Fading, Like the Stars

After the long and cold winter, spring brought a more than welcomed change. As days went by, the weather slowly got warmer, the sun shone a little more. Nature had woken up, and that fact seemed to be true for everyone in the circus too. They were back on the road, and happy to be so. We all were. After that strange and forced interruption, things were going back to what they had been before. The strangest thing, perhaps, was that there seemed to be no one on the road but us. For the first weeks of our travels, we met no one, safe for the people in the towns where we stopped. But the roads were deserted. It seemed unusual, even for so early in the year, but it did not seem to worry anyone else than me. All I could do was assume that although I was unfamiliar with this, they weren’t. There were little to no other explanation.

There had been a few circus shows since we had started traveling again, but to my disappointment, sadly there had been no plays. The reason as to why this was, I had been told once I had asked, was simple. It was not the right time for it. It was as simple as that. I might have thought that it had something to do with the fact that it wasn’t safe to do it yet, but it wasn’t that, they told me. According to Rufus, I was only feeling this way because not even a year ago, I couldn’t have dreamt of the type of future that lay ahead of me now. According to him, the only reason to my worrying was that I still wasn’t used to the life that I had now. I thought him wrong, but even so, I did not argue. There was some truth in his words, after all. But that wasn’t why I had the impression that things were not exactly like before, that wasn’t why it seemed to me that people, in the towns that we crossed, looked a little more repressed than before, it didn’t explain why these people looked a little more scared, or why Félix who, I agree, often looked preoccupied, seemed to be even more on his guards nowadays, or why the roads were less travelled than they should have been, now that the days were getting longer and the temperatures warmer. Still, they told me not to worry, so I didn’t worry.

Almost everyone seemed to think that life was good, so I chose to go along with it and believe it.

The only person who seemed to think differently was Daniel. It might not have been obvious – with Daniel not being the kind of person to show a lot of what he was feeling – but there were some things in his behavior that sparked a doubt. He was troubled – for lack of a better word. The way he looked at the world, it just made me think that he had noticed the things that I thought I had noticed. And perhaps he was making something out of it. Perhaps he was understanding it in a way that I couldn’t. Unfortunately, I was not going to ask him about it because I had been persuaded that there was nothing to worry about.

Maybe Daniel had other reasons to brood, anyway. That’s what I kept telling myself, because… well, because it was easier. And perhaps that fact that he seemed to be in a darker mood had nothing to do with Daniel himself, but with the perception I had of him. Maybe the shinier attitude that I had previously associated with Daniel came in fact from Émilie. Before the library, I had, strangely, always seen him as an extension of her. Maybe it was her positive attitude that was shining back on him at that time. But with the time spent at the library, I had come to dissociate him from her. And if Émilie was still as positive and happy as ever, Daniel seemed more worried as the days went on.

But unless Daniel wanted to share some of his thoughts with me, all of this was none of my worries. Because again, everyone else said that everything was alright, so whatever worried Dan, well, it worried him, and not me.

At the present, all I needed to do was focus on the task at hand, which, right now, was to help Merry with rationing the food.

I had not really volunteered for that. There was something about this rationing thing that didn’t put me at ease. But these were Félix’ orders, and whenever Félix ordered you to do something – unless you were Rufus – you did what he told you to do. That was just the way things went in the circus. Besides, even though Félix now seemed to have completely accepted my presence, he still scared me a little and the very last thing that I would have wanted was to be on his bad side. I had witnessed his anger a few times, sometimes from very close, and I was not particularly in a hurry to have it directed towards me.

So, rationing the food supplies it was. I was counting the different provisions that were stored in the cupboards, and Merry was marking them down and calculating how long they would last us. The job wasn’t exactly pleasant, and it brought me back to much darker times, times when I knew what it was like to constantly have to worry about food.

“Why do we have to do this?” I questioned Merry after a moment.

“Do what, dear?”

“Rationing,” I replied, interrupting what I was doing to look at her. “Couldn’t we simply have bought more? How far exactly is the next town? Is it so far that what we have now wouldn’t last us until we get there?” I stopped talking when I saw the look on her face. She said nothing, but her face said it all. “Are things so bad?” I asked eventually.

