Fading, Like the Stars

It was still dark when I woke up for the first time. My eyes fluttered open, but I was greeted by nothing more than darkness. Then the clouds that hid the light of the moon and the stars disappeared for a moment, and a dim light fell through the window, lighting my surroundings. My mind was still clouded with sleep, and I didn’t immediately remember where I was. Each time I woke up, there was always a short, very peaceful second, when I didn’t remember everything that had happened. A very short moment, when I was deluded into thinking that I was still the young girl that I had been, with a family and a home. This impression was only reinforced by the fact that, for the first time in years, I was sleeping on a real bed.

But that impression didn’t last. My eyes travelled across the room, and I remembered where I was. I sat up on the bed, rubbing my eyes. After having examined my surroundings for a little longer, I hesitantly stood up. My naked feet made practically no sound on the wooden floor, but I couldn’t really remember when I had taken my shoes off. I silently walked to the tiny window, feeling like a thief in a home that wasn’t mine.

I glanced outside, half hoping, I think, to see where Rufus had gone. I didn’t see anything. Everything in the circus had grown incredibly quiet. There was no talking anymore, all the lights had been turned off, and even the horses seemed asleep. The place that had been bursting with life only a few hours earlier was now eerily silent, almost like it was dead. I knew that it was only because everyone had gone to sleep, but I couldn’t help feeling a little sad. There had been something so beautiful about all these people talking to each other, laughing and helping each other. I wanted that to come back…

With a sigh, I turned my gaze back to the inside of the caravan. If you need anything, just search… Rufus had said. But, even though I was really curious and that a not-so-small part of me wanted to explore his caravan to know more about him, I was still feeling too uneasy about everything that had happened to do just that. If I wanted to learn why he had come to my help in that street, I would have to talk with him. Unfortunately, he did not really seem like the type of person to talk a lot. And, unfortunately, I wasn’t going to stay long enough to learn anything about him…

As I thought about that, I suddenly felt a wave of tiredness come over me again. I stumbled back to the bed, and crashed upon it, falling asleep the moment I hit the mattress.

When I woke up for the second time, it was because someone was knocking at the door. I immediately jumped on my feet. But I wasn’t sure what to do. Who could be knocking, and what was I even supposed to say? As the knocking grew more insistent, I eventually opened the door.

“Hello!” the young woman who was standing on top of the steps said happily.

I looked at her, blinking slightly from the brightness of the sun. She had dark hair, and a very bright smile, and she seemed a little familiar. I thought I had seen her the previous evening, but I couldn’t remember where exactly.

“I thought you might need some clothes,” she added, looking down at the bundle in her arms. “And since I don’t think any of Ruf’s stuff will fit, I thought, well, you know…” She shot me an awkward smile. “I’m Émilie, by the way…”

Then I remembered when I had seen her. She was the circus’ herbalist, Merry had told me. Although I wasn’t really sure what an herbalist did in a circus.

“Aimée,” I mumbled, letting her in.

“Nice to meet you,” she said with a smile, throwing the clothes into my arms.

She walked inside the caravan, and immediately began to rummage through the cupboards. “Merveille said I had to make you eat something,” she explained, standing on tip toes to look on the highest shelf. “Do you have any idea where Rufus keeps his coffee? Ha, stupid question, probably hasn’t got any… No chocolate either, I s’pose. These guys don’t even know what good food means. Should’ve brought my own…”

I watched her with wide eyes as she talked, to herself or to me, I wasn’t really sure.

“Excuse my ramble,” she said, turning round to look at me again. “I always get so awfully excited when we get a new person round here, it’s so rare…” She smiled. “I don’t think Rufs will mind you using the shower… if only we knew where the towels are… oh, should’ve brought some too!”

“Uh… in the wardrobe… I think…” I mumbled, remembering what Rufus had said.

“Ah, good!”

I walked to the wardrobe and opened it carefully as Émilie returned to her search of the cupboards.

