Fading, Like the Stars

I had eventually fallen asleep on Rufus’ shoulder. We had talked the whole night through. Rufus had patiently answered every question that I had, the best he could. Any other would have gotten tired, or bored. Any other would have asked for some peace, some rest. But not Rufus. There was a kindness to him, at least when he was with me. He had been as patient as I had always known him to be. He was probably tired. I certainly was. But I had so many questions, so many things I wanted to know, to understand. I knew that I could probably get the answers with time, but I couldn’t wait. I had never met anyone who did something like that. Before the evening, I didn’t even think that plays could still be acted somewhere. How could I ever have dreamt that I would someday be given the chance to witness one? No, I could definitely not wait to get the answers with time.

There was so much that still intrigued me. How did they organize it? Whose idea had it been, in the first place? Where had they found all these plays? Weren’t all the books that contained them, destroyed? Where did the plays come from? Where there, then, other books, other scripts, hidden somewhere in the circus? Did everyone else in the circus know?

I could have continued for days. Every time one question was answered, there was a new one that popped in my head.

But no matter how curious I was, tiredness did take over in the end. And so I ended up unwillingly falling asleep on Rufus’ shoulder. I did not sleep long. Almost immediately woke up. But it was too late. I immediately blushed, embarrassed, hoping that I had not annoyed him. Rufus hadn’t moved at all. He was sitting next to me, very still, very quiet, as if he’d been turned into stone, as if he was afraid that even his breathing would wake me up.

“Oh. I’m sorry,” I mumbled, confused. I rubbed my eyes with my fingers, as if that would compensate for the lack of sleep.

“Nothing to be sorry about,” Rufus replied quietly. He had trouble keeping his eyes open, too, and there was something about it that made me smile fondly for a very brief moment. To see him like this, tired by the fact that he had stayed up all night to answer my questions, that made him seem, to me, more vulnerable, in a certain way. He’d almost always given me the impression that he was very much in control of everything, and especially of himself. It hadn’t taken me that long to understand that Rufus was someone who kept things to himself. He wasn’t one for sharing his emotions, or to start deep philosophical conversations. He preferred to keep quiet; to remain silent. When he talked, especially when he talked about things that were personal, I could see that he was making an effort – I wasn’t going to criticize, I was the same in many ways, although my difficulty to talk did not really come from a trait of character but rather from a prolonged solitude. But sharing things didn’t come naturally to Rufus, and the look on his face that betrayed his tiredness was something that I greatly valued. It made him more fragile, it made him more human, less out of reach. And it made my heart grow, and increased my affection for him even more. I was learning things about him, every day. He was letting me in a little more, even if not voluntarily.

“I’m keeping you from getting some rest,” I replied, shaking my head at his previous remark. I stood up, despite how much I liked his company, his presence, especially when we were so close and that I could feel his body next to me. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled again.

Through the window, I could see the day breaking, and the sky getting clearer with every minute that passed.

“I get very selfish, when curiosity gets the best of me,” I added.

“It’s perfectly understandable,” said Rufus, in a gentle way. He smiled.

I knew, of course, that even if it was perfectly understandable, it was something that Rufus would never have done. He, careful as he was, would have asked me if I wasn’t too tired, if I didn’t want to rest.

“What time could it be?” I groaned, half as a question and half to myself. I stretched my arms. My body felt sore after such a long time of remaining in the same position.

“It’s still early,” Rufus said, a little thoughtfully. He gazed outside for a while, too. “You can rest, I think no one will be mad at you if you rest today. Though I’m quite certain that Émilie and Daniel are dying to hear your thoughts on what you learned today… well, yesterday, technically.

I cast the bed a longing glance. “And you?” I asked. “You should rest too.”

Rufus shook his head. “Too many things to do,” he said. “The circus is giving a show tonight. There is going to be a lot of work today, to make sure that everything is ready.”

“But there’s still plenty of time,” I protested. “You should rest, too, even if only for a few hours. Nobody’s going to wake up before a few hours!”

“I’m not tired,” Rufus lied with a smile. “Go on, I’ll leave you, if you want. We’ll see each other later.”

