Fading, Like the Stars

Merry and Émilie’s improvised little party, the newly set up tradition, didn’t last for long. The bottle of wine had not yet been half emptied, that there was a clamor, something like a commotion, or a very loud noise, and that, as I then turned my head to see what had happened, I discovered that what had been a work in progress only an hour ago – work that I had inwardly thought very likely to never be finished on time – was now nearly done. They were putting the finishing touches to the construction, and it still had to be arranged to welcome the spectators, but other than that, yes, it was done. I stared at it in awe. The fact that this, now, looked exactly like all the images of a circus that I had had in my head, bewildered me. It stirred something inside, I felt. Something quite ancient, something I had almost forgotten. A story I had heard or been told once, perhaps. Or maybe it was the memory of an image I had seen somewhere, a picture in some children’s book…

In the middle of the waste ground now stood what I can only describe as some sort of stage. It was different from the kind of stage that you would find… say, in a theatre… but I could only best describe it as some sort of stage nonetheless. The bare ground had been covered by a semi-circular surface made of worned out planks. This semi-circular surface, was surrounded by some sort of low wall, about fifty centimeters high. It was painted, with blue and red and yellow stars, but it seemed to have been painted such a long time ago that the painting had started to fade, and the wood underneath it, was now visible in many places. All around the semi-circular stage were benches. The wood was old, weathered. From brown, it had turned to a dirty shade of grey. But this was, nonetheless, a circus tent. A little older and shabbier than I’d imagined, perhaps, but other than that, it fit the mental image I had of it perfectly. A thick piece of cloth, colored with white and red lines, was being put around and over the installation, soon hiding it from view. Small red tents surrounded the bigger one, although I had no idea what they were used for.

It took a moment before I could really believe my eyes. I’d thought it was never going to be looking even decent, but there it was, just in front of me. It looked real. It was real, and it was bloody brilliant. I gaped at the scene for a moment. A long moment, apparently, judging by the reaction of both Merry and Emilie.

“Is everything alright, Aimée?” Merry asked in her gentle voice.

As I turned my head to look at her, I had the feeling that I was abruptly being pulled back to reality, like I was waking up after sleeping. “Uh, yeah,” I muttered, still amazed by what I had seen. “It’s just that this seems a bit like a dream.”

“A dream? Ah, more like a nightmare, I would say. They got it done real fast today,” Émilie mumbled. “Now that all the hard work has been done, it’s time for the real annoying part: cleaning and making everything look nice for when the people arrive,” she added in response to my slightly hesitant look of enquiry. “And that annoying part, well, it’s the part that they leave for people like you and me.”

“Oh.”

It was all I said. I had no idea what else I was supposed to say. I’d been waiting for the moment when I would be able, or allowed, to do something, help, prove that they’d been right in accepting me, that I could be useful. But the task at hand did not seem like it was a pleasant one. Émilie certainly didn’t seem to think that it was going to be a pleasant one, and I was afraid that I was not too enthusiastic about it either.

“Yes, they’re done with it already,” said Merry quietly, and once again my gaze went to the large tent.

For that was what it was now. It had entirely been covered up with the thick red and white plastic-like piece of cloth, and looked like a proper tent, only just like a tent where a few hundred people were likely to fit in. Most people were scurrying away, now that the bigger part of the work was done, but other arrived, some carrying armfuls of hay or what looked like sacks of sand, and others large tin buckets filled with water.

Émilie looked at her empty glass, then at the half-empty bottle that Merry was still holding, and sighed.

“This is the part that I dislike the most,” she said, casting the tent a rather sorry look, “when all that is funny has stopped, and that the amusement has not yet begun.” She extended her glass towards Merry. “If you would be kind enough to serve me a little more wine,” she said with a smile, “I would love you forever Merry. I need a little courage before I fall into slavery again.”

“What an unnecessarily dramatic statement,” Merry said, serving her more wine nonetheless. “Here you go, girl. And stop pretending that it’s so dreadful. I see from Aimée’s look that she’s wondering what dreadful things are awaiting you. All that when it’s only a bit of washing and cleaning. Nothing that terrible… Ah, there comes Rufus,” she added, not finishing her previous sentence, as she waved at him.

Before I could turn my head to look at the spot that Merry was indicating, something that I had naturally the intention to do, a warm voice rang, and I didn’t have to turn round to know that Merry was right.

“Drinking, when it’s not even twelve yet,” Rufus said, with a warm smile, as he entered my field of vision. “Are you trying to corrupt the girls, Merry?”