“This place is really tidy, don’t you think?” she mumbled, as she began to place things on the small countertop. “I mean, I have nothing against clean. I like clean. But this is really too tidy. Looks like no one lives here. I like when there’s a bit of life, ya know. See that the place is inhabited. That’s what makes a home instead of a house, don’t you think?”

“Uh, yes?” I answered quietly.

“Don’t be afraid, rummage in!” she said when she saw me hesitate in front of the opened wardrobe. “I don’t think that Rufs has anything that you don’t want to see. I don’t think he’s got anything that would be remotely interesting, actually…”

I did as I was told, feeling that I had no other choice now. But, despite the fact that I still felt a little uneasy about all of this, the moment I stepped into the tiny little shower, I forgot everything. This was even better than I remembered, and I had very accurate memories of all the little, wonderful things that I had lost. Once I was cleaned and fully dressed, I felt strangely happier than I had been in days, and was looking at the world with renewed hope.

A few minutes later, I was sitting on the steps in front of the caravan, with Émilie next to me, watching me as I ate. The circus had come back to life again, and people were running here and there, preparing themselves to leave the field and get back on the road, I supposed.

“How many people are there in the circus?” I asked after a moment.

“About…” Émilie stayed silent for a few seconds, counting in her head. “Twenty-four people,” she answered, “including the children. Twenty-five with you…”

“That’s not much,” I said pensively.

“More would be unmanageable,” she replied quietly. “It’s a lot of organization, making all these people live in peace, even if it doesn’t seem like it…”

“Yeah, I had a glance of that yesterday,” I grumbled.

Émilie smiled. “Félix, uh? I heard about that. Shouts a lot, but he’s not a bad man. I’m sure that, as we speak, he’s already considering you as one of us…”

I frowned, and opened my mouth to tell her that I would not be accompanying them as they left, but at the last moment changed my mind. “I… do you know where he is? I mean, Rufus…” I asked instead.

Émilie shrugged her shoulders. “Not the faintest idea. Haven’t seen him since yesterday. But he should be back in an hour or so. I mean, that’s when we’re supposed to leave, so…” She trailed off, looking around her.

“I was hoping to thank him properly before I left,” I murmured, more to myself than to her. And it was true, for some strange reason, I really wanted to bid proper goodbyes to him. It was not something I was used to do. I was more the type of person who left in the middle of the night, without looking back. It was the first time that I wanted to say goodbye to someone I’d met on the road. But it was also the first time that someone had saved my life, so…

“Leaving?” Émilie said, with a horrified expression on her face. “But you’ve only just arrived!”

“Well, I can’t really stay…”

“Oh no!” Émilie protested. “No! Merry said you needed to rest. She said, and I quote her, that your body wouldn’t be holding on one more week if you didn’t rest. So, you see, you have to stay with us. And besides, you look like you’re much nicer than Sylvie, who’s the girl I share my caravan with, and who’s always complaining about everything.”

“But…”

“Please! Do you have somewhere to go?”

“No, but…”

“See, then you have no excuse for leaving us. If it’s about Félix, I told you, he’s not on friendly terms with Rufs much, but he’s got nothing against you. You have to stay. I mean, look around you, its countryside, and there’s nothing. We’re heading to the next town. That’s where you’ll go too, only that if you leave us you’ll have to walk. Might as well stay with us until we get there…”

“Well, I suppose I could…” I mumbled. Walking all the way wasn’t really tempting, especially since I was offered to stay safely inside a caravan. But I still had a few scruples accepting.

“And you could see the show, too,” Émilie said.

“This is a real circus, with a real show?” I whispered, excitement building up inside me like when I was a child.

“Of course it is.”

I smiled. I had never seen a circus show. Circuses were not that common now, but they were the closest thing to a decent way of entertaining oneself that existed. Since Theater and Movies had been banned, too, all that was left for people to distract themselves was information – biased information – and reality shows. No room was left in those for the imagination. So circuses were an exciting thing.

