Fading, Like the Stars

In the library, time passed with a quiet monotony. Winter was definitely upon us now, though we hardly noticed it, separated as we were from the rest of the world by a vast amount of now-frozen ground. If it hadn’t been for the daily routines that had been set by Arnaud – we now took all our meals together at the same table, at fixed hours – we wouldn’t even have been able to tell whether it was night or day.

The occasions to chance a walk outside were few, and most of the time, the weather didn’t really encourage it. So we spent the vast majority of our time inside, and soon all the days began to look like one another. Upon questioning, Rufus and Daniel ended up admitting that this was the longest time that they spent in the library, and that they didn’t really know what to do. Don’t get this the wrong way, it wasn’t annoying, so to say. The vast content of the library alone would have provided enough distraction for a lifetime. But all the days were very much similar, and life lacked the variety that it had had when I was travelling with the circus.

We had received no news whatsoever from the outside world, save for those brought back by Arnaud whenever he took his infrequent trips to a nearby town to get some food supplies. That lack of information had an effect on the three of us, of course, though needless to say, Daniel was the most affected by it. His concern was understandable, and we shared it, of course, even though we tried to tell ourselves that not hearing from anyone meant that nothing had happened to them.

I was secretly starting to wonder how much longer we would have to stay here. Many days had passed and I could not conceive that it would still be dangerous out there. But we could not leave until we received word that everything was alright. And, so far, we had heard nothing yet.

What I missed, what I really missed, was the opportunity to decide where I would go. Being able to stop for a moment, to thing about something else than “where will we go next? How are we going to make sure that no one catches us or suspects anything?” all this was nice, extremely nice. It was the sort of life that we might have expected to have in an ideal world. But, since nothing can be perfect, there was something about this way of living that, in the end, began to annoy us all.

As more and more days passed, we began to get the impression that, rather than being here to rest, we were in fact hiding in the library. And hiding was nice when it meant that it kept us from danger, but it was a lot less nice when it meant that we were deprived from a whole lot of other things. Like, for example, the ability to roam the grounds above our heads freely. Cécile had assured us that, come spring, it was much easier to head for the surface and spend some time outside, that not only was it enjoyable, but that it was also quite safe. But deep inside, we couldn’t help but hope that we would be gone by spring. The library was a wonderful place to discover, an amazing location to visit, and I’m sure that it even was a great place to live in. Just not for me.

If there was one thing that I had to thank the library for, though, it was for having given me the opportunity to sort out my feelings properly. I had doubted and I had been afraid, but I now I knew. I was in love with Rufus. I could not deny it. It wouldn’t have brought any good to try and ignore it. And now that I had come to terms with it, everything fell into place. Everything started to make sense. And hell, I didn’t know what the future would hold. But it was alright, because I was no longer scared. I knew what I wanted, and it was to be with him. And the rest… well, we would find out in due time.

When I did not spend it with Rufus, my time in the library was entirely devoted to reading. I read more, I think, in the weeks that we spent there, than during the rest of my life. For obvious reasons. This was the only place I knew where books were available. This was the only moment when I had actual time to immerse myself in reading.

The library provided me with such a vast amount of works that I could hardly choose. Arnaud had once said that it would take more than a lifetime to read every single work in here, and I quickly realized how right he had been. There was a secret thrill in the fact that all these words that I read would only belong to me, that no one else would know about them, that all of those who walked above there completely ignored the bliss that I was in. And sometimes there was also something that was very sad, too, because there were times when I came across something so amazing, so brilliant, so fascinating, that I wanted everyone to share. But that was impossible.

Every once in a while, I read something out to Dan. Not that often though. He and I had extremely different tastes when it came to reading. All he wanted to hear were political manifestos and philosophical essays and I personally was much more into fiction.

Most of the time, I read alone. It was not hard to find a corner in which I could hide, and with a book in my hands, everything else disappeared. It was easy to see why the authorities had deemed such works to be dangerous. I was escaping from reality, and going to a place where nothing or no one could reach me.

People soon began to complain about that. I was hardly ever around. My head was in the clouds. Fictional characters occupied my thoughts along with the livings. Sometimes I thought about what I had just read, and I did not listen to those who were talking to me. I was clearly neglecting my companions, and not offering them as much attention as I could have, but it was such a bliss to feel a different world coming alive inside of me that I paid little attention to it.

That was one thing that I was surely going to regret when we left. Because I was going to miss this place, that was for sure. But I still wanted to leave.

