Fading, Like the Stars

I looked at Rufus intently, but he was no longer looking at me. Again he was staring at the fire, lost in his thoughts and not paying any attention to the world around.

“Why would I not want to sit down?” I asked, taking a place next to him. “Rufus?”

He turned his head to look at me questioningly.

“Merveille told me that was your name…” I explained, placing my hands in my lap to stop from wringing them nervously.

“Yes. It is my name,” he said quietly, staring at me so intently that I was forced to lower my gaze, feeling extremely uneasy.

“I’m Aimée,” I replied, quickly glancing at him before looking back at my own hands.

“Aimée… You look like you’re feeling better,” he said in a dreamy voice. I could still feel his gaze on me, and I did not dare to look up.

“I’m fine… Thank you…” I hesitated. “Merveille’s been taking care of me,” I said.

“Ha, Merveille, yes,” he said, nodding. “She’s great. The mother who watches over all of us. I don’t know where we’d be without her.”

“Yes,” I murmured. “She’s great. And you…” I took a deep breath, and forced myself to look back at him. “You saved my life. Today you saved my life. I don’t know how I can thank you for that.”

He shrugged his shoulders, and suddenly I remembered Merry’s words. ‘Rufus helps people. That’s what he does. It’s in his heart.’ I wanted to know why he had done it, but it was apparent from the look on his face that he wasn’t going to explain it to me, or that, at least, he would not provide an explanation that I would deem enough.

“It was nothing, really,” he mumbled.

“Maybe it was nothing for you, but I’m still alive. If it hadn’t been for you I wouldn’t be here tonight. I’d be dead.”

“Don’t think about death.”

I was a bit taken aback by his reply, and opened my mouth, but closed it when I was unable to find something to say. I looked at him, frowning slightly. “What?”

He turned his head, giving me another of his piercing looks that I found so unsettling.

“Rufus?” He didn’t answer, and I wanted to reach out and touch him, place my hand on his or something. I wanted to know what he had meant. I wanted him to talk to me, to know why he was looking at me like that. But I couldn’t do that, I wasn’t outgoing, I didn’t show what I was feeling, I kept things to myself. I remembered just how easily he had taken my hand when we had been running, as if it was nothing. That was something that I couldn’t do. “Rufus?”

A smile appeared on his face, but disappeared so quickly that I wasn’t even sure that it had been there in the first place. I chewed on my lips, looking around me. For the first time, I actually wondered where I was going to sleep tonight. Outside, I supposed. It wouldn’t be the first time. It wasn’t really a problem. Perhaps Merry would have a place for me in her caravan, though I doubted it. The place was so tiny…

“What do you find of the place?” Rufus asked suddenly.

“Me?”

“Who else?”

I looked around, at all the lights, the colorful caravans, the children playing in a corner, the people talking to each other, laughing.

“I didn’t believe that a place like this could exist,” I answered truthfully. “It’s amazing.”

“Well, then, maybe…”

“RUFUS!”

I nearly jumped when someone bellowed Rufus’ name in an angry, loud voice that resounded in the night. I wasn’t the only one to be surprised. Many of the persons around turned to get a better look at what was happening, and naturally I did the same, turning my head to see who had just shouted.

A tall man, with grey hair and serious features, was coming to us, striding at an incredibly fast and unnerved pace. “RUFUS!” he bellowed again, tugging at his short moustache as he came closer. I almost unconsciously took a step back, but Rufus just calmly stood up, and watched the man without showing any particular emotion.

“Félix,” he said quietly as the man stopped in front of him.

The man named Félix seemed enraged. His face was red, I could see that he was gritting his teeth, and his hands were balled into fists.

“Rufus,” he said, his voice full of contained anger. “How could you do something like that, something that STUPID? Tis dangerous. Stupid. You do not have the right…”

“The right to what, Félix?” Rufus asked calmly.

In front of him, Félix was fuming, his eyes growing darker and darker, and with the sparks of the fire reflected in them, it was a terrifying sight to see.

