The Past Ain't Through With You

When the car pulled into Mikey’s driveway Molly awoke with a start. She’d fallen asleep on the trip back and was momentarily confused. Her eyes flew open and she started to cry.

Gerard quickly got out of the car and opened the back door. “What’s wrong?”

Molly’s eyes were wide and frightened.

“It’s okay, Squirt.” Gerard said gently as he lifted her out of the car seat. “We’re back at Mikey’s now. Don’t cry.”

She buried her head in his neck as he carried her towards the house. Alicia had the front door open by the time they reached it.

“What’s wrong?” She asked seeing Molly’s tears.

Gerard sighed, “She fell asleep and I think she got scared when the car stopped.”

“Honey, are you okay?” Alicia patted her gently on the back.

She lifted her head. “Mes wants mommy.” She cried.

Alicia and Gerard’s eyes met in silent understanding.

“Hey Squirt.” Gerard tried to sound cheerful. “I’m gonna go to the hospital to see your mommy. I’ll tell her how much you miss her.”

“Mes wants to sees er.”

He hugged her tightly. “I know you do but you can’t yet. The doctors are still making her all better so she can come home.”

“But homes our twailer and its nots ear.”

“I mean so she can come here.” Gerard said softly. “Okay?”

“Otay, Gee.” She said softly.

He placed her on her feet. “Now you have to tell everyone how much work we got done.” He could see Mikey and his mom sitting in the living room. “I’m sure they want to know all about it.”

Mikey nodded, “I sure do, M. Come over here and tell me about Gee’s new house.”

Molly nodded but instead of moving she looked up at Gerard. “Youse gonna tell mommy hows much mes alped?”

He hated to lie but he had no intention of telling Holly that he’d spent the afternoon with their daughter. “Sure.”

Molly stared at him. “Youse pomise?”

He felt trapped. “Yeah, I promise. Now I’ve got to get going but maybe in a few days you can help me again? That sound good?”

She smiled, “Yep, Gee. Dat sounds dood.”

He leaned down and kissed her cheek. “Love you, Squirt.” He whispered.

“Luvs youse too.” She answered before skipping over to the sofa where Mikey was waiting.

Alicia walked Gerard to his car. “Are you going to tell Holly?”

He frowned, “I’m not sure that would be a good idea. I don’t want to upset her.”

“Mikey went to the hospital while you were gone.” Alicia said softly.

Gerard was surprised, “Did he get to talk to her?”

Alicia nodded, “Yeah, but I sorta wish he hadn’t. He was so upset when he got home. He said it was like talking to a stranger.”

Gerard pulled out his cigarettes and quickly lit one. “What did she say?”

“That’s just it. Mikey said she would hardly talk to him. He’s never seen Holly depressed like she is now. And it’s really hard for him because he wants to help her but it doesn’t know how.”

“We’re all gonna help her.” Gerard said with determination. “I’m not gonna let Holly down ever again.”

“But what if she won’t let us help her?” Alicia said sadly. “Mikey said it’s like she’s just given up on everything.”

“She won’t give up because of Molly.” Gerard answered. “That I know. Right now the shock and pain of the attack are blinding her but she’ll come out of it.”

Alicia smiled sadly, “I really hope you’re right. She’s like a sister to me.”

Gerard nodded, “Yeah, I know.”

“When you see her you tell her that okay?”

He tossed his cigarette away then hugged her briefly. “I’ll tell her. I’ll make sure she knows how much she means to all of us.”

***********************************************

When Gerard arrived at the hospital he immediately sought out Delores. She smiled when she saw him approaching the nurse’s station.

“Hello.”

“Hey.” Gerard answered. “I was wondering if you know how much longer they are going to keep Holly in ICU?”

“Her condition is improving so it shouldn’t be more than a day or two.”

“And when that happens she’ll be allowed visitors?”

