “Okay, Squirt. Here is a dust rag for you. Can you please dust the shelves for me?” He pointed over to the shelves that stood on each side of the fireplace.

“Mes dood at dustin’” Molly smiled.

Gerard grinned. “I’ll carry in boxes while you do that. Then you can help me put my books on the shelf.” He deliberately had chosen this job first because he wanted something he knew Molly could do. A few minutes later when he walked through the door he saw she was wiping the shelves with determination.

Soon she had each shelf she could reach carefully dusted. As he carried in yet another box she spoke very seriously, “Mes can’t weach dem.” She pointed to the higher shelves.

“No problem.” Gerard answered walking over to her. He took the rag from her hands and quickly dusted the higher shelves. “There. Now I’ll open the boxes and you can start to put the books up.”

Molly nodded. “Otay.”

“Some of these books are heavy so just put them up one at a time, okay?”

She nodded again.

For about twenty minutes he worked on carrying in boxes while Molly carefully lifted out books and placed them on the shelves. It touched his heart to watch her look at each book before deciding which shelf to place it on. She was working with such purpose.

After the last box was carried in Gerard collapsed on the sofa.

“Youse otay?” Molly asked immediately.

“I’m fine just tired.” Gerard nodded. “How are you doing?”

“Mes almost gots one done.” She answered looking down into the box at her feet.

He was surprised at how focused his daughter was on the task at hand. From his spot on the sofa he watched her continue to work. “Bet you help your mommy a lot.” As soon as he said those words he regretted them afraid by bringing up Holly he’d upset the little girl. He was surprised when Molly turned to him with a smile on her face.

“Mes do. Mommy says mes a dood alper.”

“You are a great helper.” Gerard nodded.

Molly placed the last book from the box on the shelf then moved to the next. Carefully she pulled out the first item but instead of a book it was the framed picture of Lindsey and Bandit he’d packed. Molly stared at the photo a minute and he was about to say something when she turned and placed the photo on one of the shelves. “Dare.” She said to herself. “Dat wooks dood.”

“That looks perfect.” He said softly.

“Youse missed dem.” Molly said turning to face him.

“I sure do.” He nodded once more touched by the level of understanding this child possessed.

“Mes too.” Molly nodded.

Suddenly Gerard felt a wave of sadness come over him. He sighed, “I’m gonna call them.”

Molly nodded, “Otay mes will keeps workin”

He smiled then pulled out his phone. Lindsey answered on the fourth ring. “Hey, Gee. What’s up?”

“Hey Linds.” He said softly. “Uh I was wondering if I could talk to Bandit.”

“Of course.” Lindsey answered. She handed the phone to Bandit and he could hear her explaining that daddy was on the line.

“Hey Baby B.” He said making his voice cheerful. “How are you?” He wasn’t sure what she answered but just hearing her voice was all that was important. After a few minutes Lindsey was back on the line.

“How are you doing, Gee?”

He sighed, “I’m okay. I want you to know I’ve found a place of my own.”

“Oh." She said, “Well that’s good.”

“Yeah, so you can move back into the house soon. I’ve started moving my things but some stuff we need to decide about together.”

“Okay." Lindsey said softly. “Where are you now?”

“At my new place.” He answered his eyes still on Molly. “Uh, actually Molly is helping me move in.”

“Really?”

“Yep, she’s good help." He saw Molly smile.

“And how’s Holly?” Lindsey asked.

Knowing he couldn’t really discuss this right now he answered, “About the same, a little better physically.”

Lindsey understood. “Well that’s good. Have you spoken much to her?”

“Nope.” He sighed, “And the little I did wasn’t too good.”

“Gee, why don’t you call me later when you can talk about it?”

He was touched by her concern about the situation. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Lindsey sighed, “Gee, I’ll always be there for you to talk to. I want you to know that.”

“I miss you.” Gerard said closing his eyes and allowing himself to speak the truth from deep in his heart.

Lindsey’s voice was soft and gentle. “I miss you too, Gee. But it’s like missing a very close friend.” She hoped he’d not be hurt by her words but they were her truth.

He sighed, “Yeah, I understand. So when are you coming back to LA?”

“Well.” Lindsey hedged not really sure.

“Hey now that I’ve got my own place I can be out of the house in a few days.”

“So your new place is furnished?” She guessed.

“Yep, which made things a lot easier.”

Molly crawled up on the sofa beside him. “Dat Wensy?”

Gerard nodded.

“Mes says hi.”

