Fading, Like the Stars

“Today’s the day!” announced Émilie as she forcefully knocked at the door of the green caravan, and even through the thick panel of wood, I could clearly hear the excitement in her voice. “Today’s the day!”

From the inside of the caravan, I hesitated to get up to open the door. I had woken up that morning with a sore head and a strange feeling of panic in my chest. I wasn’t sure what the cause of it was. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that I was back in a town, especially after what had happened in the last one. Perhaps it was the fear of not being as safe as when we were lost in the country, or the general atmosphere here that I did not really like…

Whatever it was, it would not go away. Even the nice breakfast that had been prepared by Rufus this morning, and his anecdotes about the circus, had not managed to lift up my mood. So I had eventually retreated back inside the caravan, to rest, or, in truth, to hide. Hide from what, I wasn’t really sure. But I somehow felt safer hidden from view.

“They’re setting up the marquees, you’ve got to see that,” Emilie insisted, not giving up. “It’s always funny,” she continued in a somewhat softer voice, interrupting her knocking. “I’m sure you’d like that. And as we don’t have to take part in all that setting up, we can just sit down and watch. We’d comment, and Merry could even make us some of her infamous orange cake. You’ve never tasted Merry’s orange cake, have you? Come on, it’ll be fun!”

Even though I wasn’t really in the mood for some fun and entertainment, Emilie sounded so enthusiastic about it that there was a small part of me that got really excited at the perspective of watching the circus getting ready for the show. And I had made a promise. I’d said I was going to stay to watch the show. And a promise was a promise.

“Alright,” I mumbled, opening the door to let Emilie in. “So what is there exactly to see?”

Instead of stepping in to explain to me how the day was going to go, Emilie grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the caravan.

“Hey!” I grumbled. “You haven’t even told me what exactly was going on. What are we going to watch exactly? Are there people training for the show or something?”

Emilie turned her head and flashed me a smile. “Oh no, it’s even better. There will be people sweating as they work hard to set the benches and everything, and while they’re doing that, we’ll just watch, since for once there is nothing that we have to do. I always find it very satisfying to watch other people toil when I’m just resting.”

“So when does the show exactly start?” I asked, following her. I had given up on trying to discover where we were heading, or trying to understand what exactly was so interesting in watching the big top being set up.

“First one’s tonight,” she answered. “That’s why it’s all a bit of a rush now, and it’ll be even this afternoon. The place has to look perfect for tonight. Then there’s one tomorrow afternoon, then two days break, one last evening, one day to clean everything and leave the place exactly like it was when we arrived, and then the next day we’re off. Didn’t Rufus even tell you that?” She sighed and rolled her eyes. “Useless boys, really, you’d think that they don’t even have brains…”

“Don’t say that,” I said in Rufus’ defense, “He did say that there was going to be more than one show, and that there were a few days to rest between the shows. It was my fault that I did not ask more.”

Émilie smiled, for some unexplainable reason.

“And this morning he didn’t have the time to explain much,” I continued, “he said he had something to do and that we’d talk later… Where is he, anyway? I thought he’d be back by now.”

“Probably in the town, advertising for the show.” Emilie answered casually.

“But… but, isn’t that dangerous?” I immediately blurted out slightly panicked. I looked away from Emilie to hide my embarrassment at my reaction that I thought too spontaneous.

She shrugged her shoulders. “As long as we respect the law, it isn’t.” She looked at me, a small smile on her face, and an amused twinkle in her eyes. “Besides, there is no need to worry about Rufus, he knows how to stay out of trouble…. Well, no, that is a bit of a lie. But let’s say that, so far, he has always managed to stay out of harm’s way. So don’t you get too worried for him. There’s no reason to. Although I’m sure that it will please him to hear that you do.”

“Don’t!” I said quickly, almost shouting. Émilie shot me a half-worried, half-inquisitive look. “Don’t tell him that,” I explained. “He’d think… he’d think I’m stupid or something.”

