Looks Can Be Deceiving

This was getting ridiculous.

Muttering darkly, I ripped the covers from my body and tossed them to the floor, glaring irritably at the ceiling as the birds chirped happily outside. The sun had risen long ago, brightening the four walls of the dark room in which I stayed. I blinked lamely and sat up, rubbing my eyes in vain. There was no need for the action, however; it came purely out of reflex.

I hadn’t slept well in the past week. Every time I lay down at night to close my eyes, the sleep would just never come. Instead, I was bombarded with idea after idea, each one containing a vicious, revenge-driven act that would scare Satan himself silly. They only seemed to become worse as they progressed.

I’d been consumed with absolute frustration – rage, even – for the last week. I was calm the majority of the day, so long as I was surrounded by friends. They served as a distraction, keeping me in check as they would laugh and joke, keeping a smile plastered on my face. But then, when they left, and Matt locked himself away in his office, it came back.

That ugly, nasty feeling would often struggle to claw its way from out of me, fighting to be free. It consumed my every thought when I was alone, and fueled the sinful plotting going on in my head more and more each day. It made my insides quiver, and my fingers twitch. My heart shudder, and my spine tingle with need. The need for release.

And every time, I managed to reel it back in. Though it wasn’t without difficulty.

I was on the verge of scheduling an anger management session my damn self, that’s how quickly I could feel myself slipping. As much as I couldn’t stand my therapist, my self-control was limited, and I knew that the longer I waited, the worse it would be when I finally lost it. Because I would lose it. And I had been doing so well to keep my emotions in check, to not let him completely ruin me.

Now that was shot to absolute shit.

“As soon as that damn office opens, I’m calling her,” I promised myself through a growl, not bothering to change from the lace nightie I wore as I rose from the bed and stuffed my feet into a pair of matching, red fuzzy slippers.

I fought with everything I had to push the memory of that bitch Tanya from my mind, her smirk and screeching voice echoing over and over in my thoughts. It was literally driving me insane at this point, yet there seemed to be nothing I could do to get the sound of her taunting out of my head as I stomped down the polished staircase.

I just wanted to fucking hit something. That’s the type of mood I found myself in lately. All I wanted was for something or someone to rub me the wrong way and to give me an excuse. Just a single, tiny fucking excuse to go the fuck off. I was just itching for a chance.

Had I been in a place of my own, I probably would’ve ripped the whole place to shreds by now out of sheer anger and desperation for release. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been angry like this, which may have sounded rather surprising to most. I had several distinguishable levels pertaining to my anger, and the level I was currently on was only a notch and a half away from batshit crazy. That anger that has you stuttering and spelling shit wrong just because you’re so damn mad.

Yeah, that one. That’s where I was.

Out of respect for Matt, I wouldn’t destroy such a beautiful home. I wouldn’t bring any drama or added pressure into this household. It wasn’t his problem to deal with; it was mine. And as this was his place and I didn’t have one of my own yet, I would just have to find ways to keep myself together, no matter how much it was killing me.

“I know what to do,” I growled with a small smile of satisfaction, darting toward the kitchen.

Ripping open the kitchen cabinets, I found a single K-cup of my favorite brand of coffee and took it down, rolling it around in between my fingers as I walked over to the coffee maker on the other side of the kitchen. I stuck the coffee pack into a compartment of the coffee maker and grabbed a clean mug, setting it in place under the nozzle before hitting a button on the coffee maker. The machine made a loud groaning noise and instantly began brewing the coffee, the strong aroma filling my nostrils and making me smile.

For just a short moment, I was me again. I could breathe normally, think rationally. It seemed as though the simple joys of life could always manage to make my day brighter every once in a while, when I least expected. I sighed softly, running a hand over my face as I waited for the brewing to finish.

And just like that, out of nowhere, it was fucking back. With yet another growl, I balled my hand into a fist and brought it down onto the countertop, ignoring the searing pain that went through each of my knuckles. My breathing went back to its ragged sound, and my heart kicked back into its erratic pace, thumping in my chest rather painfully.