“My circus, my rules,” Félix groaned.

“I do what I think is right…” Rufus said lowly, taking a step towards Félix.

“You do what I tell you to,” Félix replied firmly, taking a step towards Rufus.

The two men, the younger one and the older one, were now practically chest to chest, glaring at each other with such intensity that I couldn’t help but fear that this would end in a fight. It’ wasn’t just me who seemed to be afraid of that. All the people around had turned to look, but not one of them did something to calm the two men. They were all standing at a safe distance, and from the apprehensive looks on their faces, I guessed that it wasn’t the first time that the two men argued like this. No one wanted to interfere, and as I stood there, a few feet behind Rufus, with my bag tightly pressed against my chest, I started to feel really isolated. And anxious.

“Oh, what’s going on here again?” Merry shouted as she tottered towards Félix and Rufus, her hair flowing wildly around her hair. She had taken the time to wrap an old purple woolen shawl around her shoulders, and it gave her a rather strange, bohemian look. She stopped next to the two men, giving them a scowl, but neither of them seemed to care much about her. They were still glaring at one another, each one waiting for the other to lower his gaze in submission.

I couldn’t help but wonder where the hell I had ended up again.

“Gentlemen!” Merry said loudly.

“He brought a stranger in our midst, strangers are danger,” Félix replied to Merry, still not looking away from Rufus. “He knows the rules, and yet he refuses to follow them.”

I blushed furiously when I realized that this was what this whole argument had been about, since the beginning. They were not arguing about some private affair that did not concern me in any way. It was me. I was the problem. They were arguing about me. That was why Félix was so furious, because Rufus had brought me, a stranger, someone whose past was unknown, into their camp.

Merry chuckled lightly. “Félix,” she said softly, placing her hand on the top of the angry man’s hand. The man didn’t budge. His face was still red with anger, and his lips, pursed, made him look even more irritated. Merry rubbed his wrist with her thumb, and his anger seemed to evaporate a little. He lowered his eyes to look at her for a brief moment.

“Aimée’s not dangerous,” Merry whispered in a quiet, soothing voice. “Look at her, what harm could come from her?”

Félix’s eyes left Merry and landed on me. I tried to force a smile on my face to reassure him, but it failed to change his opinion.

“Looks can be deceiving,” Félix muttered. He returned his gaze to Rufus. The atmosphere around us was now so thick that I swear that with a bit of imagination, it was nearly possible to see the anger and the determination that emanated from both men.

Again, it’s was Merry’s chuckle that broke the silence. “And what are you going to do, Félix? Throw her out into the dark, cold night? Even you do not have the heart to do that. I know you. Remember what you said when you started this journey…”

Félix was still glaring at Rufus – who was glaring at Félix in return – but for a moment he lowered his eyes. His jaw clenched, and a vein protruded in his neck.

“All who need refuge will find it here…” Merveille whispered softly.

Félix shook his head and looked back at Rufus, but all the anger and irritation that had been etched on his face seemed to have disappeared. “Times have changed. Things are not what they seem anymore… She cannot stay,” he said nonetheless, his voice quieter now.

“She stays!” Rufus growled, suddenly sounding much more dangerous than when he had been talking to me, only a few minutes earlier.

I was annoyed that they were talking about me as if I wasn’t even there, annoyed that they didn’t even bother including me in their conversation. It angered me that they were talking as if my own opinion didn’t even matter. I had no intention of staying in their bloody circus. I would be gone tomorrow morning. I wanted to shout that. To shout at them that I had lived alone, survived on my own, in this fucked up world for more than six years, I could very well continue like this. But something about the way the two tall men stood there, glaring at each other, told me that maybe it was better not to interfere. Their quarrel was older than that, and my presence had probably been only a pretext to revive it. I would let them go through it and then tell them that I was going to leave.

“I can’t let her stay,” Félix said seriously.

“Just because I brought her here!” Rufus said wildly.