“What did you say?” Rufus asked as he entered the room where I had found refuge that particular afternoon.

I lifted my eyes from the book – quite reluctantly. I’d been muttering to myself instead of just thinking, but in my defense, I hadn’t been aware that I wasn’t alone.

“I was just thinking about how I’m going to miss this place when we leave,” I grumbled.

Rufus sat down in one of the armchairs, and sighed softly. “It’s strange to be here for such a long time. Different.”

I nodded. There was a short silence between us. “How different?” I eventually asked, because I was curious to hear every little detail about this place.

He sighed again, and winced a little. “I don’t know. Not the same. It’s… I was just saying that to say something, really.” He grinned. “That does sound stupid, doesn’t it?”

I was ready to answer something along the lines of ‘no, it doesn’t sound stupid, it makes sense,” but Rufus continued to talk and I didn’t have the time to speak.

“I mean,” he continued, “Every other time that I’ve been here, I only stayed for two or three days, so it was pretty new and exciting. I never had the occasion to… well, get used to it, I suppose. I never reached the point when it wasn’t something that was completely different from my everyday life. Oh, it makes no sense said like this. What I really mean is that it is different this time because the stay is longer and that the library isn’t as new as it was before, if you understand me.”

I nodded vigorously, smiling too. “Good,” I said, “I was afraid to be the only one who was getting utterly bored.”

Rufus laughed. “This is exactly what I was trying to say, only you make it sound much simpler. Life is getting monotone here.”

“My thoughts exactly. And we’re staying at the same place all the time. I wish we could be out there more often.”

“Yes! We need a bit of fresh air.”

“Do you think…” I hazarded.

“That we could go outside one day, see the surroundings? I don’t see Arnaud formally forbidding us to do it, but it’ll be at our own risks...”

“Oh, please, then let’s risk it.”

“Only if you agree to drop the books for one day to come exploring with me,” Rufus joked.

“I don’t even get why you’re asking. Of course, I would. Anything to get a bit of air…”

“Then it’s settled.”

“It’s settled,” I repeated happily. Part of me wanted to stay here forever, despite the lack of freedom, because everything was just going so well. There was nothing to fear, and all we had to do, really, was to be ourselves and just enjoy each other’s company. And somewhere deep inside me, I sort of feared that this was only just a phase, eased by the location we found ourselves in, and that as soon as we would return to reality, the world would catch up with us, and get in our way, and make things complicated, or at least much more complicated than what they were now.

“Was there something that you wanted?” I asked, remembering that Rufus had come in quite unexpectedly.

He shook his head, and stood up. “No, just wanted to see where you were hiding,” he muttered, his eyes lingering round the room.

I watched him as he took one book, opened it, glanced at it and then put it back in its place. No matter how much time I spent with him, there were still moments when I could not figure Rufus out. I did not have the slightest idea of what was going on in his head. I wished I could… I wished I could know what he was thinking about. It would have made things easier. After fumbling through the books for a moment, Rufus walked to the large map of the world that hung on one wall, and contemplated it for a moment. For all I knew, that map was quite old, and not very accurate. Not anymore. I had no idea how old it actually was, there was no indication of it anywhere on it, and I didn’t know enough to be able to situate it in time solely based on the names that were written on it. History had been written and rewritten so many times, or at least I suspected that it had, that I could not be certain of the accuracy of what passed as facts. But I knew that there were several huge differences between the map and the world as I knew it. Some countries had exploded into pieces since that map had been made, and others had merged together to form a new entity.

Rufus examined the map with the same intensity as I had when I had first discovered it two days ago, and I watched him do it over the book that I was holding. He didn’t seem to be aware that I was observing him so intently – apparently he thought that I had resumed my reading – and it amused me to watch as he frowned and pointed certain things to himself. I couldn’t repress a smile.

After a moment, he turned round, and caught me observing him. Rufus was not, and by far, someone to be annoyed or embarrassed by that. He just smiled. And I was the one who was slightly embarrassed by having been caught observing him, even though we were far past that point, and there was no reason to be embarrassed at all. I could not even say that being caught looking at him while I thought he wasn’t looking embarrassed me because I felt that it revealed too much of my heart. I had only too happily revealed the content of my heart, these last few days in the library. There was really nothing to be ashamed of, and yet I was embarrassed, and so, to hide my embarrassment, I quickly said something.

“Anything interesting?” I blurted out the question while quickly looking from Rufus to the map, fixing my eyes on the thing as I tried, as discreetly as I could, to take a deep breath, before looking back at Rufus.

