Fading, Like the Stars

The fair was nothing more than a huge gathering of travelers. There was not much more to say about it, to be honest. I think that what I had imagined was some sort of enormous version of what the circus was when it stopped in town for a show. There were certainly similarities to that, that was sure, if only for the people that were swarming all around us. Those people were not like the ones who inhabited the towns and cities. It was hard to say what the difference exactly was, but people here did not act in crowds the way the others did. There was something different in the way they walked and in the general way in which they held themselves. They weren’t trying to blend into the mass, they made eye-contact with each other. The biggest difference was perhaps that these people were not afraid to be themselves in public, whatever that meant.

And yet, the fair was not like I had imagined it to be. It was still one of the strangest things that I had ever been given to see, and I had seen a few curious things in my life yet. First of all, there were more people than I had anticipated. I don’t know how many I had thought were going to be there – seventy or eighty, perhaps, that seemed a lot already – but certainly not hundreds. Yet there were hundreds of people parked here, and with the people came the caravans, the tents, the cars, the animals. All that made for the biggest mess I had ever seen in my life. All those people went about doing their business, none of them seeming to be surprise by the gigantic mess that surrounded them. It was colorful and noisy, it was unexpected, and there was an air of freedom that even the watchers – police and army charged with making sure that nothing happened here – couldn’t make go away. Yet, despite all that, I felt that there was something missing.

When I had tried imagining the Spring Fair, it had always been a mixture of the fairs as I was familiar with – giant open air markets where you could find about everything if you knew where to look – and the circus as it was when there was a show. In my mind, the fair had to be something full of excitement and colors and sounds, something like a perpetual show, magical and fairytale like. And that magical, colorful side was exactly what I was missing. I had been wrong to think that this was going to be like one of those shows that I had grown so fond of. This was not putting up a front for the public, it was never what the fair had been about. People here were at rest. They were just normal people trying to do normal things. The fair wasn’t a big celebration, even if it was the occasion for people who had much in common to come together. It wasn’t a party. It was the occasion to rest, to fix everything that had to be fixed, buy everything that needed to be bought, to repair the engines, to manage all the paperwork. This was daily life and daily preoccupation for these people, not a giant circus show, and not a fancy market. Yes, there were things to see that were wonderful for people who were still new to this, like me. In corners or hidden places, you could always bump into artists training, there were tents being cleaned and costumes being repaired and tested, there were more colors and lights that you generally saw in the world, but this was not what it was all about. It wasn’t staged, there was no one announcing things as if they were exceptional. This was everyday life. They were not pulling their bravest faces, smiling their brightest smiles. There was no need for that here, because everyone here already knew what it was like. They didn’t come here like people who went to see circus shows, they didn’t want to be impressed, they didn’t want to dream, they didn’t want to see a better, funnier version of their lives. Everyone here was here because they had to, because they needed to.

I saw what everyone else saw about the fair. I understood why they liked it. It was the occasion to see old friends that you hadn’t seen for a year, since the last fair. It was the occasion to be around people who understood exactly the life that you led, who didn’t see it through the shows and who didn’t see it as either poorer or more glamorous than it was. They could get away from the people that they lived with 24/7, and still be themselves. They could get their hands on stuff that they couldn’t get in any other place. It was enough reasons to be pretty excited about the whole thing.

I also saw what Rufus saw about it. Why he didn’t like it that much. There was something overwhelming about that crowd, about the way these people all seemed to swarm together in one place. It was easy enough to feel uneasy about it. I was used to big crowds in cities, they were generally useful, because you could use the anonymity of such big crowds to hide. Being a tiny drop in a huge ocean was a perfect disguise. In this crowd, it was somewhat harder to hide. Here, people seemed to pay more attention to what was happening around them, and when that didn’t annoy me like it seemed to annoy some others, I have to admit that I did not feel that at ease as I might have felt in other crowds. There were too many eyes watching you all the time to allow you to feel really comfortable. Another thing that reduced the anonymity of such an event was that whatever you might see that took your breath away – musicians and artists practicing and people living a life that seemed much more laidback than you had ever thought life could be – this remained an official event, organized with the sole purpose of controlling whoever the states allowed on the roads. That was something that they would not let you forget. Wherever you looked, there was some form of surveillance or another. You were never alone and they would not let you forget that.

We rarely ever saw Félix after we had arrived at the fair. He was always too busy running around everywhere to get all his paperwork sorted to actually have time for any of us. It was a good thing for some of us, because as getting all those papers seemed so difficult, Félix was even more stressed at the fair than he was any other time. Actually, we rarely ever saw anyone. It seemed like there wasn’t a day when they didn’t meet someone that they knew and shared experiences with. I felt jealous about it. I wouldn’t go as far as saying that all these people were friends – I had noticed a few fights in the few days that we had been here – but some of them certainly were, and it was obvious that they were happy to be reunited. I knew no one here, and I was never going to be reunited with people I had met before, and that was what made me jealous.

