Fading, Like the Stars

We walked until dawn broke, and then, as the sun slowly started to rise in the sky, we walked some more. Rufus was imposing us a rhythm that even he couldn’t follow. There was no reason for it, except perhaps that he was trying to prove that he could do it, that despite his bruises and injuries, he didn’t need to stop and rest.

The city was now far behind us. Leaving it had been easier than I had initially thought. I had expected some controls, patrols that we would have had to avoid. There had been nothing of that. Discretion was more than enough to get us out of there. Not that I regretted it. But after everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours, I hadn’t thought that it would be that easy.

But here we were, and the sun revealed a completely different scenery to our eyes. To my satisfaction, the hustle and bustle of the city was gone, as were the noise pollution and the overcrowded places. The ugly buildings that made it so smothering were not even in sight anymore. There was just grass and trees and sky, and despite the tiredness and the biting cold, I was able to enjoy it. I just would have liked to stop a little. It would have made it even better.

“He’s going to make us walk until we drop,” Daniel muttered darkly. He was tired, like we all were, and annoyed. I couldn’t blame him. I wasn’t the best of guides. I tried my best, but I was so unused to it that I hadn’t been able to prevent him from tripping several times. He’d taken it all with a smile, whilst I was highly embarrassed and confused. But a bit of rest wouldn’t have hurt him. Just like it wouldn’t have hurt me. We were far enough from the city to be assured that we would not encounter anything or anyone on this road. I just craved for a bit of rest. Sitting down, eating some of the provisions that we had hastily packed up. It wasn’t much, but it was necessary. Even for Rufus, despite what he seemed so keen on making us believe. I knew him. I could tell from the way his jaw was clenched, from the look in his eyes.

“Rufus!” I eventually called him.

He didn’t stop to answer. “Yes?” he said, continuing his walking. His breathing was short.

“This is enough, we need to stop.”

“Not yet.”

“No. We really need a break. And you more than anyone else,” I argued.

“I promised Félix that I would take you to safety,” Rufus mumbled, “and we’re too close to the city. I must make sure that we get there.”

“Don’t be daft,” Daniel grumbled, stopping abruptly and causing me to tumble forward. He was stronger than I had expected, and managed to prevent me from falling just by tightening his grip on my arm. “I’m not going anywhere further. Not until we’ve had a rest and eaten something. Aimée, is there anywhere we can stop?”

“Well,” I said hesitantly. Rufus wasn’t going to be pleased that we refused to follow him. But Daniel was right. I wouldn’t go further either. And if Rufus persisted in his obsession of reaching our destination as soon as possible, he would drop dead on the road. “There’s a small wood left to the road, about a hundred meters away. It would give us shelter and hide us from anyone who would pass on the road.”

“It would.” Daniel smiled. “Since we’ve agreed on that, let’s get there.”

Rufus tried to protest, though not heartily enough to sound convincing, and a few minutes later we had found the perfect spot to stop. Close enough to the road to hear what was going on, but slightly downhill so that we would be hidden from the road. Frost covered the grass, but we were tired enough not to mind it, and sit down nonetheless. The air was very cold. Winter was well on its way. Even the rays of the sun that fell on us through the entanglement of branches did not manage to warm us. Lightening up a fire was out of the question, though. Rufus would never have let us do so. We ate in silence. We could hear birds around us, and sometimes a slight wind that made the branches creak, but that was all.

“I’m going to take a nap,” Daniel announced when he finished eating. “Wake me up in an hour or so.”

This time, Rufus did not even try to protest. It seemed that sitting down had robbed us of all our remaining forces, and that the only thing that all of us aspired to was sleep. There wasn’t even talk about getting up again. The mere thought of it was exhausting.

“Fine,” I said, “I’ll wake you up.”

He wrapped himself tightly in a sleeping bag, and it didn’t take him two minutes before it seemed that he was already asleep. I looked at Rufus, who was sitting with his back against a tree, and had been observing me for a moment.

