Fading, Like the Stars

“Something is bothering you…” Rufus said quietly. It wasn’t a question, and I didn’t mistake it as such. It was an invitation to talk about what I was thinking.

I was sitting on the steps in front of the caravan, gazing at the sky. I looked down at him and found that his piercing eyes were fixed on me. On his face, there was a strange look, half curious and half puzzled.

“Not bothering me,” I answered. “Just… There are just some things that make me… you know… think. Wonder.”

“Wonder what?”

There was a gust of wind, and suddenly everything got colder. The campfires that I saw burning in the distance were suddenly very inviting. But not tonight. Tonight I wasn’t so keen on the company. I was – I wanted some quiet. The noises would burden me, and my head was already full enough. I didn’t need to hear other people’s thoughts. I had enough with mine for the moment.

“What’s wrong?” Rufus insisted. Gently, but he insisted nonetheless. “Have I done something wrong?”

I smiled. Only he would have been worried that he had done something wrong like that. “What makes you think?” I said, adopting a more joyous tone. “Why would you have done something wrong?”

“It’s just that – you’ve been so quiet since we’ve come back. I was thinking that, maybe, it was something that I might have done or said that made you like that.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “Like I said, I’s just thinking. I was wondering… Rufus, do you ever wonder whether there’s a meaning to things? I mean, the things that surround us. Do you never ask yourself if it couldn’t just all – I don’t know – why it happens?”

Rufus sighed and sat down next to me. “Oh. So we’re there, then… philosophical questions…”

“Nothing of that importance,” I said. “I’m just wondering where my place is. It’s… I’m starting to see things differently now, and I’m just wondering. Did the world change, or did I change?”

Rufus chuckled. “’s what I said. Philosophical questions.”

“No, I’m serious,” I whispered. “Did you ever wonder if you were doing the right thing, if this was your place…”

“Oh, you know me, I don’t question things. I just exist and that’s it.”

“Well that’s something that you won’t make me believe. You opened my eyes on all this. On the world…”

“It was never my intention.”

“Liar. You showed me that there was more to life than running away. And without you I would never have learned that there are people in this place that actually deserve trust.”

Rufus shook his head slowly. “Don’t give me more credit than I deserve. I think you’ve known all along. You just forgot for a little while.”

“Now who’s giving the other more credit than deserved?”

Rufus laughed and threw his head backwards, looking at the sky for a moment. We could not see the stars here. Since the circus, I’d gotten the habit of looking at them. I’d never really noticed them before – because I neither cared nor had the time. But now I looked at them almost every evening, experiencing that fascination that generations had experienced before me. It was infinity, there above. It was so much bigger than I was. Put things into perspective a little. But here I couldn’t see any. There was too much light around.

“I like this,” Rufus said when he stopped laughing. “Complimenting each other, it’s nice.”

He made me smile. With one little sentence, he’d just wiped away all the thoughts that plagued my head. He’d also redirected the conversation towards safer grounds, far from the philosophical questions, like he called them.

“Well, that’s enough compliments for today then,” I said, amused, “or your ego will be so inflated that…”

“Sshh, you’re spoiling it…”

I shook my head and rolled my eyes, looking back at the sky. No matter how much he tried to distract me, Rufus could not keep my thoughts away from the way things were. Today had opened my eyes a little more on the unfairness of the world. I’d assumed that things were that way, because they were that way. But, a little more every day, I was starting to understand that they were that way, because people had made them that way. And that didn’t sit too well with me anymore.

“They’ve even managed to take the stars away from us,” I muttered, looking at the empty sky. “We don’t even have the right to dream anymore. We don’t even have the right dream.”

“It’s because there’s too much light,” Rufus said, “and clouds.”

“I know that. But still… you know what I mean. We don’t have forever. People like you and I. We’re dead people walking. It’s only a matter of time. They’ll get to us, in the end. This - ” I looked around, at the caravans and the campfire, at the people in the distance, enjoying their lives, “all of this, it won’t last long. Too good to last. Sooner or later, they’ll put an end to this too. How long before they decide that we can’t keep living that way, that circuses are a type of distraction that can’t be allowed either.”

Rufus took one of my hands in his and pressed it. “Don’t go there,” he said darkly. “Don’t. If you start thinking like this, you won’t be living anymore. It’ll paralyze you.”

“But it’ll happen. And what would you do? Could you go back to a life like theirs? After having had this?”

“You’re thinking about it the wrong way,” he said quietly. “There’s more good in the world than you think there is. Things will get better.”

“I’m not that confident. I know…” I shook my head several times. “I know that you believe that things will change, but I’m not that confident.”

“Because you haven’t seen what I have seen. People are more than just sheep, they’re more than just followers…”

“I think you’re wrong. People are selfish. That’s our true nature. We’re selfish, and we think about ourselves before others,” I said, cutting him off before he could say more. I knew he was going to try and convince me that there was hope and all these things. But it wouldn’t work. When I thought about the future, I was afraid. And I was afraid because now I had something to lose. And I would do anything not to lose it.

“And does that definition apply to you and me too?” Rufus asked in a whisper. “Do you count us as selfish too?”

I didn’t have to think about the answer. It came out immediately. “You’re not. You’re the exception. But me, yes, I am…” I intertwined our fingers and lifted his hand to my lips to place a kiss on it. “I’m definitely selfish, and as long as I can get this, as I can get what I want, I’ll continue to be.”

“Enough with these dark thoughts,” Rufus said, a little hoarsely. “Everyone’s out there eating. We should join them.”

“I’m not hungry,” I said quietly.

He silently looked at me for a moment. “Me neither…”

“Good.”

There was a short moment during which we didn’t say anything. We just looked at each other. Then Rufus stood up, took my hand, led me up the stairs, and then closed the door behind us. Taking my hands in his, he pulled me closer.