“Ah, leave the corrupting to me,” Émilie said, emptying her glass. “I’m sure I’d be good at it.”

“Certainly not,” Rufus replied pleasantly. “You could only ever have a good influence on people.”

“Want a drink?” Merry asked.

Rufus shook his head. “No. No, but thanks. Actually, I was looking for Daniel.” He turned his head towards Émilie, but she shrugged her shoulders.

“Isn’t he with the tigers? That’s where he most often is when you can’t find him. Have you checked the cages? That’s where I’d say he should be, especially today.”

Rufus shook his head. “It’s the first place I checked, of course,” he said. “There was no one.”

“Then I can’t help you…” Émilie smiled. “But perhaps you can help us.”

“Help you?”

She indicated the tent. “Cleaning,” she said softly.

Rufus let out a deep, warm laugh. “I’ll see if I don’t find Daniel somewhere else in the camp.” Rufus turned round, but before he walked away, he turned to look at us one last time. “Uh, Merry?” he asked with a frown, “wasn’t that,” he indicated the bottle, “the present you were keeping for Félix’ birthday?

Merry looked down at the bottle that she was still holding in her hands. A faint blush crept up her cheeks as she smiled slightly. “Oh,” she said. Her smile grew wider. “Oh? You’re right. I completely forgot about it.”

She didn’t seem even slightly annoyed by this.

“Well,” she said, still smiling. “He won’t ever know.” She shrugged once, and it seemed that to her, that was it, it was closed, the matter was not to be discussed any further.

Rufus smiled. “Like they say, uh,” he mumbled, “can’t miss what he’s never had.”

Merry laughed lightly. “Pshh, boy,” she grumbled, waving her hand quickly, as if she was chasing a pigeon or a cat, “go ‘way, go do whatever it is that you and Dan have to do. Go!”

“I’ll come back when I’ve found him.”

“Come back?”

It was Émilie who’d been speaking, and she was watching Rufus with her eyebrows slightly raised, and a small smile gracing her lips.

“Yes, to help,” Rufus replied, matter-of-factly.

“How nice and helpful he’s getting now,” she remarked when Rufus had left. “Not even a month ago, it would have been impossible to find him, or Daniel, for that matter, when it was time to do the cleaning part. I used to think that they were hiding somewhere on purpose.” She shot me a brief look and smiled. “But he’s all changed now.”

The next two or three hours consisted in an awful lot of cleaning. It had nothing of the nightmare that Emilie had described it to be, but in was in no way a pleasant experience either. At first, it was even nice. People were talking and joking around, but as the hours passed, they grew bored and silent. Preparing the stage, washing all the benches, checking every single little detail again and again to make sure that everything was going to be perfect when the audience would start to arrive hadn’t been that annoying, at first. I wouldn’t go as far as saying that it was an amusing thing to do, but I hadn’t seen why everyone else seemed to think that this was going to be the absolute worst part of the day. Sure, cleaning was never pleasant, but we weren’t on our own. A lot of people were there, and everyone surely had a nice story or a funny anecdote to tell that would make the work time more interesting. Anything that allowed me to learn more about the circus and about everyone that lived here was a good thing to me. But of course, of all the persons present, I was the only one who hadn’t yet heard the anecdotes and stories. To me, it was new interesting, but to everyone else, it was just the same old things that they’d already heard ten thousand times before. So after a moment, they all fell silent, one by one. And then it was just the same repetitive actions again and again.

I cannot deny that I was pleased too, when it was, eventually, all over.

After that, they all wandered off, to attend their own affairs. It quickly appeared to me that everyone, or nearly everyone, had something to do for tonight’s show. Well, everyone, except me, of course. Everyone wanted to have enough time to eat something before the show started, and those who were part of it had to get ready. Others were preparing the food that would be offered to the spectators for purchase, or they had to sell the tickets, and they wanted to make sure that everything was ready and that nothing could go wrong. Everything had to be perfect. This was the night that everyone had been waiting for, the spectators as well as everyone who lived in the circus, and everything had to go according to plan. They’d been waiting for the moment for too long, dreamed of it for too long, to let anything go wrong. And for the people who would come to see the show tonight, it had to be magic. This had to be a night that they would remember for a long time, something that would bring a smile to their lips when they thought back about it, even six months later. This had to be such a good memory that they would want to see the show again, when the circus would come back in exactly a year, that they wouldn’t want to miss it for the world.

