The Past Ain't Through With You

Christa took a deep, calming breath then walked into the room. Holly was sitting up in bed staring mindlessly at the muted TV. “Hey.” Christa said with forced cheerfulness in her voice.

Holly turned her head slightly to look over at her. “Hi.”

Taking a seat by the bed Christa was determined to act as if she hadn’t spoken to Bob and therefore knew nothing was wrong. “How are you feeling today?”

Holly sighed, “I’m fine.”

“You look so much better.” Physically Holly did look better but the emptiness Christa saw in her friend’s eyes was frightening. “Ray said to tell you hello for him.”

Holly nodded.

“So.” Christa said slowly. “I talked to Alicia earlier and she’s gonna bring Molly by later this afternoon.”

Again Holly simply nodded.

Christa reached for her hand. “Molly really misses you.”

Before Holly could respond a food service worker walked in with Holly’s lunch tray. Neither woman spoke while the food was placed before Holly. After the woman left Christa saw that Holly made no attempt to uncover the plate so she stood and lifted off the cover. Smiling she said, “Hey, for hospital food it don’t look so bad.”

“I’m not hungry.” Holly said softly.

Christa sighed, “Holly you have to eat. You’ve got to regain your strength.”

Holly was too mentally exhausted to argue the point. Slowly she lifted the fork taking a small amount of mashed potatoes. As Christa watched she raised it to her mouth but then sat the fork back down. She was shocked when Holly spoke.

“There’s no reason for you to visit. I know you’re busy.”

Christa spoke from her heart. “Of course there is a reason for me to visit. My friend is in the hospital. I’m worried about her.”

Holly closed her eyes. “I hate this so much.” She whispered. “I just…” She snapped her mouth shut.

“Just what, Holly?” Christa asked softly.

“I just want to get the hell out of here.” Holly admitted slowly opening her eyes. “I just want to walk out of here.”

The despair in her voice made tears come to Christa’s eyes. “You will walk again.”

Holly shook her head.

Christa took her hand again. “Yes, you will. But you’ve got to think positive.”

“I can’t.” Holly whispered. “I can’t anymore.”

“Holly I know you. You’re not a quitter. You are one of the strongest people I know.”

This caused Holly to shake her head, “You don’t know me. Not really. No one knows me.”

Christa saw this as an opening to talk about truths she felt needed to be said. “You feel that way because you’ve hidden so many feelings from everyone.”

“You mean I’ve hidden the truth from everyone." There was anger in her voice.

“You hid the truth about Sonja because you loved her and wanted to protect her.” She paused “And you hid the truth about Molly for the same reason.”

“Lot of good that did me.” Holly answered angrily. “My actions drove Sonja away.”

Christa tried to choose her words carefully. “Holly, Sonja had a good life. You loved and protected her.”

“I did until I met him.”

Those words surprised Christa. “That’s not true. You have to stop beating yourself up about what happened. You fell in love with a man but that didn’t change how you felt about Sonja. You still kept her secret, as hard as it was not to tell Gee, you didn’t.”

Holly started to nervously drum her fingers. “She told me I could tell him but it was too late.”

Christa realized Holly didn’t know she had already heard this from Bob. She wasn’t sure what to say, afraid she’d upset Holly even more.

“But it was too late." Holly whispered again. “I was such an idiot.”

“You aren’t an idiot, Holly.”

Holly nodded, “Oh yeah, believe me I am. All I’ve done my whole life is make stupid choices.”

“That’s not true.” Christa said shaking her head.

“Sure I have.’ Holly’s voice rose. “I married a man who didn’t love me but I wasn’t strong enough to leave him. I moved across the country to start over and we both know how that turned out.”

Christa answered softly, “That decision ultimately gave you another daughter. A beautiful little girl.”

Holly bit her bottom lip to keep from crying. “I gained a daughter but I lost one.”

“Holly you never lost Sonja’s love. I know for a fact she was happy with Jimmy. You can’t forget that.”

“But she was so angry with me. She wanted me to tell Gerard.”

“Because you were struggling, I know.” Christa admitted.

Holly gave her a surprised look. “Bob has told you this, hasn’t he?”

Christa knew there was no reason to lie. “Yeah, he told us.”

“Shit." Holly shook her head. “Well so I’m sure you understand how pathetic I am.”

