Fading, Like the Stars

There was something dulling in the slow and monotone journey of the caravans on the dusty country roads. Once passed the wonder of the new mode of transport, it was all pretty much the same, all the time. Even the changing sceneries… well, the changing sceneries were not changing that much. It was all road sides and ditches, and trees, and houses every now and then. The circus was passing by all this at the same speed, not stopping, not taking any time to look at things. For most of them, it was the same sceneries they’d seen many times now, it was nothing new. There was nothing exciting about that. But at least, we hadn’t come across a patrol again. The way the caravan rolled and bumped on the road, combined with the regular sound of the horses and the wheels on the soil, was lulling me to sleep.

It wasn’t even late in the afternoon, but yet my eyes kept closing. I had spent the first days I had travelled with the circus curiously looking around. It was all new to me, that mode of travel. I saw things from a different perspective, it was much more easy to contemplate than when I had been walking. But that had changed. It seemed that the detached reaction that most had towards the sights that were offered to them, was contagious. I no longer kept my eyes wide open. Instead I found myself resting my head against the wood, and close my eyes, more and more often. And I let the thoughts that were swirling in my mind keep me company.

They were quite invasive, those thoughts. Annoying, even. Mostly, they revolved around the circus, and around my conversation – or was it more appropriate to call it an argument? – with Félix. I still did not understand where it had been suppose to lead. The purpose did not appear clearly to me. I thought he had agreed to let me stay before. So what had changed? Why had I suddenly needed to answer to his questions? I knew that I had to have something to do with the books. Their discovery was what had pushed Rufus to arrange that interview. But why had it been needed? I sort of felt that it had been to let me in some sort of secret. But I hadn’t heard any secret. And since I had no idea what it was that was going on in the circus, my mind was running wild, elaborating theories, each one more insane than the previous one.

Rufus was of no help. He seemed determined to keep the secret, whatever it was. I asked and prayed and insisted that he would tell me what was going on, but his only answer was always that he could not explain, that I needed to see. That, of course, left me even more puzzled. And the theories that I was elaborating were even more insane. I knew that I wouldn’t discover what it was until I reached the next town. And that would take at least three or four more days. It was torture.

I tried not to think about it too much. For all I knew, it could have been something very different from all the things I thought about. When I would discovered what it was – when Rufus would finally stop being mysterious and just explain to me – I might be disappointed, if I kept imagining all this. Actually, I was probably going to be disappointed. It was probably nothing. What could the circus be hiding that would be of such a tremendous importance. I began to know these people. I had spent enough time with them to get a clear idea of how they functioned. They weren’t revolutionaries. They were artists and dreamers, and even if that was dangerous enough these days, they weren’t fighters or anything.

And yet, no matter how much I told myself not to think about that, it was all I could do, when we were travelling like that, and that Rufus was too absorbed in his own thoughts to carry a conversation. Some things might have changed between us, but there were others that still remained the same. One of these things was that Rufus still didn’t talk much. He kept things to himself, all of the time. When he was worried, I could not get him to talk about the cause of his worries. I could only try to make him smile, make him forget about it. As I had never really been a really cheery one, the first was not always a success. As for making him forget… well, I liked to think that I had ways to make him forget about what worried him.

Even now that we were travelling, that the sun was shining, and that I was sitting there, trying to crack the mystery of this travelling circus, Rufus had that look on his face. That look that made me want to reach out and smooth the worry lines on his forehead, as if that simple gesture would be enough to make the actual worries disappear.

He thought I didn’t see it. Because I was resting my head against the wooden panel and that my eyes were closed, he thought that I couldn’t see that look on his face. But I could. And there was no use in asking him what was wrong. Whenever I asked, he just said that there was nothing wrong, and that he had every reason in the world to be happy. That, I think, was his own, slightly flirtatious way of telling me to shut.

“Rufus?” I murmured, giving him the time to compose himself before I turned my head to look at him more frankly.