I folded my arms across my chest, like an annoyed little child. “If you’re not going to sleep, then neither am I,” I informed him very seriously.

Rufus laughed frankly. I liked the way he laughed. It was an honest laugh, loud perhaps, because he didn’t really care what people would think of it. I liked the sound of it. It was exactly like him. It was exactly how I imagined that he would laugh. And I liked the way his eyes twinkled as he laughed.

He should laugh more, I thought at that moment. He should laugh all the time. I want him to be happy all the time.

I looked away, embarrassed. I had never cared so much for someone, so quickly. But then again, I’d never met anyone like him. Rufus was different from everyone else I’d met. He just was.

“Why?” he asked.

“Because,” I replied gravely, struggling to find the right words. “Because.”

“That’s not really an answer,” Rufus said lightly.

I just shook my head. He smiled again. The kind of smile that made me give in, the kind of smile that made me agree, no matter what it was that he asked for.

“No,” I said, not giving up this time. “You’re not going to keep making sacrifices for me and getting nothing back.”

“Who says I’m getting nothing back?” Rufus said, the smile leaving his face and his expression becoming very serious again. “I certainly never said or even thought it.”

I momentarily lost track of what I wanted to say, and Rufus took advantage of it to speak again.

“What are you going to do, then, if you don’t rest?” he asked, half amused and half serious.

“I don’t know,” I grumbled, getting annoyed at my own reactions. “Drink some coffee.” There was coffee somewhere in the caravan, I remembered. Émilie had brought some the other day, arguing that it was something that was absolutely necessary. Nobody had touched it, and the pack should still be in the cupboards, somewhere. “Yes, I’ll make coffee? Do you want some? Or something else to drink?”

“Coffee’s fine,” said Rufus. He was looking at me, a little taken aback. “Thank you… But I still don’t understand why you’re staying awake, and I’m going to keep asking until I get an answer. You don’t have to feel obliged to keep me company.”

“I think I do,” I said quietly, hesitating before I took a deep breath. “And I also think… I think you don’t have to sleep outside like you always do. I think you should – I mean… It’s very nice – kind – of you to give me some privacy, but…” I was speaking slowly, trying to sound casual and hoping, really hoping, that I was not going to do something embarrassing, like blushing, for example. “Oh, Rufus. This is your caravan. This is where you live. You shouldn’t be expelled from it. And… and there is, I mean, there is enough, more than enough, space for two here.”

“Okay,” he said.

“What?” I hadn’t expected him to give in so easily. I had thought that he would protest, that he would come up with God knows what strange, chivalrous idea or principle, argue that he wanted me to be as comfortable as possible. I’d prepared myself to fight hard to convince him. I was ready to insist again and again and again, and to search for the right thing to say that would make him change his mind.

He took me by surprise by agreeing immediately.

“Did you just… Did I just make you change your mind? Just like that? ”

“Just like that.”

I sighed softly. I felt a bit like I’d prepared myself for a battle that wasn’t going to come, and now I was… I didn’t know what to do with myself.

“Yes, right, the coffee,” I mumbled, remembering what I had been set on doing.

“Forget the coffee,” Rufus said.

“Sorry?”

“Forget the coffee. Everyone is asleep, and we should be too.”

It was one small victory for me, hearing him admit out loud that he was tired too.

“We should rest,” I agreed. “Nobody’s going to be up for another three to four hours.”

There was something electrifying about the fact that I wasn’t going to just live in Rufus’ caravan anymore. We would start to share the place. In a sense, it made it a little bit my caravan, too. It made me feel like I belonged here a little more. And between that, and the fact that I had been allowed to learn what they were really doing, I had the feeling that I was part of something. For the first time, I seriously considered the idea of building a life here. And for the first time, I didn’t even cast away the thought of definitely staying. Not immediately, and not even after giving it some thought.

