Fading, Like the Stars

It seemed that they liked to keep things a secret, in the circus. They enjoyed shrouding things in mystery. During the days that followed that first mention of the librarian, I actively tried to discover what it was about. That, of course, wasn’t an easy task. Because they seemed to love secrecy so much. I could understand that they hid things about the plays, because it was something dangerous. And the fact that I had been kept in the dark had only made things more marvelous when I had discovered the truth. I wouldn’t have been that amazed if I had known beforehand.

But that love of secrets was getting annoying. I had never been overwhelmingly curious before, but now not knowing was a torture. I just had to know.

When curiosity eventually got the best of me, and that waiting for the answer became impossible, I turned towards the person I thought more likely to help me. I cornered Émilie when everyone else was getting ready to leave, well-decided that I would not leave her alone until she had explained why everyone was only letting slip little bits of information that they knew very well wouldn’t do anything but make me even more curious. Out of everyone, it seemed to me that Émilie was the one that was most likely to give in if I insisted enough. I already knew that there was no point in trying to get an answer out of Rufus or Daniel. The only answer I ever received from them was an amused smile.

“Émilie, please,” I insisted for the third or probably fourth time, “I really do want to know more about that librarian that you and Daniel and Rufus mentioned.”

Émilie sighed. “I can’t tell you,” she said with a sorry look. “I’d love to, but I can’t.”

“Why? I’m going to find out, at some point, aren’t I? As soon as we get there, I’ll find out, so you might as well tell me now. It’s not even as if I wasn’t allowed to know. You know that I wouldn’t even ask it this was about something that was none of my business. But it’s not even that! It’s just Rufus and Daniel’s idea of a good way to keep a surprising side to things.”

“But they made me swear that I’d keep it as a surprise,” she said. “Just be patient. You’ll understand soon enough. You said so yourself.”

I decided to try a different approach. “I won’t tell them you told me, I promise. I’m as good at keeping secrets as everyone else in the circus is.”

But she shook her head. “Stop asking me, Aimée. You’ll be glad that we didn’t spoil it all…”

“How could I be glad when my friends refuse to tell me things?”

Émilie had a small smile. “It’s not even that important,” she said, “just pretend that we didn’t mention it. And think about the journey instead. It’s quite a long trip that awaits us, but you’ll see, it’s great.”

“It annoys me to no end that the three of you keep teasing me like this,” I protested, not letting her change the subject.

“It’s not teasing,” Émilie said very seriously. “It’s simply that it’s not the moment yet to explain in details, that’s all. There’s still a long way to the capital, and plenty of things can happen until we get there. It’s safer if we don’t tell you everything for now…”

“Why didn’t you tell me so immediately?” I enquired. “This makes more sense. And I would’ve stopped bothering you if I knew that it was that serious.”

Émilie sighed. “We would have told you, but it doesn’t really make much sense to us to simply tell you that it’s sensible information…” Her voice became softer, and she shook her head slightly. “I think that the three of us forgot that you knew how rough it can be out there. We’ve been protected by the circus and by each other for so long that we simply forgot that you could understand better than us the danger of carrying important things that none of them out there is allowed to discover. We just didn’t think about that. We thought that if we told you that it was too dangerous to tell you straightaway, you would want to know why it was dangerous, and it was something that we couldn’t explain. We can’t tell you why the librarian is so important to us. It’s something that you have to see for yourself. We thought that we couldn’t make you understand that.” She had a bitter smile. “It was forgetting, of course, that you have been roaming out there for so long, and that you know perhaps even better than us how things can be.”

I looked at her, silent for a moment. There was something uncomfortable about hearing her talk about the years of my life that had passed before I had met them. She seemed to find it dreadful, what I had gone through. And even if it had been everything but funny, I wasn’t under the impression that it had been that horrible. During all that time, I had only had one thing on my mind, one sole concern: staying alive. The rest, all that surrounded me, all that I could’ve felt or seen, it didn’t matter. I lived and breathed to see one more day. I woke up and went to sleep with one thought. To stay alive. And I had managed it. So things weren’t that terrible in the end.

I nodded shortly, to tell Émilie that I understood. “It’s alright, you don’t have to…” I sighed, “whatever… I’ll stop annoying you about that librarian. I’ll do like you say and – and I’ll wait until I meet him to understand. If… if it’s really a person,” I added, frowning. I had automatically assumed that what they were talking about was a person, but now that I thought about it, I realized that they hadn’t even been that precise. For all I knew, the librarian could be a code name for a place, a computer, or something completely different that I would never even consider.

