Fading, Like the Stars

There were so many clouds in the sky that it was hard to tell when exactly night had ended, and had given way to morning. I honestly hadn’t the faintest idea. All that I knew, was that since I had last looked outside, the sky had gone from deep blue to dark grey.

I hadn’t slept. Not one second. And I was the perfect embodiment of the word “disheveled” now. I had paced up the room, getting more and more nervous as the time passed. Rufus hadn’t come back and I could see no reason why that would be. Well… yes… I could see one. But I didn’t want to think about it. Yet, he had said he wouldn’t be long, and there was no reason why I wouldn’t have believed him. But it had been hours, and there was still no sign of him.

I wasn’t worried. I had been worried when I had realized that three hours had passed since his departure. Now I was beyond that. I had passed the point of being simply worried. Now anxious didn’t even cover it. My head was running wild with various scenarios. I reacted to every little sound with an exaggerated reaction. When I took the time to think about the state that I was in, it seemed to me that I was very liable to die of a heart attack. The pressure was just too much to endure, and although I knew that I had to do something, warn someone, I could do nothing but sit in the dark – or, for now, in the pale light of dawn – and just wait in vain.

‘He’s going to come back.’ That was what I thought, first. ‘Just two more seconds, and he’ll open that door.’ ‘I’ll go out. If he’s not back in two minutes. I’ll search for him.’ ‘If he’s not back in minutes, I’ll warn someone.’ But I never moved, and it was not until I realized that the clouds were disappearing and that the sun was visible above the horizon that I found the strength to get up. Or, if I want to be more precise about it, that I bolted up.

The air outside was so cold that it felt like a slap in my face. It seemed to make all that had happened more real. And the situation only looked more worrying then. It was so early that, of course, there was no one up yet. I hadn’t thought about that. I hadn’t thought at all. I didn’t know where he’d gone. I couldn’t find him. Who could I turn to then? The answer didn’t come immediately. But after a moment of roaming the deserted camp like a lost soul, it became obvious. There was one, who had to do something, because he was responsible for the entire situation.

I probably hadn’t thought of going to Félix before, because despite the time spent with the circus, I was still scared of him. The reaction he had first had, upon learning that Rufus had brought me here, never left my mind. But I was so anxious that I could get past the fear that Félix inspired me. He knew where Rufus was. He’d sent him away, and he would have to help me get him back. And once that decision had been made, I resolutely headed to Félix’s caravan. I didn’t care if I had to wake him up. I didn’t care if I had to shake him. I held him responsible for the fact that Rufus hadn’t come back. I’d force him to do something.

I knocked once, and almost immediately, he opened his door. The look on his face, the shadows under his eyes and his ruffled clothes, made it clear that Félix hadn’t gotten more sleep than I.

“Where did you send him?” I asked, not in the slightest concerned by the worried look in his eyes. My voice was coming out rougher than I had expected it to, and I sounded more anxious, too. “What happened to him? Where is he?”

Félix sighed, and for a moment, he looked extremely tired and worried. Then that look was gone from his face, and he looked – or tried to look, for there still was that little light in his eyes – tougher. Félix looked about to speak, then he shook his head and sighed again.

“Where is he?” I pressed him again. “Where did you tell him to go?”

Félix sighed again. “You might as well come in,” he said tiredly. “It’s cold outside, and there is no need to be overheard.”

“I don’t want to come in,” I shouted, “I want you to get him back.”

“Come in, it’s an order.”

“I…”

“Get inside. Don’t be difficult.”

I didn’t keep good memories from the last time I had been inside Félix’s caravan. And then, I was accompanied by Rufus. Now I couldn’t even count on his support. This time, Félix didn’t invite me to sit down. I think he didn’t even think about it.