“Pathetic?” Christa shook her head, “No one thinks that about you. I understand why you didn’t tell Gerard. But I also understand it was more than just the fact that he was married. You wanted to stand on your own two feet. You didn’t want his money.”

“No, I didn’t.” Holly said angrily. “I didn’t want anything from him.”

“I don’t blame you. No one blames you for feeling like that.”

Holly pushed the tray away spilling some of the juice but not caring. “He lied to me.”

Christa knew she was pushing Holly but in her heart she believed Holly needed to let these emotions free. “You believe he lied about loving you.”

“He did lie.” Holly screamed. “He didn’t love me. Not really. He was just hurting and needed somebody. And let’s face it how perfect was I for that? Stupid nurturing Holly.”

“I don’t believe he never loved you.” Christa said softly.

“Then you’re a fool.” Holly spat. “Just like me.”

“No, you’re no fool. And you are far from pathetic. Life has dealt you some terrible blows but you’ve never given up. You won’t now. And while I said I understand you didn’t tell Gerard about Molly because you didn’t want his help I know there was more to it than that. You didn’t tell him because you love Molly and you felt you were protecting her.”

Some of Holly’s anger faded, “I saw what happened when PR started. I couldn’t stop myself from watching some of the videos even after I knew he was in love with Lindsey. I saw he was drinking again and I hated it. But what did I do?” Her anger came back full force. “I stupidly decided to come here. I stupidly thought I could help him.”

“But I get that there was more to it then just trying to help him because of how you felt for him. I get that you were trying to help the father of your child.”

“I hate that I told him.” Holly admitted turning away.

Christa sighed, “Holly it’s only right he knows the truth."

“Why?” Holly turned to face her, her eyes flashed with anger. “He doesn’t have any right to my baby. Molly is mine. I don’t want to share her with her alcoholic father.”

“Holly, Ray’s talked to Gerard. He hasn’t had a drink since the attack.”

“I’d like to believe that but I don’t. He’s hurting because of his split with Lindsey. I’m sure alcohol is helping to ease that pain.”

Christa’s voice was gentle. “Gee is hurting over the split. But he’s also hurting over what’s happened to you. I saw the pain he went through the first couple of days when none of us were sure you’d pull through.”

Holly refused to believe her words. “No, that wasn’t pain. He found out about Molly and he felt guilt. Well he doesn’t need to feel that. It doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters.”

“That’s not true.” Christa said quickly. “Of course this matters." She couldn’t stop her tears. “Holly you risked your life to protect me.” She reached over and took Holly’s hand. “You protected me and my baby.”

Holly’s head snapped around. “Your baby?”

Christa nodded, “Yeah, I’m pregnant.”

Leaning her head back Holly closed her eyes. “I’m happy for you.” She whispered. “Ray loves you.”

“Holly…”

“I’m sorry but I don’t feel good.” Holly said tiredly. “I just want to sleep now.”

Christa understood this meant Holly was shutting down. “Okay.” She gave Holly’s hand one more gently squeeze then stood. “I’ll stop by tomorrow.” She’d almost expected Holly to tell her not to but Holly didn’t answer.

***************************************************

Bob was waiting for Christa and stood as soon as he saw her making her way down the hall. He could see she’d been crying. Gently he took her arm and led her to a private spot. “What happened?”

“I hate to see her like this. She’s so confused, so angry, so hurt. She said she believe Gerard never loved her. She’s sorry she told him about Molly.”

“I was sure she’d react that way.” Bob said softly. “Did you tell her you’re pregnant?”

“Yeah and she said she’s happy for me. She said Ray loves me.”

Bob shook his head sadly, “But she doesn’t believe any man has ever loved her.”

They were interrupted when Arthur spotted them. The art dealer quickly made his way across the room. Taking a seat across from Bob and Christa he explained, “I have just spoken to Matt, Dr Windsolow, he’s the specialist who’s a friend of mine I mentioned before. The one I told you I was going to call in to evaluate Holly.”

“Oh, was he the doctor who was in with Holly earlier?” Bob asked.

Arthur nodded, “Yes, he examined Holly and has looked over all her test results. What I didn’t mention before is that he is one of the leading physicians in his field. He believes with the proper care Holly will regain the use of her legs.”

