Fading, Like the Stars

“I don’t really believe that,” I said, shaking my head.

Rufus laughed. I hadn’t had many occasions to hear him laugh, especially like that, in a manner that was completely devoid of bitterness. “No,” he said. “Alright. It was a lie.” He raised his hands in front of him as I pretended to throw something at him.

We had walked around, leaving the camp as we thought we would be freer away from it, talked a lot, and – Rufus being Rufus – we had ended up contemplating the town from above. The sight of it during daytime was very different from what it was at night, but it was as interesting. We were high, way above the worries of those who had remained on the ground. I began to understand Rufus when he said that it helped him consider life from a different perspective. It was also the first time since long that I didn’t have to worry about being caught transporting something illegal – the books had remained safely hidden under the floorboard in the caravan. I was entirely free, and there was nothing that could have troubled me.

A lot of time had passed – I wasn’t sure how much – and we had talked all along. Trying to remember what exactly we had talked about was useless. Too many different things had been mentioned. Rufus had talked – amongst other things – of some of the main events that had happened in his youth. He had described his home as he remembered it, and he had brushed over some misadventures that had happened to him in towns where soldiers were even less friendly than everywhere else. I had talked about my mother, mostly – how she was when she was still alive – and also about my father that I had barely known. More serious subjects had been evoked, also, but as it wasn’t safe to talk about those in the open, we hadn’t lingered on them.

It was incredible that time could pass so quickly, and that I didn’t even notice it passing. I wasn’t bored at all. I could have continued like this for days.

Rufus was sitting on the edge of the roof. His legs were dangling in the void. I, always less assured and less confident, was staying at a safe distance from the edge. There was a smile in his eyes as he turned his head, happy that he’d made me believe something that was not true. At that moment, I realized just how important he had become in my life, these last few days. The realization of it hit me like a kick in the gut. I didn’t know how it had gone so far. I hadn’t realized it. It had been so easy to just consider him like a definitive part of my life. It was only now that I was starting to realize that it might not always be so, that I saw how attached to him I had become. And in such a short period of time.

I had thought that it would never happen again: caring for someone. I had thought that I had grown wise enough to not let that happen. But thanks to him, thanks to all the friends I had made in the circus, I was starting to rediscover that getting attached to people was also a good thing, that it could make me feel good.

Rufus was speaking again, and I forced myself to redirect my attention towards him. The real him, the Rufus that was sitting on the edge of the roof, just a few feet away from me, and not the one who had invaded a large part of my mind.

“Sorry,” I said, confused. “What were you saying?”

“That I’m glad that you have decided to stay.”

I smiled softly. “I’m glad too,” I said, thinking of how close I had been to actually not staying.

Rufus seemed to notice a change in me. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“Oh, yes.”

I smiled, but my voice was less animated than before. Immediately, Rufus was up, and in a few strides, he had covered the distance that separated us. He knelt down next to me, and for a moment, he scrutinized my face, searching in my eyes for something. I didn’t know what.

“Really,” he said, “what is wrong?”

I shook my head. There was nothing wrong, and I would have been unable to explain why I was suddenly feeling sad. It was like this, that was all.

I looked away, ashamed of what I felt, ashamed of my own weakness. I had nothing to be sad about. On the contrary. So why was I feeling this way?

“Aimée,” Rufus called, asking me to look at him again. “If there was anything wrong, if you were changing your mind about some things, you would tell me, wouldn’t you?”

“Yes, I would, of course,” I murmured, still unable to tell where that feeling came from.

He looked at me, and I looked at him, for a long time. We were close, very close, and it was one of those moments, one of those rare moments during which I knew that I could understand him without words. And in that moment, it was very easy to tell that Rufus was thinking about the same thing as me, that he wanted the same thing I wanted.

But there was a bit of awkwardness there. We had talked about many things. But there was one thing that we had carefully avoided mentioning. And since none of us had wanted to be the first to bring up that kiss, there was something embarrassing about the situation. Personally, I wasn’t sure what to do, and I would’ve sworn that it was the same for Rufus. I would have done something, if I had been sure that it was the right thing. But since Rufus hadn’t even mentioned that moment, I hesitated. I was not sure what we were, to each other, exactly.