“And, you haven’t met Daniel and the tigers yet, you really can’t leave until we reach the next town,” Émilie said, using her last card.

I didn’t have the slightest idea of who Daniel was, but the word tiger caught my attention.

“Tigers?” I asked, forgetting at once to be quiet. “You’ve got tigers here?”

Émilie beamed. “Yeah. They’re Daniel’s responsibility. They’re always kept a bit out of the camp, but if you stay, I’ll take you to see them at the next halt. Think about it. And then you can meet Dan too. He’s… Ah, there comes Rufus!”

I followed her gaze, a blush creeping up my cheeks as I met the gaze of the man who had saved my life. Rufus was striding towards us, with a large, black horse.

“Hello,” he said quietly.

“Ruf’s,” Émilie said, jumping down the steps. “Did no one tell you that you couldn’t leave without saying a word when you have guests?”

He grimaced at the nickname, then just shook his head. “It’s time to go.” He said simply.

“Aye, captain,” she grinned. “I’d better go and tell Daniel, then.” She turned round and offered me a gentle smile. “I’m counting on you, Aimée,” she said quietly. “If I don’t see you when we stop tonight, I’ll be cruelly disappointed. Rufs, keep an eye on her. She’s lovely, you have to make her stay.”

Then she skipped away happily, calling after that Daniel that I hadn’t met yet.

“Hi,” I muttered, awkwardly, when I realized that I was left alone with Rufus.

“Hello,” he repeated, patting the horse’s neck.

“This has to be the biggest horse I’ve ever seen,” I mumbled, nervously tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. But it didn’t really mean anything, because I wasn’t really familiar with horses.

“Her name’s Rita,” he said, gesturing me to come closer. “Rita, this is Aimée… Shh, be a nice girl,” he whispered to the horse. “She won’t bite you,” he added, smiling at me. He took my hand, placing it on the horse’s neck. “There, see, she likes you already.”

“The feeling is mutual,” I murmured, stroking Rita. I wanted to bury my face in the horse’s neck and just forget about everything that my life had become. It was just a thought, though. I was never going to break down. And I certainly wasn’t going to do it in front of a stranger.

Besides, I feared that if I let go if everything, I would never find the strength to get back on my feet.

“Time to go,” Rufus said, leading the horse to the front of the caravan.

I watched as he attached the horse to the caravan and got everything ready for the departure. My mind still wasn’t set on what I was going to do. Where would I go from here? Accompanying them seemed to be the most foolish of decisions. My head was telling me that the safest path for me was the lonely one. But my heart longed for a bit of company, company that I had been denied for so many years. After years of travelling alone, I yearned for some contact with civilization, no matter what kind of civilization that was.

I still hadn’t made up my mind when Rufus finished what he was doing.

“Are you coming?” he called, and I emerged from my thoughts to see that he was sitting on the small seat in front of the caravan, with his hand held out in my direction.

I did not even think, I quickly cast away all thoughts of safety, and let my heart decide for me, for once. I grabbed his hand, and let him hoist me up.

“Thank you,” I whispered, sitting next to him.

“My pleasure,” he replied with a small smile.

And so we departed. So, I decided to delay my parting with the troop of Barnes’s circus.

For a long moment, the ride was silent. There was just the sound made by Rufus’ caravan, and by the one travelling in front of us, and the one behind us. Rufus seemed absorbed in his thoughts, and I was merely trying to avoid mine. But it is always when you try to avoid thinking about something that you can’t do anything but think about it. The more I tried to avoid pondering on the reasons that had made me accept to stay here and ignoring all basic rules of safety, the less I could keep it off my mind.

And when Rufus eventually spoke, it was only to echo the thoughts that were plaguing my mind.

“Do you want to talk about yesterday?” he asked, his voice smooth and quiet.

