Fading, Like the Stars

Once the decision had been made, it was very easy to go on from there. Saying goodbye had been hard, but everything after that was easy. I returned to Félix, and informed him of my decision. He said nothing. If my departure caused him any sadness, he hid it well. But I thought it more likely that he did not care at all.

I begged him to give me the addresses where he had sent Rufus. They would be the starting point of my search. He refused. There was nothing I could say or do to convince him to change his mind.

It seemed to make the task that I had set for myself even more impossible. The city was huge and I had no idea where to start. I could no longer count on anyone’s help. But I was determined. Everything was ready, packed and all. I wouldn’t pretend that it wasn’t hard to leave the circus, but I was certain that I was doing the right thing, and when I left it behind, I tried not to look back. There was a part of me that would always long for the comfort that I had found here. The same part of me was thinking that what I was planning was of no use, that I would never manage to find Rufus in this maze. But I owed it to him to at least try.

The afternoon was reaching its end when I eventually left the waste ground where the circus had set up camp, and entered the city through the deserted neighborhoods designed to house the workers. Except that now, with the end of the day of course, it was no longer deserted. But yet no one paid me any attention. They were too much in a hurry to get back to their homes, and too exhausted to mind their surroundings. That was the result of a long day’s work. A good form of exhaustion, they used to tell us at school. The kind that left you satisfied and healthy. It was amazing the amount of crap that they could make us believe, back then. And some of them probably still believed it.

I was following the route that I had followed when Rufus and Émilie had taken me for a tour of the city. At first, it had been chosen unconsciously. But I soon realized it, and decided to stick with it. It was the only clue that I had to start my search. It was as good as an option as anything else.

I didn’t go far that. The circus was barely out of sight that I was stopped.

“You shouldn’t go that way, Ma’am,” whispered a small voice as something tugged at my sleeve.

My heart missed a beat, even though there was nothing dangerous or even remotely worrying about the voice that had spoken. But I had gotten so used to people in towns ignoring each other and not addressing a word to their neighbor that being stopped when I thought that everybody was ignoring me, caused me quite a shock.

I stopped, for one second thinking that something bad was going to happen, but then as nothing happened I turned my head and looked down at the person who had stopped me. It was only a child, about eight or ten years old, though it was hard to tell. It was obvious that people around these parts did not have enough to eat. The boy was dressed in what could best be qualified as rags. Everyone around me was dressed in a simple way that made it very clear that they had no money to spend on clothes, and that they needed some that would last as long as possible, but yet they were dressed nicely, they paid attention to what they were wearing, it was obvious. The boy looked different. He was very poor, there was no doubt about it. I wondered what he wanted with me. I had nothing to offer him. And I had no time for him, either.

“I’m sorry,” I said, gently pulling at my sleeve to make him let go of it. “I really don’t have the time.” I tried to keep my voice as low as I could, to attract as little attention as possible. The last thing I wanted was to have people notice me and wonder what was going on.

The kid didn’t let my words bother him. “Not that way, ma’am,” he said again, shaking his head.

I frowned. He looked harmless and I didn’t want to pain him. But I really had no time. I wondered what was the best way to get rid of him. I wanted to keep things quiet. I certainly did not want him to get me noticed.

“Uh.. It’s really the way I want to go, though,” I said as quietly as I could. “And I’m quite in a hurry, so I’ll go now…”

The child shook his head one more time. “You should follow me,” he whispered. He looked at me, big brown eyes full of confidence, and tried a wink.

“I think you must be mistaking me for someone else,” I said very slowly, utterly confused.

The boy smiled. “No ma’am, I recognize you from the description. You have to follow me. You’re the lady with the circus. I was told to get you before nightfall.”

I watched him, completely puzzled. I could give him no answer, because I did not understand how he could possibly have known that I had been with the circus. Of course, there was always the possibility that he had followed me from there, but there was no reason to it. From the way I was dressed and the way I behaved, it was evident that I had no money, and that there was nothing to steal from me. I did not understand what it was that the boy wanted.

“We should go,” he added. “There’s a lot of people, and even if they don’t look like they’re watching, they can still see.”

I don’t know if it was that that decided me to follow him, or if I just didn’t think very clearly because of what had just happened, but after one split second of hesitation, I nodded. He looked harmless. His bright smile inspired confidence rather than distrust, and there was no dishonesty in his eyes, or at least there appeared to be none. Of course, if he had been a thief or something like that, it was exactly how it would have been too, but I was foolish enough to think that a kind with such a bright smile could not want anything bad.

“Fine,” I said, “lead the way.”

“Sure ma’am,” he said happily, and he was gone so fast that I had trouble following him through the crowd.

After a moment, I began to think about how stupid I was being. Who knew where this kid was going to take me? What use would I be to Rufus if I followed that strange kid around? Sure, he seemed to know who I was and where I came from, and I was curious to discover what he wanted with me, but now was not the moment to listen to curiosity. If there had ever been a time to listen to reason, it was now. I thought about going back. The child was walking several steps ahead of me, and now was the ideal time to sneak away.