“You should sleep too,” I told him, speaking softly so that I would not wake Dan, “you’ve overtired yourself.”

He shook his head. “You rest,” he whispered. “Someone needs to stay awake to keep watch, in case something happens.”

“I don’t want to offend you,” I protested, “but it’s no lie to say that I am by far more accustomed to walking for days, no matter the weather, than either of you. I can keep watch. I’m more used to this than you are.”

He sighed and protested, and refused to close his eyes. After a moment, I gave up on trying to convince him and, to keep myself busy, I looked at the content of the bag that Merry had given. She’d given us about everything she had, all neatly labeled. The thin writing that I assumed to be Merry’s explained, for each box, what it was and what the uses were. I rummaged through it for a moment, mentally listing what would be useful and what wouldn’t.

“What’s in there?” Rufus asked after a moment.

“You don’t know?”

“I didn’t take the time to look,” he explained. “Merry told me to give it to you. She said that you at least would look at it and force us to use it if something happened. And she also said that she was sure that you wouldn’t lose it. She seemed to think that there was a good chance that I would, apparently. So, what is in there?”

“Like you said, absolutely everything that we might need, in any situation. Plus some things that I don’t think will be of any use to us during this journey. I think she just put all the medicine she had in the bag, just in case it would be useful. I must thank her for her thoughtfulness when I see her again.”

There was a new silence, and I continued to examine the content of the bag.

“Are you angry with me?” Rufus asked suddenly.

I looked up at him, surprised. “No, I’m not,” I protested. “Why are asking that?”

“You look distant.”

“I’m – I’m just…” I mumbled, trying to justify myself, “I’m still under the shock of everything that happened. Give me a moment.” I took a small pot out of Merry’s bag, happy to have a reason to talk about something else, “Ah, this one’s for bruises. Come over here.” I opened it to reveal some sort of transparent ointment that smelled strongly of lavender.

“Oh, the smell!” Rufus protested as he sat down next to me.

“Shut up,” I commanded him. Seeing from so close, his face was really mashed up. I dipped two fingers in the ointment, and proceeded to apply it on the bruises. “Sorry,” I whispered immediately when he winced.

“It’s alright. But I don’t like the smell of this,” he said.

“And I don’t like the look of this,” I muttered, trying to apply the ointment around his eye as delicately as I could. “Face done,” I said after a moment.

“Yes,” Rufus grumbled, “and now I smell like a flowery field.”

I authorized myself to laugh for a few seconds, but quickly became serious again. “I’ve noticed that your shoulder hurts too. Are you sure nothing’s broken?”

“Merry says I’m perfectly fine.”

“I doubt she would say that, considering the state that you’re in. Let me see.”

He did so, reluctantly, and I had to repress a wince when I saw the large bruise that was spreading all across his shoulder and that was gaining an ugly scarlet color.

“Oh dear,” I mumbled, before composing myself. “What happened exactly? How many were they?”

“It’s not as bad as it looks.”

“No, it’s probably worse. Please, do me a favor and rest.” I placed the pot back in the bag, and stood up. “I’ll just have a quick look around here.” I left without leaving him the time to contradict me. I needed to wrap my head around a few things, and I thought that perhaps getting away from everyone would help. I had been far too shocked by what had happened to Rufus, and I had never thought that I would fear losing him as much as I had. I wasn’t sure if I could… I had to get used to the idea that the circus wasn’t going to bring me the safety that I had thought it would bring. I needed to come to terms with the fact that I might have to face loss again. I’d sworn I’d protect myself from the pain of losing someone I loved again. And I hadn’t been able to. And, to be honest, it wasn’t possible to protect yourself from that. But I needed to get used to that fact.

When I returned, a little over a half hour later, Daniel was still asleep, and Rufus, even if he wasn’t sleeping, was at least resting a little.

“So?” Rufus questioned, opening his eyes the moment I arrived. “Anything interesting?”