The pensive look was quickly wiped off his face, and he shot me a smile. “You’ll have to see for yourself,” he said, a smirk lifting the corners of his lips, “if I just told you, it wouldn’t make any sense, you’d think I’ve lost my mind.”

“For once, it’s not what I wanted to talk about,” I said, shaking my head.

“Oh. What about, then?”

I looked up at the sky, searching for the sun that had momentarily hidden behind the clouds. “How long till we stop for the night?” I asked with a sigh. I wanted us to have a proper conversation. One where we would sit face to face and talk, not one on a rolling chariot surrounded by other rolling chariots, and with everyone perfectly able to hear every word that was said. I wanted some privacy, and I was starting to realize that it was something that you did not really get when you lived in a community like this one.

The books that were now hidden under the floor in the caravan hadn’t been taken out or mentioned since Rufus had placed them there. It was one of the things that I wanted to talk about. Then there were other things that I wanted to talk about, but they were all personal subjects, and I didn’t want anyone else than Rufus to hear.

Rufus looked around for a moment before he answered. “An hour, two, at best.” He looked at me and had a small smile. “Two hours at worst,” he corrected.

“At worst?” I questioned, raising my eyebrows.

Rufus sighed. “Do I really need to explain?”

I laughed quietly, shaking my head, and looking at the caravan ahead of us. I wished we’d just hurry and get there already.

“I wish I didn’t have to keep my eyes on the road all the time,” Rufus groaned.

“Doesn’t the horse know where to go?”

“She’s clever, but not that clever.”

“All she has to do is follow the caravan before us,” I grumbled, resting my head on his shoulder. I felt him tense for a split second, then relax. I smiled, glad that I was the cause of this reaction. Rufus was frustrating me immensely these days. It was only justice.

Silence fell between us again, and I sighed. Life on the road did have some disadvantages, after all.

In the end, it did only last an hour until the circus found somewhere every one could stop to spend the night. But even then, it seemed that we were not destined to get peace. We’d only just stopped and free the horse so that it could search for its own food, that Raymond came along with a message. Apparently, Félix demanded to see Rufus. Immediately, of course. Rufus got annoyed, cursed and swore, but eventually went anyway.

“Why does Félix always have to talk to him?” I asked Raymond when Rufus had left, “can’t we just be alone for five minutes?”

The dark-skinned man just shrugged his shoulder and with a smile, wished me a pleasant evening. I watched him walk away, with a wince on my face. I had learned, after a week or so, that people took turns to do things in the circus. Every day, it was very clear who would have to take of the horses, who would have to get wood for the fires, who would have to prepare the food for the evening. As neither Rufus nor I had anything to do this evening, I was hoping to spend the rest of the day with him. It wasn’t starting as well as I had hoped. I crossed the camp, searching for someone that I could help. Since my plans for the evening were already ruined, I might as well have done something helpful for someone.

Then again, my plans were ruined. No one seemed to be in need of any help. Desperate for a bit of company, I headed to the Émilie’s caravan. If she wasn’t helping Daniel with the tigers, there was a good chance that she would be ready to accept my help, or just sit round to tell a story. Émilie had dozens of stories to tell about the circus. Some of these were so incredible that I believed she was inventing half of them, but it was still funny to listen to her. I particularly enjoyed all the stories that she could tell me about Rufus. It gave me the impression to get to know sides of him that I did not see.

I knocked on the door, but Émilie apparently wasn’t there. I waited for a moment, but no one opened. I was ready to return to Rufus’ caravan and just wait for his return, hoping that he wouldn’t be away all night, Émilie showed up with a relieved look on her face.

“You’re not with Rufus?” she asked when she saw me.

“No.” I winced. “Félix has to see him. Again.” I rolled my eyes. It was the third evening that Félix was requesting to talk to Rufus since he’d talk to me. Some days, I had the feeling that he was doing all he could so that we would spend as little time together as possible. It was only adding to my frustration.