Just as I had decided to go, he turned around. “You need to hurry a little more, ma’am,” he said with a frown, “it’s important.”

“Alright, alright, I’m coming,” I grumbled. His behavior puzzled me more and more. What was so important? And where were we going?

“Over there, ma’am.”

I sighed. “Why do you call me ma’am all the time? Do I look so old to you? It’s Aimée…”

“Oh, I know, ma’am. He told me so.”

I stopped “Who told you so?” Who knew my name? No one knew me…

The boy grabbed my arm, and ushered me inside a building.

“Wait,” I said, “who told you my name? What’s going on?”

He did not answer, just pushed me further inside. The building was nothing extraordinary. It didn’t differ from all the others that surrounded it: grey and old. It seemed abandoned, but all the buildings in the area looked like that, so it didn’t mean anything. I had not really looked at it. I didn’t think we’d stop here. Inside there was an old staircase, and old postboxes along the wall that no one seemed to use anymore.

“Hey, hum, where are we? Who told you to get me?” I asked, but the boy turned round and with a frown and a finger placed on his lips, told me to shut up.

“But…”

“Hush,” he whispered, and not letting go of my arm, he began to climb the stairs.

I followed him because it was a bit too late to turn away now, but I was thinking more and more, that this was a stupid idea. We climbed up three flights of stairs, all the way to the top of the building. The old corridors in which we were walking seemed dusty and dirty and deserted, but every once in a while, there was a sound that told me that I wasn’t alone in this building. Despite what I had thought from the state of it, it was actually inhabited. The boy stopped in front of a door on which the sign 305 b was hanging upside down, pulled a key from under the carpet, and opened the door. He disappeared inside, still holding onto my arm to make me follow him. Then he quickly closed the door and locked it.

The inside of the apartment was very much like the outside: old and nearly falling down, and almost empty. The windows had been blocked, and it was very dark inside. The only light was that of an old electric lamp in a corner of the main room. There was one thing, though, that I could see in this darkness, that stopped my heart from beating for a split second. In the center of the room, there was an old, beat up sofa. In front of that sofa, a cardboard box had been turned upside down and served as table. And sitting on that sofa was…

“Rufus,” I breathed, unable to believe what my eyes were showing me.

He smiled and tried to stand up, but it seemed painful for him to do so, and he fell back on the sofa with a sigh. He shot the boy a brief look.

“Thank you, Oliver,” Rufus said before looking back at me.

“At your service, boss,” the boy replied with a smile. He seemed curious about what was going to happen.

I should have gone to him to show him how relieved I was that he was there, in front of me, that he was still alive. I should have told him that I had been so afraid to lose him, because I loved him so very much that I was afraid to think that it was even possible to go on without him. Instead I just stood there, with my arms hanging at my sides, and my eyes opened wide.

“I thought you were dead,” I said blankly.

Rufus’ smile faded slightly. This wasn’t exactly the reaction that he had anticipated, and I could not blame him, it wasn’t the reaction I thought I should have either. But I was so surprised that I couldn’t move.

“I’m… alive,” he said, his expression concerned and worried.

Alive, yes, but in what state… there was blood all over him. And bruises. He seemed in pain even when he only talked. He’d gone through a beating. It wasn’t the work of the authorities, I knew it. They at least did things in a clean way. They didn’t waste time beating people. A bullet was enough. This was the work of one of those surveillance committees, like they called themselves. Neighborhoods associations who took charge of the patrols in richer neighborhoods when they thought that there wasn’t enough military presence near their domiciles. They did that sort of things. They didn’t have guns, but they used other methods. They were the ones who would beat the crap out of people. They were scarce, they could only be found in a very small number of cities, but they were dangerous.

“I – I was worried,” I said eventually, after having stared at him for a moment.

“I know, I…”

“No, you don’t know. Otherwise you wouldn’t have put me through this. I believed that they’d gotten you, I believed that you were dead. Or worse, that you were in prison somewhere, about to be tried and sentenced to death or worse.”

I felt oddly angry at him. Angry because of what I had gone through, because of all the anxiety and pressure that I had endured over the course of the last hours. But also angry because I was going to find him. I was going to search this entire city for him. Of course I was relieved that he was alive. I was more than happy that he was there. But I had wanted to do this for him. I had wanted to be the one who found him, saved him. I did not want to be dragged to this place by some random boy. I wanted to do something that would have shown Rufus just how much I cared about him, that I was ready to search the world to find him. By this, by doing this, I … I felt that he had robbed me of my grand gesture.

“I should have listened to them…” I said blankly.

“Whom? What?”

“They warned me. Said it was something that had happened before. They told me you’d come back. I shouldn’t have worried so much. Should have listened.”