Turning sharply on my heel, I braced my hand on the corner of the fridge, lifting a foot onto the countertop and hoisting myself up into the air. At the very top of the cabinets sat Matt’s alcohol stash. I snatched the first bottle I saw, which happened to be Kahlua. I hopped down from the countertop and grabbed hold of my cup of coffee, pouring half of it down the sink to make room for cream, lots of sugar, and even more of Kahlua. I downed it all as fast as I could and worked on making myself another cup once I realized it was gone so fucking fast.

“A bit early for drinking, isn’t it, sweetheart?”

“Motherfucker!” I swore under my breath, nearly dropping the delicate mug. I whirled around and clutched the cup to my chest, shooting Matt a murderous glare, “What the fuck, Matt!”

“Whoa, where’s the fire?” he asked sarcastically, shooting me an unimpressed glance as he cautiously stepped into the kitchen, “It’s seven in the morning, you’re stomping around the house and drinking heavily, and now you’re biting my goddamn head off. Is there a reason why?”

I sighed, setting my mug down on the countertop harder than I’d meant to, “I’m sorry. I’m just having a moment; don’t pay me any mind.”

“You know me better than that,” Matt shook his head, stepping forward and taking my twitching hands into his own. I simply stared at them, marveling at how different our hands looked together. Mine were small, dark, soft, and trembling as if I were some soft of crackhead. His were large, much paler in color, rough, and holding mine still, forcing a calmness to run through my limbs, “You haven’t been sleeping right for days. You’ve been grouchy for days.”

Shit…he’s noticed.

“Does this have anything to do with the pregnant chick you ran into at the store last week?” he asked curiously, tilting his head as he studied my face with caution. I froze in place, my mind suddenly cussing up a storm.

“H-How do you know about that?” I asked distractedly, tearing my hands from his and wrapping my arms around myself. The memories were beginning to come back….just fucking great. Suddenly, I was back at the coffee maker, hellbent on fixing another cup of coffee/Kahlua goodness, this time containing three quarters worth of liquor instead of a third.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Matt replied matter-of-factly, ignoring me.

“And you didn’t answer mine, so deal!” I snapped suddenly, feeling my fingers tremble as I loaded another K-cup into the brewer. I set up my mug again and stabbed the start button with my finger…repeatedly. The faster I could get that drink into my system, the better off the poor, unsuspecting world would be.

“Britt.”

I gulped then, swallowing my anger as I heard Matt’s tone darken to an intimidating level, the sudden rigid calmness that took over him sending chills down my spine. I straightened up and said nothing, fixing my coffee the way I liked it and downing it quick.

A warm hand appeared on my waist, caressing my skin softly through the sheer fabric I wore as the other took the empty cup from me and set it down on the countertop. I allowed him to turn me around, knowing he would make me face him and pick me apart for information. But when I lifted my gaze to see his hazel orbs raking down the front of my nightie, I suddenly remembered that I was wearing see-through lingerie in front of a man.

“I, uh…I didn’t think you’d be up this early,” I mumbled uncomfortably, shifting my weight from one foot to the other as Matt continued to stare me down, “Otherwise, I would’ve covered up more.”

He said nothing as his grip tightened significantly around me, then loosened and faded altogether from my body. I watched silently as he took a few steps back, tearing his gaze from my body and taking a seat at the island. He was quiet for a long time, his chest rapidly moving up and down as he kept his eyes trained on the floor.

I was nearly scared to disturb him as I looked on, “M-Matt?”

“Yeah?” he asked gruffly, his eyes focusing and settling upon my face. The darkness in color of them sent goose bumps rippling across my skin.

“You okay?”

“I should be asking you that,” he replied in a firm tone, fixing me with the look he’d had before.

“Me? What do you mean?” I asked dumbly, frowning in his direction.

“What happened at the store last week? I want you to be honest with me,” Matt stated firmly once again, his eyes never moving from me as I leaned against the counter.