“He has a lot to tell him,” Émilie stated casually, with a hint of amusement in her voice.

“Actually, I was searching for you. Do you have anything to do?”

The relieved look made its way back to Émilie’s face. “Ah. No… Hmm, actually, not really true. I was supposed to have to prepare the food for tonight, but oh god, tonight I really didn’t want to do it. I mean, I’ve had chores every evening this week, I don’t know how Félix does his lists, but he seems to think that I’ve done something wrong lately, because he gives twice as much work as the others…”

“Well, shouldn’t you go, then?” I asked, looking at her. Sometimes, Émilie lost herself in her rants, and didn’t make much sense. Whenever she was excited or anxious about something, she talked too much. I’d learned that over the days.

“Oh, no. That’s where I was getting…” she smiled cheekily. “I’d sort of forgotten what I wanted to say, thanks for reminding me. I’ve traded chores with Sylvie… well… traded chores… I made her take care of the food. She owed me a favor,” she quickly added, before I could ask how she’d made Sylvie do something for her. I remembered that Émilie had mentioned the day we’d met that Sylvie was always annoying and always complaining about something. I had then thought that she was exaggerating. That was until I’d learned to know Sylvie, and discovered that all that Émilie had said was true. It wasn’t like Sylvie to do something for others for free. Not that she was mean or something, but people didn’t really dare to ask her a favor, because they didn’t want to hear her complain about it for weeks.

“She owes me several, actually,” Émilie added. She looked like she was holding something to herself for a moment, then she smiled mischievously, and I knew that she was going to say whatever she was thinking about. “Covered up for her last year when we’d stopped in that town and that she’d disappeared for more than a week to see that guy. Kept telling Félix that she wasn’t feeling well and that she preferred to stay in the caravan and didn’t want to see anyone. God knows what he’d have done if he’d learned the real reason. Probably would’ve said that if she found the town so enjoyable, she could stay there, and would’ve left without her.”

“So you’ve got nothing to do for now, then…” I said, summarizing all that she had said.

“Nope. And neither do you, apparently. Unless Rufus comes back soon…”

“I don’t know,” I sighed. “If Félix holds him back for too long, then he’ll probably just come back when night has fallen, grab his sleeping bag, wish me a goodnight and disappear again…” I paused for a moment and let out another sigh. “I wish he’d just stop doing that.”

Émilie laughed frankly at that.

“There’s nothing to laugh about,” I said, then my eyes widened in embarrass as I was unable to believe that I’d said that out loud. I could feel the heat invading my cheeks.

“I’m not laughing at you,” Émilie protested. “It’s just that Rufus is not always all that considerate when it comes to other people’s feelings, and now he’s trying to act like he thinks a gentleman should act, except that it doesn’t please you at all.” She was struggling to stifle her laughter, but was failing miserably.

“Milie!” I protested. “It’s not funny.”

“No it’s not,” she said, shaking her head. She smiled widely. “I love you two. You’re both so cautious.” She stopped laughing and became serious again. “I’m glad you’ve decided to stay with us, Aimée,” she said earnestly, “it does him good, you know, to have someone…”

“You sure?” I asked, trying to mask the uncertainty in my voice.

“Of course,” she exclaimed, looking at me with wide eyes. “How can you doubt it? It was just so obvious that he wanted you. Everyone around here had certainly seen it anyway. Was just the two of you that didn’t seem to be in a rush…”

“It’s just that he’s so quiet sometimes…”

“I know,” she said, and she nodded, very serious. “But it’s got nothing to do with you. I tried to get him to talk all the time, but he never spoke about it. But maybe you’ll be luckier…”

I could only hope so. I didn’t like to see Rufus so worried. He was important to me. More important than anyone had been, these last years. His happiness mattered.

