Fading, Like the Stars

The sky was already darkening when the circus eventually found a place to stop. There had been nothing but woods on each side of the road, for miles and miles. The little glade, nothing more than a sort of wild field on the left side of the road, had been the first decent place that they had seen during the afternoon. So, word had soon been passed that this was where the circus was going to stop for the night. And one by one the caravans stopped, people getting out, and getting ready to spend the night.

I grunted as I took a few steps on solid ground after hours and hours of sitting, in that dreadful caravan. Travelling with a circus was definitely not as amusing as I had imagined it would be. I don’t know what I had expected but… I don’t know… a circus… wasn’t that supposed to be funny? But this wasn’t funny. It was long, really long, and monotonous. Not to mention that Rufus wasn’t the most talkative person. So it was also very silent.

It wasn’t the silence that was bothering me. I was used to travel alone, with no other company than my own. It wasn’t a problem for me to spend hours without hearing a word. What was strange was the awkward, silent company. It wasn’t like being on my own, and despite the silence, I couldn’t forget that I wasn’t alone. Rufus’ silent presence at my side had something unsettling. I was never sure whether I should speak or not, and I was always afraid that I was going to do something wrong.

That easily explained why I was feeling rather relieved when the horse stopped for good, that evening.

I looked around me once again. Everyone seemed to know what they had to do, and I wondered if there was something I could do to help.

“Rufus? Can I do something?”

Rufus, who had been taking care of the horse, turned and looked at me with wide eyes.

“What?”

“Can I do something to help? Everyone…” I turned and looked around, at all the people hurrying on the fields. “Everyone seems to have something to do…” I gazed around, nervously fidgeting with the hem of my shirt, because I had nothing else to do. A few children were now running round near us, but all the adults seemed to have something to do. “It’s ridiculous, Rufus,” I breathed, “the only ones to have nothing to do are me and the kids.”

Rufus laughed softly. “Oh, Aimée,” he said, shaking his head.

“Why are you laughing?”

“You really want to help? Wait till you have been here for a little longer, and all you will want is to enjoy a little rest.”

“I’m not…” I began to protest, with the intention to tell him that I would leave them as soon as we reached the nearest town.

But Rufus hadn’t finished speaking yet, and he interrupted me before I could tell him more.

“Alright,” he smiled, his eyes twinkling with amusement, “if you want to give a hand, you can always go to Merry and see if she needs some help. That’s all I can see.”

I smiled softly, ready to thank him. But someone shouted before I could even speak.

“What am I hearing?”

I turned my head, and saw that Émilie was walking towards us, with a large smile on her face.

“What am I hearing, Rufus?” she repeated as she stopped. “Aimée’s only just arrived, and you already want to make her work? Are you trying to make her run away?”

“I haven’t done anything,” Rufus said, lifting his hands to show his innocence, “she asked me to do something…”

“It’s true,” I said, coming to his help. “I want to help…”

“You’ll change your mind quickly, Aimée,” she said. “Wait till he’s forced you to work one day…”

“I’m not going to force Aimée to do anything,” Rufus protested.

“Duh!”

“Émilie!” he said, staring at her and looking annoyed.

“Well, anyway, you’ll have to wait to enslave her, Ruf’s, because right now she’s coming with me.”

“Really?” Rufus asked, a small smile playing on his lips.

“Really?” I asked, frowning.

“Aimée, have you forgotten about the tigers?” Émilie asked, shaking her head as if she was talking to a child rather than to an adult.

“Oh,” I muttered, a blush creeping up my cheeks, as I suddenly remembered Émilie’s promise to show me where the tigers were kept. Again, I felt really curious about it. I threw Rufus a guilty look. I no longer wanted to help in the circus. I now selfishly wanted to go with Émilie to see the tigers. But I didn’t want Rufus to think that I had such a fickle personality, and that I changed my mind so quickly. It didn’t seem to annoy him, though.

“Ah, Daniel and his beasts…” Rufus smiled.

“I really do hope that you do not count me as one of the beasts,” Émilie said with mischievous smile.

“Oh, no,” Rufus replied very seriously. “The tigers behave much better than you do.”