For now, my thoughts on the fair were still quite reserved. It was all too different from everything else that I had seen for me to feel entirely comfortable about it. I could imagine that it could be nice to be wandering about with so many things to see. I could see why most people seemed enchanted to be here. There were many things to see, many friends to meet. And there were merchants who had temporarily established themselves on the edges of the fair, and who were selling so many different things that you were bound to find something that you might need or want. Yes, I could certainly imagine what it would be like to be around something like that, had the times been different. My only reservation about the fair came from the environment, really. And that environment, well, there were a few things that were a bit off about it.

The fair in itself was situated on an isolated piece of ground, far from any major town or city. Upon those fair grounds, caravans and mobile homes were parked in a rather chaotic way. There was no order to be discerned there. It seemed that whoever had arrived first had parked wherever he found fitting, and that the others had just agglomerated around. And the more people had arrived, the less the whole thing made sense. Then some tents had popped up here and there, completing the mess. If some groups had gone for a neutral white, beige or grey colors for their vehicles, others had gone for bolder colors, and these were all mingled without any concern. Amongst the tents and caravans, there were several animals running free, for the authorities did not seem to have provided any space whatsoever for those. Yet, apart from some minor incidents, people seemed to be rather happy to be there. The maze that they had unwillingly created did not seem to bother them, for it meant that even if you struggled to get back to your own living accommodation, you were guarantied to stumble onto a friend’s at some point, which would then end up in an improvised party. And they did not seem to care much about the noise either. They weren’t bothered if someone burst into an improvised song as they were trying to talk to their neighbor. They seemed to be used to it. It amazed me that in that maze of tents and caravans, with the people improvising reunions and parties, with the animals roaming around, they still managed to keep a cleanish look to the place. Of course, it wasn’t perfect. If you looked closely, you could see the traces of the parties that had been, you could spot the places where people had showed up their talents, improvising a mini show for those who were walking by, but considering what it could have been, it was still pretty good.

But behind all that, behind all the smiles and the improvised parties and the friends reunions, there was something more. At first glance, everything was colorful and funny and there were artists rehearsing round every corner and that was all well. But you didn’t have to walk far to see that this joyous chaos was in fact very controlled. The remote location spoke for itself. These people were not allowed near large cities in such big groups. And as if the fact that they were pulled away from society wasn’t enough, there were guards around the camp. Not inside it, mind you – it almost looked like they had not dared to venture in there – but the perimeter of the fair was delimited by a low fence, and along this fence there were regular spots where military stood guarding it. People said that it was for safety reason, but I doubted it. Or, at least, I doubted that it was our safety that they were really concerned about. I couldn’t really say that I felt comfortable in that environment. I felt that every step I took was watched over. And who knew if they couldn’t really hear the things that I said. No matter how much they told me that the fair was the safest place, that nothing would happen, I could not really believe it. Not with those people guarding us like cattle. How could I be expected to enjoy the people and the things that I got to see here when I knew that there was someone watching over my back? I was not comfortable either with the fact that we were all rounded in the same place. It evoked memories of stories that I had been told, of events that I had heard about, and there was a part of me that would have liked to be somewhere else.

Four days after we had arrived, Daniel announced that he was going to spend the day outside the camp, looking after the tigers, which had been quarantined away from us, under the pretense that they could be dangerous and that they didn’t have the right permit to keep them in crowded areas for a prolonged time. I say under the pretense because in my current state of mind, I was too suspicious to give them that credit, and I suspected that it was never a question of permit. They were simply afraid of the beasts. Perhaps, for some reason, they feared that we could use them as weapons against them or something. Whatever it was, I was sure that it wasn’t about safety. It was about fear. When Daniel said he was leaving the Fair, I did not hesitate one second before offering to accompany him, which it saying something about the way I felt when I was there. I thought that it would mean getting away from it all for a moment, and I thought that it would be a good idea. As it turned out, it might not have been such a bright idea after all.

What I had not anticipated was that it wouldn’t be that easy to get out of the fair. We couldn’t just stroll out like that. If there wasn’t much surveillance inside the fair, or at least you weren’t really aware that there was because it was discreet enough, once you tried to get outside, you were fully aware that there was no such thing as freedom in this place. It might look like it, with all its colors and extravagance, but in the end, when it really came down to that, it was under just as much surveillance as any other place.

I tensed when we arrived in sight of the checkpoint.

I should have known that they weren’t going to let us wander around like that. I should have known that this wasn’t going to be that easy. It was only logical, when you actually thought about it for a moment. What were these guards for, if not to make sure that nobody went around doing things that they shouldn’t be doing?

“Dan,” I whispered, slowing down. I wanted to stop, wanted to turn round. No matter what I had thought previously. I didn’t need a break from the fair and from all the strangers whom my friends seemed to know so well, and whom I didn’t know at all. I wanted to go back.

