Fading, Like the Stars

When I opened my eyes, not fully awake and still trying to fight off the last bits of a very vague dream, all the events of the previous night didn’t seem very real to me. It seemed like it was somehow a part of that dream that I was still trying to escape. I had to blink several times before I realized that the light that was blinding me was that of the sun, and that the sun was already high in the sky. I stood up, briskly, and looked around in an agitated manner. Things were quickly falling back into place. I remembered everything more clearly. It wasn’t vague or misty anymore, like dreams could sometimes be, and I was soon able to differentiate reality from fiction.

I walked to the door. Rufus had said that he would be back before dawn with some answers, and – I had looked around once more – he wasn’t there. Unceremoniously, I threw the door open, tore down the few steps, and landed on the grass. I turned my head around, craning my neck, all of that in a manner that could easily have passed for slightly frantic.

People around were all busy, doing their things, and my rather strange behavior luckily went unnoticed. To my left, the big top had been entirely brought down. There was no trace of it anymore. Many of the objects that accompanied the daily life of the circus were gone. There were no longer chairs scattered all across the field, the buckets and boxes that you often came by as you walked through the camp were being stored in the caravans. Everybody was getting ready to leave.

It was strange. Despite the fact that we had only spent a limited amount of time in this town, I had gotten used to the way that the camp looked like, day after day. Now there was very little left of that, and although I knew I should have been expecting it, I found the sudden emptiness a little unsettling.

I wondered how late it was, and how long I had been sleeping. I could have sworn, yesterday, that I was never going to be able to fall asleep. But in the end, I had been too tired, and it had gotten the best of me. I was cursing myself for having fallen asleep when I’d said I was going to wait for Rufus. Again, I wondered where he had gone. I felt a surge of panic at the thought that something might actually have happened to him.

I should have asked him where he was going, at least. Or what he was going to do. Now I didn’t even know where he could be found. And what could I tell to people, if it so happened that he never came back? Who could I warn, anyway? Félix? No, not Félix. I had not seen much of him, but I was still afraid of him. And even if I went to tell him that Rufus was missing, what could I tell him? I knew very little of what was actually going on.

Before I could beat myself over this, however, I saw him.

He was simply standing there, leaning against the wall of the caravan that was closest to his. He had his back at me. But I recognized him immediately, and felt relieved to a point that I cannot even describe. Nothing had happened to Rufus, after all. He was there, safe. All was good.

Rufus was talking to someone. As I took a closer look, I saw that it was Daniel. I was going to rush to them, tell Rufus that we could talk, now. But as I strode towards the pair, I suddenly hesitated. Suddenly, I was unsure of how to react. After yesterday, things were a bit unclear, at least they were to me.

Only a few dozens of feet separated me from Rufus, but the second part of the distance was covered at a far less rapid pace. And all the while – that is to say, the few seconds that it took – I was trying to figure out a proper way to start what I had to say.

Rufus… I… yesterday you said that there were still things that we needed to talk about, but then I fell asleep so we couldn’t talk. But now I’m here, and I come after my explanation, because you me a talk and an explanation. I’d like to have it now. And then there’s also that other thing that happened… you know… I don’t want to sound too awkward, but what actually are we now? I mean, to each other… because I’m not sure how I should talk to you and act towards you. Oh, and also… how do we act now, you know, now that you’re aware of what I was trying to hide all the time. Do we discuss it, and do I tell you everything, or have you changed your mind and do we pretend that it doesn’t exist, and never, ever, mention it again?

I shook my head. No. This was not going to work. I would just make me seem weird and insecure, and that was not what I wanted. Not at all.

The conversation that Rufus and Daniel were having, seemed to highly interest both of them, because I was able to cover most of the short distance that separated us before I was noticed. That talk between the pair seemed to be about a place, although I did not understand where it was. At times, it sounded almost cryptic to me, because I had no idea of what place they were talking about. A place or monument named Catacomb was mentioned several times. I assumed that they were simply talking about the circus’ next destination. That was the most sensible supposition.

Then, as I stood just a few feet behind them, Daniel spoke.

