Fading, Like the Stars

There were towers, higher than anything I had seen before. There were towers of fifty, eighty, a hundred floors, all made of steel and glass. The sunrays colored them in white and yellow, and the blue of the glass was reflected in the windows. There was a forest of buildings, of bricks and concrete. There were roads and highways and bridges. There were trees and gardens on rooftops and balconies, because there was no place left on the ground. It was new. It was shiny. It was impressive. Spectacular. And it was terrifying. It was chaotic. The city had grown anarchically. There was no order, no logic in that entanglement of buildings. And the people… oh dear. There were so many of them. And so much noise, too. Even from afar I could already hear the noises of the people and the machines. I had never seen so many people concentrated in one single place. We were not even there yet – ten, twenty minutes till we reached it – but the city already seemed to envelop us completely.

“What do you think?” Rufus asked to my ear. Our argument had ended as quickly as Daniel had predicted. The reasons for it had not been mentioned since. “What do you think of it?” Rufus asked again.

It would have been a waste of time to hide the shiver that ran through my body. “I-I,” I stuttered with some difficulty, “I don’t like it all that much.”

It was an understatement. I didn’t like it at all. There was something about this chaotic environment that inspired me very little trust. Not to mention the military patrols.

We were contemplating the city from the top of one of the hills that surrounded it. We had approached the city from the east, seeing it long before we reached it. It grew and it grew in the distance as we approached on a large and busy road that weaved its way between small woods and large fields. The intensity of the traffic made it so that it took us an hour to reach the gate – instead of the ten minutes that I had predicted – and that despite the relatively short distance. And during that time, we had already come across not one, but tow patrols. Everything went well – apparently Félix possessed all the necessary authorizations. But it didn’t really leave me reassured. The less I saw the soldiers, the better I felt.

“Really?” Rufus said as we arrived at the gate. “You don’t like it?”

“No, not really.”

“Because you are scared.” He shook his head, a little disapprovingly. He had told me, repetitively, that there was nothing to fear, that this place was no different from the other towns that we had visited.

I refused to believe him.

“No,” I replied quietly, “because it’s monstrous, and I don’t understand how people can live here.”

But Rufus was looking at the rooftops with amazement. He was so attracted to the sky, the roofs, the highest point that he could find, that this had to be heaven to him.

The circus didn’t go to the center of the city, something that I was, inwardly, thankful for. The center was safely guarded by soldiers, and even if I had done nothing wrong, fearing them was a habit that I had grown too used to, to abandon it that easily. We stopped at the outskirts, on a large waste ground that was reserved for ‘people like us’. I had stared at Rufus for a moment when he had said that. I did not understand what it meant.

“Travelers,” he then explained.

For the time being, the waste ground was deserted, save for us. I wondered if it was ever occupied by other people. How many travelers where there? Not much, I imagined. Life was already difficult as it was. But we were not allowed in the city with the caravans. And honestly, I would have sighed in relief, had I not known Rufus well enough to guess what was coming.

And it came, just as I thought, the moment we stopped the caravan. “We should go for a tour of the city,” said Rufus. With the brightest of smiles, of course. “As soon as we’re settled.”

“Yes,” I answered unenthusiastically, thinking to myself that there would always be an excuse to not go.

“Aimée,” Rufus said very seriously, “there are some things in life that you just have to see, and this city…”

I was, once again, far from convinced. But I couldn’t say no to him so easily. So I just kept quiet and hoped, against all odds, that by the time we were settled, he would have forgotten about it.

The installation didn’t take long. Everyone else was so used to travelling together this way that they immediately knew what to do, and how not to waste too much time. It did not even take two hours to set camp.

I looked around, and saw that everyone seemed to be rather pleased that we had arrived near the city. It was understandable, I guessed, even though I personally did not really understand it, and was certainly far from sharing their enthusiasm. They’d spent days on the road with as sole company and distraction that which could be provided by other members of the circus. It was still new and exciting to me, but to them it was something that was repeated day after day, and for some it had been going on for years. It could indeed start to get boring after a while, and it was understandable, then, that they would crave for something more, sometimes. For the distractions that huge city like this one wouldn’t fail to provide, for the company of new people.

And, in fact, I could hear them make plans. They would go to this or that place, see if that hadn’t changed. They were counting their money. Did they have enough to buy a new set of clothes? Or maybe a new pair of shoes?

