Fading, Like the Stars

“Breathtaking,” I murmured as I looked down, towards the town. “Absolutely breathtaking.” I had been thinking that ever since I’d set my eyes on that view – it truly was wonderful – but I wasn’t aware of having said it out loud until I saw Rufus nod slightly in agreement.

In the night, every single light that was shining down there was burning like a candle. The windows were lit by white, yellow or orange lights, and the shadows of the inhabitants were silhouetted against that bright light, giving us a pretty good idea of what their lives were like.

Rufus’ walk through the town had proved to be a little different than what I’d thought it would be. Oh, he’d lead me through the streets of town, sure, but that had only lasted for a short while. Soon, he had seemed to get bored of the paved streets and the gray walls. He had abandoned the little street that we were walking on to climb up what seemed to be an emergency exit ladder. And he had told me, with a finger held in front of his lips, to follow him without making a sound. The ladder was old and rusty, and the building that it belonged to was slightly derelict, but it was still solid enough to support our weights. After some hesitation – though it didn’t last for long – I understood where we were going.

It became apparent, once we reached the top of the ladder, why Rufus had wanted to keep our final destination a surprise. I had thought that what I had seen then, the lights of the surrounding buildings that were twinkling around us, were quite a sight already. But I had seen nothing yet. Far from staying where we’d landed – something that I would have been content enough with – he made his way towards another place, going from one roof to another with an apparent ease that I was far from possessing.

I couldn’t help but think about the day we met. That day, too, Rufus had privileged the way that passed on the roof (luckily enough for us. If he hadn’t, I don’t know where we’d be, but certainly not here). It amazed me how easy it was to go from one roof to the other, and to cross a town this way, if you knew where to go. And, of course, Rufus knew where to go. I had no idea where he’d gotten this knowledge from. But he certainly knew his way round the rooftops of this town, and probably of others.

He also knew where the nicest places were, because if I had been impressed by the twinkling of lights that had surrounded us on the first roof that we had been on, it was now a real sea of lights that was lying at our feet, and I was literally in awe. This was perhaps not the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, but it was certainly one of the most spectacular.

Of course, the town wasn’t big. It wasn’t a huge city. I could only dream of what a large city would look like, seen from above. But it still seemed to be a little larger than what I’d thought. I had thought it to be no more than a small village. But the town stretched farther than I had imagined, for my eyes’ delight.

“This town is not as small as I’d thought,” I said after a moment, when I was able to do more than just stutter my admiration for what I was seeing. “And this…” I waved my arm in the air stupidly, not knowing how to say what I really felt at the sight of all the lights that were twinkling beneath us. “This is… I don’t know… it’s just marvelous.” I chuckled lightly, at my own lack of words. “I’m so impressed that I don’t even know what to say.”

“Yeah, it’s really not bad,” said Rufus, talking as if this was a sight that he was seeing so often that he had grown accustomed to, and that it was nothing special to him.

It was hard to believe that he was not impressed by what he saw. I thought that even if I saw this ten thousand times again, I would still find it beautiful. I would still be amazed. It wasn’t a sight that one could get used to. It was too brilliant.

That was what I told him, and Rufus lightly shrugged his shoulders, looking a little embarrassed.

“I’m not saying that it’s not nice,” he said, looking at me with an undecipherable expression on his face, “I find it beautiful too. That’s why I love to come up here. No matter which town or city I am in, I always try to find a way up here. I see things differently, from up here. It’s like…” he sighed and sat down on some sort of wall, or the remnants of a chimney. He looked at something in the distance for a moment, and sighed softly again.

He had that look on his face, that told me that he was struggling with something to say. I’d seen that look on people a lot of times before. Mostly on my mother’s face. But that had always been because my mother had had a lot of things to hide. Rufus… Well, I don’t know, but with Rufus it was different. I had a feeling that Rufus wasn’t like that. He wasn’t struggling with his secrets. There was something else.

“When I’m up here, all of the things that bother or annoy me every day seem further away, and I can see things more clearly. I find it easier to think about… well, about everything…” he paused for a brief moment, giving me time to think about what he was saying. “I don’t know if it makes sense,” he finished softly. “I wish I could express this more clearly, but I think that it’s more like… something you have to feel to understand this. Anyway… I hope it doesn’t sound too weird for you. I don’t even know why I’m bothering you with this. I never tell that sort of things to anyone, usually.” He smiled, looking more at ease suddenly. “Thing is,” he said, “I only brought you here for the view. I wanted to show you how even a town like this could be beautiful. I never meant to annoy you with my pseudo-philosophical considerations.”

I chuckled shortly. “You’ve never bothered me with anything,” I said, and it was perfectly true. Ever since I met him, Rufus has been the most admirable person I knew. “It’s always a … uh… a… a pleasure to spend some time in your company.” I sort of wanted to sit down next to him on that little heap if bricks. But oddly, I hesitated. I was still a bit confused as to why.