“We’re completely alone,” I replied. “Woods stretch on behind us, to our left and right there’s nothing but empty fields. Frost covers everything. Very beautiful now that the sun is up, you should see how it shines. The road is absolutely deserted, too. I think it’s safe to say that no one is coming after us. That’s something we won’t have to worry about”

“Only about those we might meet accidentally,” Rufus grumbled.

I shook my head. “No,” I contradicted him, “I don’t think we’re going to meet anyone. I told you, the road is deserted, and I don’t think that there’s going to be anyone on it. We’d be very unlucky if someone crossed our path. But there’s something else we might have to worry about before long.” A strong gust of wind blew around us as I said that, as if to give a proof of what I wanted to say. “It’s getting colder.”

“Winter is close,” Rufus confirmed, “but it’s still bearable.”

“You seem able to stand any temperatures,” I sighed. “But it’s getting colder and colder. It froze, tonight. Rufus, it’s going to snow soon. It’s going to make things very difficult.” I looked up at the sky, half expecting the snowflakes to fall down to confirm what I was saying.

“We’ll have reached our destination before that,” Rufus said confidently.

“I really do hope so, because snow and frost make things a whole lot harder. Trust me, I know.”

“Then we should get going.”

I would have liked to rest a little more. It was foolish not to sleep. We would need sleep more than speed. But I couldn’t deny that I did not want to still be outside, walking, when the snow would fall. “If you want to,” I muttered. “If you think you can do it.” Rufus opened his mouth to say something but I stopped him from talking. “No, don’t protest. Be honest about it.”

“Honestly, Aimée, I don’t think I will be able to rest until we get there. And I’ve seen worse than this.”

“Ha, ha.”

“No, seriously. I’ve really seen worse. I’m fine.”

I sighed. “Alright,” I muttered, giving up. I cast Daniel a look. “But you get to wake him up.”

Minutes later, we had packed everything and were back on the road. We didn’t go very fast, but it was far from relaxing, anyway. I had to pay attention to where I put my feet, all the time, and that required a lot of concentration. Like the first part of the journey, we started this one in silence. But our precautions were vain, there was nothing to worry about. There was no use to be silent and discreet. Paying attention to not be noticed was useless. There was no one to overhear, no one on the road at all.

“When I was young,” said Daniel, breaking the silence, “I thought that going down a flight of stairs was sport. That was before I knew that I would have to walk miles in the freezing cold.”

“Well, it was probably sport for you,” Rufus said, smiling. “Where did you live? Thirty-first floor? That’s a whole lot of flights of stairs.”

Daniel laughed. “Fifty-first, actually. They said the view was amazing. Not that I can confirm it… As for the flights of stairs… what did you think, farmer, that we didn’t have elevators?”

“Ah, of course, elevators,” Rufus grumbled, perhaps a little offended.

“How was it like, Daniel,” I asked softly, “to be… well, rich?”

Daniel stopped laughing. “Not as easy as you’d think,” he said after a moment. “But then, maybe it was just me who wasn’t able to enjoy it as I should have.”

“I always thought that money would make things so much easier…” I mumbled.

“Materially, perhaps, but that is about all.”

“But you’re safer if you’re rich, aren’t you?” I asked. “They don’t really barge in to arrest you, they can’t stop you in the street…”

“Really?” Daniel said, amused, and I immediately knew that I had said something stupid.

“Sorry,” I said quickly, red with confusion. “I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s alright, don’t trouble yourself. You want to know what it’s like to be rich.” He took a deep breath. “Well, it’s true, there are things that are easier. You don’t have to worry about food. There’s plenty of that. You’re warm in winter, and when summer comes, there’s air conditioning, and private pools of course. Your mother and father aren’t farmers who have to toil all day. They’re doctors or generals, and their salaries are ridiculously high…”

“Your father was a military man?” I asked, interrupting him.