“Fuck me,” I grumbled irritably as I ran a hand down my face, “I was returning my cart and she just came out of nowhere, talking shit. She just pissed me off, is all. What’s new?” I snapped, turning to glare out of the kitchen window.

“What’s new?” Matt countered, “I thought I’d seen you pissed before, but the mood you’ve been in lately….I can’t even begin to describe it. I’ve never seen you like this.”

I chewed my lip rather roughly, “I don’t know what you want me to say, Matt. Every time I try to be happy and move on, one of them comes along and fucks everything up. No matter how hard I try. What else am I to do?”

He moved to speak, but stopped short as Shadow began to bark wildly from the front door. Looking at the clock on the wall, it was about time for the morning paper to arrive. I was moving toward the entrance of the kitchen when Matt’s hand circled around my wrist. I shot him a confused glance when he tore off the shirt he was wearing, holding it out to me with a raised brow. I smirked in recognition and snatched it from him, pulling it on over my poor choice of sleepwear, and moved to take Shadow outside for the paper.

The second I got the door open, Shadow tore straight through it, barking madly as he trotted about on the front lawn. I shook my head and cracked a smile, stepping forward to grab the paper. Lifting it from the bottom of the steps, I took notice of how much heavier it felt than usual. It wasn’t ridiculously heavy, just significantly different in weight.

“Shadow, you’d better not have another fucking bunny in your mouth!” I warned darkly, fixing Shadow with a firm stare as I planted my hands on my hips. Whirling around with surprise, he eyed me with guilt and immediately spit out whatever had been in his mouth. I rolled my eyes and pointed to the door, “Get in here.”

As Shadow went flying through the foyer, I closed the door behind me and locked it, tucking the paper under my arm. Just as I turned to join Matt in the kitchen, a soft thud sounded below me. I stopped suddenly, glancing down to see a plain white paper sleeve on the floor. Frowning, I bent down and grabbed hold of it, then brought it closer to my face so that I could examine it. There was some sort of CD inside; I could see the silver of the disc peeking out from the envelope.

“You get the paper?”

Blinking, I looked up and saw Matt standing at the kitchen entrance, arms folded over his naked chest. Sighing, I nodded and handed the newspaper over to him with one hand, holding the blank disc with the other.

“What’s that?” he asked curiously, peeking up at me from his paper.

I shrugged, “I’m not sure. Some kind of disc, but it’s not labeled.”

He cocked an eyebrow at that, “No name or anything?”

“No,” I frowned, flipping the disc over before I spotted handwriting on the underside of the envelope, “Wait. My name is on it.”

In dark pen, it read, Santini: For Your Eyes Only

“It’s got your name?” Matt asked skeptically, and I nodded, leaning over to show him where my name had been written, “Okay. Well, I’m gonna take Shadow out for a run. We shouldn’t be long.” He said, standing from his seat and moving towards the door.

I nodded, “That’s fine. I’ll be here.”

He grinned at that, hazel eyes settling on me for a moment before he made his way out of the room, his footsteps padding lightly down the hallway. I stayed in the kitchen long enough to make myself yet another cup of coffee and Kahlua. Holding the blank CD envelope between two of my fingers, I trudged back upstairs and to my room.

I dropped the envelope on my bed before setting down my half empty cup, having not downed it all at once this time around. I removed Matt’s t-shirt and set it down before properly covering up with a dark robe, one that fell just above my knees and was not see-through this time.

As I moved about the room, I began feeling the dizzying effects of the caffeine and alcohol I’d had, my fingers going stiff while my limbs began trembling ever so slightly. I sighed slowly, my heart hammering away in my chest as I sprawled across my bed once more, staring rather blankly up at the ceiling.

All at once, everything in my system seemed to hit me hard. My heartbeat slowed drastically, pumping faintly as my thoughts seemed to race a million miles a minute in my head. My eyelids grew heavy as I fought to keep up, yet I knew I was failing miserably. My limbs locked up, and I knew they were gone for the time being. And as everything in my body went numb, I knew that I could finally get some sleep.