Merry sighed, and put down the little notebook in which she was making notes. She sat down on a chest in a corner, and pinched the bridge of her nose, looking older and sadder than I had ever seen her.

“So bad?” I asked, staring at her.

She shook her head, and let out another long sigh. “Don’t let it worry you. It’ll get better, it always does. We’re going through a rough patch, but we’ve so many before. It’ll get better soon enough.”

“Tell me,” I pressed her, “what is it exactly, what’s wrong?”

“You must not worry the others with this,” she said, “but nearly all the money’s gone.”

I looked at her for a moment, unable to find something to say. I had not expected that. It seemed – it had always looked like life here was so easy, compared to what I had known before. I didn’t even think that there could be problems like that. I mean, even when Félix came up with this rationing thing, I still though that it was just him being much too careful and prudent, like usual.

“This winter has been rougher than we had anticipated,” Merry continued. “We should have been more careful than that, but no one could have predicted what happened. And you’ve seen the last shows.... There weren’t enough people. Winter has been rough on everyone, I guess. It’s not the right moment for people to go to a circus.” She paused, looking at me gravely. “The situation’s not brilliant, that’s certain,” she said. “There’s barely enough left to renew our license. But I’m quite certain that it’s only temporary.”

“I didn’t know,” I said, sitting down in a chair in a corner. “I really had no idea…” I waited for a moment before saying: “What do you mean by license? What sort of license, and what for?”

“We have to have a license to travel like this and to present the shows,” Merry explained. I looked at her, not knowing what to think of what I was hearing. This was something that I had not even expected. I was beginning to see that life here was a lot more complex than what I had seen until now. Perhaps Félix’s sternness could be explained and understood if you realized that there was more to the circus than just wandering about. Something that I had not ever considered.

“How exactly does this work?” I enquired, genuinely wanting to understand how it all worked.

Merry had a small frown. “You’d never heard about it before?” she asked.

I shook my head. “No, I can’t say I have.”

Merry had a moment of hesitation, then she just smiled. “Well, quite natural,” she said. “It’s not really the first thing you care to mention we you explain our lifestyle. It was my question that was stupid. But yes, back to our subject… Every traveling party of one kind or another cannot do so without some kind of authorization.”

“So, that license is something you’ve got to have in order to travel from one town to another with the circus, is that it?” I tried clarify what Merry had just said.

“More or less,” she said. “What we really need is to have the shows validated, that’s what the license is all about. For obvious reasons, no one wants people travelling all over the place when they don’t know what they’re actually saying.”

“Is this really necessary? I haven’t seen a single of your shows where there wasn’t a form of censorship, at least a couple of soldiers were in there every time to keep an eye on what you were saying. Besides, we both know that there are other means to set up shows that they don’t know about. So what’s the point of it all?”

Merry smiled, amused by something, though I could not figure out what it was. “Then, as those licenses are quite expensive, maybe it’s just another way to earn money.” The smile faded from her face. “It’s a way to keep a certain control on people who live a bit differently from the expected. A way to remind us that we’ll never be completely free, that we owe them.” She was dead serious when she said that.

I nodded. There was a lot to think about, in all that. “And those licenses,” I asked curiously, “how do you obtain them? They have to come from somewhere.”

“That’s what the Spring fair is all about,” Merry answered. “Now, you’ve heard about this, I suppose.”

“Yes, I do. They mentioned it while we were at the library. But I didn’t get much explanation.” I frowned. It was a common thing with Rufus, I had figured out. In order to not spoil the surprise about all these things that I didn’t know, he always refused to explain properly what they were about. I understood why, but yet there was something a bit annoying about it. “I was under the impression,” I continued, that it was just… well… just another fair. Just one that you guys went to. It wouldn’t have been the first one I came across, though they’re generally just big markets. Rufus said something about travelling companies meeting there, and it not being as fun as it sounded. So, in my head this one was the same as other fairs. Perhaps bigger, but….”

“You’re not entirely wrong. It’s the spring fair, so, technically it’s a fair. But it’s certainly not going to be one like the ones you have seen before. It’s meant for people like us, so it’s bound to be different. And as for Rufus’ opinion, well I beg to differ, I think you’re going to find it quite interesting, quite different. Yes, I think you might actually be very interested to see it. It’s the only place or time that you can get your license renewed – for you have to renew it every year at the same time – so there are people from all over the place coming for that reason. All the shows have to be shown to officials before they can be shown in public, so there is quite a bit of entertainment too.”