Soon, Félix showed up, and the noise of all these planning, of all this excitement, slowly diminished. The words that he said then held the same message than those which were spoken in the other towns but it seemed to me that they contained, this time, a little more urgency. Maybe there was someone else, after all, whom, like me, thought that this city wasn’t as safe as it seemed to be. Félix’s message was, in short: ‘be careful and don’t look for trouble – something he said everywhere – and remember that a good reputation is hard to acquire but very easy to lose. Every action will have its consequences on the circus, and if we want to ensure that we are still welcome next year, we have to maintain our reputation stainless.’ His words were received with the usual patience but lack of enthusiasm. Everyone had heard this hundreds of times before, and found it rather unfair. Had they ever before showed any sign that they weren’t going to act properly? No they hadn’t. But yet, they listened to Félix, nodded in agreement, and then signed in relief when he eventually walked away, leaving them to do what it was that they really wanted to do.

“So, what are we waiting for? We practically have an entire afternoon that lies ahead of us. There’s nothing to do, and we have a huge city to explore,” said Émilie. I hadn’t noticed that she was there, and I was rather surprised when I heard her voice and turned to see that she was standing to my left.

“Oh, hello,” I muttered. My lack of enthusiasm didn’t seem to diminish hers.

“We’re going to head over to have a good look around, right?” she said again. “I bet a lot has changed since last year?” She looked directly at me as she added: “They keep changing things here. It’s different from year to year. And you can really get an idea of the old ways of life, in some places,” she whispered.

I was ready to tell her that I preferred to stay at the camp, if that was no problem, but Rufus beat me to it.

“Aimée’s not really curious about the city,” he said.

Perhaps it was just my impression, but I thought that Émilie’s eyes narrowed. “You’re kidding me, right?”

I began to see how different my behavior was, compared to that of everyone else, and I started to feel a little awkward about it. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been that straightforward about it. There certainly were other, more sneaky ways to avoid exploring that city.

“It’s not that,” I protested weakly, “it’s just that I prefer to wait and see what happens, first. Besides, not everyone can go at the same time, someone has to stay at the camp.”

Rufus smiled fondly. “She’s afraid of them soldiers,” he said in the tone of someone who is telling a secret.

I sighed, defeated. “You may say what you want,” I said, pointing at his chest,” but I have travelled at least as much as you two, and I have seen some things that weren’t pretty at all. So you won’t convince me that I can feel safe whenever these guys are around.”

This put a damper on the situation. My words brought an uncomfortable silence upon us, and for a moment no one spoke. Then Émilie said, forcing herself to adopt a joyous tone: “Still. We’re gonna go, aren’t we? Because you can’t miss that, Aimée, you can’t.” She exchanged a look with Rufus. Both their eyes were twinkling.

“ ‘Course we’re going to go,” Rufus replied, implying that I had very little choice.

“What about Daniel?” I asked.

Émilie shook her head. “He stays here,” she said simply. She looked at me for a moment. “Though not by choice,” she added. “He just can’t go.”

“Then maybe I should stay to keep him company,” I tried.

“Oh, no,” Rufus protested. “Daniel has got enough company and, trust me, perhaps even more than he wants at the moment.”

I couldn’t oppose any more protestation so, with Émilie and Rufus on each side of me – they were guarding me as if they were afraid that I would run away – I left the camp, reluctantly.

Getting to the center of the city took more time than I had anticipated. There were entire boroughs to cross first – with thin and derelict buildings glued together, such an unstable balance that it seemed that, if you were to destroy one, the whole lot would crumble. There was no one in sight. I wondered whether the entire neighborhood had been deserted. It could be possible, seeing the state of it. But Rufus quickly told me I was wrong.

“They’re off to work,” he explained. “These are the workers’ houses.”

“Where do they work?” I asked, because I could see no factories and shops or anything.

“Outside,” Émilie said. “Each morning they are shipped off to the country, to work in the farm or in the mines. It’s the farm workers and the miners that live here. Factory workers and others live more inside of town.”

“Oh. Yes.” To be completely honest about it, I had never been bothered to know where all these people lived. “So there is no one here for the moment?”

“Absolutely no one,” Émilie replied. “I know it looks a bit derelict and creepy like this, but wait until they are all back. It’s all different then, very much alive, much lighter and nice.”

I couldn’t help thinking that there was something depressing about that, about the fact that this entire place was completely deserted. And we crossed more places like this, completely empty. Then, we eventually reached the heart of the city.

The contrast was shocking. That was the first impression that I got. Shock. To come from those deserted places, those poor places, gray and sad places, and arrive here… It was – it was like two different worlds. Suddenly there seemed to be more light around us. Suddenly, there were people everywhere. It was like on the road. They were everywhere, and they were making so much noise. That was the part of the city that we had seen when we had arrived. The part with the steel and glass buildings, the part that seemed so modern and alive, especially compared to the place that we had left.