***

Reaching down to tie his shoes, Matt sighed as the young puppy nibbled away at the laces. Every time he moved them from the dog’s reach, he would snatch them back and growl playfully. Smirking, Matt snagged the dog with one hand, tickling his belly for a moment before he held him to his chest and returned to tie his shoes. Having done so successfully, he let go of the dog and ordered him to go get his leash, watching as the puppy shot out of the room at lightning speed.

Chuckling, he followed the puppy out and closed his bedroom door behind himself, hearing paws scuffle across the hardwood floors downstairs. He moved to the room just across the hall, wanting to let Brittany know that he and Shadow were heading out for a little while, and rapped his knuckles on the door.

Where he usually would’ve received an enthusiastic greeting of some sort, he heard nothing this time. Narrowing his eyes, he slowly pushed the door open, stepping inside to see if she was in there. And she was, only she was completely knocked out. He shook his head, knowing it had to have been whatever she’d been drinking when he’d first found her in the kitchen. Coffee and liquor were never a good mix.

Moving closer, he inspected her face carefully. Her breathing was even, soft and slow in pace. Her face was relaxed, her long lashes just barely touching her cheeks, and a small smile was spread across her smooth lips. Matt stepped back then, knowing he was standing far too close to be thinking of her lips the way he was. Though he couldn’t stop himself from taking in her every detail; the way her bright hair splayed beneath her, or the way the dark robe she was wearing exposed just a hint of the sheer fabric she was wearing underneath.

“Fuck,” Matt shook his head fiercely, screwing his eyes shut as he willed himself to not move any closer to her. He knew that under any other circumstances, she wouldn’t be comfortable with such an intense stare from him, and he didn’t want to take advantage of the fact that she was unconscious now. She liked her privacy, and he would respect that.

Reaching forward with caution, Matt adjusted the robe to a position where he could no longer see any more of the dark, soft skin that seemed to taunt him. He felt as though he could properly breathe once her skin was completely covered. With that in mind, he reached forward and pulled her body to him, lifting her legs and sliding them underneath the warm covers. He fluffed the pillows up beneath her head and pressed a kiss to her cheek, just near the corner of her mouth.

He found it harder than he thought possible to pull away from her, to push every instinct away that told him to just reach out and touch her, even if for just a moment. Pausing, he drew his eyes from her lips and sighed, his breath ghosting over her cheeks as he closed his eyes. Almost painfully, he stepped away from her and forced himself out of the room, not looking back as he darted downstairs and out of the house with the dog.

A run would definitely do him some good at this point. For a man who didn’t hesitate to take whatever he set his sights on, he was finding it rather difficult to put the young girl in any sort of compromising situation. Every time he thought she was moving forward, someone knocked her back two more steps, and he wouldn’t dare push her after all the hurt she’d been through.

That thought alone made him wary. Since when did he care about women’s feelings? Since his ex, he’d been convinced that all women were heartless and unworthy of his time unless it was a good lay. It’d been a long time since he’d felt legitimately concerned for a female, but he found himself completely powerless this time around. He couldn’t simply think of himself anymore; she deserved better than that after that last useless fuck she’d been with. And he would give it to her…in due time.

He would just have to bide his time a bit longer.

***

“Damn,” I groaned happily, yawning mid-stretch and sitting up with a smile, “Talk about a badass fucking nap!”

It’d been so long since I’d felt this refreshed. My limbs no longer weighed me down, and my mind didn’t feel clouded with all sorts of angry thoughts. As I hopped out of bed and moved to get ready for the day, there was a little pep in my step, as well as a broad smile across my lips.

I sighed happily, stepping into the shower after having stripped out of my nightie, letting the hot water from the showerhead soak my body from head to toe. I frowned at just how good the water felt; I should’ve considered taking a bath instead at first. This felt way too amazing to be a simple five minute shower.