Rufus smiled brightly. “That pleasure was shared, that’s for sure. Hopefully we’ll have more time together as we’re staying here a little longer. We’ll be able to do something else than just sitting in the caravan and travel the roads.”

For some odd, stupid reason, I blushed at his words. Luckily, Rufus didn’t seem to notice it. I quickly turned my back at him and looked at the town. I wasn’t really interested in the sight anymore, but I wanted to hide the color that had invaded my face. I knew that it was dark all around us, and that it was enough to prevent Rufus from noticing my reaction, but I didn’t want to take any risk.

It took me a moment to realize that I had been staring at the same window for a very long time. I had not noticed it, too engrossed in my own thoughts, too busy trying to untangle the mess of what I was feeling right now. There were no curtains at that window, and it looked into an apartment that was currently inhabited. And because there were no curtains, the shadows of the inhabitants were silhouetted against the bright light, and we were able to see all that they were doing. The home was that of a family. Two adult and a child, who were currently sitting on a couch, and looking at something in the distance, something that was on the other end of the room, probably a television. For a moment, I wondered what they were looking at. I knew it was not polite to watch – no, to spy – on them when they were not even aware of my presence here. But for a moment I couldn’t help looking, and I wondered what they were looking at, the three of them, snuggled on their couch like that and looking so comfortable. Probably one of those stupid shows that the government encouraged the people to watch – because it showed nothing more than reality, and that it avoided them to actually use their brains and think.

Then I felt ashamed of spying those people that I didn’t even know, and I quickly turned my head.
I hoped that Rufus hadn’t seen me looking, but I had stared at those people for far too long. I shuffled awkwardly, looking at an excuse, trying to find something that could explain why I’d done that.

But Rufus saved me the trouble of coming up with a lie.

“Sometimes I catch myself staring at random people through their kitchen or lounge windows, too,” he said very simply. “I’m just contemplating the town, and suddenly I find myself looking inside someone’s home. And I have to admit, sometimes I can’t look away because I have to admit that there are moments when I am jealous of them.”

I was surprised to hear him say that, and I stared at him a second, thinking that perhaps that had been some sort of joke. But he looked at me, perfectly calm, and honest. His eyes were looking at mine, and they shone brightly under the aggressive electric light and that, softer, of the stars. I had not expect to hear Rufus say that he was jealous of all the commoners who were just living, working, and dying and never, ever knowing what was truly going on. Or who knew it but didn’t do anything. I had thought that he was content with the life he lived. He looked happy with it. I had never seen anything that would have made me think that he wasn’t. And it was so fantastic, that life, that I couldn’t see how it was possible to want something else, something like that.

“How?” I asked, eventually sitting next to him and looking at his profile in the darkness. His features looked softer than under the bright daylight. “What is there to envy about that?” I indicated the family, who were still sitting on their couch, in the same position, literally hypnotized by the screen that they were looking at, not paying attention to anything that was around them.

“Have you never, even for a second, wished that you had a place of your own and a life where you had nothing to worry about?” asked Rufus.

I thought about it for a moment. I thought about my life, uncomfortable and unsure and sometimes scary. And I thought about all that these people had. Security. A roof above their heads. Food every day. Peace and quiet. Distractions and relationships, things, television and games and possessions and all of those things that you want when you don’t have them. I had spent years longing for that life. I had never wanted anything more than that. Peace and quiet and no one bothering me and not having to care about anything. But somewhere along the way, things had started to change. It hadn’t happened so long ago. In fact, the change had started to happen as I travelled along with the circus. I had lost my illusions about that lifestyle as I discovered something different, the advantage of having social relations with people, of having people around you, people who cared and helped and listened. I hadn’t even noticed the change. If it hadn’t been for Rufus’ questions, perhaps I would never have noticed it.

“No,” I answered. “I thought I did. For a long time, I thought that all that I wanted was to be like them. But if I had their lives, I wouldn’t be who I am now. So in the end I don’t want things to be different.”

Rufus smiled softly, briefly, and took my hand in his. “There’s many things to admire about you,” he said after a moment.

I tried hard not to blush or smile stupidly.

“No, I don’t think so,” I replied after having savored the compliment. “There were just things in my life that have opened my eyes to certain things.” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “I’ve lost my mother years ago. Before that, I was exactly like all these people that you see in their homes there. I was living a pointless life and I just… I was taking everything for granted and believing everything I was told. I believed that everything was fine and that all I had to do was to do exactly what everyone else around me did…” It was the first time that I could talk about those things more or less openly. It was the first time that I had someone who was willing to listen. And it was the first time that I trusted that person enough to talk.

“But then your mother died…” Rufus said slowly.

I briefly remembered his story, what he’d told me about. How he’d run away. How his life had changed and how that change had forced him away from his home. How he’d never seen his family again… There were some things that I could relate to. Maybe that was why I had no problem telling him this.