“I had hoped that he had gone straight to you after coming back. That he hadn’t come to tell me how it had gone as an act of defiance,” he said, leaning against the wall for support. “That’s the kind of things that he could sometimes do, Rufus. Less now, but…”

“He hasn’t come to me,” I said. Speaking briefly, using a rather rough tone, kept me from sounding too worried. And if I directed my anger towards Félix and concentrated on that, I forgot that I actually wanted to cry. Seeing that Félix was worried too had nothing to reassure me. In fact, it made me realize how very serious things were. And if I stopped to think, even for one second, about what could actually have happened to Rufus, even I even just sat down for one minute, I wouldn’t have the strength to stand up again.

Félix closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. “That’s what I feared.”

“What are you going to do?” I asked him. “You must find him. Or if you don’t, you have to tell me where you sent him, so I can find him myself.”

Félix looked at me for a long moment. Then something seemed to change in his face. He looked sorry, even though I wasn’t sure what he was sorry for, or whom he was sorry for.

“I have to apologize to you,” he whispered.

“Apologize?” His words caught me by surprise and I momentarily forgot that I thought him responsible for everything that had happened. “Why would you want to apologize for?” I croaked.

“I misjudged you,” Félix said quietly. “I apologize for that. There’s more to you than what I thought.”

“I… it’s not important what you think of me. Just tell me what I can do. Where can I find Rufus? Where did you send him?”

Félix took one of my hands in his and offered me a brief smile. It surprised me hugely that he was acting with such kindness, especially towards me. He shook his head. “I would tell you, if I thought it could be useful in any way. But you could retrace his footsteps, and it wouldn’t be of any help.”

“How can you say that?” I stepped away from him, firmly removing my hand from his comforting grip, and started at him with wild eyes. “You know where he went, you know where to find him.”

“Aimée,” Félix said my name in the hope, I suppose, of calming me down. Something that wasn’t going to happen so easily.

“It’s your fault!” I shouted at him. “You should be out there searching for him. You should be roaming the streets until you know where he went and why it is that there is no sign or no word of him.”

Félix didn’t lose his calm. Apparently, I didn’t have the talent that Rufus had to anger him. “Aimée,” he insisted. “I could go to all the places that I needed him to go, I could follow every road that he took – if I knew which ones he took – and yet I wouldn’t find him.”

“How can you be so sure of that?”

“We must not give in to panic,” Félix said, and yet the look on his face, and in his eyes told me that he wasn’t following his own advice.

“He hasn’t come back!” I shouted.

“For now, all that we know is that he was delayed, and we don’t know the reason.”

“Delayed?” I choked, upset by his choice of words. “And we don’t know the reason? I…” I would have pulled my hair out. And it was practically what I did. I took my head in both hands and shook it violently, before looking back at Félix. I can’t tell what expression was on my face at that moment, but he did take a step back.

“I didn’t want to offend you, but -”

“Delayed…” I continued. “You make it sound like… I don’t know, like something might have held him back and that he could just reappear in ten minutes with a smile on his face.”

“I’m not minimizing it,” Félix said. He looked a bit… nervous, he looked like he didn’t know how to handle me. “But there is nothing that we can do, not until we’re sure. Rufus might just have gotten distracted.”

His words angered me. “Oh, no!” I shouted. “No, he wouldn’t.”

“Aimée, just listen - ”

“He wouldn’t have gotten distracted. You don’t even believe what you’re saying. You’re trying to sound reassuring, but you are wasting your time, you’re losing time that could be precious…” I mumbled. I knew that Félix was trying to do what he thought was right. I knew that he was trying to reassure me, and reassure himself at the same time, because worrying would be of no help, right now, but there was no use to that. It wasn’t the right thing to do.

“We must consider all possibilities.”

“Not this one. Not this possibility. He wasn’t going to be long.” Félix opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off. “No, there’s no need to discuss this. I know that he was going to come back immediately. He wouldn’t have wasted a second. Félix. Oh, please, just do something.”