“It’s a person,” Émilie said, looking a little surprised. “But that’s the only thing that I can tell you, and you can never tell anyone.”

“Right. So I’ll wait, and I’ll try not to think too much about what could have led to a nickname like this. Because it seemed like it would have something to do with a library or something of that sort, and I know for a fact that it can’t be that,” I murmured, thinking aloud, “because libraries don’t exist anymore, if they ever really existed.” I looked at Émilie, realizing that I had been having a monologue and that my thoughts might have sounded a little strange, not to say insane. I smiled lightly. “Damn you people, and all your mysteries,” I said, “you’re making me sound like I’m losing my head. Don’t worry, though. I promise I’m not going to mention that librarian again, and I won’t try to discover where the nickname comes from. Even though I’m more curious than before now, because it can’t really have something to do with a library, can it?”

“Well… sort of,” Émilie said distractedly, before her hand flew to her mouth and her eyes narrowed as she frowned. “Fuck! I said nothing,” she said quickly. “I said nothing.”

Part of me wanted to laugh at that remark but I simply smiled. “I won’t tell anyone. Promise.”

“You better not…” Émilie said, but her threatening glance wasn’t very convincing, and after a moment she just laughed out loud. “I’ve gotta go,” she said eventually. “I said to Carmen that I would keep an eye on her kids today so that she can rest a little before we depart, and I’m already running late.” She sighed softly, running a hand in her wild, dark curls. “And I must make sure that Dan’s ready to leave,” she added. “He’s not very enthusiastic at the thought of the journey that lies ahead of us, as you might have picked up from his tone the other night.” She smiled briefly, and turned to leave, but before she was out of sight, she turned round to look at me again.

“What?” I asked, wondering what was going on. “Is anything wrong?”

She shook her head. “Oh, no, nothing wrong. I just wanted to say that I’m glad you decided to stay, ‘is all.” She shot me a quick smile, and turned round again, this time not stopping.

“I’m happy too,” I murmured to myself. “I’m happy.”

It hadn’t been an easy decision to make, but I did not regret it. For now, everything was going well, and I felt absolutely certain that staying here had been the best thing to do.

After Émilie had gone, I walked through the camp for a moment. Everyone – with the exception of one or two people – was getting ready to leave first thing tomorrow morning, and they all seemed very busy. I had no idea where Rufus had wandered off. There were always moments – though now less than before – when he seemed to be nowhere to be found. I’d never asked where he went, but I imagined that like me, he had moments when he craved for a bit of solitude. In those moments, I always imagined that he found somewhere high, or something to climb upon, and that he contemplated the world from above as he thought about whatever w as on his mind. Today was one of those days during which Rufus disappeared for an hour or two.

I didn’t really mind. His absence had given me the opportunity to spend time with Émilie, something that happened less than before as he and I grew closer. And I knew, also, that I would see him in the caravan as soon as night would fall.

I walked round the circus, pondering on what Émilie had let slip about the librarian, and about the secrets that surrounded almost everything in the circus. First there had been that thing about the plays. I hadn’t even suspected anything. Oh, I had had some doubts, in the beginning, but they had all been so kind that I quickly cast those aside. So learning that this wasn’t only a circus did come as a surprise. And now there was that new secret. It made me wonder how much about the circus and its people I still had to discover.

My footsteps led me to Merry’s caravan. It had been a few days since I had last had a conversation with her, and I suddenly wondered how she was doing I hadn’t even talked to her after I had learned about the plays. There had been an outbreak of flu in the camp, and I suspected that she had been rather busy.

I knocked on the door, hoping that she was there, and hoping that she would have time to spend with me. Usually, I didn’t mind being alone, but today, I didn’t know why, I needed some company.

Merry opened the door almost immediately. When she saw me, a bright smiled appeared on her face. “Aimée,” she said warmly; opening the door to allow me inside. “I was wondering when I would see you. Come in.”

“If I’m not disturbing you…” I said cautiously.

“Disturbing me?” Merry said, shaking her head as if I had said something foolish. “Oh, no. I’ve just set the water up to make myself some tea. Come inside, we’ll be more comfortable.”

She didn’t have to tell me twice. I got in and sat down as I watched her preparing two cups of tea. So much had happened since that first time, not so long ago, when she had offered me tea after Rufus had brought me to the circus.

