A New Method

The ball bounces back to me. I throw it again, it collides with wall, doubling back on itself and gliding through the air towards me. I catch it, throw it. Catch it, throw it.

It's a Sunday night in my room, and I'm positively bored shitless. Unnecessary drama plays quietly through my TV, it's some sort of crappy soap opera. There's literally nothing else on.

I turn the TV off abruptly, slumping down and sinking into my bed sheets. A million thoughts crash through my mind like a trainwreck. No one should ever have to suffer like I am right now.

Have you ever realised something about yourself that you're too scared to tell anyone? Not even your best friend, or even your own family? My god, they're the worst. What happens if they don't like it? What if they don't even want to know me after I tell them?

I'm a 16 year old boy, and I have realised that I'm gay.

I hate it. I've known for some time now, but I haven't admitted it even to myself until recently. And as I lie in a harsh position on my bed, I can't help buy destroy myself with hideous thoughts of how I don't belong.

I'm not camp. People don't suspect it. Would they accept it?

I've held it inside myself for about 6 months now. That's too long...

I don't have many friends that I can talk to, they're all guys. I can't tell a guy this... What of they think I watch them undress in gym class? I do. I'm sick, and I know it. I watch my best friend take off his shirt, and I subtly stare at his body when we change.

I can't help it... I don't want to be like this... I want to be able to look at a woman and think how beautiful she is, to tell her she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I want toget married in a church, before God. I want to seduce her romantically and have sex the natural way, when she becomes pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl. Daryl and Carly-Rose.

I don't want to like men. I want to like breasts, not pecs. I want to run my hands down a woman, not grasp onto a man. But it's not possible. My mind doesn't work that way, I've been forced into a life of homosexuality, and there's nothing I can do about it. If I get a girlfriend, date her for 4 years and propose to her then live happily ever after as a woman's husband... Of be lying. To her, to our children... And myself.

The strange thing is... I want a man. I can't make sense of it either. My kind tells me that I want to do things with a young, gorgeous boy... But every part of my body rejects that want.

These are just the regular thoughts that have been running through my mind for too long now. I need to get them out... But I can't. I'm scared.

A knock on the door.

My mom enters before I have the chance to welcome her in.

"Oh my!" she gasps slightly. I have my eyes closed.

"What?" I have completely forgotten about the video I had left to buffer.

"Nothing, I've just... I wasn't expecting the room to be so dark," she covers up, much to my dismissal.

"Turn the lights on if you want," I mumble, pretending to be tired. In reality I'm not tired at all, in depressed and feel like manure.

"No, no its fine," I open my eyes and look over to her, confused at the surprised tone in her voice.

"What's up with you?" I lean up and face her, my back to the computer screen. Her looking directly at it.

"I was just, um--" she looks uncomfortable. "I'm concerned about you, Will" she sits on the bed cautiously. "You haven't been yourself for a long time now,"

"Haven't I?" I ask, pretending to be confused, slapping on a slight smile as I do so.

She shakes her head, her eyes darting around nervously. "No, not at all. Y-you don't speak as much, and when you do it's quiet and sounds scared. You've blocked us out of your life,"

I look down at the bed sheets, ashamed. "I know,"

"Have we done something wrong? Do you not trust us with something?" she asks. This catches my attention immediately.

"What do you mean?"

"Well... Is there something you'd like to tell me?"

There's a moment of silence. It's sickening. The thoughts make themselves known again, my head becoming a volcano ready to erupt. A battle rages through my mind, debating whether to tell her or stay quiet. It's these thoughts that are going to kill me.

I nod my head slightly, still looking down.

"Oh?" she leans forward slightly.

Shit. And now she knows that there's definitely something up. I regret it straight away, I'm not ready, I can't do it, but I've started something. I ignore it now and she'll just become more and more worried about me.

I need to get out of this.

"I do need to tell you some things," I hesitate. "but not yet..."

"Well, when will you be ready?"

Never...

She shifts around awkwardly.

I raise my thumb to my mouth and chew the skin around the nail. This is too much, I've never felt so small in my life. I hate myself. Why is it so hard for me to say it?

"Soon, I hope..." I haven't looked her in the eyes since she asked me what's wrong.

She bring her hands forward and takes mine. Her thumb glides over the soft skin of my hand gently. Forward and back, forward and back.

"Well... There's no rush. Whatever it is, we will always love you. Nothing that you say will ever change that, okay? You're our son and we will always be supportive of you, whatever you decide," she nods slightly, her eyes glancing behind me again.

I frown slightly. It touched me. I've always been close with my mom, but this... This was exceptional. She's talking as though she knows what's going on.

Leaning forward, she kisses my forehead gently, stroking my cheek with her thumb.

"I hope you find the confidence soon, Will. I really hope you do," she stands slowly, purposely averting her eyes from something. I frown.

She opens the door and leaves, closing it gently behind her. I get off the bed and wall to the door, leaning against it softly. My body presses against the cool wood as a small, desperate tear escapes my eye.

You should have done it.

I shake my head before turning back to face my room. My eyes scan across the computer screen, but I think nothing of it.

A sharp, stabbing pain pierces my heart. Air catches in my throat.

The image of two young, shirtless men embracing each other and kissing passionately freezes on my screen. The word "Paused" taunts my soul at the footer of the fully-buffered video.

You already have.