So, if that first kiss had come completely naturally, the second didn’t. It started off confusedly, clumsily. It was too slow, and sort of shy, as we tested the waters, trying to find the right angle, and as we broke apart, the awkwardness was still there, leaving us both with an unsatisfied taste in the mouth.

“Rufus,” I breathed, brushing his cheek with my fingertips, but once again I found myself unable to add something. He was so close that it was making my stomach ache. I was not happy with what had happened, I did not feel complete. Thoughts were confused in my head, and there was way too much anticipation there.

My hand left his cheek, fingers clumsily twisting in the fabric of his shirt. I had confusedly planned to pull him towards me, to make that tension in my chest go away, but he didn’t leave me time to do it and leaned forward.

From then on, we did not talk much anymore, but the hours passed just as quickly. It was only later, when the sky had started to darken and that Rufus announced, with annoyance perceptible in his voice, that it was time to meet Félix, that I eventually understood where that sadness had come from.

Before I met them, my life consisted in running away, meeting people with whom I only shared a moment, and to whom I would never have let myself become attached, and running away some more. I had had nothing to lose. And when I had nothing to lose, all was fine. But since I had met him, I had gained much. And now that I had that much, I had something to lose. And that made me sad. It made me sad, and it made me scared.

It was an understatement to say that I was feeling a little nervous when we arrived in sight of Félix’s caravan. In fact, I would have gladly exchanged my place with that of anyone else in the world. In that instant, I would have felt better if I’d been anywhere else, even in a room full of those soldiers that I was so afraid of. I still remembered, vividly, the argument between Félix and Rufus, on the day that I had arrived. Félix hadn’t even wanted me here in the first place. He had barely reached the point where he tolerated my presence. How could I expect a warmer reception this time?

“Don’t be nervous,” Rufus said, “it’s just a formality.”

I didn’t know where he got that from. I didn’t understand how he didn’t feel more nervous about this. Half the time that he spoke with Félix, things turned into a shouting match. He must have had enough of these experiences already to know now that there was a good chance that things wouldn’t go smoothly.

Félix was waiting for us, when we arrived. He stood there, in front of his door. His hands were balled into fists, and rested on his hips, and he seemed to me more impressive than ever, in that moment.

“You’re late,” he said in a dark voice.

I opened my mouth to stutter an excuse, but nothing came out. This was going to be dreadful.

“Well, get in,” Félix added, and his voice wasn’t much kinder.

I did as he told me, and Rufus followed me closely.

“Rufus?” Félix said, raising both eyebrows as Rufus passed in front of him.

“I’m coming with her,” Rufus stated categorically. Again, there was one of those moments during which the two of them just stared at each other without saying anything. Even I could sense the tension, and I was afraid that they would start arguing again.

After a long moment, Félix looked at me, questioningly. I didn’t know what to say.

“All right,” he sighed, “as you wish.” His lips curled upwards in an angry pout. “As always, Rufus…”

He pushed us further inside, and closed the door. It was the first time that I saw the inside of Félix’s caravan. On the outside, it was a caravan like all the others, a little larger, perhaps, and painted blue. Inside, it was mainly an office. There was a bed, in the far end, and what I assumed was a bathroom corner. But the main space was occupied by the largest desk I had ever seen – although technically, it was not as if I had seen a lot of desks before. There was no kitchen in the caravan, and I vaguely wondered where Félix ate, before realizing that it was neither the place not the moment to think about that. Around the desk, which was massive, made out of dark wood, and contained a lot of drawers, there was a lot of space. So, Félix had no problem walking around the piece of furniture. He sat down on the chair behind the desk, and indicated me the seat that was on the other side of it. Then he crossed is fingers under his chin.

“Rufus,” he grumbled, “you can take a seat in whichever corner you prefer.”

“I’ll remain standing, thank you,” Rufus said coldly.

“Take a seat!” Félix ordered.