“No.” Félix was trying to remain calm, but I could tell that his cool and collected façade was quickly crumbling. Anger was boiling inside him, and soon he would explode again. “No. Even though you disobeyed my rules. She cannot stay because there is no room for her, nor is there food enough or another mouth.”

“That is a lie.”

“It is not!” Félix face was growing redder and redder again. “You claim you want to help people, but where would she sleep?”

“I…”

“Where? You think you can do whatever you want, Rufus, because in the end it’s not you who has to deal with the organization of things. No, this responsibility falls to me. And where would she go? With Merry? There’s already hardly enough space for Merry herself. And what if we have another wounded? Will you tell him that he can’t be treated because Merry’s caravan is occupied by your little protégée? Where? With Emily? She’s already forced to share with Cara and Sylvie. Or are you perhaps going to ask of Carmen that she takes care of another person, when she already has three kids in? I would love to do something selfless, but I can’t. I would love to pose as a hero, but I don’t have this luxury, because I have to take care of everyone in this circus.”

Everything in the circus had grown really quiet. Even the children had stopped playing and had their eyes fixed on the arguing pair. But some of the adults were already turning away, as if they had seen that sort of scene too many times before, as if they already knew how it would end.

I opened my mouth and cleared my throat to say something, to stop this folly that was going on, but one furious look from Rufus made me shut before I had even begun to speak. If looks could have killed, then everyone around him, Félix, Merveille and me included, would already be dead. Rufus’ hands had turned into fists, and he seemed to be trying really hard to hold back the blows that he wanted to deliver to his opponent.

“If we had a spare caravan, you could invite anyone you want, but we don’t. You can’t bring people over and then expect me to find a solution for them. I’m sorry but there is no place where she can stay.” Félix growled lowly, glaring at Rufus to really show him who the chief was.

I am here! Shouted the little voice in my head. I can make my own decisions. I am no one’s responsibility. I can stand for myself, and I don’t need people pointlessly arguing for me.

“Enough of this,” I began to say, speaking at last. “I…”

Merveille placed a hand on my arm, pulling me towards her and shaking her head to signify that I should not speak. I opened my mouth in a silent protest, but Merry quietly placed a finger on her lips, ordering me to remain silent. Her eyes seemed to say that this fight wasn’t mine, and that it had actually very little to do with me. ‘Wait,’ Merry’s face seemed to tell me, ‘You can speak later…’

“Then she can stay with me!” Rufus shouted, refusing to yield in front of Félix.

“Very well!” Félix shouted. “Do as you please, Rufus. As always. But she’s your responsibility, and yours alone. If anything happens to her, it’ll be your fault.”

“Fine!” Rufus replied, probably trying to get the last word in the conversation. But Félix wasn’t even listening to him anymore. He turned round, redder than ever, and briskly walked away, so fast that only a few seconds later, he had been completely swallowed by the darkness around us.

Rufus shot him one exasperated look, and then he turned round, disappearing in the exact opposite direction, walking at the same pace as Félix.

I turned towards Merry, still puzzled by the scene that had just played in front of my eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, a little shocked. “I never wanted to cause any trouble. I never even intended to stay. If you’d let me talk, I would’ve told them that I’d be gone tomorrow morning.”

Merry shook her head. “Nonsense,” she said with a smile. “And don’t you worry about these two, they fight about everything, all the time,” she added, confirming what I had already been suspecting. “Tomorrow it’ll be forgotten.”

I looked up at the sky. “This is madness,” I mumbled. “Sheer madness…”

Merry giggled lightly. “I bet you’re wondering how exactly you ended up here,” she said softly. “Don’t worry, everyone has that reaction on the first day.”

“I really don’t have the intention to stay. I can’t.” I told her, looking her in the eyes so that she could see how serious I was about it.

Merry sighed. “If you had a home, Aimée,” she whispered, “you would be there, and not here…”

I bit my lips as I remembered how much time had already passed since my own home had been so horribly taken from me. Merry had been right, when she had said that. I had no home. But I could never get one. Settling down was too dangerous. I couldn’t stay here. Not only was it dangerous for me, but it was also dangerous for everyone around.