Rufus had to be even more tired than he looked like, because he fell asleep almost immediately. I didn’t. It did not matter how much I wanted to rest, too, I couldn’t close my eyes that morning. I wasn’t sure what was forcing me to stay awake, but it appeared quite quickly that I wouldn’t be able to sleep. It was the excitement of all that I had discovered, the curiosity, the surprise… all of these feelings that mingled and that kept me awake. But there was something else, too. Something I couldn’t quite name yet, and that didn’t make me happy or excited like the rest. A tiny part of me couldn’t help feeling anxious. There was a part of me, the part that had suffered the most from all that had happened, that told me that things weren’t always going to be that simple, or that good. At some point, trouble would emerge from all the magnificent things that had happened in my life lately.

Rufus wasn’t one of those persons who seemed completely at peace when they slept. Even as he was asleep, he frowned and seemed troubled. Not that I had initially intended to stare at him for hours, but now that I had him here and that I could observe him to my heart’s content without giving him the impression that I was a little obsessive. In fact, I could barely look away from his face. I wondered, at that moment, what troubled him, when he was supposed to rest. Despite everything, his life was not that bad. He was as safe as he could be, given what the circus was really about. He had people he could rely on, people he could talk to. And for now, there was no danger in sight. Life, at least from my point of view, had never been that generous.

And yet, his face, now that he couldn’t control every single of his emotions and expressions, displayed worry, and therefore, I was worried too.

I forgot all my worries as the morning went on. Rufus had a neutral expression back on, and he was showing nothing of the worries that I had surprised while he slept. He was every bit as strong and composed as he’d always seemed to be. He smiled at me, and he was nice, and he cared, oh he cared more than what I had seen in years. For a moment, everything was great. More than that. It was just so much better than what I had imagined.

If there was anything to worry about, I didn’t know what it was. For the first time since long, I had the impression that I belonged somewhere, and the reaction of everyone in the circus only increased that feeling. They didn’t question the fact that I had been told about their secret. No one protested or doubted that I could be trusted. They all acted as if it was normal, as if I had, after the time that I had spent with them, earned the right to know about the plays. They acted as if it was perfectly normal, smiled at me knowingly, some asked what I had thought about it. Others shared their experiences, told me how they had reacted when they had learned. They had always been welcoming, like a family. But now they were even friendlier.

“I’m amazed,” I told Rufus as we sat down next to the fire, when the evening came.

“What amazes you?” he asked.

“Everyone’s reaction,” I said simply. “They are all so accepting. I haven’t been here for long, but they treat me like one of them. First I’m allowed to learn their secret, they trust me…” I smiled. I was truly amazed that people would show so much trust in me. Perhaps it was because I had personally never showed much trust in people. “They treat me like I’m part of their family. That’s not usual, that’s not how people usually react.”

“That’s how they should react,” Rufus said.

“You know how the world outside is,” I protested. “People here are great, but there are loads of people out there that don’t deserve to be trusted.”

“I know what you mean,” he muttered, “but if we start seeing the worst into everyone, then where will we find the hope that things are going to change one day?”

It was the first time that Rufus talked clearly about his hopes for a change. I scrutinized his face for a moment, trying to see what he really thought about this.

“You really believe that this… the way things are… you really believe that there will be a change, at some point.”

“Of course,” Rufus said immediately. “It can’t, it just simply can’t stay like this forever.”

“I don’t see how the world could change,” I said, with a note of defeat clearly perceptible in my tone. “We’ve gone too far. We’ve gone too far into ignoring each other, into not caring about those who are in need. I don’t see how we could possibly go back.”

“I’m not seeing it as going back or going forward,” murmured Rufus, “but things will change. There is no other possibility. I can’t say when or where, but it won’t stay like this forever. It can’t. One day, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a hundred years, people will wake up, and they will understand that things can’t stay like this. And a change will come. In the end, it always does. It’s only a matter of time.”

“Is this why you are doing this,” I asked, “the plays? Is this why you’re going around acting these? To show people that the world can be different from what they know?”

“Yes. But not only that,” Rufus explained, “we’re not revolutionaries, we’re not actively trying to change things. We try to show to people that they’ve got the right to dream, but we’re also doing that, on another level, with the circus shows. As for the plays… on a more basic level, we’re just trying to keep the tradition alive. If we didn’t do it, in ten, twenty years, when the time is ripe for a change, there would be no one to remember what theatre was like. It would be a dead tradition, and with the plays destroyed, there would be no way to revive it. It would be lost, dead. We’re keeping it alive.”