“I’ve meant to come and see you earlier,” I said guiltily, “but with everything, I haven’t found the time.”

Merry shook her head, a warm smile still on her lips as she handed me one of the cups. “No need to apologize,” she said, “you had other things on your mind. Quite understandable.”

“Thank you,” I murmured, accepting the tea. “But I should’ve come earlier, really. I’ve missed you.”

“You are a lovely child, Aimée, but I perfectly understand that you want to spend time with your friends. Now, tell me, how are things with Rufus?”

It was a secret for no one in the circus that Rufus had moved back into the caravan. It was impossible to keep things to yourself in a community like this one. And there had been a few talks about it, although they were probably making more out of it than there actually was.

“We’re adjusting fine,” I replied quietly. I wasn’t going to lie about it. The cohabitation had required some adjustment. Especially on my behalf. I had grown so used to living alone that I found it strange that I now had to share a tiny space with someone else. For Rufus also, it seemed that living together had needed some adjustment. He always seemed extremely careful, like he did not really know how far he could go without disturbing me. The first few days had been, needless to say, extremely awkward. We were both constantly on our guards, dreading that moment when we would cross that invisible line and annoy the other, or intrude on his privacy. It had been uncomfortable. The first two days had been uncomfortable, I wouldn’t lie about that. I didn’t know how far I could take things, I was constantly watching what I was doing. And I knew that it was exactly the same for Rufus. We weren’t as much at ease with each other as we had been before.

But with time, things had started to fall together, we’d found some sort of rhythm in that new life; and all the little awkward moments had finally disappeared. To my great relief. We still knew so little about each other that each day was the source of a new discovery. But we were comfortable around each other again, and I was confident. Everything would be fine. I didn’t see how it could be otherwise.

Even the little habits that Rufus had and that no one knew about made me like him more, because they broke that image of a serious, impassible person that he gave to the world. He was more than that, and now I had the chance to discover things about him every day. Things that no one else knew.

“Adjusting, huh,” Merry said with an amused smile that made me wonder what I had said that was so funny, or what she could have understood of what I had meant to say. “If that’s how you call it…”

I looked at her, not sure where the amused smile on her face came from. “Well,” I said hesitantly, “I wasn’t really used to the company before I came here. I’ve spent the best part of the last six years entirely alone. It takes time getting used to living with someone, even someone as nice as Rufus…”

Merry nodded. “Yes,” she said quietly. She flashed me smile. “I sometimes forget that you haven’t always been with us. You are part of the family now, and I’ve got the feeling that you’ve been here forever.”

“I have a question,” I asked, looking up at her.

“Yes?”

“It’s about the people, the circus…” I was a little hesitant. “I wondered, you all seem to have no secrets for each other…”

Merry shook her head. “Oh, we do have secrets. It’s just that secrets never manage to stay secrets for long in this environment. As you may have noticed…”

I nodded and continued. “I wondered if everyone who came here stayed. I mean, do people leave, sometimes?”

“Oh, people often come and join us for a brief period, as you’ll soon discover. Then they leave, because they were not ready to stay, or because they were just there because they needed our help, a bit like you, in the beginning.”

“And all those people, those who don’t stay, do they learn about the plays?”

Merry smiled frankly. “Oh, no, they don’t. We don’t tell everyone. Just those of whom we are sure that they won’t run off the next morning.”

I mused on her words for a moment. “And for me, then?” I asked, “where you sire that I wasn’t going to leave?”

“It was what we thought,” Merry replied, “and it seemed that we were right, too.”

“And when did you know?”

Merry’s eyes twinkled as they rested on my face. “Oh, I knew from the first evening that you weren’t going to leave us that early, Aimée. It took a little longer to convince everyone else, of course.”

“Everyone else?”

“Rufus. Félix. And then yourself. You were so set on leaving.”

I nodded, remembering how determined I had been, and wondering where this determination had gone. It seemed to have vanished and I wasn’t even sure how that had happened. “I didn’t want to be any trouble,” I said simply.

“If you were trouble, we wouldn’t have welcomed you,” Merry replied graciously. “Believe me, Aimée, you were always welcome, but you alone could decide to stay or leave.”

“Félix didn’t really welcome me with open arms.”

Merry laughed loudly. “Ah! Félix is an idiot.” She winked. “Don’t tell him I said that. He doesn’t like when his environment changes.”