“Hello,” he said, a smile appearing on his face when as he turned his head in my direction.

When Daniel spoke, Rufus turned round. I smiled timidly at him. All that I had thought that I might say had just disappeared from my mind. I thought I perceived a hint of worry on his face, but it was soon replaced by a smile of his own.

“Aimée,” he said, for Daniel’s benefice I suppose.

A mischievous smile appeared on Daniel’s face, as well as an amused twinkle in his eyes. “Ha, Aimée,” he said, beaming. “There you are at last.”

The smile on Daniel’s face was a little too wide and amused, and the twinkle in his eyes, that he was darting towards Rufus, made me frown. It seemed almost as if he knew about some of the things that had happened yesterday. I looked at Rufus, but I couldn’t shake off the feeling that this entire situation was going to be a little awkward for a moment. And I also couldn’t help but think that, despite the fact that I liked his company, I would have wanted Daniel to go away right now, to just leave me alone with Rufus.

“Good morning,” I eventually uttered, trying to evacuate the tension, and trying not to stare at Rufus in a manner that would have revealed too much of what I thought.

“Good morning?” Daniel repeated. He seemed amused. Ever since I had showed up, he had looked like there was something funny going on. I was seriously starting to think that there was something that I was not catching.

Rufus came to stand at my side, and his hand lingered on my arm for a moment. “It’s no longer morning,” he explained in a gentle voice. “You have missed both breakfast and dinner.”

I felt my cheeks redden. “Oh,” I said. “I…” I was embarrassed. “You should have woken me,” I muttered, not liking the idea that I had missed so much of the day.

Rufus shrugged his shoulders. “I thought that you looked tired, I wanted to let you rest. It’s alright, you didn’t miss much.”

“I would have liked to get up earlier,” I said. “I was really…” I sighed, hoping to rid myself of all that hesitation once and for all. “I was really looking forward to talking some more. You know… about… everything. And I was curious about… that thing that you said you would tell me more about…” I sighed again. This was going nowhere. I was trying to make him understand what I wanted to say without mentioning it in front of everyone else, but I was making a very poor job out of it. It seemed so easy for others to talk in cryptic ways. Not for me, apparently.

“We have still got plenty of time. I mean, if it’s alright for you.”

Suddenly I had that strange feeling. We were no longer talking about the books that he had found yesterday, or about that something concerning the circus that I did not know yet, and that Rufus had said he would show me. Now we were back to where it had all started. This sounded more like Rufus was trying to tell me that I couldn’t leave the circus yet, like again he was telling me that we had things to sort out before. I looked in his eyes for a confirmation. This lasted for a moment. I wasn’t sure of what I could read in these eyes, but looking away was impossible.

Behind us, Daniel sighed loudly, reminding me that he was still there… something that I had somehow forgotten.

“Oh, just make a move,” he grumbled, shaking his head. I wasn’t sure whom he was talking to, exactly. “I’ll be on my way,” he added, “the two of you seem to have much more time to waste than I do. I’ll see you both tonight, before we go.” He waved lightly. “Goodbye.”

“Goodbye,” I mumbled, wondering whether I’d missed something. Sometimes I only understood half of what Daniel was saying, or implying.

“I’ll walk you back to your caravan,” Rufus offered.

Daniel shook his head. “Don’t offend me,” he said calmly. “I’m not that dumb that I can’t find my way to my own caravan.” He chuckled at the silence that followed his remark. “Besides,” he added, the mischievous smile – that, now I noticed it, bore some resemblance to an expression that I’d perceived on Émilie’s face once or twice, as if the two of them were plotting something – back on his face, “isn’t it obvious that our dear Aimée here wants to see you eye to eye? Because even I can guess it, so it has to be pretty obvious.”

I looked away from Rufus, praying the warmth that I felt in my face wasn’t visible to his eyes.

Daniel walked away, slowly, but not before he had whispered something to Rufus’ attention. Something that I could hear as clearly as Rufus, and that sounded very much like: “just tell her already!”

“Daniel!” Rufus said, shaking his head.