“That’s great.” Bob said smiling for the first time in days.

“Yes.” Arthur said nodded, “But there are several obstacles we must overcome to get Holly the help she needs.”

“What obstacles?” Christa asked.

“Matt is one of the country’s top specialists in the field of spinal injuries. Holly will need more than just physical therapy she will also need several surgeries. These surgeries will have some risk involved and they will be very costly.”

“But she doesn’t have insurance.” Christa said.

“That don’t fuckin’ matter.” Bob said quickly, “We’ll find a way to take care of that.”

Arthur understood how Bob felt. “Yes, I agree we will find a way to get Holly the help she needs but I believe I’ve found a solution. Matt has offered to accept Holly as his patient. He runs a private hospital, a very pricey private hospital but he understands Holly’s situation. Still I worry however about Holly’s reaction.”

“She won’t want to accept charity.” Christa said softly.

“That is my fear." Arthur admitted. “And if she chooses not to accept the offer then she will leave this hospital in a wheel chair. We can’t let that happen. Holly must walk again.”

“So what’s this solution you have?” Bob asked.

“We must make Holly understand that by accepting Dr Windslow’s offer she will be doing it for Molly.”

“But even then I don’t think she will want to accept charity." Christa worried.

“I agree.” Arthur sighed, “However, I have come up with a plan I believe she may accept. Since the attack there has been an outpouring of support for Holly from my clients. They know about the work she was doing for the shelter and they want to help her.”

“But that’s still charity.” Bob said slowly.

Arthur nodded, “Yes, but if I can convince Holly to allow me to hold an auction of her works with the proceeds going for her hospital costs…”

Christa spoke up. “But even then it will be a benefit auction.”

“Yes but I know Holly. As of now she does not understand that the shelters she was helping have received a lot of misplaced bad publicity over her attack. If I can convince her that by holding the benefit auction for her she will in turn be able once she has recovered to hold another of her own for the shelters. I will tell her that the publicity done before the benefit auction will make it clear that she still believes in the shelters and that once recovered she will offer her works for an auction to benefit the shelters.”

Christa smiled, “So while she’ll be accepting help she will be promising to return the favor so to speak.”

“Yes.” Arthur smiled, “Exactly.”

“You think she’ll go for that?” Bob asked still not convinced.

Christa answered. “I know how important it was to Holly to do what she could for those shelters. She was thrilled by how much money her art raised for them before.”

“That’s what I’m counting on.” Arthur nodded.

Christa was excited by the idea. In her mind she believed Holly needed to have a focus and a goal right now. “But what works does she have left to action off?”

“I said I would never part with it but for Holly I will auction off the first wind chime she made.”

“And you could auction the one she made me.” Christa said quickly, “And I’m sure Alicia will offer hers too.”

“The more pieces we have the more money we can raise.” Arthur said. “And even though I doubt we can raise enough to totally cover her bills it will be enough. Holly does not need to ever know but Matt is taking her case pro bono. He and I have been good friends for years. The benefit auction is really for Holly’s piece of mind.”

“That would piss her off.” Bob said worriedly.

“She doesn’t ever need to know.” Christa answered, “But Arthur is right, Holly needs to believe she will be helping herself pay her bills and eventually helping the shelters.”

“There is one other thing.” Arthur said, “Matt’s hospital, The Cedars, is located in Chicago. It is a beautiful facility which will offer Holly not just the medical treatment she needs it also offers psychiatric help she must have. Each patient has their own bungalow with a 24 hour nurse.”

“Oh.” Christa’s face fell. “But that’s so far.”

Arthur smiled sadly, “I know all of you want to support Holly but The Cedars is a place where she can heal and Molly can live with her during the process.”

“Molly can stay there too?” Christa was surprised.

“Matt is aware of Holly’s situation concerning her daughter. I felt in order for Holly to get the help she needs it was imperative he knew the details. I hope I have not overstepped my bounds.”

“No, you didn’t.” Bob answered. “I honestly don’t believe she could recover if she didn’t have Molly with her.”

Christa sighed, “I think he’s right about that. She does need Molly with her.”

“Her other injuries will prevent her from leaving this hospital for several weeks.” Arthur explained, “However once she is able I hope she will allow us to transfer her to The Cedars. In the meantime you can offer her the support she needs.”

