Fading, Like the Stars

“It’s just over there, do you see it?” said Rufus, pointing at something in the distance.

I frowned and looked in the direction that he was indicating, narrowing my eyes to get a better view. Exactly where Rufus had pointed at, there was a small dark spot between two hills. It was quite small, and yet it was impossible not to see it. I wondered why I hadn’t spotted it earlier. As I looked at it a little longer, I could see, more distinctly, red and grey rooftops and smoking chimneys.

“It’s quite a small town,” I murmured, briefly directing my gaze towards Rufus.

He nodded. “Yes. Yes, it is.”

I looked back at the town. To tell the truth, to most, it would have looked rather lovely, nestled between those hills. Everyone in the circus seemed to be anticipating the arrival there. I had noticed that. People were growing impatient. They really wanted to arrive. And in fact, even Rufus seemed more excited about that than he usually was. I wasn’t quite sharing their impatience. As I gazed at the small town that Rufus had pointed at, I felt like a heavy weight had nestled itself somewhere in my stomach.

“How long do you think it’ll take us to get there?” I asked.

“Two hours. Perhaps a little less.” Rufus nonchalantly shrugged his shoulders. “We have all our time.”

I took in a sharp breath. “Oh. Right. So soon.” I had thought that we had more time. That I had more time. I’d thought that we wouldn’t arrive until this evening. I’d really thought that I had at least until this evening before I had to worry about anything. And I would have wished to have even more. I would’ve wished that there were weeks left until we reached that goddamn town. But no. No, I wasn’t even allowed that little bit of relief. No. It had to be today, we had to arrive today.

Rufus smiled, completely oblivious to the battle that was going on inside my head. “You’ll see,” he said, with a twinkle in his eyes, “it’s completely different from being on the road all the time. It’s a whole different thing.”

I observed him for a moment. Wondering what he was thinking, about what was going on now, and about this whole thing. We’d never really talked about it, about us meeting and him bringing me here. I didn’t know how to start the conversation. And Rufus looked like he didn’t like talking much, in general. So I had no idea of what was going on in his head. He looked like he expected me to stay. Or, at least, it seemed that he didn’t mind having me here. Well, at least that’s how it looked to me. But since we’d never really talked about the day we met, or about the consequences of that meeting, I had no idea what Rufus thought about it, or about how he felt. I think I would have liked to know what he thought was going to happen, where things were going to go from here. I think I would have liked that. But I was too much of a coward to actually ask it straight. So I observed him. Tried to guess what was going on in his mind by the way he was reacting.

The results, so far, were not really satisfying.

“You don’t seem happy,” Rufus remarked, frowning.

“Oh, no, I’m fine… fine,” I muttered, avoiding his gaze and turning my eyes to the side of the road.

It was spring. The grass was green, there were flowers in the fields, and leaves on the trees. It was a pleasant thing to see. And the temperatures were warming up very quickly.

“Hmm, Rufus? Do you mind if I ask you something… or maybe you just prefer to…” I hesitated, stumbling on the words. It wasn’t what I wanted to say. There were many things that I still wanted to know, about the circus and about the town that we were heading to. But I wasn’t sure if it was alright for me to ask. Rufus always seemed to enjoy the silence, never talked much, and I had come to the conclusion that, perhaps, it was because he didn’t like talking, and that, perhaps, he would prefer if I didn’t bother him with my questions. The last thing I wanted was to annoy him.

“Why, of course,” he said, casting me a curious glance. “Why do you even ask?”

He smiled, and I was too taken aback to reply immediately.

“So, what it is?” asked Rufus, frowning a little, the smile vanishing from his face. “Is there something wrong?”

“Oh, no,” I muttered, realizing how awkward I had been. “There’s… there’s nothing wrong.”

“Alright,” Rufus said softly, the hint of a smile appearing on his face again. “Let’s talk about something else then. What was it that you wanted to ask?”

There were a lot of things that I wanted to know, a lot of things that I wanted to ask Rufus, to be completely honest, but I didn’t have the courage to ask half of them.

“I guess I just want to know more about what will happen now,” I eventually mumbled.