“He’s a little strange,” I admitted quietly when Daniel had gone.

“Strange is one of the things that you could say about him,” Rufus stated, “but he’s much more than that.”

There was an embarrassed silence that lasted until I decided to break it.

“I was worried when I didn’t see you,” I whispered. “I had expected you to be there.”

Rufus smiled. “You slept when I came back. I didn’t want to wake you, thought that after the fright I gave you, you deserved a rest. So I went out here, figured it was time I had a chat with Dan.” He raised his eyebrows. “Turns out I maybe shouldn’t have,” he grumbled, “ ‘cause now he won’t get off my case until…”

“Until?”

“Whatever. You were sleeping and I wasn’t going to stay there and spy on you. That would have been creepy.”

“Yes,” I admitted. “And now…?”

“Now…” Rufus smiled. “Well, don’t’ you want to eat something?”

I gladly admitted that I wouldn’t mind eating something. As soon as I’d said that, Rufus returned to the caravan. All the while, he had a content little smile on his lips, and I wondered what was making him so happy.

Rufus seemed to have had the intention to prepare something to eat, but I pushed him away. After all, I knew my way round his caravan as well as he did, now. Save for the hiding places, of course. Now that I knew its existence, my eyes seemed attracted towards the place where Rufus had removed the plank and hidden the books.

“Don’t,” said Rufus after a moment. He had taken a seat in a corner of the caravan, and was observing me as I was fishing things in the cupboard.

“Don’t what?” I asked, stopping as my hand went to a pack of cereals, vaguely under the impression that he was telling me that I couldn’t eat that.

“Stop looking at it,” Rufus said, and he cast an eloquent look towards the floor. “When you are in here, you must act as if it doesn’t exist.” A severe frown made its way to his face, but vanished quickly. “If I were a soldier, it wouldn’t be difficult for me to guess that you are hiding something there.”

“I know that,” I grumbled, sitting in front of him.

“Then act accordingly.”

I grunted, not having anything to reply to his warning. There was a long silence, that became slightly uncomfortable. He just sat there, watching as I ate. When I could no longer stand it, I looked up.

“Talk,” I said.

Rufus nodded. “Where do I begin?”

“The circus,” I proposed.

He nodded a yes again. “You might not understand all of it,” he said as a word of warning. “Words would not do it justice, and I am a firm believer in the fact that if you see it with your own eyes, you’ll understand better.”

I frowned upon his words. I didn’t really understand where he was going with this. I thought myself clever enough to understand whatever he would say.

“It’s a real circus,” Rufus continued. He was having that serious face again, the one that he mostly had when he thought that no one was looking. He had lowered his voice, too, like someone who had fears of being overheard. “We are not revolutionaries or something like that.”

I had no problems believing this. Revolutionaries did not exist. The Authorities had done a good job in giving people exactly what they thought they wanted. Even if there had been such thing as a revolutionary leader, he would hardly have found any follower. No one would have been ready to fight. Besides… fight against who?

“It’s so hard to convey with words without saying too much. But I can already tell you that we are, sort of, keeping some traditions alive. And something…,” he cast a quick glance towards the place where the books were hidden, “… tells me that you will understand it.”

Of course, all that I understood was that this was making me even more curious about the circus’ big secret, and that I could hardly wait to know what it was that they had hidden from me. It was understandable that Rufus did not want to say too much aloud – the world was a dangerous for those who kept a secret – and it was understandable that he wanted me to see for myself. Yes, that was all fine, although hard to bear. Question was: when would I see for myself?

“When are you planning to show me, then?” I asked. Rufus’ attitude was contagious, and I too found myself lowering my voice.

“I can’t do it just now, but when you see it you’ll understand why,” Rufus sighed. “I’m sorry it doesn’t make much sense,” he said. “I promise that it will.”

“Alright. How long must I wait?”

“Fourteen days.”

I looked at him with wide eyes. “Fourteen?”

He smiled apologetically. “I you want to go away, I’d understand,” he said. “I can’t force you to stay.”

Again, I stared at him incredulously. Had he understood nothing after yesterday?