At that, Emilie laughed frankly. “It’s alright, I was just teasing you. I’m not going to say anything if it embarrasses you.”

“It’s not that it embarrasses me,” I mumbled, looking at the ground, “I’m just afraid that it would make me look ridiculous. I don’t want people to think that I am a coward, and if there is nothing dangerous and I worry still, people might think that I’m a coward…” I sighed and looked up. “Whatever,” I grumbled. “Do you know why he didn’t ask me to come with him? I could have helped. I’m sure advertising isn’t that complicated. I really want to do something useful, you know. Everyone here has been so kind, the least I can is help back in return.”

“Don’t know. Maybe Rufus thought that you wouldn’t feel reassured if you had to spend the day in the town there.”

I shook my head. We had already talked about that the previous day, and Rufus had assured me that I had nothing to fear from the town, at least as long as I was with him. And he had managed to reassure me. I was sure that he knew that I trusted him completely on that.

“Or perhaps he wanted to avoid you the inconvenience. That’s very much like him. It’s not always funny to stand there for hours. In fact it’s never funny, it’s always horrible. Rufus probably didn’t want you to experience that when you’ve only just joined us, probably thought that it’d make you run away. Or… well, there’s always the possibility that he thought that it would be too dangerous for you to go and that he didn’t want anything to happen to… alright, alright, I’m shutting up, don’t give me that look, I’m not saying anything more.”

Émilie laughed happily, at her behavior or mine, I wasn’t really sure, and then she stopped and looked around. “Look at that,” she said, her smile so bright that it was contagious. “It looks like a mess now, but in a few hours you won’t even recognize it. Might look like a battle field now, but soon the magic will happen, you’ll see…” She smiled widely, her eyes twinkling with genuine excitement. She seemed enchanted that the circus had eventually come to stop here and would soon be doing what it actually meant to do. And as I saw that look on her face, I too couldn’t wait to see what the place would become, I couldn’t wait for the magic to happen.

I had followed Emilie, just listening to what she was saying and not really paying much attention to what was around. I was aware, of course, that there was some movement, that there were people running about carrying things, and putting everything in place, but it was only when Emilie came to a halt and paused and looked around that I did the same and just realized the scale of it.

The camp was completely different from what it had been only yesterday. Where there had been a large empty space to the left of the caravan, there were now half a dozen people, what I had first thought to be large wooden boxes but which, now that I was getting a closer look, looked like parts of a much larger construction, and large folded pieces of cloth. Émilie was damn right when she talked about a battle field because that was exactly what it looked like to me. Well, I had never seen a real battle field, so I couldn’t really tell, but I was familiar enough with chaos to recognize this as a perfectly chaotic place. How it would soon become something that looked even a little bit like the mental image I had of a circus, that was beyond me. I could not possibly see how they were going to turn that into something decent, and certainly not in a few hours.

“Yes, that’s the spot,” Emilie said as she picked up a place in the sun and sat down, making herself comfortable.

After some hesitation, I did just the same.

“Are they going to make it?” I asked as I observed the men the trestles, tiers, and pieces of wood that seemed completely strange to me.

“Oh, yeah. Two hours, I reckon,” Emilie said.

“Shouldn’t we do something to help?” I asked again, softly.

Émilie smiled. “Well, you can always try,” she said, in an amused voice, “but seeing as I doubt that you’ve ever done something like that, it would be a bit complicated.” She shook her head. “More seriously,” she added, “these guys know exactly what they’re doing. I know it might to look like it when you’re not used to it, but they know exactly what they’re doing, and they don’t need any help. They’re enough people there already, and if we tried to do something, we’d be more a burden than a help. Soon they’ll start the tricky part, and if there are too many persons around, it’ll only embarrass them. That’s why I like to stand a little aside to watch. Because then I am sure that I won’t be standing in their way.”