For the first time in god knows how long, I actually cared for something else than my own safety.
It was strange, I had to admit that. But it wasn’t unpleasant. It was sort of… good. It was good. It felt right. It was too early to say what it meant exactly, whether it would last or not, but I had decided to not let these things bother me for the moment. I would take things as they came, and see where it led me. But for the first time in years, there seemed to actually be hope. There was something that I could expect from the future.

The future, however, didn’t seem like it was going to show his face soon. The days that followed passed in the exact same drowsy, monotone way than those that had come before. We packed everything in the mornings, travelled all day long and it was, again and again, the same side roads and the same ditches and the same trees and the few same isolated farms. Then we stopped in the evenings, most of the time too tired to even take some time to enjoy ourselves, unpacked everything, ate and slept, and then the next morning, packed it all again, and were on the road. It was a comfort to have Rufus with me all the time, although he did not open up much. But he was there, and it was… it was already something great.

All the time, my thoughts revolved around that last barrier between us that I had not yet managed to cross. Or around that thing about the circus, whatever it was, that I had not yet learned. When we travelled, I tried to ask questions about it. I tried to guess what it could be. This seemed to amuse Rufus greatly. He laughed at my poor tentative of guessing what he still refused to tell me. Shook his head every time my guess was wrong, that is to say, all the time. Encouraged me with a smile to be patience. But my patience had its limits. In my head, I was counting the days since that meeting with Félix. More than a week had passed already. I didn’t think I could be any more patient. I just wanted to know. Whatever it was. However disappointing it might or might not be. I just wanted to know.

Then we reached the next town, and I was properly amazed. There was no other word for it. I was amazed. I had sort of expected it to be some copy of the town that we had left. It was nothing of that sort. It was huge. Enormous. A real city. With all that was terrifying about it. I did not dared to live the camp the first evening. Rufus proposed a walk, but I declined. The bigger the city was, the more there were chances to walk across a patrol. I wasn’t ready to take the risk. Especially now that I felt I had something to lose.

The day that followed, luckily, there was too much to do in preparation of the show that would come, and I had no time to worry about anything else. Then everything went back to normal, except that we were not travelling anymore. In this city, things were different. More publicity needed to be made. The show had to be advertised for. The show wasn’t gonna take place the next day. I didn’t ask questions. It made sense that they wanted to wait a day or two, make sure that everything was perfect. There was potential to reach a much wider audience. So I did not really question the fact that half the people of the circus seemed to have disappeared the following afternoon. I thought they’d just gone and advertised for the show. It didn’t really occur to me that they could have been doing something else.

But then, as the evening arrived, Rufus showed up with a smile on his face that told me quite immediately that he was up to something.

“Just how curious are you?” he asked, and I didn’t even know what to answer.

He smiled again at my lack of reaction. “So?” he asked.

“Is this… is this… really?” I mumbled. After having waited so long, I had started to think that this moment that he’s talked about, the ‘big reveal’ would never actually come. And… and there it was.

“We’ll have to go to town, though,” he said, and I was surprised. How could something related to the circus actually be in the city? It didn’t really make much sense to me.

I followed him anyway. It was all sort of a blur. I was too curious and excited to really pay attention. I was trying, I think, to convince myself that this was real, all along the way. The only thing I did notice was that, contrary to Rufus’ habit, we did not head up, to a roof or something, but rather down, to a basement of some sort. It was a bit dirty and dingy, and I honestly wondered what we were doing there. We passed under and arch, and arrived in front of a door. It was guarded it seemed. By none other than Raymond. When he saw us, he quietly let us through, as if that was quite usual.

Passed that door, there was another room. At the end of it, there was a curtain. An old dirty looking curtain. There were noises on the other side of the curtain. Rufus stopped, and I listened. I recognized the voice that was speaking, I thought. It was… it was Félix.

“Have I then lived so long only for this disgrace?” he was saying, “Have I grown grey…”

I shot a confused look at Rufus. Had he brought me here to listen to Félix speaking? Why?

Then Rufus pushed the curtain away, and my eyes widened.