“I think I understand,” I said eventually.

There was a long silence after that, that was interrupted when someone sat down next to me.

“So serious, both of you,” Émilie said. “Don’t you two have all the reasons in the world to smile? Young and in love…” Her eyes twinkled as she spoke animatedly.

“Where’ve you been all day?” Rufus asked, deliberately ignoring her previous remark. “I’d thought we’d see you much earlier.”

Émilie sighed and rolled her eyes. “Félix,” she groaned. “Caught me this morning. I’ve had to work ever since.” She sighed and turned her head towards me. “I really wanted to see you, but I couldn’t escape. He would’ve noticed and gotten mad at me. You think you’ve seen him when he’s angry, but you ain’t seen nothing yet. He’s been surprisingly reasonable these last few weeks…”

I laughed lightly. If there was only one thing that I had to say about Émilie, it would be the fact that she had a true gift to make people feel happy. She always managed to make us smile.

“But I trust that you have been in good company,” continued Émilie. She flashed Rufus a smile. “I’m sure the two of you have been so busy that you haven’t even noticed my absence.”

“We have,” Rufus replied, rolling his eyes at her, “but not like you think. We’ve had to work, too, you know.”

“Look at him complain,” said Émilie as she smiled. “Say whatever you want, I can confirm that you’ve never smiled as much as you have these last few days.”

“Who’s never smiled that much?” asked Daniel as he appeared behind us.

“Rufus,” Émilie explained. “I’s just telling Aimée that she shouldn’t be under the impression that he’s a particularly smiley person because these last few days were the exception.”

Daniel nodded gravely. “That is true.”

“Where’ve you been anyway?” Émilie asked, helping him to sit down with us. “Been looking for you all over the place.”

“Tigers. What were you talking about, by the way?”

Émilie smiled. “Well, you arrived just as I was about to ask Aimée what she thought of all that she saw yesterday?”

Daniel laughed lightly. “You mean that you haven’t asked her yet? How come?”

“I was busy. All day. So annoying. I had so much to discuss with her, now that she knows…”

“See, Aimée,” Daniel said to me with an amused smile on his face, “you’ve been lucky to escape it. Would have taken hours otherwise…”

“I do not speak that much!” Émilie protested.

“Of course you don’t, sweetheart, of course you don’t. Seriously, Aimée, though, did it come as a surprise much? Or had Rufus blabbered before you arrived there?”

I shook my head. “No, he hadn’t said anything. I seriously did not expect that.”

“What did you think of it, though?” Émilie asked eagerly.

I smiled, reminiscing. “Oh, it was brilliant. More than that. I can’t even find the words to say how great it was. I was… I thought I was in a dream, for a moment.”

“Good way to describe it,” Émilie approved.

“When is there going to be another play?” I enquired curiously. “Does anyone know?”

It was Daniel who answered. “Not before we reach our next destination.”

“Which is the capital, isn’t it?” Émilie asked.

“Yes,” Daniel answered. “It’s that godforsaken place. We’re giving two plays there.”

Émilie nodded, Rufus gave no particular reactions, but I tensed and felt a shiver run down my spine. “You’re going to play?” I asked, unable to believe it “Right under the nose of those who ban it?”

“It’s not going to be under their noses,” Rufus said reassuringly. “And we’ve done it plenty of time. The people who come to see us there are trustworthy.”

“But it’s a dangerous place to be,” I protested, “it’s a dangerous place to go to, and I’m not even speaking of going there and do something that is against their laws.”

“There’s nothing to fear,” Rufus said.

Daniel laughed. A little bitterly, it seemed to me. “On the contrary,” he said, “there’s everything to fear, but it’s not a bad thing. There are places where fear is the only thing that is keeping you alive. Since we’re going there, I suppose we’re going to introduce Aimée to the librarian…”

“If she wants to,” Rufus answered quietly, but despite all my efforts, he did not give any more information on that librarian.