“Are there a lot of other circus out there? Because before coming here, I had heard about it but this was the first time that I actually saw a real one.”

“Well, it’s not a very successful business anymore,” Merry conceded, “and it’s not really following the spirit of our time either, but there’s a few still out there, soldiering on. And there’s one or two really big ones, too. You might really be enjoying it, especially since it’ll be your first time.”

“I wonder why Rufus says that it’s not that fun, then,” I mused.

Merry picked up on it and smiled gently. “Bear in mind that it’s a very official event. There is a lot of military presence there, there has to. It’s never been Rufus’ thing, having to keep a low profile. That, and the fact that there are quite a lot of people around constantly, another thing that is not really popular with him…”

I nodded, thinking about all of it. “It mustn’t be that easy for Dan either.”

Merry looked at me for a moment, long enough to make me feel a bit awkward about it, wondering what I had said or done that made her so thoughtful. “Oh, Daniel can be pretty sociable when he wants to. I wouldn’t worry for him.”

“That’s not what I was talking about,” I said quietly. What was on my mind wasn’t that there would be a lot people around, I’d never imagined that that would be a source of trouble. But the soldiers… I’d started to get a feel of just how much hated them, how angry he still was. Even from the little he had said, it was easy to understand that he, despite all that he might say, still believed that a change was necessary and that that sort of change would not come unless there was a revolution. In these circumstances, it was slightly worrying to think that he would be surrounded by officials and military, which represented everything that he hated. Loads of people would have been tempted to do something… well, reckless, to say it that way. I wondered if people knew, and if they would be keeping an eye on him.

“We should probably continue,” Merry said, “if we want to finish before supper.”

I immediately stood up and nodded vigorously. She was right by saying that. There was an awful that still needed to be done, and even if we hurried, I very much doubted that we would finish it all before nightfall. The rest of the work was done with very little talking and by the time someone knocked at the door and Raymond’s head appeared through the door to tell us that supper was ready, we were almost finished. Almost but not entirely.

“Go,” Merry encouraged me. “I’ll finish on my own.”

But I shook my head and protested. “No, certainly not. If there was anyone who should finish this, it should be me. You deserve a rest. I’ll finish it.”

But Merry insisted. “No, no, no, I’ll finish this. I’m not in a hurry.”

“I’m not either.”

“You’re young,” she said, as if it was an excuse. “Go and have some fun. When you’re my age, you’ll see that opportunities to enjoy yourself are not things that can be passed upon.”

“Yes, I’m young, but therefore I should be working more.”

Merry looked at me for a moment, then chuckled lightly. “So you’re saying I’m too old,” she said, “that’s why you want to rest.”

“No, no, that’s not what I meant,” I immediately protested, my cheeks flooding with color. “I didn’t want… it’s not what I meant at all. I meant… what I meant was…”

Merry chuckled again. “Relax,” she said, “I know you didn’t want to offend. And I’m not offended, of course. You’re too easily stressed. Now, go and see your friends. You deserve it. If you’re not having fun now, when then?”

I looked at her. She knew what she wanted, Merry. She had a certain kind of authority. Nothing like Félix’s authority, of course, but in her own sweet and kind manner, she could make people do what she wanted them to do. “Thank you,” I said eventually, before leaving her alone.

By the time I got to the campfire, most people were already down there, huddled together near the flames with their plates on their lap. I got one of my own, and after scrutinizing the crowd for a moment, searching for somewhere to sit, I headed to the place where Émilie and Daniel were engrossed in an animated conversation.

“That is ridiculous,” Émilie was saying. “I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous. In my life! There’s no way, no way…” and Daniel was shaking his head, disagreeing with her. They both looked very serious.

I sat down to Émilie’s right, and she briefly turned her head and shot me a rapid smile.

“Who’s just arrived?” asked Dan – who still was aware of everything that was happening.

“I did,” I replied. “Aimée…” I added, because with all the noise around I wasn’t sure he could recognize my voice.