Delores understood the question. “She’ll be allowed to have visitors anytime during visiting hours who can stay longer than fifteen minutes.” She sighed, “But I’m not sure it would be wise for a lot of people to stay and tire her out.”

Gerard frowned, “Yeah, and I’m not sure she’d want most visitors anyway but she needs to see her daughter.”

Delores smiled, “She’s quite young, isn’t she?”

“Almost three.” Gerard nodded, “That’s not a problem is it?” He was unsure about the hospitals rules concerning children.

“It shouldn’t be. I’m sure the little girl wants to see her mommy.”

“Yeah and her mommy needs to see her.”

“You are hoping it will snap her out of the depression.”

“Is the depression normal?” Gerard asked, “I mean for all of us it’s been shocking. Holly was always such an upbeat person but..” His voice trailed off.

Delores nodded, “It isn’t unusual at all in cases like this. Holly was very near death after the attack. Add to that the fear she has about her spinal injury and it’s not hard to understand the depression.”

“But she’s getting better, right?” Gerard needed to hold on to hope.

“Physically she is improving but her mental state needs to improve. It’s truly amazing how much the mind controls our bodies. She needs to believe she is going to recover.”

Gerard nodded, “That’s why she needs to see Molly.”

“Her daughter, right?”

“Yeah, Molly needs to see her too. She misses Holly so much.”

“I saw the picture she drew.” Delores smiled, “Holly has been staring at it a lot.”

“Can I see her now?” Gerard asked.

“Let me go check on her. We had her sitting up earlier but the pain was intense so we gave her some meds about twenty minutes ago. She may be sleeping.”

Gerard nodded.

Delores left him standing at the nurse’s station. When she returned a minute later she told him that Holly was sleeping but seeing the disappointed look on his face she told him it would be okay if he just wanted to go in and sit with her a few minutes.

Gerard was pleased to see that some of the machines had been removed. He quietly took a set by the bed but refrained from taking her hand not wanting to wake her.

He had only been sitting a few minutes when he saw Holly’s eyes open.

“Hey.’ He said softly.

She rolled her head to look at him but didn’t speak.

“How are you feeling? They said that you were sitting up earlier.”

Delores who had been walking by stopped. “Holly would you like a drink?”

Holly nodded slowly.

A minute later Delores was back with a plastic pitcher of water and a glass with a straw. She sat it on the table near Gerard. “Let her sip a little. Her throat is very dry.”

He nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

Pouring a small amount of water in the glass he then held the straw to Holly’s mouth. “Here.”

Her cracked lips closed around the straw and she took several small sips. Then closed her eyes.

“Want any more?” He asked gently.

She shook her head.

He sat the glass down then scooted his chair closer to the bed. “You look much better.”

Holly opened her eyes. “You are a terrible liar.”

“It’s not a lie.” He said softly. “You do look better. I just wish you felt better. Are you still in a lot of pain?”

“Not as bad.” She whispered.

“That’s good.”

“Mikey was here.”

He nodded, “Yeah, I heard.”

She closed her eyes, “Sorry I upset him.”

He reached out to take her hand, “Sugar, you didn’t upset him.” He lied.

She pulled her hand away. “Bad liar.”

Gerard sighed, “Okay, he was a little upset but that’s just because he’s worried about you.”

“Tell him to stop.”

“Holly, he can’t stop worrying about you, none of us can.”

“No point.” She said then started to cough.

“Here.” Gerard was holding the straw to her lips again. “Take another sip.” She did so and it helped.

“Hurts to cough.” She whispered.

“I’m sorry.” He sat the glass down then brushed a strand of hair from her forehead. It hurt when she flinched from his touch. Forcing himself to remain unaffected by her actions he sat back down.

Holly looked over at him. “You should go.”

“Why, Holly?” He asked softly.

“No point in being here.”

“Of course there is. I’m here for you.”

She stared at him. “No.”

Not liking the turn the visit was taking he searched his mind for something to change it. “Uh, Molly wanted me to tell you how much she loves and misses you.”