He was amused, probably at my reaction.

“Well,” I said quickly, because I felt a little too exposed. “What had you looking at it so long?”

Rufus shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. “I don’t know. I was just thinking…”

“About?”

“I don’t really remember, about life, I suppose. About this place and… and the rest.”

“It’s all very serious,” I commented.

Rufus said nothing for a moment. Then his expression changed, and from serious it went to joyous. “Venice,” he said, pointing at a small dot on the map.

I hesitated on the reaction to adopt. I’m not really sure who mentioned Venice the first time, that second night we spent here. It’s all a bit of a blur to me. It was a detail, lost among much more important moments and much more important words. It was a thought. It was a dream. An unattainable dream. Venice was out of reach, of course, especially for people like us. And even if it hadn’t been like that, if it hadn’t been unattainable, I very much doubted that we would have tried it anyway.

Venice… Venice was almost a legend. But if only half of what I had heard about it was true, then it was at least one thing. It was hope. Or at least, it was something that was very close to it. The reason why, in my eyes, what Venice meant was very close to hope, was that it was independent. The city had voluntarily separated itself from the rest of the world, and now stories were running wild about the place. The republic of Venice… It was hard to tell what was exactly true about it. For some it was a place of sin and for others a place of freedom. Some talked about it as if it was a myth, and for others it was no different to the world that we lived in. A name was a name, they said, and names were the only things that differentiated forms of governments nowadays. The rules remained the same, and the way people lived was no better. But the name was exactly what caught my attention. The republic of Venice. The last free republic… It evoked many things to me. There was something about it… because freedom was contagious, wasn’t it? And if there was freedom somewhere near, then maybe someday, maybe someday soon, this freedom would reach us.

When I had opened up about it to Rufus he had, to my surprise, understood and shared this vision. He had agreed that, whatever it truly was, Venice could be seen as hope, and that it would always represent just that to us. Hope. And then this word, this name, had become our secret. That secret had nothing to do with the place itself. It had all to do with the name and its meaning. Venice wasn’t some place where we dreamed to go, it was a name that gave us the hope that we too, at some point, would live in freedom.

Before I could reply something, though, there were footsteps approaching, and soon Cécile appeared in the doorway. She looked at us for a moment without saying anything. The look on her face was that of someone who thought that they were interrupting something, and who wondered whether they had to feel sorry or not. But there was also something else. A small twinkle in her eyes that was a bit… that was almost reproachful. It seemed that I was the only one to notice all these things, but I didn’t make them up, they were there. Rufus didn’t. The moment Cécile appeared, he turned his head in her direction and shot her that warm smile that he only gave to people he was close to.

“Cécile!” Rufus said, and I knew that just the way he said it made her feel like she wasn’t intruding anymore. “What’s going on?”

“Granddad prepared something to eat and he sends me to ask if you’ll be joining us,” she replied, with her voice as soft and quiet as it always was. Despite the days that had passed since we had arrived, and all our efforts, Cécile still showed the same signs of shyness whenever she was in the presence of anyone else than Arnaud.

“Of course we will,” Rufus replied immediately. “We’re coming. Wouldn’t want to seem rude.”

Cécile answered him with a very short nod of the head, and then before we had the time to say anything else to her, she was out of the room, and she disappeared before we could follow her.

“We’d better hurry if we don’t want to upset our host,” Rufus said, the same moment I said: “She’s getting more and more shy, Cécile.”

“You’re right. Let’s go,” I muttered.

“Cécile’s always been shy,” Rufus explained. “I’ve been coming here for years, and she never really opened up. It’s in her nature.”

“Hmm, perhaps,” I groaned. “But I thought that after a few days she was opening up a little. I could get her to talk a little, at least. Now she seems to have changed her mind, and she’s all quiet and secretive again.”

“It’s just the way she is,” Rufus said. He didn’t seem like he was very interested in the matter or wanted to discuss it very much. “It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you.”

“It’s not like that,” I said, shaking my head, offended that he could think that it was all about the fact that I might be afraid that she didn’t really like me. “It’s just that she seems to have changed her mind, and I would like to know what it was that made her retreat in herself like that.”

“She probably just needs a little time to get used to the fact that there are so many persons in her home now,” Rufus said, “I mean, don’t forget that she’s used to spend all her time alone in here with her grandfather. It must take some time to adjust to the change.”

I nodded distractedly, but deep inside I was not convinced by Rufus’ words. There was something that had made Cécile change her mind about us, and I would have liked to know what it was.