The last twinkle of joy died in his eyes as he understood that there was not going to be a happy reunion just now.

“Aimée, I’m really sorry for what I …”

“Are you really? Cause you could have come back,” I whispered, “you could have found a way to let me know what had happened. Did you not think that I was going to worry? Did you not think that I was going to feel like I was dying when you… you did not…”

“I had to protect the circus, make sure that no one had followed me, that no one made the connection between me and them,” Rufus spoke with the voice of reason.

I knew that he was right. Everything he said was justified. But I had worried so much. And I had had the occasion to repay my debt to him, to perhaps save his life like he had saved mine. And I was bitter about it, and it was tainting our reunion even though I did not want it to.

There was a long silence that was eventually cut by Oliver.

“I thought you said she was going to be happy to see you, boss,” he whispered. “Over the moon, you said. She don’t look that happy to me. She looks more like she is angry.”

Rufus chuckled and then winced. “Yes, that’s what I thought. But she’s right. I was a fool. My mistake…”

I sighed. “So… what do we do now? I should go back to the circus. They’re maybe leaving tonight.”

“No one’s getting out before nightfall,” Rufus said again. “It wouldn’t be safe. There won’t be anyone left in the streets by now, but it’s still clear enough to be spotted easily.” He winced darkly.

“You can’t move,” I whispered, my voice quavering a little. “You gotta stay here, because… you need to be quick if you don’t want to be seen.” I finally walked up to him, and touched the left side of his face, where it wasn’t swollen and turning blue. I was relieved to see that all the blood came from minor injuries, and was mostly dried already. But now that I was closer, the bruises, on the opposite, appeared more worrying. “Oh, goodness, what happened?”

He placed his hand on mine, but I quickly slipped mine away.

“It’s nothing,” he said, disappointed, “just a few bruises.” He was playing tough, but even he wasn’t as good as an actor to make it seem like his injuries weren’t painful.

“Oh, you fool, you brave fool… I must go back to the circus, warn them not leave town. It might look suspicious.”

“Yes.”

“You can’t stay here…”

“No. It would put Oliver in danger, and that’s not going to happen,” Rufus stated, shaking his head very lightly.

“What are we going to do, then?”

“We?”

“Of course we. I’m not going to let you leave my side again. Never. Not when this is what happens when you do.”

Rufus placed a hand on the side of my face, caressing it with his thumb, but I gently pushed him away. “Not now,” I muttered, “not yet.”

“This ain’t exactly what I call love, boss,” Oliver chimed in, uninvited.

I turned to look at him. He was sitting on the carpet, in the middle of the room, polishing an apple as if it were a treasure.

“And what do you know about love, Oliver?” I asked.

The boy grinned. “Oh, a whole lot of things, ma’am,” he said.

“You know that you really don’t have to call me like that, do you? You can use my name…”

Oliver nodded. “Sure, I know, ma’am.”

I turned towards him completely. Looking at the boy meant that I could avoid thinking about the conflicted feelings that Rufus’ actions had given birth to. If I could be distracted for a few minutes, then the bitterness would recede and I would be able to show Rufus that my feelings towards him had not changed one bit, and that I was acting in a more distant way simply because I was shocked by how worried I had been about him.

“So, Oliver,” I began, “you helped Rufus, didn’t you?”

He took a bite of his precious apple and nodded. “This is where I live for the moment,” he said, “I told him to hide here…”

“Thank you so very much for this, Oliver. If there’s anything I can do to thank you…”

“So you do love him, then ma’am,” Oliver asked, before taking another bite of his apple, “after all.”

His question took me by surprise. It was asked without malice or curiosity. I hadn’t been expecting it, and I could not come up with an elaborate answer. I left Rufus’ side and went to sit next to the boy. “Even more so than I thought,” I whispered, though I could not fool myself into thinking that Rufus would not hear it. “I did not think I loved him that much, before I thought he’d been taken from me. I did not even think I could love that much,” I added as an excuse for not having realized it earlier.

“Good,” Oliver said simply, with a nod.

I laughed. He seemed to think that everything was so simple. “So,” I then asked, to pass the time before everything was dark and I could go outside again, “since when do you know Rufus?”

“Around two years ago,” Oliver replied. He looked at his apple for a very long moment, then took another bite and chewed it very carefully before speaking again. “Was dying from hunger and the boss saved my life.”

“Did he?”

“Yeah, gave me food when no one else wanted to give me some.”

“Well, that makes us something in common then, Oliver. Because Rufus saved my life too.”

The boy looked at me with interest. “Really?”

“Yes,” I replied with a small smile. “You see, I was about to be killed. I had those soldiers running after me, there were really close and I thought that there was nothing left to do, but then Rufus appeared and helped me escape. He really saved me that day. And then he saved me once again by showing me that the world was more beautiful than what I thought it to be.”