“Ah, Aimée,” Daniel said, a smile appearing on his lips, “how are you?”

“Long day,” I replied. “Has any of you seen Rufus at all?”

Émilie shook her head. “Not since yesterday evening,” Daniel said.

“Don’t you know where he is?” Émilie asked. “What was he doing today?”

I shrugged. “I know he had something to do with Félix today, before we got back on the road he said. But I didn’t expect that it would take that long.”

“Strange,” said Émilie.

I shrugged again, concentrating on the contents of my plate. “I suppose he’ll appear before long.”

“Nothing to worry about,” Daniel chimed in.

“I’m not worried,” I said quickly.

“Of course not,” Dan said, a mischievous smile appearing on his face. “And you’ve got no reason to be either. But just in case you were, you know, remembering what happened last time, I’m sure that Rufus wouldn’t do it again. Not after the fright he gave you last time he went missing.”

I looked at Dan curiously. “How is that relevant?” I asked.

Daniel had some sort of frown. “Well, it is,” he said simply.

“How could you know?”

“Well, I know Rufus, for starters. And despite what everybody seems to think, we do talk to each other often.”

“Talk to each other often,” I repeated, staring at him. “Talk about what?” Next to me, Émilie was looking down at her own plate, stifling a laughter.

“Bit of everything.”

I frowned. “What did he say exactly? Rufus, what did he tell you?”

“About what specifically? Because he told me a lot of things.”

I looked at Daniel for a long moment, wondering how I was supposed to react. “Does he talk about me?” I asked after a moment, praying that I did not sound too inquisitive.

“Why? Would you want to know what he says?” Daniel replied, looking clearly amused.

“Oh, Daniel, shut up.” Rufus hit Dan over the head before shoving him to the side to sit down.

“I do not permit you,” Daniel protested.

“Dan…” Rufus said quietly, and Daniel said nothing more. “He was having a go at you,” Rufus looked at me, shaking his head.

My eyes went from Rufus to Daniel. “Were you?”

“Not exactly,” Daniel protested.

“How so, not exactly?”

A smile graced his face. “I enjoy getting you to show how you really feel…” he said. “It distracts me from other problems. But don’t worry, I get to tease Rufus too. A lot more now that you’ve arrived than before. Talking about that… Rufus? Why exactly did you chose to sit next to me?”

“Because this was the only space left, you idiot,” Rufus grunted, rolling his eyes.

“Ah, how unfortunate.”

“Ignore him,” Émilie said, speaking after having remained silent for a while. “He’s been having a rough week and he’s just trying to have a little fun. How was your day, Rufs?”

“Not so interesting. Yours?”

“Same old,” she replied.

“Mine was brilliant, in case you were wondering,” Daniel chimed in. I briefly looked at him. For once, I could not really figure out whether he was being sarcastic or not. Then I looked away and smiled at Rufus, who was staring at me.

“How was yours?” he asked quietly.

“Long,” I replied. “Very long.”

“As terribly long as mine?” he asked, maintaining his stare. “Because it was horrible.”

“I don’t know. Did you get bored a lot?”

“A lot. Félix kept talking and my mind kept drifting.”

“Hmm. I hope that at least you thought about pleasant things.”

“Some of them were quite pleasant, yes.”

I opened my mouth to reply something, but Daniel spoke before I could say anything. “Are they doing that thing again?” he asked Émilie.

“What thing?” I asked.

It was Émilie who replied. “That thing when you two talk about completely random things and yet you’re making us feel like we’re in the way.”

“No we don’t,” I protested. “I mean, we don’t feel that way.”

“Yes, you do,” Daniel said. “Even I can feel it, and I can’t even see you.”

Rufus looked at me, and shook his head. “You’re making it up, Dan,” he said, standing up. “And I’d love to argue with you guys on the subject,” he added, “but unfortunately we must go.”

I stood up too. “Yep, we do. Goodnight.”

“We don’t do that sort of thing,” Rufus said as we walked away.

“No, we don’t,” I agreed. “You know what I talked about with Merry? The fair. I’m quite excited to get there, actually…”

“Yeah, I bet you are,” Rufus grunted, “though it really isn’t as fun as it sounds.”