I nodded slowly, to show that I understood better what we were doing there, now. Silence fell as we watched the works going on. I was wondering how they could possibly manage to have everything set up in two hours. Of course, Emilie knew better than me. It was not first time that she witnessed this. If she said that in two hours this would look like a circus, and no longer seem like a place where some dreadful cataclysm had happened, well, I had to believe her. But deep inside I couldn’t help being doubtful.

“Watching others do all the work again?” A voice asked, breaking the silence.

I turned my head from the scene that I was observing, and saw Merry, who was standing just behind Émilie, looking down at her. For a second, I wondered whether Merry was reproaching us our laziness, but there was a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips, and she didn’t seem angry in the slightest way.

“It’s tradition,” Emilie answered simply.

“I see. And you’re sharing it.”

“That’s how a tradition is started,” replied Emilie with a cheeky smile.

“If that is the case,” said Merry, sitting down next to Emilie with a soft sigh, “then I think I’ll share this tradition with you for some time. I’ve been working for hours, and I think I deserve a little rest.”

“Nothing to eat?” Émilie enquired curiously.

Merry sighed. “Not this time, I’m afraid.” She replied darkly. “I’ve run out of flour a moment ago already. I’ll send someone to buy a new stock when… well… once there’s been one or two shows. We’re a bit tight for the moment…”

Émilie nodded knowingly. “Yeah,” she said pensively. “It’s been a while since the last show, and it didn’t really work well then. Nothing more depressing than a half empty big top. Hopefully there will be more people coming. They’re usually more enthusiastic here…”

Merry nodded. “Yes, the people here are a good public. Everything should be alright.” She paused a moment, distractedly gazing at the people who were working. “I’d like to buy some figs,” she said after a while. “I wonder if I can find some…”

“Figs?” laughed Emilie. “Figs?”

“Yes,” Merry answered very seriously. “I’d like to find some figs.”

“I’m not sure you’ll manage to find some, Merry,” Émilie said, suddenly getting more serious. “I haven’t seen figs since… oh…” She sighed. “I think I’ve only seen figs once before… when I … well, in… in my other life… Ever since… Oh, I’d almost forgotten that it existed. What about you Aimée? Ever came across figs, during your wanderings?”

I had been listening to their talking, content enough to sit there and enjoy the fresh breeze, not really wanting to take part in anything. I was quite surprise when I heard Emilie talk directly to me, and at first couldn’t come up with a decent answer.

“Oh, right,” I said, awkwardly, after a moment, looking from Émilie to Merry and back with bewildered eyes. “Uh. I don’t… didn’t usually look at that sort of products much…” I muttered, looking at the ground. Truth was that I didn’t think I had ever seen a fig in my life. And apart from the fact that it seemed to be a rare item, I didn’t really understand why they were suddenly talking about that so much.

“Nope,” Émilie said, shaking her head. “It’s certainly not here that it’ll be found.”

Merry sighed and seemed about to say something, but then she frowned, and apparently changed her mind. “Anyone want something to drink?” she asked as she stood up.

“No, thanks, I’m fine…”

“I think I might have a bottle of wine left, hidden somewhere in my caravan,” Merry said with a small smile.

“Aren’t you going to keep it in case there’s something to celebrate?” Émilie asked, looking at Merry with her eyebrows raised.

“I was,” said Merry, “but what’s the use of keeping the good things. We might never have an occasion to celebrate something…”

“There might be one sooner than you think,” murmured Émilie, “you never know what life has in store for you…”

“Exactly,” Merry confirmed. “I could also die tomorrow. And if that should be the case, I would be very sorry that I haven’t opened that bottle.”

“Well, if that is the case, we don’t want you to be disappointed, do we?” Emilie said with a smile.

“I’m right back,” Merry said, sighing as she stood up again.

There was a new, short silence after Merry left, but Émilie quickly spoke again.

“Daniel seems to be under the impression that you’re going to leave us soon,” she said casually.