“I’m glad we met,” he said softly. “I’m glad I decided to go out that day, and found you.”

“Yes,” I said, slipping my hands out of his, and taking his face in my hands. “I’m happy too.” The tension inside my own body was growing quickly, and when he closed his arms around me, I almost shivered. “Rufus,” I whispered. I didn’t know how I could possibly express what I felt, and more than welcomed his lips that saved me from saying something stupid. The time that passed and the things that surrounded us seemed to lose all sort of importance.

For a moment, just kissing him was enough to appease the fire that was burning inside me, but when he kissed my neck, causing a whimper to escape my lips, it was obvious that it wouldn’t it be enough. I clumsily fumbled with the t-shirt he was wearing, confusedly trying to get it off. The wait was insufferable, and my body ached. The damn thing didn’t want to come off, my hands refusing to cooperate. Rufus pulled my hands away. Apparently, the situation was frustrating him as much as me. He quickly pulled the shirt over his head, and tossed it somewhere behind him.

And then the most awful thought crossed my mind. “What would I do if I lost you?” I whispered, suddenly feeling distressed. I didn’t even know why I was saying this. I was going to spoil everything. But now that the thought had appeared, I didn’t know how to stop thinking about it. I looked up at his face, trying to figure out how I would possibly be able to…

“Why are you saying this?” Rufus asked. His face clearly showed that he didn’t know how to react now.

“I… I don’t know.” I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, embarrassed. “I don’t know why I’m saying this. But what if it happens, what if something happens…”

Rufus cupped my face in his hands and looked at me for a moment. “Where am I?” he eventually asked.

I stared at him, not understanding what he was trying to say. “What?”

“Where am I right now?”

“You’re here,” I replied hesitantly, not sure if that was what he wanted me to say.

“Exactly. I’m here, now. And nothing bad is happening. What does it matter what might or might not happen in the future?”

I nodded slowly. “You’re right. Sorry. I freaked out.”

“But we’re good now?”

“We’re good.” I leaned forward to kiss him again, when there was a knock on the door. I frowned. What the hell…?

Rufus placed a finger on his lips, silently telling me to stay quiet. Whoever was knocking was going to think that there was no one and just walk away. The knocking on the door persisted, and I grew annoyed. Rufus didn’t seem bothered. He softly kissed my neck, as if he didn’t even hear the knocking, and quietly slipped a hand under the hem of my shirt. I had to press my lips against his naked shoulder to remain silent.

“Rufus…” I whispered. If he kept going on like this, I wasn’t going to be able to remain quiet and pretend that there was no one in.

“Hmm?” His fingers were tracing circles on my skin, and I swear that it felt as if they were leaving a burning trail there. It was like all the muscles in my body had decided to react, suddenly, and if I didn’t press my lips tightly together, we wouldn’t be able to pretend that there was no one in for much longer. I unconsciously dug my fingers in his back. He groaned.

The knocking turned into a loud banging on the door, and I opened my mouth to protest, but Rufus silenced me. “Wait,” he whispered in my ear.

“Rufus!” Félix’s voice resounded loudly outside.

Rufus cast me an alarmed look and I shook my head. We stood frozen for a moment.

“Rufus!” Félix shouted outside, continuing to bang against the door. “I know that you’re there! Get outside immediately. It’s an order, it’s not subject to discussion.”

Rufus pulled away and I sighed.

“I don’t have the time, Félix!” he muttered.

“It’s important. I need to see you. Now!”

“Alright. I’m coming!” Rufus shouted angrily, his eyes scanning the room for his shirt. He hastily passed it on, and posed in front of the door, his hand already on the handle. He took several deep breaths.

“You took your time,” Félix said when Rufus eventually opened his door.

“What do you want?” Rufus asked shortly, glaring at him. I stood behind him, flustered, and trying not to look too embarrassed. Part of me wanted to kill Félix right now.

Félix didn’t even try to make it sound polite. “You need to head to the city, to discuss dates with our friends there,” he ordered.

“NO!”

I had been the one to shout, and they both turned to look at me.

“What?” Félix said coldly.

“Are – are you mad?” I stuttered. “He’s not going to go there in the middle of the night. Are you mad? Do you want him to get killed?”

“Would you rather have him go there in broad day light?” Félix stated, looking at me coldly.

“He’s not going,” I said categorically.

Rufus placed a hand on my shoulder. “It’s alright,” he said. “I won’t be long.” He turned to Félix. “I’ll head out in five minutes,” he said, and then he shut the door in his face.

“Rufus,” I protested once the door was closed.

“I know,” he groaned in frustration. “But it won’t take long. I promise.”

“No, it’s dangerous, you can’t…” I retorted.

“It’s not the first time. I’ll be fine,” he said in a voice that he wanted reassuring, but all I could think about was the fact that he was going to sneak there in the middle of the night, that he would have to walk passed patrols, and that he was going to meet people that I didn’t know and in whom I had absolutely no trust. How could it possibly be fine?

I took the few steps that separated me from him and pressed myself against him, placing one hand on the side of his face. “Rufus. Stay.”

“Aimée,” he groaned. “This is not fair.”

I fumbled with his shirt again. “Will you stay?”

He sighed and gently pushed me towards the bed in the corner. I let him do so. He kissed me once, softly. “I won’t be long,” he said darkly. I tried to protest but in two strides he was at the door. He opened it and turned round. “It’ll be a short wait,” he said. He shook his head. “God knows I don’t want to make it long.”

But he was wrong. It wasn’t a short wait. It was a long one. It was a long wait, and it was a long night. One of the longest, and the darkest, nights of my life.

Because that night, Rufus didn’t come back.