“That’s a strange thing to say about someone who lives in a travelling circus,” I remarked.

Merry smiled. “Félix likes when there are some things around him that remain the same,” she explained, “ quite natural, after all that he’s gone through.”

I was immediately curious about what it was that Félix had gone through, but I sensed that it wasn’t my place to ask, and that even if I asked, Merry would have said that it wasn’t her place to tell me. I knew that some other explanation was coming, so I took a sip of tea, and I patiently waited for more.

“Félix may have a difficult personality,” Merry continued, “but that man is far from stupid, believe me.” All her affection for Félix was audible in her voice, and she smiled as she continued, “he too could see that you didn’t really plan on staying. He wasn’t really bothered at first, I’ll admit that. You’ve been with us long enough now to understand that it isn’t always easy to find the money to feed all these mouths. The shows barely suffice. So Félix wouldn’t have been sad to see you leave. He came round eventually, as he saw Rufus’ interest for you grow, and as he understood that despite you desire to leave, you weren’t really going to do so. He’ll never say, but I think he likes you, now.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” I muttered, reminiscing of the day that Rufus had asked him the authorization to tell me about the plays. “He’s very attached to Rufus, though. How come they fight so much?” Since I had arrived, all those days ago, I had witnessed several arguments between Rufus and Félix, each one so violent that it made me shiver inwardly. I could hardly recognize my Rufus at moments like those. There was so much rage in him.

“It’s the way their relationship is,” Merry said philosophically. “Despite everything, they have a relationship that is very much like that of a father and a son. Except that Félix is not Rufus’s father, and that Rufus is not Félix’s son.” Merry paused, and her eyes flickered to me. “Did Rufus tell you a little about his family?”

I nodded. Rufus had told me a little about the farm where he had grown up, and about his parents and his brother.

“Félix is a little like a father to Rufus,” Merry continued, “but he’s not his real father. Rufus ran away from his family, he abandoned them to their fate when it became too hard for him to bear. It’s only me interpretation, but I think that there is a lot of guilt there. And he redirects it towards Félix when Félix sends him back that image of a father.”

I nodded again, quietly. There was some sense there.

“As for Félix,” Merry added, “he’s acting way too strictly towards Rufus. But he lost a son before. He’s afraid he won’t be able to protect us. So he acts over-protectively in the hope that he will protect us from harm.”

“Félix did tell me that he saw Rufus as a son.”

“Yes. He does. Rufus joined us about ten years ago, you know. We saw him grow up. Of course Félix sees him like a son.”

“And he stayed with you all this time,” I whispered, wondering how it would feel like to stay with them for so long.

“With one exception,” said Merry.

“One exception?” I asked. Rufus hadn’t talked about that.

“Yes,” Merry said, not noticing my curiosity, or politely pretending that she hadn’t noticed. “When Rufus was eighteen, he and Félix had a terrible row – worse than anything you might have seen so far. And Rufus left. He was gone for three weeks, and then he came back. He didn’t tell us where he had gone, and we didn’t ask. But he never left again.”

I was thoughtful. Rufus had never mentioned that episode, and I wondered whether there was a reason. I wasn’t sure what to make of that.

Merry seemed to notice my trouble. “A little more tea, Aimée?” she asked, and I realized that the cup that I had been lifting to my lips was empty.

“No, thanks.” I looked at the window for a moment, but I didn’t really pay attention to what was outside. “Merry?” I said again after a moment.

“Yes, Aimée.”

“Thank you for taking care of me.”

She smiled. “You don’t have to thank me. It’s always a pleasure having you around. If you ever need anything, I’m here, you know.”

“I know.”

“Is there anything more you want to talk about?”

I shook my head. “No, no. I should go, soon,” I muttered, almost regretfully. There were dozens of things that I would have liked to talk about, but it would have to wait. “I’m supposed to help with the food tonight, and it’s going to get dark soon.”

Merry nodded and stood up. “Off you go then,” she said lightly, “I don’t want to keep you from your duties.”

“Thanks again for the tea. And for the talk.”

“You can come and see me anytime. And, before I forget, you know that I make all sorts of remedies out of the plants that Émilie gives me, and that what I can’t make, I buy in large supplies in the towns that we travel through. Everything is stored here, but it’s for all to use.”

“Yes, that’s what I understood,” I said, opening the door. I wasn’t sure where she was going with this.