Holly’s eyes filled with tears. “My baby.” She whispered.

This time when he took her hand she didn’t flinch or try to pull it away. “As soon as they move you out of here she can come to see you.”

It was the wrong thing to say. “No, don’t want her to see me like this.”

“Holly she needs to see you and you look okay.” When he saw the look on her face he smiled sadly, “Okay I’m a bad liar but it’ll be okay. Honestly you look a little better each day.”

“How do you know?”

He sighed, “I know because I’ve been here every day since the fuckin’ attack.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“Of course I should.”

She shook her head. “No, no reason.”

“Yeah, there is a reason a fuckin’ good reason.”

Holly’s voice was weak, “Go home, Gee.”

He couldn’t stop himself from speaking the truth, “My home is way out in Yucaipa now.”

She gave him a confused look.

“Linds is keeping our house here.” He watched her eyes closely to see if she understood and remembered, “She and I are getting a divorce.” When she didn’t respond he added, “Linds told me that you and she talked the morning of the attack. She told you she was going to ask me for a divorce.”

This clearly confused Holly. “So much of that day is a blur.”

“Do you remember Ma being here?” He asked slowly.

Holly seemed to the thinking.

“It’s okay if you don’t. The meds make it hard for you to remember things.” He said quickly hoping she didn’t remember his mothers visit.

She closed her eyes. “Sorry about you and Lindsey.” She finally said.

This was the chance he’d been waiting for. “Me too but she and I both knew it was coming. Our marriage had been over for a long time.” He hoped she’d understand that she had nothing to do with the marriage ending. “But I’ve talked to her and she’s worried about you too. She wanted me to tell you she’s thinking about you.”

“Like her.” Holly’s voice was getting weaker.

“She likes you too.” Gerard said with a sad smile. “She’s the one who cared for Molly the night you were brought here.”

“Would like to see her.”

Gerard was surprised by the request and a bit uneasy. He guessed that Holly in some way still believed this marriage could be saved so that was why she wanted to see Lindsey. “Uh, she took Bandit to her mom’s for a visit.”

Holly opened her eyes looking confused again. “How long have I been here? What day is it?”

Now he understood her confusion. She knew Lindsey had just been to her mom’s for Christmas. He told her the day and date.

“Oh.” Holly seemed to be trying to concentrate. “So I’ve been here a week?”

He nodded, “Yeah.”

“Can’t remember one day from the next.”

“That’s normal.” Gerard said wanting to ease her concerns. “But each day it will get better.”

She frowned.

“Hey, it will.” He smiled, “You’re gonna make a full recovery.”

Her words broke his heart. “But I won’t walk out of here.”

“Holly, I’ve talked to the doctors. They believe you will be able to walk again but you need to believe that too.”

She stared at the ceiling. “Don’t believe.”

He tightened his grip on her hand. “Don’t fuckin’ say that. Holly I know you. You ain’t a quitter and I know you won’t give up because of Molly.”

Her eyes filled with tears again. “What kind of life have I given her? She’d be better off without me.”

“No, that’s wrong.” He said passionately. “You know that’s wrong. Molly is a beautiful, smart little girl. She is sweet and caring just like you. She’s learned that from you, Holly.”

For a moment she was silent then she whispered. “It hurts.”

He wasn’t sure what she meant. Was the pain she was feeling mental, physical or both? With her other hand she pushed the button to summon the nurse.

Delores appeared.

“My back hurts.” Holly whispered to the nurse at her other side.

“The pain is from her kidney injury.” Delores said seeing the concern on Gerard’s face. “I’m going to give Holly something that will knock her out.”

He understood he was being told to leave. Once Delores went for the medicine Gerard spoke to Holly. “Sugar, I’ll be back tomorrow night. I have meetings all day tomorrow.”

“Please, don’t.” Holly whispered.

He thought she was telling him not to come back.

“Please, don’t call me that.” She whispered closing her eyes again.