I wanted to reply, to tell that lovely woman, once again, that I had no intention to stay, and that there was no way I was going to change my mind. But before I could find the right words, we were interrupted by Rufus, who came back, walking in the same exasperated way as when he had left. He still looked angry, irritated by the argument he had just had.

“Forgotten something?” Merry asked in an amused voice.

He groaned something in response, but I didn’t quite understand it, and judging by the look on Merry’s face, she didn’t get a word of it either. He stopped only when he came near us, and looked at me. I wondered if there was something I was supposed to say, or something I should understand from the look he was giving me. I didn’t really know how I was supposed to react, so I just did nothing. Then I noticed that he had his hand held out. I looked at him inquisitively for a moment then, with some hesitation, placed my hand in his, not completely sure that was what I was supposed to do.

He gave my hand what I thought was supposed to be a reassuring squeeze, and then began to drag me away. I shot Merry a worried look, but with a small wave of the hand, she seemed to assure me that everything was alright. So I just followed Rufus, one of my hands still holding my bag tightly, the other trapped in his.

“I’m sorry,” he said after a moment, quietly.

“Uh…” I mumbled, not sure what he was apologizing for.

Was it for the fight, for having brought me here, for the insane run on the rooftops that had left me with an aching in the ankle that had come back, now that I was walking behind him? Or was it for something completely different? All in all, I wasn’t sure that he had something to apologize to, but apparently I failed epically when it came to understand his actions and motivations.

Rufus stopped in front of one of the caravans, and eventually let go of my hand, which fell numbly at my side.

“Here it is,” he said with a shrug of his shoulders.

I examined the caravan. It was very similar to Merry’s, except perhaps even smaller, and green instead of red. Rufus climbed up the three steps to the door and pushed it open. He stepped inside the caravan, and turned round, apparently waiting for me to follow him.

“You can trust me, you know,” he said when he saw me hesitate.

That was a little too much to ask, sadly. But when I saw him watching me carefully, with something that looked like hope in his eyes, I decided to push my doubts aside for a second.

“I… just… if you’re so kind as to… lend me a blanket, I’ll sleep outside…” I mumbled.

He didn’t seem to hear. Or he pretended that he hadn’t heard.

If, on the outside, the caravan resembled Merry’s in many ways, on the inside, it was the complete opposite. Where Merry had decorated her living space with many objects that undoubtedly had a signification for her, here there was nothing. If it hadn’t been for the shirt that had been negligently abandoned on the back of a seat, I would never have been able to guess that someone actually lived in here. It was not cramped with objects like the place that I had just left. It was clean, and strangely tidy. The very few things that Rufus seemed to possess were all in their right place.

“Bed, shower, kitchen, cupboard,” he grumbled, indicating the various things he mentioned.

My eyes landed on the only bed in the caravan, and I had an instinctive move backwards. Rufus didn’t seem to notice it.

“I’ll be outside,” he said quietly. “If you… well if there’s anything you need, just call…”

He opened a cupboard and took out a sleeping bag.

“No,” I said quickly. “I don’t want to expel you from your own caravan… It’s… no… Please, just let me…”

He had already reached the door, and turned round to look at me.

“There’s food in the cupboard, in case you’re hungry, more blankets in the drawers under the bed, and if you need anything else, just search through the wardrobe. The towels are there as well…”

With that, he nodded, and then just disappeared. And so I was left inside a caravan that wasn’t even mine, and whose owner was going to sleep outside, in the cold. I looked around for a minute. I have already, in the past, borrowed things that did not belong to me – with no intention of returning them – and I did it without a qualm. But here it was different. I was allowed to act as if this was mine, and that was what made me feel uneasy. I sat down on the side of the bed, not really sure how I was going to react. Outside, I could hear the echo of distant voices, the sound of the wind, the horses getting restless. After a very long moment, I eventually turned off the lights and laid down on my side, curled up in a corner of the bed, above the blankets. The many noises outside accompanied my thinking for a long moment, until I eventually fell asleep.