“You want to know why I was running away from them?” I asked, looking at the side of the road so that I didn’t have to look at him.

“Only if you want to tell me.”

I thought about it for a second. Not that I had the intention of telling him the truth. Not that I was going to tell him about my mother and about the books I carried around – Good Lord, no, I was never going to tell him about that, he might get afraid and throw me down on the road in a second. No, I did not consider telling him the truth. I considered lying to him. But in the end I decided against it. Lying to Rufus was not an option, not after all that he had done for me, when he didn’t even know who I was.

“No,” I mumbled, shaking my head. “I’d rather not talk about it.”

I glanced at him and saw him nod understandingly.

“Alright.”

I bit my lips. Now was the perfect moment to ask him the question that had been bothering me ever since we had met. But I hesitated. Did I honestly believe that I was going to get a straight and honest answer? Probably not. And, somehow, the idea of being lied to made me feel really uneasy. But, on the other hand, if I did not ask, I would never get the chance to know the truth.

“Excuse me,” I muttered after a moment, my eyes fixed on Rita. “but, since we’re talking about that… Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Why…”

“Why what?” Rufus asked when I paused before finishing my question.

I took a deep breath, trying to clear my head and make it sound like a legitimate question rather than like an awkward and embarrassing one.

“Why helping me? Why not… you know, it was dangerous… So, uh, I guess what I’m trying to say is why taking the risk when you didn’t even know who I was?”

Rufus’ answer surprised me a little, even though I should have been expecting something like that. He just shrugged his shoulders. He frowned for a moment, his eyebrows furrowed like he was fighting to find an answer. Then his face became calm and appeased again.

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “Why?”

“Well…” My eyes widened a little. I tried to understand how he could be so casual about it. “It’s… not something everyone would do. It’s dangerous.”

“Would you have preferred it if I’d let you die?” He turned his head to look at me, and I could see the incomprehension in his eyes.

“No!” I protested. “No, I’m… I’m thankful, really…” He looked hurt, and for a moment I was speechless.

“Never mind,” he grumbled, looking at the road in front of us.

There was a short silence, but I couldn’t let it go on like this. I didn’t know why, but I felt that, at that moment, my peace of mind depended entirely on Rufus’s. I wasn’t sure what that strange bond between us was, but I knew no one else who would do something that selfless. I owed him my life, and I was going to honor that debt. I had to. For the first time in years, someone had cared about what happened to me, and I was going to make sure that he knew I was thankful.

“Rufus?” I asked, my voice weak and hesitant.

“Yes?”

“Thank you very much. Very, very much. I didn’t know that there were still people who would do things like that…”

“Then you haven’t met the right people…”

“I… perhaps, yes… But I continue to believe that what you did was exceptional.” I blushed and lowered my head.

There was a new silence, and after a moment, I dared to look up. A small smile had appeared on Rufus’ lips. He began to whistle a soft tune, and I eventually relaxed, my back resting against the wall of the caravan and my eyes closing every so often as I was lulled to sleep by the jolting of the caravan on the road. Rufus seemed to be content with no talking at all, and for the moment, that sufficed for me too. Hours seemed to pass like that, quiet and silent. It was a little dull, at times, but I appreciated that I didn’t have to walk, at least.

“Rufus?” I asked when he stopped on the side of the road to get some food.

“Aimée?”

“Why using horses and not cars?”

He smiled. “Where would the fun be?” he replied.

“That’s not an answer!” I replied, jumping down, my legs weak from the long hours spent sitting.

I stumbled a little when I landed on the ground, and Rufus had to catch me to prevent me from falling on the ground.

“Careful,” he whispered, holding me against him for a moment. “Merry would kill me if I let you get injured when she’s only just treated you.”

For some unexplainable reason, I blushed slightly at his words. Rufus noticed it, and immediately let me go.

“Yeah, sorry,” he murmured awkwardly. “I’ll get some food…” he added quickly before disappearing inside the caravan.