I had told myself, countless times, not to give in to panic, not to cry. But for a moment I gave in. I couldn’t help the tears that momentarily blinded my vision. I tried to compose myself, but it took several seconds before I could look at Félix again. What I saw caused me quite a shock. It seemed that my own despair had rubbed off on him, and suddenly Félix looked like the weight of the world rested on his shoulders. He sank into a chair, looking defeated. My heart squeezed. I had never seen Félix like that. He’d always looked very severe, very strong. Now he looked like he didn’t control anything. That was what scared me the most. That made everything so much more real, all of a sudden.

“What are we going to do?” I asked in a small voice, when it seemed that Félix had given up on lying for reassuring reasons.

“Sit down, please,” Félix said gravely, gesturing to one of the chairs.

“No, thank you. I’m comfortable enough like this.”

“It wasn’t a suggestion. Sit down.”

I did as he told me with a wince. It was never a good thing when people told you to sit down. It meant that they had bad news for you. Though I had no idea how the situation could possibly get worse.

“There,” I said, my voice quavering. “I’m sitting. So, what do we do? You must send people to search for him, because if he’s not back, it’s that something bad’s happened to him.”

Félix took a deep breath. “I will do no such thing,” he said quietly.

“Sorry?”

“I’m not going to send anyone. Rufus knew how things were. He understood it, and you would too, if you were not so upset. If he’s in a state to come back to us, he will. If not, then there’s nothing we can do.”

“But maybe he’s wounded somewhere, and he’s waiting for help. For our help.”

Félix looked at me in silence for a moment. Then he sighed loudly before speaking. “Don’t kid yourself,” he said, his eyes fixed on me as he glared with such intensity that I felt uncomfortable. “They don’t leave wounded behind. You know it.”

“I don’t accept this. I don’t.”

“Perhaps you don’t, but I have twenty more people to watch over. I have to think about them too. You might not understand, you might not think it moral, but sometimes I have to sacrifice one, no matter how dear to me, for the sake of the community. It’s a choice I have to make, even if then I have to live with it. If you want to be useful, you can start spreading the word. We must be ready to leave at nightfall, should the situation get worrying. Until then, we wait. After that, we assume that the worst has happened.”

I stared at him for a while, my lips pressed into a thin line. “Fine.” I stood up, ready to leave him. “You think I don’t understand, but I do,” I muttered when I was at the door. “I see why you’re doing it. But I don’t accept it.”

Félix nodded, and it was obvious that the conversation was over. He wouldn’t tell me where he had sent Rufus, and he would do nothing to help me find him.

“He’ll come back,” Félix said softly as I left. “I’m not worried, he’ll come back. He always finds a way back. Whatever it was that delayed him, he’ll come back.”

I turned to look at him one last time, to see if he really believed what he was saying, but all I saw was just an old man muttering to himself.

“Félix?”

He did not even look up.

“Thanks for letting me stay. I know you weren’t really keen on it, first, so thank you.”

Félix did not answer, and I left him with his thoughts. It was hard enough as it was for him. I wasn’t going to bother him any longer. And all that I would be saying to him would be reproaching him his lack of actions. He could be spared that, I thought.

The news of what had happened quickly spread, though it was Félix’s doing, not mine. Despite what he had told me to do, I didn’t have the heart to admit it already. Telling everyone that something might have happened to Rufus would mean admitting that there was a chance that I wouldn’t see him again, and I wasn’t ready for that. I wouldn’t give up on him, not until I was given the proof that something had really gone wrong.

And yet everyone soon knew, and infuriatingly, they did exactly what Félix recommended them to do. They were getting ready to leave, if he told them to. None of them seemed to be as upset as I was. It seemed that they were kind of used to that.

Félix’s decisions made sense, of course. He was responsible for the safety of everyone in here. He had to make sure that nothing happened to them. And I had to make sure that I did all that I could for Rufus. And that meant doing something more than making sure that I was ready to leave when Félix told me to. It meant that I would do all that was in my power to help Rufus. I wasn’t really sure of my decision, but it comforted me to think that he would have done exactly the same.