“When should we tell her about this?” Christa asked.

“If you both are in agreement I can discuss this with her now.”

“She’s very depressed.” Christa said softly.

“Yes, Matt mentioned that.” Arthur stood. “I hope that telling her about The Cedars will help. She needs to know that she can make a full recovery.”

“I hope so.” Christa whispered.

Arthur leaned over and squeezed her shoulder. “We must make her focus on her recovery.”

Bob watched the older man walk down the hallway. “Shit.” He whispered.

Christa turned to him. “What? Don’t you think this is a good idea?"

“Oh, I think it’s wonderful. Thank God Arthur knows this Dr Windslow. I’m just worried about how Holly is gonna take the idea.”

“I hate to admit it but I think she’ll be glad to leave LA.” Christa said sadly.

“Yeah probably but that will just mean she’s running away again. Eventually she’s gonna have to deal with Gerard. He is Molly’s father.”

Christa looked into his eyes. “Is he still drinking?”

Bob paused a minute then asked, “Is that what Holly thinks, that he’s still drinking?”

Christa nodded.

“He says he’s not.” Bob admitted. “But I’m not around him that much.”

“Ray told me he believes Gerard is sober too.”

“Well if there was ever a time in his life he needs to stay sober it’s now.” Bob said looking away. “So many people are counting on him.”

“Do you think he can?”

Bob sighed, “I think Gee can be a very strong person if he sets his mind to it but I also know that if he allows himself to fall into depression because of his marriage ending and about Holly that he will be tempted to drink.”

“I wish you were still with the group.” Christa admitted.

Bob gave a short laugh, “Not gonna lie there are times I miss it but that’s all water under the bridge. I’m glad The Cedars is in Chicago. I’ll be able to be there for Holly.”

Christa looked into his eyes. “When you said Holly believes no man has ever loved her I could hear the hurt in your voice.”

Bob wanted to deny it but he couldn’t. “Yeah, well I’m not stupid. I know Holly loves me like a brother and I know that’s all she’ll ever feel for me. She loves Gerard.”

“I’m not sure she still does. She’s very angry and hurt.”

Bob smiled sadly, “Yeah, she’s angry and hurt but she still loves him and I know he still feels something for her. But if he really, truly loves her he’s gonna have to give her time to get her life back. I’m just worried he won’t do that.”

“Maybe it’s a good thing they are going on tour.”

“I think it is. He has to realize Holly has a long road to recovery ahead of her. And I don’t just mean physically. She’s got to deal with all the shit she’s carried around in her head for so long. He can’t push her. If he does…..”

Christa nodded, “I know what you mean.”

“I just hope he understands.” Bob sighed, “I hope he gets his life together too.”

***********************************************************

Bob had just settled down in the living room to relax when the brother’s walked in.

Gerard immediately started asking Bob questions. “Have you seen Holly?”

Bob nodded “Yeah, Christa visited her today too and Alicia just left with Molly to head over there.”

“So how is she?” Gerard asked taking a seat across from Bob. “I know Ma went there this morning to see her and from what Alicia said I don’t think it went well.”

Bob remembered how Holly had been crying when he’d first arrived. After Arthur had visited Holly he’d gone back in to talk to her. “Uh no it didn’t go well.”

“Fuck.” Gerard pulled out his pack of cigarettes. “What happened?”

Bob sighed, “I’m not sure, really. When I first go to the hospital Holly was crying. When she saw me she immediately stopped.” He wanted Gerard to understand how upsetting it had been. “I mean she just stopped.”

Gerard did understand. “She turned off her emotions.” He said sadly.

Bob nodded. “Yeah and she wouldn’t talk about it then. But later when I went back in to talk to her I did get a little info out of her. She’s upset because she says she was mean to your mom.”

“What?” Mikey asked joining them.

“Holly said Donna stopped by to apologize for something she’d said the first time she visited her.”

“I knew Ma had said something to her.” Gerard said angrily. “She tell you what Ma said?”

Bob shook his head. “No, and I wasn’t going to push her. But now she’s just sorry because she says she thinks she hurt your mom’s feelings.”

Gerard took a deep drag off the cigarette. “Well I’m sure she had a right to be angry with Ma.”