The night needed to be absolutely perfect, and it sort of put a lot of pressure on everybody’s shoulders.

So as soon as the cleaning was done, they all drifted away, leaving me alone, wondering what I was going to do. Or rather… I thought that I was alone. But as I looked around, a little lost and wondering again where I would go right now, or what I would do, I noticed that I wasn’t alone after all, and that Rufus was there too. He was sitting on the benches, observing me with a little smile on his face. I hadn’t expected to see anyone there, let alone Rufus, and for a moment my mind just went blank, and I just stood there without reacting. I think that my surprise showed clearly, because his smile grew brighter. After a second or so, as I was not making a move, I waved slightly at me. I raised my hand too, feeling slightly foolish for not having reacted earlier.

“Here I thought that you hadn’t seen me,” said Rufus as he jumped down the bench, taking the few steps that separated him from me.

I shook my head, feeling more awkward than ever. “No, it’s just… well…”

Rufus nodded knowingly. “It’s exhausting, isn’t it?” he said, “the few hours before the show actually starts. They’re really exhausting, even to us, and we’ve had time to get used to it.”

“It is,” I agreed. “I’d never have thought that life in a circus was so difficult and tiring, I just assumed that…” I stopped mid-sentence, blushing furiously. The last thing I wanted was to offend Rufus, but sometimes he made me feel so at ease that I did not really think about what I was going to say and just randomly spurted out the thoughts that went through my mind.

He didn’t seem annoyed at all, luckily for me. He just laughed loudly, and shook his head. “You just thought that we were lazy guys travelling around in ol’ fashioned, colorful, caravans, and that we did nothing at all, and generally just enjoyed the day…” His smile was so bright that it seemed to reach his ears, and I was genuinely glad that he didn’t seem at all angry at that. “Quite a common mistake,” he added lightly, “people just generally assume that we’re only a bunch of wankers, because all that they see is an hour or two of fun, and that they’re not there to witness all the hard work that comes in preparation of those two hours of amusement.”

“I never thought that you were doing absolutely nothing,” I protested. “I just did not think that it was so bloody exhausting.”

“S’ alright,” Rufus said, offering me his arm. “We’re not offended. Saying that we’re lazy is by far not the worst thing that’s ever been said about us.”

“What exactly are we going to do now?” I asked, taking his arm. “I mean, if there’s any more help needed…”

“Oh, God, no,” murmured Rufus, “I’ve decided that you’ve worked enough for today. You deserve a little amusement too.”

My eyes twinkled with curiosity. “A little amusement, really?” I mused. “And what would that be?”

“I’m taking you for a tour of the camp, before it’s filled with curious people, and then I’ll get us something to eat before the show starts,” Rufus replied with a satisfied look as he lead the way out of the tent.

Outside, I could see that a lot of work had been done too. The whole camp looked a lot more tidy and clean that it usually was, and for the first time, I truly realized that in a little time, this would be filled with people wanting to see all that there was to see, people from the town that would be curiously examining every little detail of what was our life.

“Are there usually a lot of people?” I asked Rufus as we walked pass a table with a large supply of food on it. “I mean, a lot of people that come to see the show?”

“Depends of the town,” he answered. “Some places are good, others, well not so good…” he shrugged his shoulders. “Here’s usually alright. Also depends of the night. Hopefully today there’ll be plenty.”

I nodded, and let go of his arms. I walked closer to the table, and observed Raymond who was putting even more food there, strange kinds of food, not the kind that we were used to have for dinner.

“That’s not for us, is it?” I asked, casting Rufus a quick glance.

He shook his head. “We sell them food too. People are usually hungry when the show’s over, and it makes more money for us if they buy something here rather than going back to their homes immediately.

I nodded quietly. There were still so many things that I didn’t know about the circus. Things were much more complex than I would ever have guessed. I stopped in front of a very large barrel, and looked down. It was entirely filled with apples.

“So many apples,” I muttered distractedly.

“They’ll coat them in sugar later,” Rufus said, as he nicked two and started juggling with the apples. “People round here love those, they’re always a success.”

“I didn’t know you could juggle,” I said, looking at Rufus exactly like a child would look at a magician, with eyes filled with awe and wonder.

“I’ve lived in a circus for nearly half my life,” Rufus answered with a humble smile. “It would be a wonder – no, what am I saying? – a shame, if I hadn’t picked up a few tricks.”