Rufus’ eyes went from the road to me once more. “What will happen?” he asked. There was a shadow in his eyes, and he was clearly puzzled. “What will happen to whom?”

“Excuse me, I’m aware I don’t really make much sense sometimes,” I whispered, feeling my cheeks flooding with color. “I just… I’m still not really used to that kind of travel…” I immediately regretted my words, because they seemed to spark some interest in Rufus, and that I didn’t want him to start asking questions about my past. Because I did not want to talk about that, not even to him. And also because there was something, in the idea of lying to him, that made me feel slightly uneasy. I cleared my throat and tried put my thoughts in order. “What I wanted to know,” I said after a few seconds, “is what is going to happen exactly when we arrive there…” I cast a rapid glance towards the town, but it was now hidden by the surrounding hills. “How exactly do these things go? There must be a lot of work, I imagine. And what’s the town like? Do you know? Have you ever been there?”

I abruptly stopped talking when I caught Rufus looking at me from the corner of his eyes. His lips were curling upwards a little. He was trying to repress a smile.

“Sorry,” I apologized, feeling deeply uneasy. “I speak too much, I know…”

“There is nothing to be sorry for,” said Rufus as he smiled more frankly, though only for a brief moment. He quickly got that very serious look on his face again. He fumbled with the reins for a moment, and I wasn’t really sure what it was that he wanted to do. After a little while, and having apparently failed to do whatever it was that he’d had on his mind, Rufus sighed. “Uh, yes. Sorry, I was… Yes, we’ve been there before. We’ve been doing quite the same tour for the last three or four years. So it’s not the first time we go, no.” He sighed, and made the horse go a little faster. “What more could I tell you?” he muttered to himself. “Uh… well, it’s fairly small, but apart from that it’s not very different from other places…” He shrugged his shoulders, and looked at me. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I could add.”

“Okay.”

There was an awkward silence. Well, Rufus didn’t really seem to find it awkward, but I did.

“And how long do you usually stay there?” I eventually asked. “Is there only one show?”

“About a week… ten days. We usually give three or four shows, with one or two days of rest between. And count one day before to set everything up, and advertise, and one day after to clean.”

“Alright…” I mumbled.

It seemed that there was nothing more to say. I did want to sound too curious. I didn’t want to bother him. And I didn’t know how I was supposed to ask: ‘where do you think I should go next? Is it safer north, or south? When do you think would be the most appropriate moment to go, because I feel like I owe you a little help, after all that you have done for me? Do you think I should help with setting everything up? Or do you think that it would be only fair that I stay to help with all the cleaning before you guys leave? And, most important, do you think that it is safe for me to stay in that town for such a long time, given who I am? And would you feel offended if I left as soon as we get there, or would you feel relieved that you don’t have to share everything with me?’

No, I didn’t know how to ask all that. So I asked nothing at all. I remained silent for the rest of the journey. It was better that way.

Rufus had been right. It little less than two hours later, we reached the small town in the hills. It was already late in the afternoon, when we got there, and despite the fact that there were fields, and places that in general seemed appropriate for parking, surrounding the town, no camp was established. Everyone just parked on the side of the road, and waited.

In the countryside, the circus stopped where it found a place. Where exactly, that didn’t really matter. There was no one who’d mind, no one who’d complain. Near the towns, however, it seemed to go otherwise. Everyone had to wait. And so they did. Félix was the only one who entered the town. No one else did. And I wondered why. No word had been exchanged. It hadn’t been specified that they all had to wait for his return, and yet that’s what they did. It was like there was some tacit rule that I didn’t know of.

“What are we waiting for?” I asked Rufus.

He had jumped off the caravan, and was stretching. He grunted as his joints cracked.

“Just checking that everything is okay.”

“And if everything isn’t okay?” I said, curiously.

Rufus turned his head and for a moment I thought he was going to smile. He didn’t, but his eyes lit up. “That’s never happened before,” he said, amusedly. “No. Never. I wonder what we’d do, if it happened.” He frowned exaggeratedly, making me smile. “I guess we’d be screwed if that happened one day.” He paused for a moment, thinking. “What strange ideas you sometimes have, Aimée,” he added, more seriously, “I’d never thought about that before. Now I won’t be able to get it out of my head. You’ll have me worry each time we reach a new town.”