A good thirty minutes later, I finished bathing and cut the water off, wrapping myself up in a warm, plush towel. I thanked the heavens for whosever idea it was to create towel warmers, grinning stupidly to myself as I cuddled the soft, heated fabric and moved toward my dressers. I plucked out a bra and pair of matching panties before slipping them on and moving to my bed to put my trusty old cocoa butter lotion on.

“Ouch, shit!” I hissed, feeling something rather sharp pinch at the skin just on my backside. Scooting forward on the mattress, I glared down behind my body and snatched the culprit out from under me, frowning when I noticed the blank cd envelope from earlier.

I huffed quietly; I’d forgotten all about it earlier. Leaving my lotion abandoned, I examined it once more, reading my name and the message printed neatly on the underside of the envelope. It was undoubtedly intended for me; while Santini wasn’t an uncommon name, I highly doubted it could be addressed to another person with this last name as a coincidence.

I chewed my lip, fingering the seal as I sat thoughtfully. There was no return address written. As a matter of fact, Matt’s address wasn’t written on the envelope, either. Nothing but my name and the ‘for your eyes only’ message. How in the world could it have been delivered here with no address? And how would I ever know who’d sent it?

Suddenly, I knew this was bad news. I’d seen enough sketchy movies and cop shows to know that unannounced, nameless packages were not to be taken lightly. And at this point, had it not obviously looked like a harmless little disc, I would’ve called the damn bomb squad already. Still, I should’ve been cautious. Matt had seemed just as wary about it earlier, as I was now feeling.

Matt. He would know what to do.

“Hey, Matt?” I called lightly, waiting for him to appear in the doorway. Minutes passed, and he didn’t show. I frowned, grabbing for my robe and covering myself quickly as I moved towards the doorway, “Matt!”

The mansion was silent, though I could hear clattering going on in the kitchen. That was most likely Anna, who’d returned from her paid vacation just a couple of days ago. I was glad to let her take over once more after all the cooking and cleaning I’d had to do recently. Her job was much harder than it looked!

I almost went looking for him, having the mind to ask Anna if she knew where he’d gone until I remembered that he’d wanted to take Shadow out for a run. Knowing him, he just felt the need to get out and grab some fresh air, rather than staying cooped up in the underground gym all the time. Sighing, I sat back on my bed and eyed the envelope.

As good of an idea as it seemed to simply wait for Matt’s return, I was growing more curious by the minute. I squashed the wary feeling burning in my stomach took the disc out from the envelope, noting that it, too, was blank. Chewing my lip again, I reached forward an inserted it into the DVD player just below the flat screen at the foot of the bed. I waited for the screen to load, and when it finally had, nothing but static met my ears.

I frowned. What the fuck? It was broken!

Just as I moved to get up and retrieve the useless thing, the static went away, revealing a dark, blurry screen. I was still convinced that whatever the damn thing was, was broken, as I couldn’t see much of anything that was happening on the screen. But then the sound kicked in, clear as day, and I knew it wasn’t the DVD that was broken, but my fucking heart.

“Oh God, Tyler! Like that, baby; just like that!”

Everything still looked the same. The cream colored walls were littered with pictures of Tyler and I. The vintage calendar I’d found long ago, still adorned those cream colored walls. Everything was dark, but I remembered just what everything looked like, just how the entire house had smelled, before I’d left. The picture of Tyler and I on our very first date still sat proudly on the nightstand, and the matching quilt and sheet set Tyler’s mom had sent us as a house-warming gift still covered the bed.

But I wasn’t the one with Tyler in that bed, in our home.

It was one thing to suspect of Tyler’s infidelity, or to hear about it from others simply passing on a warning. It was one thing to find unfamiliar, used lingerie in his gym bag while doing laundry, or to come home and find a rather provocatively dressed female friend sitting on our couch with a smirk on her face.

But it was another fucking thing entirely to see a video of him, in our bed, with our belongings and memories around him, ruthlessly fucking someone who was not me. And looking closer, it was clear who he was with…Tanya.