“You have no idea…” Émilie laughed loudly as she said that. Then she grabbed my arm, and dragged me away from the caravan.

“I feel bad,” I confessed as we left the camp to go near the edge of the forest, “I offer my help, and then I desert without doing anything.”

“Oh, you’ve already helped,” Émilie assured me, although I did not really know whether she was being serious or not. “And trust me, you’ll have plenty of other occasions to do your bit of work before we reach the town. So enjoy freedom while it lasts. And, also, you’re certainly going to meet everyone else tonight, and you have to meet Daniel first…”

I nodded quietly, following her. I was getting quite curious to meet that Daniel. Émilie seemed to be really fond of him, the way she kept mentioning him certainly told me so, and he had tigers. He couldn’t be anything else than an interesting character. We had left the camp behind us, and even though the sky was already darkening, there was still just enough light for me to see what was in front of us. I stopped, when my eyes landed on the dark shape of a cage, there, just between two pine trees. When she saw that I had stopped, Émilie turned her head towards me, a small smile appearing on her lips.

“Come on,” she said softly.

I hesitated, just a second. Instinctively, I did not like cages. And that one there was a hell of a large one. But I took a deep breath and continued. As we took more steps towards the cage, the sky grew darker and darker. Night had fallen completely now, but the moon and the stars, a bright crescent and millions of little dots, gave me enough light to see what exactly was in that cage.

I froze, but my eyes widened in amazement. Two tigers, two enormous beasts, were imprisoned there. One was lying on the ground, its tail moving lightly, as if he lazily tried to chase flies. The other one was sitting. And between the two tigers, a man was standing. He was stroking the sitting tiger with his left hand, softly talking to him, his whispers too low to be audible. He had his back at us, and I didn’t think that he could see us coming, but he suddenly spoke.

“Émilie…”

She didn’t answer, just stood still and smiled.

“I know it’s you,” Daniel continued, still not looking in our direction. “I recognized your pace. But who is with you?”

Émilie smiled, eventually moving back, stepping towards the cage and stopping just before she reached it.

“Of course it’s me… Who else could it be? And this is Aimée.”

Daniel caressed the tigers’ head one last time. Then he did something that I had never seen anyone do before, or after him. He bent down, apparently fearless, and placed a kiss on the animal’s head. And during all this time, the ferocious animal didn’t even move.

He eventually left the tigers, walking towards us at a slow pace. His hand lingered on the bars for a moment before he found the lock, and he opened the door with caution. He quietly slipped out of the cage, taking great care to make sure that it was well locked.

“We’re here,” Émilie said quietly, and Daniel turned his head towards her.

He took a few steps, and extended a hand. She reached out for it, and he closed the distance that separated him from us.

“Aimée, this is Daniel. And Dan, here’s Aimée,” she said, turning her head to look at me.

“Of course, Rufus’ friend…” Daniel said, offering me a hand.

“I wouldn’t dare saying we’re friends, but…” I said, taking the hand that was extended towards me.

“It’s rare enough for Rufus to talk to someone if he isn’t forced to,” Daniel replied with a soft smile. “If he lets you live in his caravan, then he must certainly consider you as a friend.”

“Well,” I murmured, slightly embarrassed. “If you say so…”

Daniel’s fingers run over the top of my hand, to my wrist. This unusual gesture made me frown, but I said nothing, not wanting to offend him in any way.

“So, these are your tigers?” I asked curiously.

Daniel smiled. “Oh, the tigers do not belong to anyone. Even though caged, they’re still free creatures. I merely take care of them…” He was silent for a moment, before he spoke again. “Would you like to see them from a little closer, Aimée?” he asked, in a quiet and steady voice.

I turned my head to look at the tigers once more. One of them was still lying on the ground, his head between his paws, perhaps even sleeping. The other was slowly walking in circles in the cage. It was a very graceful animal, agile and strong, and its fur seemed so soft... But as I watched the tiger a little longer, I clearly saw just how dangerous a creature like that could also be.

So, after one last, regretful glance towards the beautiful animals, I quietly shook my head.