“General? No, that was my mother… is my mother. My father was a doctor. But whatever. Where was I? Oh yes, financially secured, that’s for sure. But then there’s the rest of course. You’ve got to learn these things by heart, their rules and dogmas. Because they expect you to follow their footsteps. Of course, they know you’ll never be a soldier, or a surgeon. They’re disappointed, even though they won’t show it. But they’ve got great projects for you. You could be a politician, or so they think. But… there’s one thing for which we’re not equal. There’s one thing that even money can’t buy. It’s freedom. And if you really crave for it, whether you’re rich or poor, it’s as bad for you. I wanted stories. I wanted to be described things that I could not see. But they wouldn’t let me have it. So, being rich didn’t make any difference, in the end.”

Silence followed Daniel’s words. His speech had plunged us all deep in reflection. No one spoke for a moment, and I wondered whether I should not consider myself lucky, in the end. Because I’d been loved. I’d been given as much freedom as my mother could give me. And no one had tried to force me to believe in things that I did not want to believe in.

“Soo,” Daniel said happily after a moment. “I shared, now is your turn.”

“Pardon?”

“I’d like to hear something about you now. Not Rufus, I’ve heard his story ten thousand times.”

“Oi!”

“It’s true,” Daniel said with a laugh. “Now I want to hear something about Aimée. What was it like to be…”

“There’s nothing really interesting to tell about me,” I said quickly. “I mean, my life is nothing special. I lived in a small village, so things were quite easy. I don’t have to complain, honestly. We were taught the law in school, like everyone else, and there was police surveillance, but I was never under the impression that it was too strong. It never prevented me from doing what I wanted, that is. Uh, what else? My father died when I was very, very young, so I have no memories of him at all. My mother was arrested – well, I say arrested, but they executed her immediately, and then of course I had to leave. But before that I don’t have the impression that I felt particularly unhappy or oppressed. And after that it was just a succession of town and villages, and what happened didn’t seem that important anymore.” I didn’t want to say more. Giving more explanations would have made me feel bad.

There was a new silence, heavier this time, that lasted until Rufus said: “Well, I don’t think we should be talking about the past anymore.”

No one answered, and he seemed to take it as us approving, which was what it was, really. To distract us, he started explaining which road we would follow to get to where we were going, what we would walk past, and how long he thought it would take us. It lasted until we stopped to rest next, and sort of lifted up the mood a little. We stopped to rest or eat two more times before night fell. Then we first tried to continue walking even though it was dark, to shorten the journey as much as we could, but it soon appeared that it was almost impossible to go on like this without getting lost. The road wounded its way through forests, crossed other roads, and it would have been too easy to end up on the wrong segment. So, despite Rufus’ protest, we stopped for the night.

It wasn’t an enjoyable rest, although everyone was quite happy to stop walking. The cold was getting more and more difficult to bear, and being alone in the dark like that wasn’t very reassuring. I didn’t sleep that well, that night, and I think all three of us were quite happy when morning broke.

The day passed very slowly. We tried not to stop too often. At least, walking kept us from the cold a little. Personally, all of this reminded me a lot of the way I had lived before I joined the circus. Getting used to it again didn’t take long. But it was very clear that the two men accompanying me weren’t used to it, and didn’t enjoy it very much. Rufus’ bruises had turned a nasty shade of purple and blue, and Daniel made efforts not to complain about my qualities as a guide, although it was disastrous. For the moment, the mood was still good, but I feared that if we didn’t arrive very soon, it would darken a lot.

A third day followed that second one, and although I could not complain about the company, I was starting to get a little weary. If only I had known where exactly we were going, thinking about it would have kept me entertained during the long hours of walking, and I could have tried to spot it in the distance, but they still refused to explain to me in details what it looked like. I was starting to think that this was getting too long.

“It’s the end of the third day,” I told Rufus as we stopped in some sort of cave not far from the side of the road, that evening. “When will we actually arrive? It’s getting longer than predicted.”

“We’ll get there early tomorrow morning, I think,” Rufus said, as it slowly started to snow. “Hopefully.”