As soon as her face registered in my mind, I felt my resolve shatter completely. Everything I’d worked so hard to conceal, gone in just a matter of seconds. I clenched my teeth as I sat deathly still, watching the nightmare unfold before my very eyes without so much as a single thought to get up and turn it off.

Like a train wreck, I sat through the whole thing, watching in disbelief as Tyler allowed another woman to pleasure him without so much as a glance in the direction of my picture sitting right next to them. Though my limbs had each gone numb, every inch of my body was heated with absolute rage at the pure idea of his treachery.

The clip lasted for a mere few minutes, having been cut short at the end due to the sound of a door opening and closing. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose as my unsuspecting voice could be heard downstairs, faintly calling Tyler’s name in an innocent manner. I watched in disgust as Tyler grunted out a quick reply and quietly finished with his whore before whispering sickening things into her ear and ushering her out before he quickly moved to cut off the camera. Then, it was static again.

I sat there for the longest time, thinking over all that I’d just seen. I’d known for quite some time about my ex’s infidelity, but seeing it seemed to put things into perspective for me. It was hurtful for them to continue to rip open the wounds I’d spent so much time trying to heal, but at the same time, I was over their pettiness. They wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone, and I had no idea why. If I wasn’t wanted, why were they constantly trying to weasel their way into my life time and time again? This shit was getting old.

Yes, I was over their bullshit. Maybe a month or two ago, seeing something like this would’ve had me bawling my eyes out and wishing the ground would just swallow me whole, but now…I was getting irritated. It was the same old shit with them, and I was sick of being bothered. I was sick of not being able to be myself, and placing all my focus onto how hurt I was. It was obvious that was what they wanted. They wanted me miserable. They wanted me to worry myself to death over them. They wanted the attention.

Well, they were going to get my attention. And they weren’t going to like it.

No, I wasn’t going to go into freak out mode. I wasn’t going to stomp around and snap and yell at people. I wasn’t going to shut my friends out, or withdraw myself from everything around me. I wasn’t going to become a hermit or a downright basket case, refusing to leave the house and staying in my misery pajama set as I moped about the mansion. I wasn’t going to play my depressed and heartbroken playlist on my iPod, even if I did have one. Nope. Not me.

I wasn’t going to get mad. I was going to get even.

With the most calmness and poise I’d ever possessed, I gracefully stood and moved swiftly across the floor, ripping the doors to the closet wide open with a smile. From the entrance, I carefully scanned the rows of clothing, scrutinizing each article that didn’t meet my current interest. Within a matter of seconds, my eyes landed upon the perfect outfit, and I smirked to myself.

It didn’t take me long to get dressed, and it took even less time to run a comb through my hair and stick a pair of shades over my eyes. I stepped into a pair of heels and strode out of the room with sheer determination, making a beeline for the downstairs area.

“Brittany,” Anna smiled warmly from the kitchen, “You’re awake.”

Oh, I was awake alright, “Yes, ma’am. How are you?”

“I am well,” Anna nodded, turning and handing me a plate of pasta, “Here’s your lunch.”

I hadn’t been expecting her to make me anything, and though I was a woman on a mission, I wouldn’t hurt her feelings by dismissing the meal she’d obviously prepared for me. She must’ve caught on that pasta was one of my top favorites. I wouldn’t turn down one of her meals for anything in the world, but especially if pasta and meat was involved.

I thanked her with a bright smile and sat at the diner, saying grace before I dug into the creamy chicken fettuccine alfredo. It was made to absolute perfection, as always. My muscles relaxed instantly, and I fought the urge to emit a childish giggle. This shit was fucking amazing!

“How is it?” she asked timidly, but I knew she’d have to be insane to think that anyone wouldn’t love her cooking.

“Fucking amazing!” I replied in the most unladylike manner, causing her to burst into laughter.

“I am glad to hear it,” she continued to giggle, shaking her head as she returned to the stove, “Mr. Sanders will be pleased to try it, then. He says you have good taste in food, as well.”