I was speechless for a few seconds. I hadn’t said anything of that sort to him, I was absolutely sure of that. I was rather careful, when it came to that subject. When I had accompanied him to buy some meat, the previous days, we hadn’t talked much about the future. I had asked a thing or two about the circus, he had wanted to know where I came from, what I’d been doing before I met them, and I had answered very vaguely. We’d talked about the town we were in, had bought the meat, walked back to the circus, and then I had watched apprehensively as he fed the tigers, before going back to the camp for supper, and then losing sight of each other. In everything that we had said and done, there was nothing that could have given him the impression that I was going to leave after tonight.

“So,” Émilie insisted. “Is he right? ‘Cause he generally is about people, you know…”

“I… uh… how… where did he get that impression?” I muttered lamely. “I haven’t said that.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Dunno. Guessed it from what you said, how you said it… Couldn’t tell. But you haven’t answered. Is he just delirious, or…”

I looked away, sighing, and suddenly finding what the men in front of us were doing, very interesting. Part of me foolishly hoped that if I just pretended that I hadn’t heard the question, Émilie would also forget that she’d asked it. It was foolish, and of course it wasn’t what happened. Émilie insisted until I had no other choice but answer if I didn’t to offend her.

“Well,” I said softly, thinking for a long moment to choose my words quite carefully. “I haven’t really decided what to do yet,” I mumbled, cautiously looking at her. Even asked the question very straightforwardly, I still found myself lying about the answer. If I had had a little more time, or just more courage, I would have taken a moment to think about what that could mean, about what that said about me. “Thing is… I… well, I don’t really belong here. I just stumbled upon the circus by… by accident and, I, I can’t really impose myself… not forever. At some point, I’ll have to go my own way again…”

There was a long moment when Émilie didn’t speak. She did not say a word, and just like I had done a few minutes before, she seemed to pretend that she hadn’t heard.

“Why?” she eventually asked, turning to face me.

“Why, what?” I mumbled, embarrassed. There it was, the moment I had dreaded. Now she’d want to know why I didn’t want to stay with them, and I was going to have to think about something that would sound plausible. Because I could hardly tell her the true reason, could I?

“I thought you liked it here. Liked us. I thought you were thankful that everyone’s been so keen on accepting you…”

Her offended tone caught me somewhat off guards.

“I do!” I protested vigorously. “It’s really been a long time since I last felt so good. I wasn’t lying. I really love everyone here.”

“Oh, then you have somewhere to go.”

“No, but…”

“Someone to go to…”

“No, but…”

“Then I don’t understand.”

I sighed. I wasn’t sure I understood either, but somehow I knew that I could not stay here forever. It was too dangerous. That was what I was telling to myself. That was what I really thought, what kept me awake at night, when I thought about the consequences that my simple presence here could have. If anything were to happen to these people because of me, I would never forgive myself. And they were even aware of the danger that this was. Émilie and Daniel might think that it was selfish of me that I wanted to leave, but I knew that it was selfish that I wanted to stay.

“Ah, for a moment I thought I wouldn’t find it back, thought I’d imagined it,” Merry said as she came tottering our way, “but there it is!” She waved a glass bottle in the air, holding a few plastic goblets against her chest. “Oh, what is going on?” she asked, frowning when she arrived close to us and saw the strange looks on both our faces. “Has something happened?”

There was a moment when no one spoke, but Émilie eventually shook her head.

“No,” she said softly. “There’s nothing wrong. Aimée and I were just talking about the future, and how we could never really know where we’re going…” She shot me a brief look. “And about how t is nice to have friends that you can lean on when you’re not sure of what the future’s got in store for you…”

“Well, if you were having such a depressing conversation about the future, I propose a toast to make you forget these worries.” Merry said, opening the bottle. “To the present, then.”

I took the glass she was offering me and whispered a thank you, reflecting on all that Emilie had just said. I was sure that I was making the right decision, absolutely certain of it. But at the same time, the simple idea of leaving made me feel sad. It didn’t make much sense to me, but that was how I felt.