There was a long silence and then Rufus finally sat down behind me. I could feel his gaze on the back of my neck, and it didn’t make me feel much better. I looked at Félix, waiting for him to speak, but after a moment it made me feel too uneasy, and I returned my gaze to the content of his desk. It was largely empty. The furniture seemed old. There were scratches and stains on the wood. A few papers had been forgotten there, as well as a few pens, abandoned in an old glass like those who were generally used to serve whiskey or scotch. There was also a frame, but I couldn’t see what was on the picture.

Then, Félix spoke at last. “Well, then,” he said. He threw a quick, nasty glare at Rufus. Apparently, his presence was breaking some code or rules. “This is unusual,” Félix continued, and I would have agreed, had I known what he was talking about. He looked at me, and for the first time I noticed how very clear his eyes were. “You haven’t been with us for a very long time,” he said, and I understood: not long enough for me to decide whether you are trustable or not. “And I had been under the impression that you hadn’t planned to stay for a long time.”

From what it seemed, this was going to turn into an interview, and I wondered what the point was. Félix was staring at me, waiting for me to speak. Except that I did not know what to say. In the end, I nodded a yes, because I didn’t see the point in pretending that it was not the truth.

Félix’s brow furrowed. “And may I ask what made you change your mind?”

Despite the formulation, it was obvious that he wasn’t simply asking something. He demanded an answer. I turned my head, trying to look at Rufus, catch his eye because I had no idea what to answer to that.

Félix let out a short, barking laughter, that was neither warm nor amused. “I get it,” he said. “No need to answer to that.”

So far, I hadn’t said a word, and I did not have the feeling that it was in my favor. Félix considered me in silence for a moment, then smiled. For some reason, his smile didn’t really reassure me.

“What do you think about those who are governing us?” he asked.

His question was not one that I had expected, and it surprised me. I hesitated on the answer to give.

“Félix!” Rufus exclaimed, jumping on his feet. “This is unfair. You have no right to ask that.” He seemed ready to leave.

With one wave of the hand, Félix ordered him to sit back.

Rufus protested. “What gives you the right to…”

“What gives me the right?” Félix sneered.

Again they were engaged in a glaring contest, and I was certain that, some day, it was going to end very badly. I wondered what the cause of that constant friction was, because things were such that there had to have been some very important cause at the start of it.

“What gives me the right?” Félix continued, “what gives me the right… but you, dear Rufus. You, when you come, claiming that you have very good reasons to share all our secrets with Aimée, but that you refuse to tell me what these reasons are.”

“I made a promise,” Rufus said bluntly.

“I cannot change our entire way of living just because you took a fancy to someone.”

“I’ve never asked you to!”

“You have just done so. Now, I pray, stay out of this conversation!”

They were both angry, talking through clenched teeth and breathing like that had just come out of a physical fight, and not a verbal one. I raised my hand, interrupting them before Rufus could take the argument further.

“Rufus,” I said quietly. “I will answer.” For the first time, I was not afraid. I looked at Félix. “I don’t know what their intentions are. I don’t know what motivates them. I don’t understand much about politics, never have. It has always seemed too far away from my daily preoccupations. But I can tell when someone is lying to me. I don’t know what pushes them to do so, but I don’t think it matters. They killed my mother. And this is something that I am not going to forget, or forgive.”

If I had expected a bit of compassion from Félix, it wasn’t what I received.

“Why?” he asked.

“Sorry?”

“They killed her? Why?”

“Félix, this is enough!” Rufus bellowed, his voice trembling slightly.

“Because her actions were against their laws,” I said.

There was a heavy silence in the room. I turned my head to look at Rufus, to see if he had understood that the books had belonged to her, that it was why I refused to let go of them. But his eyes were fixed on Félix, as if he was daring him to go any further.

“How did it happen?”

Félix’s questions were pressing me to relive the scene that I wanted to forget. I closed my eyes. But the memories did not want to go. They were still there, more vivid than ever.