Bob agreed, “Yeah but that’s classic Holly. I’m sure she had a right to be mad too but she won’t give herself that right. Instead of embracing the fact that she had a right to be mad she’s turned it on herself. Now she’s just upset about how she acted towards Donna.”

“Well shit.” Gerard leaned back feeling the stress of the day catching up with him.

Bob too lit a cigarette then sat back. What he was about to tell Gerard was something he was sure would upset him. “Uh remember how Arthur said he was going to have a doctor he knows examine Holly?”

Gerard nodded.

“That doctor saw Holly today. He’s a specialist in the field of spinal injuries and he believes with surgery and therapy Holly can walk again.”

“That’s great.” Mikey said.

“It is. But there’s more.” He quickly went on to explain how Arthur had convinced Holly to allow a benefit concert be held to help with her medial bills.

“That was a fuckin’ good idea.” Mikey said after listening to Bob. “Holly loves the work she does for those shelters.”

Gerard agreed, “Yeah, and by telling her that once she’s recovered she can help them out I’m sure made all the difference to her.”

“It did.” Bob said slowly. “So she’s agreed to go to The Cedars.”

“I’ve never heard of the place.” Gerard said looking over at Bob. “Where is it?”

Bob braced himself for what he believed would be something that would upset Gerard. “It’s in Chicago.” Before Gerard had a chance to say anything he told them about how Molly could stay with Holly during her recovery and how the facility would not only offer Holly the medical help she needed it would also offer her psychiatric help.

Gerard let Bob’s words sink in.

Nervously Mikey looked over at his brother trying to gauge how he was taking this information. “I thought she would be staying here in LA. Alicia was all prepared to care for Molly.”

Bob had expecting this reaction. “Yeah I know and I’ve already told Alicia. She understands that letting Holly go is the best thing for her.” He was surprised by Gerard’s reaction.

“It sounds like it is the best thing for her.” He said softly. “And that’s the most important thing.”

Bob smiled at him. “Yeah, it really is.”

“And you can be there for her too.” Gerard said looking away.

Bob understood how he was feeling. “I’ll be there for her. I’ll keep you posted on her progress.” He promised.

Gerard nodded, “Yeah, thanks.” Suddenly he got up. “Well I gotta get going. Dad’s waiting for me.”

Mikey stood ready to drive his brother home.

For a moment Gerard looked confused. “Uh I’m gonna run over and talk to Hal for a minute, okay?”

“Yeah, sure.” Mikey nodded.

Bob and Mikey both watched him go.

“He’s upset.” Mikey said softly once the door closed. “I know he was hoping to take care of Molly when we get back from the first leg of the tour.”

Bob nodded, “Yeah but he’s thinking about what’s best for Holly. So how long is this first leg?”

Mikey sighed, “We’re gonna be in Europe for a month. Then we come back for a week before starting a six week tour of the US. Then back to Europe for another two weeks.”

Bob took this opportunity to speak to Mikey about Gerard. “You have to make him understand that Holly needs time to get her life back in order.”

“You don’t think he should see her when we get back, do you?”

“I think it would be best if he doesn’t. When you get back from Europe she’ll just be settling in at The Cedars. I think she will need to put every once of her mind into recovering.”

“Not dealing with Gerard?” Mikey asked softly.

“They have a lot of unfinished business.” Bob admitted, “But for them to truly deal with it they both need to be in a good place. Your brother needs to get his life in order too.”

Sadly Mikey agreed. “Yeah, he does. Lindsey is gonna be back tomorrow.”

Bob had to know. “You think there is any chance they will get back together?”

Mikey shook his head, “Not according to Gee. He seems to have accepted the marriage is over.”

“If that’s true then he really needs to give Holly some time. Because believe me if he tried for some sort of relationship with her now she’d simply believe he was once again turning to her because he was alone.”

Mikey looked surprised. “You think that?”

“I know that.” Bob said. “I talked a lot to Christa today, she was at the hospital for hours. She told me that Holly said the only reason Gerard ever got with her was because he was alone and hurting. She said that he just needed someone.”

“That ain’t why.” Mikey said automatically defending his brother.

“Well that’s how Holly feels right now. She doesn’t believe he loved her, she thinks he just needed her. So you see what I mean about giving her time?”

Mikey nodded slowly, “Yeah, I get it. I just hope Gee does.”