“Then my mother died,” I confirmed, “and suddenly I was… everything… it all… I…”

“Suddenly you were thrown out in the world, and you realized that it wasn’t at all like you thought it was,” Rufus finished for me when I failed to find the words to express my feelings and thoughts.

“Yes, that is it.”

He had found a simple way to say what I had always confusedly felt. I’d believed all the craps that the authorities had fed us with. Even though my mother had tried to make me understand that this world that we were living in, it wasn’t an ideal one – that a world were profit and reality were everything might seem like the world that everyone wanted, but that we needed to imagine and dream and hope too – despite everything that my mother had told me, I had continued to think that the world was well as it was. And then they’d killed her, and I’d been forced to realize that I had been abused, just like everyone else, and that my mother was right, in the end. This world was going somewhere I didn’t like.

“After her death, I had to leave our home.” I shivered as I thought about that. I had to leave the home that I had shared with my mother, the home where all my memories were made – because they’d burned it. “Those things that I have seen since then… It has changed me. I may have wanted to live like them. In fact, for a moment it was all that I wanted. I wanted to get back my old life. But I know now that it isn’t possible. And even if it was… even if it was, I don’t think that I could do it. Not after all that has happened.”

After that, I felt silent. I had said all that I could say. And after all that, after having been reminded of all that had happened to me, I didn’t want to talk about anything else. I just wanted to stay there in silence and contemplate the lights, and remind myself of all the good things that had happened too, of all the good things that had happened since Rufus found me.

Rufus let go of my hand and stood up. He walked to the edge of the roof before turning round.

“Don’t misunderstand me when I say that sometimes I envy them,” he said, “it’s not their possessions that I envy. But sometimes I envy their ignorance. If I didn’t know all that I do now, things would be so much easier…”

I nodded. I could understand that.

“But then I think about all the rest, and I don’t wish to be ignorant anymore.” Rufus finished.

He did not explain what he meant by all the rest, and I did not ask. If he wanted to tell me, at some point he would. That is to say, he would, if I was still there. There was a sinking sensation in my stomach at that thought. Even though I had always had, in the back of my mind, the intention to leave the circus at some point – when it stopped being safe to travel with them – I realized that I did not want to leave him. When I considered my departure, I always thought about leaving “the circus” as a general thing. And I was fine with it. But when I thought about leaving Rufus, I was not so fine about it anymore.

I sighed, though not too loud, and looked at Rufus from the corner of my eye – I didn’t want him to catch me looking. He was walking along the edge of the roof, pacing slowly. If it had been anyone else, I would’ve been afraid that they’d fall. But not Rufus. The roofs were his kingdom, and he surely knew what he was doing.

I, on the other hand, didn’t. I didn’t know what I was doing. And I didn’t know what I was thinking. My feelings were a little bit tangled. I had not paid them any attention for so long that I didn’t really know how to resolve the mess that they had become. At first, I was sure that they were honorable. My feelings for Rufus, I mean. I was thankful, grateful even, for all that he’d done for me – finding me and bringing me to the circus… And I admire him for his kindness. But, somewhere along the way – and without me realizing it – they had evolved into something quite different. And now I didn’t really know what it was, and the more I tried to sort it out, the more I was confused. This wasn’t just me admiring him, not anymore. Not just… But it couldn’t possibly become anything else. I was grateful for him to have done all that he had done, that was all. I was just mistaken this gratefulness for something else, because I couldn’t let it become anything else. Because I couldn’t stay, it was as simple as that.

“Rufus?” I asked after a moment.

He interrupted his pacing and looked at me.

“Yes?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure. If I can ask you something in return.”

I nodded, and there was a short silence whilst Rufus waited for my question.

“How do you do it, being so nice and kind to people? How can you make it so that all this,” I gestured at the town, wanting to talk about the world as it was, “how can you make it so that it doesn’t get you down and bitter?” I finished, thinking about how I was before the circus crossed my path.

“I’m not nice with everyone,” Rufus said, very seriously. “Only with those who deserve it. My turn now… Are you really going to leave us?”

I was so surprised to hear him say that that I did not even think of denying it. “I don’t know,” I answered, telling the truth because I could not do anything else. “I know I should. It would be better for everyone.” I looked up from the ground, and stared at him. “But I hesitate. I really hesitate.”

“Well,” Rufus sighed, “then I hope you change your mind and decide to stay.”

“Why?”

He did not answer. There was a silence, and I realized that everything in the town had gone quiet. Before, there had always been a distant buzzing that indicated us that there were still people up, that televisions were turned on, that there was life. Now there wasn’t a sound. Even the lights in the apartment that we’d watched had gone out. It seemed that we were the only ones still awake in the town.

“Maybe we should go back,” I said softly.

“Yes,” Rufus replied, indicating me the way.

I followed him to a ladder on the side of the building. In the distance, I could see the last lights of the circus campfires that were going out.

“When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is telling myself that everything will be alright,” Rufus said, looking at the lights in the distance. “That’s how I… how I deal with all this.”

And then, without adding a word, he disappeared down the ladder.