I snorted, “That man would eat anything; don’t let him fool you!”

She chuckled quietly, “Believe me, I am aware. But he seems to enjoy something more, knowing that you approve.”

If I had been fair skinned, I would’ve blushed, “Such a gentleman.”

“Indeed,” Anna smirked slightly, adding more noodles to the pot in front of her, “So, do you have any plans for today?”

I hesitated then, choosing my words carefully, “Oh, just…gonna do a little sight seeing for a few hours.”

“Oh?” she asked, her voice laced with curiosity, “Where?”

Again, I had to be careful, “Um…not sure. I think I’m just gonna drive and…see where it takes me!”

“Oh, well that sounds lovely!” she smiled brightly as I cleared my plate and handed it to her, “I trust you will have a wonderful time.”

I smirked then, “Oh, I will. I’ll see you later, Anna. Thank you for lunch.”

“It was my pleasure, Brittany. Drive safely!”

Now, that was something I couldn’t promise. I gathered my handbag and keys before heading towards the garage. I thought about taking one of Matt’s cars, but I knew those would be far too easy to point out if seen anywhere. I would have to go the inconspicuous route.

Smiling, I gently caressed the BMW emblem on the front of my car before I moved to sit inside of it. The car was dark from the tinted windows, which was just what I needed. I turned the car on and grinned as the engine roared proudly, ripping my seatbelt over my chest and hitting the garage opener so that I could get out. The inside of the car shook violently as Metallica blared through the speakers, the only outlet for the sound waves being the cracked sunroof.

Saint Anger 'round my neck
Saint Anger 'round my neck
He never gets respect
Saint Anger 'round my neck

You flush it out, you flush it out
Saint Anger 'round my neck
You flush it out, you flush it out
He never gets respect
You flush it out, you flush it out
Saint Anger 'round my neck
You flush it out, you flush it out
He never gets respect

I smiled in recognition, knowing that when I got upset, I felt the same way. Once I got mad, there was no turning back for me. It would build up, and build up, and build up until I went off the deep end. There was no squashing it; it would only suffocate me and take over my every thought.

Fuck it all and fuckin' regrets
I hit the lights on these dark sets
I need a voice to let myself
To let myself go free
Fuck it all and fuckin' no regrets
I hit the lights on these dark sets
I tie a noose to hang myself
Saint Anger 'round my neck

I feel my world shake
Like an earthquake
It's hard to see clear
Is it me? Is it fear?

I'm madly in anger with you!
I'm madly in anger with you!
I'm madly in anger with you!
I'm madly in anger with you!

I could see the screen of my phone light up from the cup holder, and momentarily glanced down to grab it. Keeping a hand on the wheel and a quick eye on the road, I saw that Matt had called. I hadn’t heard it over the music. Just as I was about to put the phone back down into the cup holder, the screen lit up again, this time with a text message notification from Matt.

Just got home. Where are you?

Sighing, I quickly typed a reply, Driving around for a little bit. Might do some shopping.
Not even a minute later, he replied with an okay and quick goodbye. I returned the phone to its place in the cup holder beside my leg. I sat back in my seat and turned the music up further as the song continued.

And I want my anger to be healthy
And I want my anger just for me
And I need my anger not to control
And I want my anger to be me

And I need to set my anger free
And I need to set my anger free
And I need to set my anger free
And I need to set my anger free

Set it free!

If I was always upset, then they’d always have control over me. I couldn’t have that. I couldn’t live like that. I couldn’t allow them to rule every aspect of my life, and that’s exactly what would happen if this continued. I would set things straight, for once and for all. Apparently I hadn’t gotten the message across before, but I was sure that I would this time around.

Hours passed, and as I hit another residential area, I reduced my speed, allowing me the chance to look at my surroundings. Everything was just as beautiful as I remembered. The private beaches, horse trails, golf communities, everything. I smiled when I finally hit overhead wrought iron sign that simply read, Welcome to Hope Ranch.

Yeah, I would definitely welcome myself, alright.