Daniel clenched my arm before I could stop and turn around, and forced me to move on. “What are you doing?” he whispered. “Are you crazy?”

“I’m just… I, uh…” I muttered, not really sure how I was going to explain what was going through my mind at that point.

“Do you really want them to think that there is something suspicious going on here?” he asked.

“I’m just not sure about the whole thing,” I said in the same hushed tone he was using. “I mean… Dan, it’s never going to work. They’re not going to let us pass.”

Daniel sighed softly. “Are you worried because you feel that we’re never going to get out of here?”

“I just have a bad feeling about this whole thing.”

“Well, you can’t just stop and turn round when you see them, because it’s the best way for you to get noticed. Not only that, but you’ll also get noticed because you’re doing something suspicious, and you don’t want that to happen. Besides, I’ve come to the fair for years, and you know me by now, I’m not really a trusting person, yet nothing’s ever happened here. I don’t think that there is any reason for you to worry. What could they do, really? They’re not here for that. They’re just here to make sure that everything goes fine.”

I frowned. “Well, I might not see it with the same eyes as you, but this idea of bringing everyone together in an overly surveyed place is highly disturbing to me. But alright, let’s just say that I am unfamiliar with the event.”

Daniel nodded, and dragged me forward. As weird to say as it sounds, I was rather afraid to go out. Daniel could say whatever he wanted, I had never liked encountering soldiers, and whether they were there to guard the streets or to make sure that the spring fair was safe didn’t make any difference.

In the end, the soldiers let us out, but not after Dan had explained to them where we were going and that they had checked it, and even then they insisted on escorting us to the place where the tigers were kept, and all the time I swear that I was trembling and it’s a miracle that nobody noticed it. Yes, Dan could say whatever he wanted, but I would never like encountering soldiers.

They left us alone when we arrived, telling us that we would have to find our way back, and that they would not allow anyone in after nightfall, and that if we were late, then we would have to wait until the following morning. If that behavior wasn’t enough to show us that these people were not good to us and that we should have worried about what was going on, then I don’t know what we needed.

“You see, nothing happened,” said Dan in a tone that he wanted reassuring.

I shook my head at him, then said: “I don’t want it to look like I can’t get over it, but aren’t you afraid. Can’t these people recognize you? Couldn’t you just be arrested for the same price and then, hell knows. Doesn’t that make you want to hide?”

“I don’t need to hide here. They won’t be looking for me anyway. Who’s going to who I am or what I did?”

“They weren’t really looking for you back in the capital, but you went into hiding nonetheless,” I countered.

“It’s not the same.”

“I don’t see the difference.”

Daniel sighed. “Aimée, trust me, there is a difference. No one expects me to be here. Back there, there are people who could have recognized me, but even then the risk was small. It’s been almost ten years, and I have changed, and I was never that interesting to them anyway. They’re not searching for me. There was a bigger risk that they recognized me there, because this is where I came from, but here there is almost no risk. They’re not looking for me. There’s nothing that’ll make them recognize me.”

I said nothing but thought completely the opposite.

“You saw that nothing happened,” Dan continued.

I shrugged my shoulders. To me, the way we went about in the world, with all that I had seen, seemed more and more like pure luck. The fact that we had managed to get to this point as unharmed as we were was complete luck.

I gave up discussing it. I saw where Dan came from. I understood where he was going. Hiding all the time would not do him any good, that would not lead anywhere. I’d tried that before. I’d gone on like that for a long time. And I thought there was no other possibility. But of course now I understood that I hadn’t really been living. I took nothing out of my days, except the satisfaction of being alive and the fear of what the next day would come. And it was alright because I didn’t know anything else. But of course Dan knew something else, and I got that. If he just hid all the time, he would not get anything out of it. I understood it. But it was worrying anyway.

As I retracted myself out of the conversation, and Daniel went to attend to the tigers. The animals were kept outside the camp, a bit like they were when the circus stopped, except that they were much further away, in a completely remote place, and that the cage that they were in seemed smaller and a lot more solid.

Perhaps I had been looking too hard for something that was not to be found. Perhaps I thought that Dan had held answers that in fact he did not. Perhaps, getting away from the Fair wasn’t going to solve my problems, because I knew that I had to go back. Or perhaps these problems were mostly in my head. Whatever it was, I returned to the Fair feeling disappointed.

Somewhere halfway on our way back, Dan suddenly stopped.

“Dan, what’s going on?” I asked.

Daniel shook his head, and for a brief moment I detected a flash of panic on his face. “Someone’s coming.”

I stopped and listened, but heard nothing. “There’s nothing,” I said, looking around, but just as I said that, someone came out of the trees.

“What is it?” Dan asked. “Aimée, what is it?”

I looked at the girl standing in front of us, looking like she had walked a thousand miles to get here.

“What is it, Aimée?” Dan whispered again, nervously clenching on my arm.