“Uh, Linds Molly wants me to say hi for her.”

"She’s such a sweetie.” Lindsey said softly. “Tell her I said hi right back.”

He repeated the message.

“B dare too?”

Gerard nodded, “Yep I already talked to B.”

Molly’s face fell. “Mes wants to talks to B.”

Gerard smiled, “Uh Linds, Molly wants to talk to B.”

“Okay.” Lindsey laughed, “I’ll put her on.” She handed to the phone to Bandit while explaining who was on the line. Gerard handed his phone to Molly doing the same. He sat back and watching in amazement as his daughters carried on a conversation. He couldn’t understand a word Molly was saying. A few minutes later she handed the phone back to him.

‘Tanks.”

Gerard nodded as he lifted the phone back to his ear.

“Gee that was so cute.” Lindsey laughed, “I swear I have no idea what Bandit was saying but I think they really understood each other.”

"Yeah.” Gerard said slowly, “I think so too.”

“Well I better get going.” Lindsey sighed, “We’re going out to eat tonight and I’ve got to get B ready.”

"Yeah, okay.” Gerard said, “It was good talkin’ to you.” That sounded lame to his ears.

“Gee, I’ve told you, anytime you want to talk you can call me. And…” She paused, “B and I will probably be back in a few days.”

That news made him smile. “Great. I’ll have most of my shit moved by then.” He saw Molly frown and start to open her mouth. “Uh I mean I’ll have most of my stuff moved soon.”

Lindsey laughed, “Molly, right?”

“Yeah, she’s teaching me to watch my language.”

“Don’t stress about moving your stuff.” Lindsey said. “I know you’ve got a lot going on right now.”

“Yeah I do but I know this move is important.” He gripped the phone tightly. “I’m gonna do what I have to do.”

Lindsey was touched by the determination in his voice. “That’s really good, Gee. It sounds like your handling everything really well.”

"I am.” Gerard answered. “I’m done messing up shi…uh, things in my life. I’m gonna handle things like I should.”

“See ya soon.” Lindsey said softly.

“See ya.” Gerard said then closed his phone. He realized he felt better now, calmer. “Okay Squirt. Let’s get back to work and when we’re done will get some ice cream.”

Molly looked puzzled, “Whys youse keeps callin’ mes Squirt?”

He was afraid he’d upset her. “I dunno. It’s just a cute nickname but I won’t call you that if you don’t like it.”

She folded her arms and sighed, “Mes sorta wikes it.”

“You do?”

“Yep.” She seemed to have come to a decision. “Mes wikes it.” She carefully climbed off the sofa. “Can mes sees the rest of the house?”

“Oh sure.” He got up then took her hand. “I’ll give you a tour.”

Hand in hand they walked down the hallway. When Molly saw the first bedroom with the twin beds he couldn’t stop himself from saying. “I’m hoping when Bandit gets back maybe you and she can stay with me sometime. You each would have your own bed.”

He was surprised when Molly suddenly looked sad. “Wheres mommy gonna sweep?”

He wished he’d kept his mouth shut. “Well..” He hedged.

“Mes donts wants to stay witfout mommy.”

Gerard lifted her into his arms. “Yeah, I understand. I know how much you miss her.”

“Mes all mommys gots.”

Pain tore at his soul. “Is that what she told you?”

Molly nodded. “Yep. Shes all mes gots too. Gee, whens mommy gonna comes back?”

“I hope she’s better really soon.” He whispered gently. “But Me and Mikey and Alicia and Bob and my mom and dad all like taking care of you until she comes back.”

“Mes wikes dem too but theys nots mommy.”

“I know, Honey.” Gerard hugged her tighter. He wanted to cheer her up. “Come on you still have more house to see.”

Molly took his hand once he lowered her back down.

After they toured the upper floor he led her down to the retro room. He was happy to see her reaction.

“Des nice.” Molly said looking around in awe.

“I like it too.” Gerard smiled.

Molly gave him a very serious look, "Youse be appy ear Gee.”

“You think I will be happy here?” At times he wasn’t sure he understood everything she said.

She nodded. “Yep mes sure.”

Her sweetness touched his heart. “Well I’m happy here right now because you’re here.”

Molly grinned. “Wes gots to gets ack to wurk.”

“Yep we do.” Gerard said holding her hand as they started back up the stairs.

‘Thens wes gets ice queem.” She said as they reached the top step.

Gerard laughed, “Yeah Squirt, then we get ice cream.”