“Rufus,” I protested, my stupid voice quavering. “You are not forcing me to do anything.”

“It’s not the way I feel. I’ve got the impression that I’m trying to force your decision. I tell you that here is something that you must know, make all that mystery of it, and I tell you that I’ll only tell you in two weeks what it is. How is that considered not trying to influence you?”

“If I decide to stay, it’s because I want to.”

“And?”

“And… what?”

“What do you decide?”

For someone who did not want to influence my decision in any way, Rufus seemed quite keen on knowing what my answer would be.

“Oh Rufus,” I mumbled, and then stupidly I was incapable of adding something more. The answer seemed to suffice, and he seemed to understand what was unsaid because his next expression was one of relief. I would have liked to leave it there, but curiosity got the best of me once more.

“So you will really make me wait 14 days before you tell me anything?” I asked incredulously.

“Not everything,” Rufus said. “You’re free to ask me all that you want to know about the world as I’ve seen it, about the places that we visit… about my life, if that is of any interest to you. But to know what is going on in the circus, you will have to wait, and…” A wince appeared on his face. He seemed nervous like I had never seen him before. “… if you really want to be part of this, Félix wants to talk to you.”

“Félix?” I questioned. I did not understand what he was doing in something that, I believed, was strictly between Rufus and me. “What’s Félix got to do with this?”

“He’s the one who’s in charge of the circus,” Rufus replied simply. “Of everything that’s going on in the circus.”

“Hmm.” I was not convinced, to say the least.

“I have already arranged some things with him, but he still wants to talk to you to have a confirmation,” Rufus said in a way that was supposed to reassure me but that did not.

“You’ve arranged what things?” I said. I was not sure I understood. Or, rather… I was sure that I did not want to understand. Those two were always fighting with each other, barely talked to each other for days on end, and now Rufus had gone and told Félix things behind my back? How…? “What exactly have you told him? How… how…” I was so surprised and annoyed that I could no longer speak. Only glare at him with suspicion.

Rufus stood up, too – because apparently, in my contained fury, I had stood up – and grabbed my hands. He seemed too find hard to believe that this was getting me so worked up. And to be honest, so did I. But I didn’t like the idea that he had told someone else what had happened last night.

“Calm down,” Rufus said.

“But you…”

“I haven’t told him what happened,” he interrupted me. “The fact that I trust you ought to be enough. I just told you that I wanted to show you some things, and that I was sure that you would sympathize with…”

“And the books?”

“I haven’t even mentioned it.”

I grumbled something barely audible, feeling like I had overreacted to the whole thing, and mentally thinking that if there had been even a tiny hole in the ground, I would have hidden in it. “I… apologize.”

“No harm done. Where were we, before this little interruption?” he asked, making me feel even more annoyingly stupid and defensive.

“What does Félix want of me?” I asked.

“Like I said, talk to you. Know if he can trust you.”

I pondered on that for a moment. “He scares me a little,” I admitted reluctantly.

“I’ll be there all along, if that makes you feel better.”

“It does.” I laughed lightly. “All this secrecy gives me the feeling that I am going to enter some secret society, or a conspiracy.”

“Nothing of that sort, I assure you,” Rufus mumbled with a wince. “Anything else you want to know?” he asked.

“Everything that you can tell me.”

“Step by step,” he said, shaking his head. He seemed to think that there had been enough talking done already. “Don’t you want to go out, instead of staying in?”

“When do we leave?” I asked, trying to judge what the wisest thing to do was.

“Tomorrow at dawn.”

“And… Félix?”

“This evening, if you still want to.”

“Hmm. Okay.” Thinking about this made me nervous. I did not know what to expect of that meeting with Félix. I dreaded it, to be exact. Félix had never seemed to me like he was a particularly understanding person. I did not know what he wanted to do with me, but it was certainly not to welcome me with open arms that he had asked to see me.

“Don’t think about it too much,” Rufus said.

“What am I supposed to think about, then?” There was nothing, honestly, that I thought would manage to distract me during the hours that lay ahead.

Rufus raised an eyebrow, an amused expression on his face. “Me?”