“Oh, no! I never meant to…”

Rufus laughed, a fact that was in itself rare enough to be notified, and I stopped mid-sentence, frowning.

“Don’t panic. I’m just… I was joking.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Sorry. I guess I just, sort of, lack the practice…” mumbled Rufus, looking at the ground.

“Me too.”

There was an awkward, embarrassing silence. It lasted for a moment, but luckily, before things could get really uncomfortable, Félix reappeared, solving everything by waving a piece of paper in the air.

“Everything okay, same place as usual. You all know what you got to do, so off we go,” Félix said, grumbling as he usually did. When I’d first heard him, I’d thought that he was always bad tempered, or in a dark mood, but apparently that was just his way of talking. But that made even more difficult to react when his was there, because you could never really guess if he was angry or not.

“Time to go again,” Rufus said as he sat back. “See, told you everything would be alright.”

Ten minutes later, all the caravans had come to a halt in a sort of waste ground just on the outskirts of the town. The grass was very short, and it was just generally a large open space, surrounded by two small roads and a few farms.

“The fair space,” said Rufus with what I thought was a hint of irony in his voice, as he jumped off the caravan once more and let the horse run free.

“What?”

“This is where the fairs are held.” He opened the door of the caravan and disappeared inside for a few seconds, coming out with several wooden blocks that he used to block the wheels. “Apparently they hold a very famous Autumn Fair here, every… ah, every autumn.”

“Have you ever been there?”

“The Autumn Fair? Nope.”

“And what now?” I asked.

“What now?” Rufus repeated the words, looking a little lost. “What do you mean by what now?” he clarified, looking at me questioningly.

“What do we do? There must be a lot of things to do, no?”

“Well, soon we’ll have supper…”

“What? No, I meant, aren’t we supposed to set everything up? Do you have a tent or something? There must be some place where you set up the show… I can help this time. I’m not going to stay and watch.”

“Well, thank you for your offer. I’m sure your help will be appreciated.”

“But?”

Rufus looked around, and then at the sky. “But it takes a lot of time. More than we have. If we start now it’ll be dark before it’s over. No. For tonight, it’ll be just like usual.”

“Just like usual…” I repeated. “Oh. Alright then. I guess I’ll just go and see if there’s anyone who needs a little help with the food for tonight,” I murmured, disappointed. I wasn’t sure what to do. That was pushing my departure back a little more. I had promised to stay until the show, and I was going to keep that promise. Not only because I’d promised, but also because it was something that I really wanted. I’d never, ever, been to a circus show. And with things the way they were, this was perhaps the only occasion I’d have to see one. But the longer I stayed, the less I wanted to leave. And if that caused some problems, then… well, I just hoped that it wouldn’t cause any problem. I knew that I should have been more careful. The fright that the encounter with the patrol had given me should have been enough of a warning. I was better off on my own. Safer. But something was holding me back here. Something or…

“Merry might need some help,” I said with a sigh. “I owe her that much.”

Rufus seemed a little annoyed. Or nervous, perhaps. And a nervous Rufus was not something that I was used to. Actually, it was something that I had never seen.

“Hum, well…” muttered Rufus. He was looking me in the eyes, one of these piercing looks that I still really hadn’t gotten used to, a confident look, but I could see him nervously tapping his fingers against his thigh. “Actually, I was thinking that, maybe, if you wanted, I could, uh, show you round the town. You know… see what it’s like…”

I was surprised. And I didn’t know what to answer. I hadn’t been expecting this, and it took a while for my brain to process the information. Rufus was looking at me expectantly, and I hadn’t got a clue of what I was supposed to say.

“I’m not really sure,” I eventually mumbled, “that this would be a good idea…” I repressed a sigh.
“You… you remember what happened the day we met… I’m not certain it’d be a good thing to go wander there like that.” I bit my lips, waiting for Rufus’ answer, and hoping that he wouldn’t feel offended.

“I was not going to put any of us in danger,” Rufus protested vigorously. “I been here the previous years, I know where to go to avoid the problems…”

The image, the memory, of Rufus perfectly finding his way on the rooftops, knowing exactly where he went, briefly invaded my mind. I smiled, reassured by that vision.