It took me a moment to find the bag that I had been travelling with. I had abandoned it in a corner, and then I had completely forgotten about it, because I hadn’t planned on using it anymore. I quickly stuffed things in there, hurriedly throwing food and clothes that I might need. It was nearly done when there was a knock on the wooden wall, right behind me.

“Émilie,” I said upon seeing the familiar face. “It’s nice to see you. I was just thinking that I was going to come and see you.”

“We just learned what happened,” she said with a sorry look on her face. “Came immediately. Are you alright?”

I dropped the bag that I was holding and pushed it back in a corner with my foot. I smiled at Émilie as widely as I could. “Yeah. Yes. I… I’m alright.”

“There’s no need to pretend, not with me. Listen, I know – well I don’t know what you’ve gone through – but I know what it’s like. I know you’re probably thinking that something horrible happened to Rufus, but you must keep faith. It’s not the first time that we’re in this situation, and it’s never been anything serious. Every once in a while, we get ready to leave in a rush, but since I’m here, we never had to actually do it.” Émilie was doing her best to reassure me, and to offer me some support, and even though I appreciated it, I did not really have the time.

“I understand,” I mumbled.

Émilie shook her head. “Sorry, I didn’t want to mean that you didn’t understand,” she said with a small smile. “It’s just that I know that everything’s not alright. I know that you’re worried. I can see it. I know that you wonder what happened to Rufus, but you must have some faith in him. It’s not the first time that he gets into trouble. He’s always come out of it fine. Have faith in him. Félix has sent Pierre into the city to hear if there was any word of something that might have happened. There’s no word about anything.”

“There is a reason why Rufus hasn’t come yet,” I protested.

“I’m saying there isn’t. But listen, he’s clever. He knows where to find us, he knows where we’ll go next, and he’ll find us, believe me.”

“Yes,” I murmured, even though I did not really believe her. I wouldn’t wait for Rufus to find me, I would find him.

“Do you need help packing up?” Émilie offered.

I shook my head. “No, it’s alright.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, it’s alright,” I repeated quietly.

“What have I told you?” spoke someone from outside.

“Daniel? How long have you been there?”

Outside, Daniel just laughed.

“We came round to see if you were alright,” Émilie explained. “But I wanted to talk to you first… see if you were fine. But Dan stuck around because, well, I was saying that I had to talk to you because you might need some comfort or help, and he said something, and I thought it wasn’t true, so he came with me to prove his point.”

“Judging by his saying that he had told you, I guess that he told you that I could handle this and that I didn’t need help,” I replied with a smile. “And if this is the case, I have to say that you were quite right there, Dan. I’m fine.”

Émilie shook her head. “No. No, that wasn’t what he said. He tried to make me believe that if the circus was forced to leave, you wouldn’t come with us.”

“Oh,” I mumbled, and Émilie stared at me.

“No,” she protested. “You can’t…”

“If we get that far, I wish you the best,” Daniel said, appearing in the doorway. He extended a hand that I didn’t shake, hugging him instead.

“Thanks, for all of this.”

“You were very welcome. I hope you find him.”

“But you can’t leave, it’s dangerous out there,” Émilie protested. “It’s…”

I tried to smile reassuringly, although it was a difficult task. I would miss them more than I had ever thought it possible.

“I can’t abandon him,” I told her. “I won’t. And he’d do the same. He’d do the same for me.”

Émilie sighed. She looked very upset and shaken. “Right,” she said, putting on a brave smile. “Well, I – I don’t know why I’m so upset, I’m sure Rufus will come back and none of us will have to part anyway. But… if we do have to leave tonight and you don’t come with us, then I hope you’ll be alright. And you’ll find Rufus, anyways. I’m sure of it. He knows where to find us. And you’ll join us back at the next stop. You will.”

“Sure,” I said, fighting back the tears that came with seeing her so sad, “I’ll find him, and we’ll be back in no time.”