Fading, Like the Stars

It was exactly as if I had allowed myself to forget about the world that surrounded us, and that that world was now violently trying to barge in. Despite the fact that I tried to concentrate on the show, I couldn’t forget about the presence, only just a few meters away from me, of the four military officials. I knew that they weren’t there for me. They were here to control what was being said on the stage, and they probably didn’t even pay attention to what was going on in the public. But I couldn’t help being nervous.

I couldn’t help it. I was scared.

I was anxious. So anxious that I completely missed the first part of the show. It wasn’t my fault. All that was around me seemed to have been magically blocked out of view. I tried to pay attention to what was happening on the stage, but I needed all of my brain to remind myself that I couldn’t stare at the soldiers. They weren’t stupid. They were going to guess that there was something wrong with me if I did that.

But no matter how disturbing the soldiers’ presence was, there came a moment when I simply forgot that they were there. What was happening in front of me was simply too magical to be missed out. It was all that I had ever dreamed it would be. It was like in those stories, the ones that the government had forbidden. And I thought that now… now I eventually started to understand why exactly they’d done that. Why everything that was fictive had been wiped out. That show, it did what was describe in those books. It emptied our heads of all the worries of life, it made us forget just how difficult things were. But unlike the stupid shows that the government had allowed to be issued on television, it didn’t leave our heads empty. It didn’t leave us simply staring stupidly, not thinking. It filled us with something more. Something different.

It was hope. Strange as it might seem, the clown fooling around, or the magician who made things disappeared in front of our eyes, they made us hope for something more. They made us believe that there was more to life than what we were living for the moment and that, if we just waited long enough, then something would come. Something better.

The show didn’t just have this effect on me. I could see it in the eyes of the people around me, I could see their eyes glinting with pleasure.

And that, all that pleasure that this simple show was giving me, that made me wonder why the government hadn’t forbidden it already, like it had forbidden so many things. Surely they had perceived the threat. Because if it made me, a person who’d never even wished for change and whose only ambition was to remain alive as long as possible, if it made me want to reach out for something more, then surely it had that effect on loads of other people.

That was what the soldiers were doing there. That was why they were controlling what was said on the stage. One word, I feared, one word of rebellion, spoken in this context, with the tent filled as it was with people who were dreaming of a better life, one word could be the spark that started the fire. That was why they had to make sure that nothing like that happened, that no rebellious thought was ever expressed in this context. But that did not explain why they weren’t simply forbidding shows like this. It would have been simpler. That’s what I thought. But perhaps I wasn’t clever enough to understand how far this was going. Perhaps that was why I had no desire to change the situation that we were living in, because I didn’t understand the true motives of the powers that were governing us.

Soon, the magician that was astounding us all with his tricks that seemed so real was replaced by acrobats. Like everybody else, I stared with wide eyes as they climbed up the post that held the tent, and started to walk, first slowly and then at a faster speed, on a thread so thin that I could barely see it. Every single person in the crowd was holding a breath. Praying that they wouldn’t fall. And in the same time, it was impossible to tear our eyes off them. All we could do was cross our fingers, and hope that they would get back to the ground safely. I had seen some of them in training, in the camp, but I hadn’t realized… I had no idea that they could get so high, that it could be so dangerous.

The feeling of mingled fear and excitement that the crowd had felt was nothing compared to the reaction that got out of them when the tigers were introduced on the stage. A cage had been installed while we were all looking up, so that no matter what happened, the beasts would always be separated from the crowd. But to most people, it was still immensely scary to see them. Most of them had not often had the chance to see something like that, and for some, it was even the first time that they saw a tiger… But even for the others, those who had seen the circus show previously, a year had passed since they had last seen the tigers, and they had forgotten how majestic, how big the animals were. And they truly were impressive. I had always found them a little terrifying before, but tonight, the tigers seemed bigger than usual. They weren’t peaceful and calm like before. They were awake, impatiently pacing in their cage, fixing the crowd with their eyes that reflected the lights.

There was a murmur of fear when a lone figure – Daniel – opened the small door and stepped in. Some in the crowd shook their head, thinking him foolish to do that. Others who were bolder protested more loudly, shouting at him to get the hell out of there. But most simply stared in silence, wondering what would happen next. Most feared that the tigers would soon realize that he was there, and attack. But just like it had been the case for the acrobats, there was something about the scene, perhaps the danger it contained, that made it impossible for us to look away.