“Just checking,” said Merry, “so if there’s anything that can be of use to you. Or Rufus. Or both of you. Just ask.”

I thanked her with a smile and thanked her again. When I finally left her, it was time for me to join Raymond, with whom I was on duty that evening. He welcomed me with a smile and a joke, and indicated me what I was supposed to do. He was much more skilled than I was, when it came to cooking, even if saying that wasn’t doing him justice. Raymond was always of such an agreeable company that time passed quickly. Before I had time to realize it, food was ready and we were all sitting around the fire.

People mostly talked about the journey that awaited us. According to everyone, it was one of the quietest. There were no stops in towns to set up shows, and it gave everyone the opportunity to rest. The journey consisted of several days of travels followed by two days of rest designed to not exhaust the horses. That perspective put everyone in a good mood.

The only exception to the general good mood seemed to be Daniel. I was going to ask him if there was anything wrong, but as the night went on, I completely forgot about it, and when I remembered about it, he had already left.

“Do you want to stay longer?” Rufus asked, when half the people had already left.

I had barely seen him today, but whatever he had been doing, he seemed tired. And I was tired too. The day had been long, and tomorrow we would resume our journey and have to sit for hours. Something that I did not really look forward too.

“Not really,” I muttered. “In fact, I was seriously considering calling it a day, if it’s alright with you.”

Rufus nodded a yes, and without further words, we got up, leaving the few remaining people near the dying campfire. The nights were getting colder, and I shivered as I entered the caravan. Winter wasn’t even upon us yet, but I already found the temperatures too cold. What would we do, when it would start to freeze? Winters had always been one of my main concerns. Once the temperatures dropped below freezing point and that snow stared to fall, it increased the difficulty to survive. I’d never asked how the circus coped with that, since winter had always seemed so far away. But now it was literally on our doorstep. I turned to ask Rufus that question, but he didn’t really seem in a talking mood. He looked even more tired than I had thought.

“I’ll take a quick shower,” he informed me, repressing a yawn. “There’s dust sticking to every inch of my skin.”

When he was gone, I snuggled into a corner, on the bed, tightly wrapped in a blanket. Showers and food and such were all sorts of domestic details that I hadn’t even thought we would have to worry about, until I had discovered that it was a necessity to organize things. We had a list now, of things to do and times to do them. Before that, we were constantly bumping into each other and running out of things. Now it seemed to me, sometimes, that we had lived like this for ages. And I could definitely see things going on like this for longer. I smiled at the thought. Yes, I could definitely see a future there. It was good, and scary at the same time. Absolutely scary. I never used to think about the future. It was too abstract. Too far away. I could never think further than tomorrow. And now I was forming plans, not for tomorrow, but for next month, next week, next year. And I was afraid, because what if it all crumbled down and my plans never came true?

“You cold?” Rufus’ voice resounded suddenly in the caravan, stopping my train of thoughts there.

There was surprise in his eyes. I let out a short chuckle at his question. “You don’t think it’s getting cold, now?” I asked in return, raising my eyebrows when he just shrugged.

“No, not really,” he eventually replied, sitting down next to me.

I wanted to snuggle next to him and fall asleep like that, but there were still some barriers between us. We were acting a little too carefully, and slowly pushing back boundaries that should have been torn down. The reason was simple, though. All of this seemed so fragile, because the world around us was a hostile one. The world outside the circus, I mean. Rushing might mean destroying everything, and I wasn’t ready to risk it.

“You are a fool,” I said, and the tenderness that could be heard in my own voice surprised me. I extended a hand to touch his hair that was still wet from the shower he’d just gotten out. “You’ll catch your death, like this,” I added disapprovingly.

Rufus laughed – that clear and frank laugh that I liked so much – and passed one arm around my shoulders.

“I feel perfectly fine,” he reassured me, “and I’m not about to die anytime soon.”

“Hmm,” I grumbled, finally letting myself go and resting me head on his shoulder. “If you say so. But know one thing. If you get ill, you’ll have to deal with it yourself. I’m not going to nurse you.”

“Aren’t you?” Rufus said quietly, his lips brushing against my head, and his tone making it quite clear that he did not believe me.

“No,” I groaned, closing my eyes and drifting asleep.

Rufus’ voice sounded far away as I was finally falling asleep. “Well if you were ill, I would take care of you.”

“Of course, you would,” I murmured.