I thought that this was it. This was the city that I had imagined it was. This was what we could see from afar. We’d passed the empty neighborhoods and had arrived into the part of the city that was bustling with life, with people hurrying around, to work or home, with patrols that you had to hide from. Oh, yes, this was exactly like all the other towns that I had travelled through, only that it was ten times bigger. But it wasn’t all. We continued to walk. Going deeper into the city. And I got the impression that we were going to see something yet different, when we found ourselves taking detours and hiding from the guards that seemed to have appeared at every crossroad. And the fact that it was so guarded did not make me confident about it. And then, there was a wall. There was a wall inside the city, surrounding the heart of it. And the only accesses were gates that were guarded. I would have gladly turned round and walked away. I had seen enough to see that this was only a bigger version of the world that I disliked so much. And I could not see how we could get pass that wall. But Rufus and Émilie seemed to know a way. And when we finally crossed that wall, we were once again in a completely different environment.

I was startled for a moment. Not because I wasn’t used to cities with people bustling around, even though it had been a while since I had found myself in one, now that I travelled with the circus. I was startled because I hadn’t expected it to be so much… I don’t know, but for a moment I felt like it was just too much and I couldn’t stay there much longer. All these people, it made me feel like they were going to smother me. Then the sensation passed, and old reflexes kicked back in. I observed things differently. Like I had done before. Like I’d forgotten to do since the circus. I scanned the place for potential dangers, trying to remember the layout perfectly, in case it proved to be useful later.

It took half a second before I realized that there was something wrong. Something wasn’t quite right. Something about the way the people behaved. I wasn’t quite sure what.

I thought about all the other towns and cities that I had crossed before. Was it because I wasn’t that used to it anymore, or was there really something different here? I’d always seen lots of people rushing down the streets, going to work or going back home, rushing, pushing people in their way, … I was used to that. People not caring about everyone else, hurrying to get out of the street, feeling threatened, I was used to that sight, unfortunately.

It was – it was that that was wrong. The people here, they weren’t rushing or anything. They were… whatever they were, they were not rushing. They were not in hurry, and they didn’t really look worried. They were – they were… strolling. They were strolling down the streets. Shopping. And not because they had no other choice, because the cupboards were empty, not in a hurry to get back home.

I observed the same thing everywhere that we went. The same look on their faces. Oh, of course, they still weren’t really aware of their surroundings, not really caring about anyone around. But they weren’t scared. They weren’t afraid. They didn’t get arrested in the middle of the street. They were wealthy, perhaps not incredibly wealthy, they certainly didn’t own fortunes, but still, they didn’t know what it was like to wake up in the morning, hungry.

That was something that I hadn’t observed anywhere else.

I returned from the city not knowing what to think about what I had seen. It was not what I had expected. I could hardly understand that this had actually happened, that I’d witnessed it. How could things be different for people here, than for people everywhere else.

Émilie and Rufus, of course, seemed delighted. They looked like they’d had the time of their lives there. It was very easy for them to blend in. Me… not so much. If I had been alone, I would have been spotted as being an outsider within seconds. I don’t know what would’ve happened, if that had been the case. Trouble, probably. Somebody would have seen that I didn’t fit in, and then… well, I guess I would have been in for some serious bit of trouble. Who knows, might even have lead to them arresting me. Luckily, I was with Émilie and Rufus, and they acted normal enough. I don’t know if it had something to do with all the acting that they had witnessed or been involved in, but not for one second did they seem to find it strange that no one around us actually seemed scared. They acted as if it was perfectly normal. No one looked at them twice. It seemed like they had always lived that kind of life. They strolled around and went into shops, and even greeted soldiers who walked passed them. And all the time, I was scared as hell, but they just kept that smile on their faces and acted as if it was perfectly normal to be there.

If I hadn’t been that scared and nervous, perhaps I would have been able to enjoy myself too, but I was. And I was also too puzzled by what I witnessed to think about hiding how out of place I was feeling. Émilie’s words made sense, suddenly. “You can really get an idea of the old ways of life, in some places,” she had said. And she was right. I supposed cities would have looked like that, before. Before everyone had to work or… work, since this was what people lived for, now. So, yes, it might have looked like the heart of the city, before.

Except that it wasn’t right now. It wasn’t right that this life was reserved for a few people, that weren’t us. It wasn’t right, that some had earned the right to live an easier life, just because they were born in the right place. It wasn’t right, and for the first time, I thought that it actually had to change. That someone had to make it change.