“I know it’s a usual thing, and I’ve seen it hundreds of times,” Emily said, leaning towards me to whisper in my ear, “but every time he gets in that damn cage, there’s a part of me that’s scared that something will happen to him. I know he knows what he’s doing, but I can’t help but think… what if someone in the crowd shouts too loud, or does something else that is completely stupid, and that Sasha and Pavlov get scared… they might be tamed, but they’re still savage animals…”

I nodded. I was too scared myself to think of something reassuring that I could say. And besides, there was nothing that I could say that she wasn’t already saying to herself. But sometimes fear can’t be reasoned and there’s nothing we can do to make it go away. So I just grabbed her hand, and squeezed her fingers, silently praying that Daniel did indeed know what he was doing.

Everything went fine that evening. No one was harmed, no incident happened. It wasn’t always the case, as I would later learn. But that night was a success. A real success. The spectators left the tent, happy with what they had seen. They wandered the camp for a moment, some of them lingering a little longer than others. Most of them stayed near the tent. They bought some food, laughed as they commented what had just happened in front of their eyes, met their neighbors and asked them what they had thought of the show, talked about what had changed since the previous year and promised themselves that they would be coming back next year, if the show came back. But very few were actually bold enough to venture further into the camp, or to talk to us for something else than asking some food. It was like that in most towns. Normal people – because that’s what they thought about themselves, they were the normal people, they were the ones living in their towns and villages, in houses, proper houses, and they toiled for a living – normal people, they didn’t really mingled with those whose life was on the road. That was how it was. People who lived on the road were allowed to entertain them, make them laugh or make them dream, but that didn’t make them part of the community. Not in a real way. So talking to them was still something that was rare. And the news that were exchanged… well, it was never really something important. Banalities. Nothing serious. Nothing that could get either of the two parties in trouble, or that could indicate that they were something more than strangers trying to be polite towards each other.

And whilst the town people were enjoying what was left of their evening, people of the circus softly congratulated themselves, happy that everything had gone right tonight, that everything had gone according to plan. They were exhausted, of course, but they continued to play their parts, they continued to smile at the towns people, to serve them food when they asked for it, to perform a few more magic tricks in front of their delighted eyes, to blow up balloons that would decorate children’s room for many days. They wanted to rest, I was quite sure of that. The events of the evening had tired them, but they would not go to bed until the very last person had gotten everything that he wanted.

And tomorrow there would be no rest for them. Tomorrow everything would have to be started again. They’d have to clean everything. Clean the mess that the spectators would have left. They’d have to make everything perfect for when the next show would take place. Then there would be another show, one more, to entertain the people, those who had not seen it tonight, and those – fewer – who wished to see it again, and who were fortunate enough to be able to afford it. And then it’d be back on the road. Traveling to a new town, where it would all start again. It was a tiring life, that they were living, but they were always making the best of it.

… and I still didn’t know what to do. I still didn’t know how much longer I could stay.

After the show had ended, I didn’t really know what to do. I just followed Émilie, followed the crowd as it stepped out of the tent. We lingered outside for a moment. I couldn’t stop talking about what I had just seen. It was all so wonderful, so magical, that I felt the need to constantly repeat how impressed I had been. It was something… it was something that I didn’t think I would ever forget. I completely understood that some people were ready to pay even more money to come back for the show the next days. It was so different from everything that we lived, or saw… It was so different from our ordinary, daily life. The feeling it left, as the show ended, it was hard to describe It was like a break, a very welcomed break, in that life that was, after all, so boring. A bit like when you’re asleep, and that you dream.

But no matter what that feeling was exactly, I was sure that it was something that I would never really forget.

After a moment of sharing thoughts about the show, the villagers, life in general, how different it was from the one we had known before, and how some little things still were exactly the same, Émilie left. She had one last thing to do before going to sleep, and she couldn’t delay it much more. She offered to walk me back to Rufus’ caravan, but I declined the offer. The evening had been so surprising, amazing even. I didn’t want it to end like this. I didn’t want it to end at all. I wanted to wander the camp a little longer, fill my eyes with all that there was to see, the lights, the people, … hear the laughter and the talks, smell the food… Just in case this was the last time I had the chance to see this. You never know…

After Émilie had left, I walked around a little more. Then I decided to go in search of Rufus. I hadn’t seen him after the show had ended, and I wondered where he had gone. I wanted to talk to him. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to talk about, yet. But I wanted to see him. And talk.

I found him near the large red and white tent, talking with a few of the circus people. The others were busy, trying to clean a little of the mess that had been left after the show. They were moving all sorts of instruments that had been used, working to make the place look a little less crowded. The more they did today, the less they’d have to do tomorrow. Not to mention that, this way, they would avoid the town people accidentally ‘borrowing’ something that belong to the circus. So they were trying to get as much as possible done before they went to rest. But Rufus wasn’t doing anything. He was just standing there, looking at them with his arms crossed in front of his chest. Sometimes, he was exchanging a few words with them, but mostly just listening to what they were saying.