“I don’t know,” I replied slowly. There was a nasty edge to my voice. I had thought that the years had erased the bitterness, but I was wrong. “I don’t know how they found her out? I don’t understand how they learned it. But one day, they were there. They made her kneel in the backyard, and fired a bullet to her head. Clean and quick.” I could feel the harsh lines imprinting themselves on my face. “Then they burned the house to erase all trace of her life.”

“And you?” Félix was giving me no rest.

“I ran away,” I answered, and my voice broke.

Again, I tried to meet Rufus’ eyes, hoping to find some comfort there. His face was as pale as death. In two strides, he was at my side, pulling me up.

“We are not staying one more second,” he said angrily.

I looked at Félix. “All that she had done was, believe that everyone had the right to dream a little.” I was ready to follow Rufus out. If Félix wanted to throw me away, then so be it. I no longer cared. If things were going to go like this, I did not even want to stay.

Before we could reach the door, there was a loud banging.

“What!” Félix shouted angrily.

“Félix, you gotta come!” I recognized Raymond’s voice. “Some nutheads from the town are looking for a fight.”

Félix groaned. “You two,” he said, looking at us, “you stay here. We need to talk some more.”

All trace of hostility had left his voice, at last. The next second, he was storming out. I had no doubts that, if those people from the town had even a tiny bit of sense, they’d take off running when they saw him.

I hesitantly looked at Rufus, wondering if we were going to wait for Félix.

“I’m sorry,” he said in a low voice. “I didn’t know. I had no idea he was going to make you talk about that.”

I sighed. “It wasn’t your fault, but… Rufus?”

“Yes?”

“I don’t want to be caught in one of your fights again.”

“It was not my intention to…” Rufus mumbled, a sad look in his eyes.

“No, I know. But it happened nonetheless. You two, you fight all the time, and people they get caught in between.”

“Are you mad at me?” he asked quietly.

“No. You know I’m not.”

“I’m really sorry. I hate him for making you talk about that, making you sad…”

I shrugged my shoulders, defeated. “Don’t. I would have had to talk about it at some point, anyway. I’m just glad that you were there, because I don’t think I would have had the strength to retell it, as of now…”

I found refuge in his embrace, and it was like that that Félix found us when he barged in, several minutes later. He slammed the door shut, not caring at all if he was intruding in something private.

“Aimée, please return to your seat,” he said.

I did so, with the feeling that things were not going to get any better. This time, Rufus did not sit down. He remained standing, right behind me. Félix didn’t seem to care.

“Do you believe that too?” Félix asked. He sounded tired.

“Do I believe what?” I asked.

“Do you believe that everyone has the right to dream a little?”

I considered him for a moment. “What does it matter to you?”

“Do you?”

I sighed. Rufus touched my neck with the tip of his fingers. It wasn’t even a brush, certainly not a caress. He was just trying to tell me: ‘I’m here, don’t worry’.

“I suppose, yes,” I said. I sighed again. “Others can do whatever they want, Félix. I do not care.”

Félix looked at me for a very long moment, but he did not ask anything. After a very long time, he stood up. “Welcome,” he said simply. His welcome wasn’t accompanied by a hug, or even just a smile. He just said that, then designated the door. We made a move in its direction.

“Aimée?” Félix said, when Rufus had opened the door. “One last word.”

I looked at him, then nodded at Rufus, telling him that it was alright. He got out and closed the door, with a dark look on his face. I turned to Félix again, to see what he wanted.

“He’s like my son, you know,” he said, his voice softer.

“Who?”

Félix looked at the door. It was eloquent enough.

“Oh… Rufus?”

Félix nodded a yes.

“I’m not sure I understand,” I hazarded.

“What are your intentions?”

“Sorry?” He was taking me off guard. I wasn’t sure… I had read about questions like that. It just didn’t make sense that he was asking it to me.

“You understood me. If you’re not going to invest yourself, if somewhere in the back of your mind, you still have this idea that you are going to leave, then you can go away now.” That said, he opened the door, letting me out.

Rufus was waiting just in front of the caravan. I quickly joined him.

“What did he want?”

Threatening me…

“Nothing important. Just telling me to be careful.”