“Aimée?” Daniel asked after a moment. “So?”

It was only then that I noticed. I had not seen it before, and Émilie had said nothing about it. I frowned, first, when Daniel asked his question again, when I had already answered. And then I realized that there was a reason why his hands were so strangely wandering on things that surrounded him, just like when they had lingered on the cage a moment before finding the lock, just like when he took people’s hands, first Émilie’s and then mine, before he talked to them. I looked at him and I saw what I had failed to notice so far, that his pale blue eyes were strangely veiled.

“You…” I mumbled, unable to say more.

Daniel smiled softly. “Blind?” he asked in a quiet voice. “Yes, very much so. I see that my lovely Émilie didn’t bother warning you before we met.”

Émilie smiled. “Why should I have?” she whispered tactfully, “I told Aimée how wonderful you were, and how important it was that she met you. That seemed, in my eyes, much more important than the rest.”

“Always so clever. Impossible to be mad at you,” Daniel mumbled, a wide grin brightening his face.

“Not clever, kind. Kind is much more important than clever.”

“Don’t fool yourself,” Daniel whispered. “You always know exactly what to say to people, if that is not being clever, then I don’t know what it is…”

“Kindness. But the only reason I know what to say to you is that I know you so well.”

“Should I worry?” Daniel taunted.

“About what?”

“About me having absolutely no secrets for you?”

“Do I have secrets for you?” she replied, and he laughed softly, tilting his head a little to the side as he did so.

I couldn’t help but smile, as I watched her offer him an arm to lead him back to the camp. How was it possible that I had ignored, for all these years, and despite the many miles that I had travelled, that there could be something like this, peace and quiet, and people simply enjoying each other’s company? But behind this feeling of wonder and admiration for this life, as it was lived in the circus, quiet and simple, there was a tiny part of me that was feeling… jealous.

Why had I never had the chance to know this? Why was it that these people were allowed to travel around, together, free, when my life so far had been nothing more than hiding and running? Why was life denying me what it was offering them so carelessly? They were free, like the wind, and I was hunted down, wherever I went. And I couldn’t even dream of living the way they were. I was chained to my life by the secrets that I carried with me.

I followed Émilie and Daniel as they walked back to the caravans; still hesitating between admiration and envy. When we got back, everything was ready for the evening. The lights were twinkling again, there were fires lit in the middle of the clearing, and the smell of food invaded the air again. Music was playing softly, a simple guitar tune, but I couldn’t guess where it was coming from, and children were running around like they had been doing the previous day, enjoying that bit of freedom after an entire day spent cooped up inside a caravan.

We sat down on a log, next to a fire, Daniel with a sigh of relief, and me with the increasing feeling that I was imposing myself upon these people’s hospitability.

“I’ll get the food,” Émilie said with enthusiasm. “Aimée, could you keep Daniel company, if you don’t mind?”

I nodded. “Sure,” I replied, trying to sound as enthusiastic as she was, “I’ll do whatever you ask me to do…”

She smiled, waved, and disappeared for a few minutes. After Émilie was gone, there was a short silence. Daniel didn’t seem to have anything to say, and I wasn’t sure what I could say to him. What I absolutely didn’t want, was to say something that might have offended him in any way. These people had only been too kind to me, and I didn’t want to offend any of them. That was why I was more than happy to stay in a corner, and say nothing at all.

“So,” Daniel said after a moment, “Rufus retold me the story of his heroic action.”

“R-really?” I mumbled, wondering when Rufus had found the time to tell him that. So very little time had passed since we had first met. And he had been with me for the entirety of this day.

“He doesn’t consider it heroic, of course,” Daniel continued, laying a hand on my arm with a surprising and unsettling facility, “but I hope that you at least appreciate the risk he’s taken.”

“Of course I do,” I protested, not knowing what to think of Daniel’s words. “No one more than me…”

“Excellent,” Daniel said, his voice still soft and quiet. “I just wanted to make sure that you did.”