He saw me before I had reached them, and a warm expression flashed on his face. He raised one hand, waving slightly to tell me that he had seen me. I waved back, but not after having hesitated for a moment, and I felt stupid about it. My reaction had not seemed natural, and I felt like an idiot. A fool. Rufus quickly said a few words to the others, and the next second he was standing in front of me.

“Everything alright?” he asked, but it was more a way to say hello than to ask if I was really alright, because apparently he didn’t seem to think that there was any reason for things not to be alright.

“Everything alright,” I confirmed with a short nod. I still didn’t know why exactly I wanted to talk to him, what I’d had the intention to tell him. But I appreciated his company, and I was glad that I had found him.

“What did you think of the show? I hope you liked it,” Rufus said as he nonchalantly took my arm to lead me away from the tent.

“I did… it was… all these … it was even better than I’d imagined. I … I thought…” I stumbled on my words and sighed. “I did like it, yes,” I said after a second. “Very much.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it, then.”

“Yes. It was brilliant,” I mumbled, searching for something to add but finding nothing.

Rufus seemed to think about something for a moment, then he turned towards me. “Are you tired?” he asked suddenly.

His question took me by surprise, and I hesitated a second before answering, mentally cursing myself for my slow reactions. I was hesitating. Again. It was the second time in only a few minutes that I hesitated in front of Rufus. I did not understand the causes, but it brought red to my cheeks, and I was thankful that the night was hiding it.

“Uh… no…” I eventually answered, though a second or two too late.

Rufus smiled. One of his rare but brilliant smiles. “Really?” he asked, his eyes widening a little as he smiled. “Not tired at all, or just not too tired?” he paused and shook his head, a frown appearing on his face, like he wasn’t happy with the way he was saying things. “Sorry. What I mean to say,” he corrected, “is: do you want to do something, or do you prefer to rest now?”

I watched him interrogatively. “Do something? Like what?”

“Surprise,” Rufus murmured, his lips stretched into a small smile, more discreet than the one that had just adorned his face.

There were a few different smiles that could appear on Rufus’ face. I had learned that over the days. The bright smile, the one that he’d had a bit earlier, was the rarest. It did not often appear on his face, and it wasn’t directed to many people. I was particularly proud to count myself amongst the few lucky ones that had had the chance to receive that smile. Then there was the one he was smiling now. Small. Almost shy. Very discreet, it appeared on his face like a flash, and was gone the next second. Rufus had also another smile, full of irony this one, and also a little bitter. That was the smile that, I had noticed, was reserved for occasions when he talked about himself, and about the world that surrounded us. There was also a small smirk. A smile that was a little smug, and held much less kindness than his other smiles. This one was mostly reserved to Félix. Even when the two men weren’t arguing, even when they were cordial towards each other, there was something that seemed to linger between them, a bitterness. I didn’t know what had caused that, but it seemed to be related to something in their past.

But no matter what caused Rufus’ smiles, and who they were destined to, they all had one thing in common. All of them were brief. Like many of the people I had seen before, many of those who hadn’t had the life they dreamed of, the life they wanted, Rufus seemed to think that he couldn’t allow himself to smile for too long, that he didn’t have the right to. Or perhaps he just wasn’t used to smiling anymore. If that was the case, then there was at least one thing that we had in common. And in this world, it was very understandable.

“Tell me,” I insisted. “Please. Rufus…”

Rufus wasn’t really good at keeping secrets, or at denying people’s requests, because after a moment he sighed as he looked at me.

“All right,” he said, “all right. But… oh well, I did promise you a walk, didn’t I? I was thinking… I thought…”

“A walk?” I asked, thinking too late that I should perhaps have hidden my surprise. “Isn’t it a bit… late for a walk? And…” I stopped myself this time, but what I really wanted to ask was what the use of such a walk would be. Everything around us was dark. We wouldn’t be able to see a thing of the town that we had stopped in.

“You don’t have to… to come, you know. If you think you prefer to rest.”

Rufus seemed to have suddenly lost all his assurance. That was something that I’d never witnessed before.

“No, no,” I quickly protested. This was exactly what I wanted. An occasion to let this day last a little longer. To enjoy all of this a bit more. “I’m not tired. I don’t want to rest! Where will we go?” I asked, to show him that I was not hesitating this time.

“Let this part at least be a bit of a surprise,” Rufus said quietly, leading the way towards the town.

I could have insisted. I was sure that if I had insisted a little, he would have ended up telling me everything. But if Rufus wanted to keep this a surprise, then I would let him keep it a surprise. And I liked the idea of not knowing before what he was going to show me.

“Let’s go then,” I murmured, more to myself than to him, as I followed Rufus out of the camp, towards the town.