Gerard stood up then leaned down to kiss her cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow night.” He whispered then turned to quickly walk away.

***************************************************

When Gerard pulled out of the hospital parking lot his head was pounding and his heart aching. Seeing Holly like that hurt. Holly had always been so strong.

“Yeah, you stupid ass. She was always so strong because she was good at hiding the truth.” He muttered out loud.

His phone rang and he quickly grabbed it.

“Son, are you going to be home soon?”

“Yeah, Dad. I just stopped off to visit Holly.” Gerard said after he’d turned on the speaker so he wouldn’t be distracted while driving.

“How is she?”

He sighed, “Pretty depressed and in a lot of pain.”

“Did you tell her you’d spent the afternoon with Molly?”

“No, didn’t think that would be a good idea but I did tell her how much Molly misses her.”

Don knew his son was driving so he quickly explained the reason for his call. “Since you’re gonna be home tonight is the plan to pack up more of your stuff?”

“Yeah, I need to. I talked to Linds and told her I’d be out of the house soon.”

“I know you’re gonna be busy all day tomorrow so if you’d like I can take a load of your stuff out to the new house.” His dad offered kindly.

“Oh, yeah, sure.’ Gerard muttered a curse when an SVU switched lanes directly in front of him causing him to hit his brakes.

“Well talk about it when you get home but I’m not sure what we are gonna have for dinner.”

Gerard sighed again knowing he needed to stop at the grocery store but not wanting to make the stop.

“Why don’t you just pick something up on the way?” Don suggested.

“Yeah, good idea.” Gerard agreed. “See you soon.”

He ended up waiting for twenty minutes in a fast food drive-thru. As he inched his way to the pick up window his head was pounding more than before and his mood was growing dark. He all but threw the money at the employee then grabbed his bag.

As he started to pull out of the parking lot he spotted the liquor store. The voice in his head trying to speak over the pain told him a drink would help. He could buy a bottle have one drink then stash it away for later.

Quickly he pulled into the lot and parked. The neon liquor signs in the window beckoned to him. He’d just opened the car door when his phone rang. Whoever it was he decided to ignore the call but then glanced down at the screen.

“Oh fuck.” He grabbed it and quickly answered.

“Sorry Dad but I got stuck in the drive thru.”

Don laughed, “That’s okay. I’m calling to let you know I just talked to Mikey. The hospital called him.”

Gerard’s heart began to pound, “What? Why?”

“Holly’s condition has improved enough that they are going to move her out of ICU in the morning.”

“Oh.” He closed his eyes. “That’s good.”

“Thought you’d want to know.” Don said then added slowly, “Gee, are you okay?” His son’s voice sounded wrong.

Gerard stared out the windshield at the liquor store. “No, I’m fine.” He lied feeling a wave of guilt roll over him. “Be home in a few minutes.” He disconnected then sat back closing his eyes.

“No.” The sound of his voice echoed in the car. He couldn’t allow himself to go down this path again. He knew where it would lead, he’d been there before. Too many people were counting on him.

By the time he reached the house his hands were shaking. Grabbing the bag of fast food he was met at the door by his father.

“Here.” Gerard said handing over the bag.

Don stared at his son. “Rough day?”

Gerard nodded then released this guilt. “I stopped at a liquor store on the way.”

“And?”

“And I almost fuckin’ went in.” Gerard muttered throwing down his car keys. He was surprised a moment later when Don lovingly clasped him on the shoulder.

“But you didn’t.”

“But I wanted to.” Gerard whispered.

Don smiled, “Yeah, you wanted to but you didn’t. I’m proud of you, son.”

Gerard stared at him. “Thanks.”

“Come on lets eat and you can tell me about your visit with Holly.” Don said leading the way towards the kitchen. “And about your talk with Lindsey.”

Gerard followed him slowly. “Dad?”

Don turned.

“Thanks.”

“I love you, son.” Don said smiling.