We resumed our walking, and slowly the sky darkened, and the sun began to disappear. After a moment, I noticed the first strangers arriving into the circus. They were easy to spot. They were the ones that were staring at everything with wide, amazed eyes, turning their heads everywhere, trying to see everything. Although, perhaps the way they were looking at everything wasn’t that different from the way I was looking at those same things. I tried to look at the circus through their eyes, to see what they were seeing. For a moment, I pretend that I was also one of them, that I was not the girl who’d found refuge in the circus after having been chased by soldiers, but that I was just a normal person, enjoying a night out. But I could never have been one of them. Who was I kidding? Even if everything in my life had been different, I would never be like them.

Besides, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be.

I liked that I had had the opportunity to see that there was more to the circus than just the night’s show. I was glad that I had been able to live with them these last few weeks. Perhaps all the people that were slowly filling in the camp had a normal life, but they hadn’t had the chance to share a bit of this life. So maybe I wasn’t that unlucky. Maybe I was even very lucky to have spent that much time here. Even if it wasn’t always a life of fun and amusement, and that there had to be hard and annoying work to make everything perfect for just one evening.

Night had just fallen when Rufus lead us back to his caravan.

“Don’t we eat with everyone else?” I asked as I sat down and watch him busy himself in his minuscule kitchen.

Rufus shook his head. No. Before the show started, people or families usually ate on their own. They preferred to be alone to get ready for the show, and most of them did not want to be interrupted, or observed, by the town’s people while they ate.

Dinner was quiet. Neither of us seemed to know what to say, but it didn’t really matter. I think that we both enjoyed the silence. It was awkward or embarrassing, like it can sometimes be. It was just nice to be there together, and enjoy each other’s presence, and I did not think that there was anything that needed to be said.

After that, Rufus excused himself, saying that he had to go to the tent, that he worked behind the scenes to make sure that everything went smoothly during the show. Shortly after he had left, I stepped out of the caravan too. The camp was full of people, now, and most of them were lining in front of the tent’s entrance, buying their tickets for the show. Émilie had said that she’d see the show with me, and as she hadn’t showed up at the caravan, I set out towards the red and white circus tent, thinking I’d see her there.

She found me before I could reach the big tent. I was walking in a hurried pace, not wanting to miss the start of the show, when I felt someone lightly tapping on my shoulder.

“Let’s sneak in through the back entry,” she said with a grin, “this way we can get nice seats before everyone else’s in…”

I nodded and followed her. It was Raymond who was guarding the entrance at the back, and he let us in with a smile. The only few persons that were already there were members of the circus, but the benches were soon filled with more people. The first ones to take place there were four men, wearing a military costume, who took a seat on each side of the exits. I tensed at the sight of them. I knew that I had to look normal, that looking nervous, would only attract attention, but I couldn’t help it. The simple sight of them made me nervous. Worse, the simple sight of them scared me.

“Don’t worry,” Emilie whispered to my ear. “It’s normal to have them there…”

I frowned. “Who are they?”

She looked at me from the corner of her eye, as if she was surprised that I didn’t already know. “Military police,” she murmured. “Censors.”

I wasn’t sure what she meant by that, and I think that my confusion was showed very clearly on my face, because once again Emilie told me not to worry.

“They’re here for every show,” she added, her voice still barely audible, and her lips nearly not moving. “They control what we say, make sure that there is no political statement made.”

I didn’t have to ask her what would happen if there ever was a political statement made. That I could easily guess.

I tried to concentrate on the people, the normal people, that were now coming in, rather than on the soldiers, but that was not an easy thing. Everywhere I went, there seemed to be danger now. I kept my gaze directed at the stage, not looking at them. And soon, there were so many people in the tent that the soldiers were hidden from view. People were talking, impatient to see the show start, and suddenly it was much easier to concentrate on something else than the soldiers.

Then the curtains trembled, and everyone was silent. After a few seconds of complete silence, Félix stepped in front of the crowd, looking quite different in his black and red clothes.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he announced, and no one dared to speak. “Welcome.” There was a murmur of contentment amongst the crowd. The show was about to begin, and they were excited. “Welcome to Barnes circus.” There was a new whisper of approval in the crowd, that did not diminish when Félix spoke again. “We all hope you will enjoy the show tonight…”

The lights flickered, and everything went dark. This time there was silence. No one dared to speak.

“Let the show begin.” Félix’s voice resounded loudly in the silent night.

The lights twinkled, and came back. And then the show started.