“He saved my life,” I whispered, staring at Daniel. “I don’t deny it, I don’t ignore it, and I’m not about to forget it. No one has ever done anything quite like that for me. He’s… I know he’s extraordinary. And rest assured, if there was anything I could do to repay him, I would not hesitate.” I got a little carried away, and what had started as a whisper ended up sounding more like a passionate speech, much to my embarrass.

“Good. No one here will ever ask you what your story is, what hides in your past, or what you are running away from. That is not how we function. If you want to start anew, then you will be able to do it here. But please be careful. Because Rufus is a friend. At least, I consider him as such. And I would hate to know that his actions are not appreciated at their right value.”

“Rufus is also old enough to take care of himself,” spoke Rufus, and I turned my head, surprised to discover that he was standing right behind us, and a little embarrassed as I wondered just how long he had been there, and how much of what had been said he had heard.

If I was really surprised to see Rufus standing there, Daniel didn’t give the slightest sign that he had been taken by surprise when someone else had spoken. He didn’t move, and no particular emotion passed on his face. So I guessed that, just like he had heard Émilie arrive earlier that evening, he had heard Rufus come too, and that he knew that he had been there all along. And I began to suspect, with a disagreeable feeling of having been fooled, that he had voluntarily tried to get me to say what I thought about Rufus out loud.

“Rufus,” Daniel said with a smile, not looking at him but extending an arm in his direction. “Help me get up. It’s too warm here, I think I’m sitting too close to the fire…”

Rufus did what he was asked, helping Daniel to take a seat a little further away from the fire, and then he sat down at the place that Daniel had now vacated. I threw Daniel a rather suspicious glance. One that he did not see, of course.

“So, Aimée,” Rufus asked in his soft and smooth voice. “Has Daniel managed to make you enter the cage?”

“Afraid not,” I confessed, “the idea of finding myself in there with two wild animals is a little too frightening.”

“Yeah, he’s never managed to make me get in there either,” Rufus said, a smile illuminating his features.

“Wild animals,” Daniel said, shaking his head. “Sasha and Pavlov are as soft as kittens…”

“Kittens that could easily eat someone,” Rufus said darkly.

“Really?” I asked, shouting before I could refrain myself. The image of Daniel locked up alone in the cage with the two tigers flashed before my eyes, and I shot him an anxious look. Why was he doing that when it was obviously so dangerous?

Daniel laughed heartily. “Rufus is a filthy liar,” he said, between two fits of laughter. “My lovely friends have never killed anyone.”

“I confess,” Rufus said when I shot him a confused look. “It is not true. I thought it would be funny. I didn’t want to upset you.” He quickly lay a reassuring hand on mine, and my skin prickled strangely.

Before I had more time to ponder on it, however, Émilie reappeared.

“I see you’re having fun,” she said. “What was the joke that… Oh no! Rufs! I’ve only taken three plates. If you want one, you’ll have to get it yourself, then, because there’s quite a queue, and I’m not returning.”

“It’s alright,” Rufus replied, reassuring her with a small wave of his hand. “I’ve already eaten, don’t worry. I’m just here to enjoy your company.”

“Enjoy our company,” Daniel said with a chuckle. “That’d be a first. What happened to your love of solitude?”

“Daniel!” Émilie protested, “It’s so rare to have Ruf’s voluntarily come to spend time with us, don’t discourage him!”

Rufus sighed. “You make it sound like I never spend time with you. I’m truly not that much of a….”

“Really?” Daniel said, irony clearly audible in his voice.

“What Daniel wants to say, is that we’re happy to spend time with you,” Émilie said, sitting down after having handed Daniel and me a plate. “Although he’s not very good when it comes to voice out his thoughts…”

“I don’t have to voice it out, Rufus knows,” Daniel said quietly, flashing the assembly a smile.

Rufus grumbled something that nobody really understood, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck and looking at the ground.

The rest of the evening was quiet. People from the circus sporadically came to introduce themselves, and I met Carmen and Sylvie and Joseph and Pierre and Jacques and many others whose names I forgot. Daniel and Émilie filled me in with more information about the circus, and Rufus stayed silent most of the time.

Then the fire died down, and the evening reached its end. One by one, they went back to their caravans, and eventually, I was left alone with Rufus once more.