“It’s just that… I don’t…” I muttered, with all the courage that I could muster, “I don’t want anything to happen to you because of me.” I finished very quickly.

“Well, then, very well. Because I have no intention of letting anything happen, to either of us.” He smiled. “So what do you say?”

“If you’re certain it’ll be safe. Yes. I’d like that.”

“Then it’s settled. Let’s go for a walk. We’ll be back when the food’s ready. No worries.”

“If you say it’s okay, then it’s good for me,” I accepted after some hesitation. “I’m following…”

“Rufus!” someone shouted from afar before I could even finish my sentence.

“Probably nothing,” Rufus said quickly as we watched the thin figure of Pierre rush in our direction.

I frowned, not convinced by his words. The closer the fire-eater was, the more we could see the annoyed look on his face. In my opinion, it wasn’t nothing. An incident had probably happened, that was the only reason that would have brought that look on Pierre’s face. Rufus seemed to be thinking the same, because after a moment, a look of mingled curiosity and anxiety appeared in his eyes.

“What’s going on?” he asked immediately.

Pierre took a deep breath, and shook his head. “Some of the horses have run free, impossible to calm them…” he grumbled. The fire-eater had a very low, hoarse voice, and I couldn’t help but wonder if it came from his trade or not.

Rufus immediately looked reassured. “Oh,” he said simply, in a tone that showed that he didn’t find the matter very important.

“It’s over there, come and help us,” Pierre added.

“Well, actually,” muttered an annoyed Rufus, “me and Aimée had planned to…”

“We can’t afford to lose the horse!” Pierre interjected, a grim look on his face.

“No, of course we can’t,” Rufus said darkly. “But…”

“You just go,” I said softly. “It’ll be for another day.”

“Are you sure?” Rufus sighed.

“Yeah, they need your help. And the town is not going to disappear. We’ll find another moment.”

“Fine,” Rufus eventually muttered, grudgingly. “You lead the way, Pierre.”

I watched them walk away. The fact that Rufus had been reluctant to accompany Pierre, and would have preferred to do something with me, made me feel rather pleased. Rufus and Pierre quickly disappeared, and I was left alone, wondering what I was going to do next. I remembered what I had thought before Rufus had offered to show me round the town, and I was going to start searching for Merry to see if there was anything that I could do to help her, when a voice rang behind my back.

“What do I hear?” the voice said, and I turned round, recognizing Daniel’s. “My friend Aimée is left all on her own…”

“Daniel!” I smiled at him, despite the fact that he was unable to see it, and looked around, wondering what I could say to him. He was an extremely nice person, but I couldn’t help feeling that he knew more than he said he did, and that if there was one person here capable to guess my secrets, it was him. “Is there anything I can do for you?” I eventually asked, walking closer to him.

“Funny that you should be asking that.” Daniel said with a smile. “Actually there is.”

“Oh. What is it?”

“Well... if you have the time of course… I need to feed the beasts…”

I frowned, wondering how I could be of any help to him with that. “I’m not sure I understand…” I said softly. “I can’t really… I don’t think I’d be very useful.”

Daniel smiled again. “Ah, but I think you could. After all that time on the road, I think they deserve a little treat. They’ve been very brave and patient, and I want them to have some fresh meat. If I remember well, there is a shop just across the road. Or at least there was one last year.”

“It’s still there, I think,” I said, remembering that I had seen a butcher’s shop on the way. I turned around, narrowing my eyes. “Yes, you’re right, it’s just across that road over there…” I indicated the road on the side of the waste ground, before realizing how useless my gesture was.

“Perfect.” Daniel said. “It would be even more perfect if you could recognize fresh meat. People often tend to think that they can take advantage of me…” he smiled maliciously.

“I’m not sure I can…” I mumbled.

“Not a problem. Just look like you can,” Daniel said very seriously, extending an arm towards me. “Now, if you don’t mind…”

“Alright. The butcher’s shop, then.”

“Yep. And on the way we can talk a little.”

“Talk about what?” I asked, a little anxious.

“About whatever you want to talk about.”